Dealing With TTC/Pregnancy

A

Abebi

New member
First a little history: F and I have been dating for two years. J and I were married for 3 years before divorcing and going our separate ways. F agreed to polyamory "to make me happy", which is a horrible reason, but then grew to enjoy it a bit once he met someone else (Bartender). We still have kinks to work out, but we are happy. J is currently only dating me and says that it will likely stay that way, but is free to find another partner. We have been dating for 6 months now.

I have discussed TTC (trying to conceive) with both of them separately (because they prefer not to spend time together if they don't have to), but haven't really figured out how it would happen. Because I don't have children with either of them, the subject is a bit touchy. They both want it and would likely not be happy leaving the paternity unknown.

What are some suggestions for treading these murky waters? What are some agreements about TTC in a poly relationship?
 
I think that unless you have a situation where three or more people are prepared to co parent the child, regardless of whether or not they confirm paternity, its going to be very difficult to negotiate and offer the child the most healthy and stable upbringing. In your situation, I think you have to pick who you want to conceive with, stop fluid bonding with the other person, and then adjust both relationships to reflect this new game changer. I can't see any of your partners being happy for their metamour to be a parental figure given they don't want to spend time together. I'm not saying that your romantic relationships will change with each person, but your life will involve a great new responsibility and you have to relate to your co parent(s) in a different way to before. How and when you see other partners, especially if they are not going to play a role in your child's life will also change.
 
I will be really hard if they don't like each other. Maybe you should tell them as a prelude to you starting a family they need to work on their relationship? If you want your children to get the benefits of poly living that should be a priority.
 
You could have children with both and co parent with the biological father of each child. So stay in your vee, they don't have to see one another but you ensure you take precautions to maximize the chances of conceiving with the intended father each time. That person then co parents that child.
 
Every situation is unique...I wrote about ours here.

That being said, you really have to consider what having a child to either of these men would end up looking like in practice; what relationship would each of the men have with the child, what responsibilities?. These relationships are both relatively new. Pregnancy and child-rearing is TOUGH on relationships, and you do have to consider that neither relationship may survive the process. Are you prepared to be a single mom?

Just thinking "out of the box": If YOU really want to have a child and the men want kids but "paternity" would be an issue - you could take "paternity" off of the table and use donor sperm. Then neither man would be more/less of the father than the other...just saying.

JaneQ
 
Welcome Abebi,

Abebi said:
First a little history: F and I have been dating for two years. J and I were married for 3 years before divorcing and going our separate ways. F agreed to polyamory "to make me happy", which is a horrible reason, but then grew to enjoy it a bit once he met someone else (Bartender). We still have kinks to work out, but we are happy. J is currently only dating me and says that it will likely stay that way, but is free to find another partner. We have been dating for 6 months now.
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Are you talking about 2 different "J's?" One that you were married to and then divorced, an another one that you have been dating for 6 months?

Do you live with F? Or alone? Or with family or roommates?

I have discussed TTC (trying to conceive) with both of them separately (because they prefer not to spend time together if they don't have to), but haven't really figured out how it would happen. Because I don't have children with either of them, the subject is a bit touchy. They both want it and would likely not be happy leaving the paternity unknown.

What are some suggestions for treading these murky waters? What are some agreements about TTC in a poly relationship?
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Well, once you answer my questions I will give my opinion on whom you should TTC with. I don't know if you plan on moving in with the man you chose to use the sperm of, or not live with either guy. Or have a kid with, say, F, and in a couple years, have another with J, and then both kids would have a sibling and each one dad. Or do you wish both men to get along well enough, in a V configuration, that you, both kids to be, and both men could be one big happy family, raising the siblings together?


I think it's a good idea to know paternity, for medical reasons.

And how does F's OSO, Bartender, feel about his/her partner having a kid with his other partner? Do they live together? Does Bartender already have kids, or want some?
 
Children deserve a stable environment filled with people who love them regardless of their genetics.

If the reason F and J need to know the paternity is so they know which one to love, then neither of them deserve a child.
 
BigGuy said:
Children deserve a stable environment filled with people who love them regardless of their genetics.

If the reason F and J need to know the paternity is so they know which one to love, then neither of them deserve a child.
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I happen to agree to this.
AND

no child deserves to be brought into a family dynamic where they are going to be loving parents who don't like each other.

