Dealing with the first metamour

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Brixbrak

New member
Hello all,

I've had an issue before and the advice helped me out a lot. So I figured it was worth giving it another go.

A bit of background : My partner and I have been together for just over a year and a half. We have been poly from the beginning, he was married and in another relationship when I met him. Within six months of us dating his marriage ended and due to the stress of that so did his other relationship. He didn't have anywhere to go so he moved in with me, and since it worked out we've continued on as is. Since then we've moved into a new apartment and things have developed quite well.

When I first met him, his other serious relationships were already in place. Since those breakups our relationship has become very serious and we've each only dated other people in a casual manner. It hasn't been a planned thing, and there are people we've both been with for long periods of time, but always in a fwb kind of way. Now he's met someone that he really connects with and they're forming a real relationship.

I'm glad that he's found someone to have a real connection with. I'm happy when I see him feeling that nre working because I know how awesome that is when you're in it and excited about a new person. And yet I can already feel my back going up. Small things like him spending a whole weekend with her dig at me. This morning he told me he's spending new years with her, and I flipped because he hadn't even thought about what I would do since he knows I can't go out with my friends. I had assumed we'd do something, since on holidays we always do.

I feel like this is primarily an adjustment that I have to make. For the last year I've been his main partner, the one he loved when the rest was just sex. It was automatic that holidays like new years would be spent together, and now I have to share. They've only been together a couple of months and so I know the nre still has a long way to go and that they're only going to get more involved as time goes on. Also on my mind is the fact that she hasn't done poly before. He's been clear with her about what this will look like, and she has a casual partner, but I don't know that I trust that when her feelings really get involved her stance won't change. She's already expressed a desire to not meet me yet, which is fine, but also that there are things (me) that she tries not to think of, which is not. I don't believe that someone who wants to ignore his other life is actually ok with it. He had talked to her however and trusts her, so I have to trust him.

I would like some advice as to how you lovely folk adjusted the first time your partner became seriously involved with someone else. I know that for me, new can be difficult until I've learned how to identify, express and manage my feelings. Once I can do that it becomes a non issue.

Please help, I don't want to end up resentful of what should be a good thing.
 
I personally find that when I am feeling those yucky kind of feelings-what is best for me is to actually reconnect with the life that is MINE-away from my partner(s).

Sometimes, ok, often times, when we get involved in a serious relationship, we push the things that were primarily OUR OWN activities to the wayside so that we can maximize time with the partner.

When our partner is experiencing this new phase with someone else we suddenly feel left out, as if all of this extra time together belonged to us alone.

I try to do some of those "me" things like
~go hang out with friends I haven't seen often enough or spent as much time with recently.
~painting
~writing letters to people who I haven't in awhile
~go hiking
~kayaking
~writing
~long, hot bubble baths with a book
~dancing

Things that I enjoy and that make me feel great-but that I often miss out on because I'm "busy" with my relationship.

Doing this isn't about hiding from the feelings;
It's about reconnecting to the things that make me special ALONE, vs being special in a relationship.
Reconnecting with myself and who I am at the core.

This tends to also help improve my relationships because realistically the things that my partner(s) are attracted to about me are stronger when I am doing these things that I enjoy on my own.
My emotions tend to resolve themselves because I am happy doing what makes me happy and the sense of being left out goes away on its own because I am ENJOYING what I am doing instead of miserably focusing on what they are doing without me.
 
Brixbrak said:
This morning he told me he's spending new years with her, and I flipped because he hadn't even thought about what I would do since he knows I can't go out with my friends. I had assumed we'd do something, since on holidays we always do.
Click to expand...

One thing I learned long ago - never make assumptions! It will turn around and bite you in the ass, more times than not. Calmly express your disappointment, but admit that you made assumptions instead of having a discussion with him and nailing down concrete plans. In the future, change this. Let him know which holidays, or special days are extremely important to you and discuss how you two can handle this in the future.

I grew up in a military family, with relatives living in different states. Celebrating holidays early or late depending on family visitation schedules and such was just normal for me. It's not about the exact date anyway. Plan something special the night before or the night afterwards for this year.
 
@lovingradience - that's actually great advice. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I guess it's a chance for me to focus on myself more.

@SNeacail - I agree, but it was more the fact that he didn't consider inquiring about my plans or how I felt about it when he would have before. I suppose technically he shouldn't have to, but I'm not used to not even being considered. Which as I'm writing now seems kind of petulant, but it made the insecurity rear up pretty quick.
 
Since you expect consideration in your relationships, articulate what behavior that is to you. Ask if you could expect those behaviors from him this point going forward.

He can say yes or no. And then you can know what behaviors to expect.

Could get clear on that now so you don't get dinged again from assumptions about shared expectations when you guys did not stop to "calibrate" so that they are indeed shared expectations rather than one sided ones.

Think out what else you might need. Talk it out. Maybe you guys want to read poly hell in advance and make the plan for dealing with those things should they pop up.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Galagirl
 
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Hi Brixbrak,

Although I always had a metamour in my V, it was often hard for me in the early years when Snowbunny (the hinge) went someplace special with her husband, leaving me alone. Certainly learning (relearning?) the finer points of being alone helped, but overall I have to say the passing of time was the biggest thing that helped me get used to having a metamour (and "sacrificing" time to that metamour). Communicating and having an understanding of one's own needs also helps, but time, experience, and familiarity are the biggest factors.
 
It sounds like you're in a situation where it's normal to feel some upheaval, some insecurity, where it's easy for small things to hurt. I agree with those above who have recommended working on being okay with being by yourself sometimes.

But I also think her desire not to meet you, her efforts to not even think about you, are red flags. A lot of people build metamour relationships in different ways-- some people keep a lot of space and distance between them, and some people build friendships. But ultimately, it's a good idea to build a metamour relationship on a foundation of mutual respect (even if you don't interact on any regular basis).

You probably want to develop a good degree of respect for her. That will help you with your feelings of loss and insecurity-- if you respect her, it will be easier. And you want to know that she has some respect for you. It's hard to know that if she won't meet with you.

If this idea is something that resonates with you, then start a discussion with your partner. He'll be happier if the two of you are okay with each other, and the two of you will happier if you can work that out, too.

If she's new to all this, then do try to cut her some slack. But if you're uncomfortable with the way she's dealing with your existence, then maybe encouraging an opportunity to meet (or at least to correspond by email) is a way to address that.
 
Is there a reason you have to sacrifice? Our polyship would never allow someone to be alone during holidays.
 
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