I say it that way because as it plays out-one would be the equivalent of a stepparent to the child of the other. In that case-planning it in advance-
no child deserves a mess where their parents don't get along.
It HAPPENS that parents don't get along. But that doesn't make it preferential.

All of that said:
Our V has children. I have a child pre-marriage, as does Maca. I have a child with Maca and I have a child with GG. BUT-all of the children call Maca dad by choice. They ALL know their biology. They all have close relationships with all of us. They all know that the three of us will always ensure that they have free access to EACH of us no matter what.
Maca and GG aren't "great friends". But when it comes to the kids-they frequently do things with the kids together-without me. The kids are the priority and they are never expected to choose between parents.
 
I don't think wanting to know what baby you helped make boils down to wanting to know what kid to love. Being the bio parent of a child gives you certain rights and obligations, legal and moral, so wanting to know who you have those rights over and obligations to is fairly important.
 
Last fall my tubal ligation failed. I found myself pregnant with Murf's baby.

Butch stepped up.. Shrugged his shoulders and bluntly said the new baby was his to. He would have treated the new little one no different than the other three. Yet not step on Murf's toes as Dad. Especially since Murf has none of his own.

Unfortunately the pregnancy was tubal and required emergency surgery to save my life.
 
Dagferi said:
...

Unfortunately the pregnancy was tubal and required emergency surgery to save my life.
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aww,...thats just sad,...I had a GF this happened to years ago,...We have always been saddened by it.
 
The baby is whichever man's who wants to step up and say it's his and put his name on the birth certificate. Some people adopt children and some people use sperm donors. There's no difference.
 
Magdlyn said:
Are you talking about 2 different "J's?" One that you were married to and then divorced, an another one that you have been dating for 6 months?

Do you live with F? Or alone? Or with family or roommates?

And how does F's OSO, Bartender, feel about his/her partner having a kid with his other partner? Do they live together? Does Bartender already have kids, or want some?
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The J's are one and the same. We had a three year period where we didn't really talk and went about our divorce process. After that time, he came back and we started dating again.

Right now, F and I share an apartment. We raise my son (now two) together and see F's children a few times a week.

Bartender does NOT have children and does not (at this time) want children. Their relationship is very new and unsure at this time. She isn't sure about polyamory and so she isn't sure if she will stick around, but they get along very well and really like each other, so I don't want to do anything to push them apart, ya know.
 
Stevenjaguar said:
The baby is whichever man's who wants to step up and say it's his and put his name on the birth certificate. Some people adopt children and some people use sperm donors. There's no difference.
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Legally, if you're married to an opposite sex spouse, in most states the spouse is considered the legal parent of the child even if they're not the biological parent of the child. Overcoming that presumption can take anything from a genetic test to a law suit, depending on the state law. So, like many things in the legal world, it's really not that simple.

We don't know how that statute is going to be applied in states with legal same-sex marriage quite yet, but at this point it'd be the same in many of them. (So, conceivably two women who are married would be the legal parents of children born to either of them, even though there isn't a genetic link.)
 
BigGuy said:
If the reason F and J need to know the paternity is so they know which one to love, then neither of them deserve a child.
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Loving the child is not the reason they would want to know the paternity. J would want to know if a child was his because he doesn't yet know if he can have children. :/ Love has never been an issue in my mind. They both love my son and treat him as their own.
 
Abebi said:
The J's are one and the same. We had a three year period where we didn't really talk and went about our divorce process. After that time, he came back and we started dating again.

Right now, F and I share an apartment. We raise my son (now two) together and see F's children a few times a week.

Bartender does NOT have children and does not (at this time) want children. Their relationship is very new and unsure at this time. She isn't sure about polyamory and so she isn't sure if she will stick around, but they get along very well and really like each other, so I don't want to do anything to push them apart, ya know.
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OK! That's very helpful to know. So, you had this one child 2 years ago in the midst of your divorce, I guess? And this child is from some other man we haven't heard about yet.

So, F has at least 2 kids and wants another. He's living with you, and I assume helping raise the 2 year old who is another man's bio child. J doesn't have any kids and he doesn't want another partner. F may want to wait to have a kid with you until he sees how things work out with Bartender. How does F feel about you possibly having J's kid while living with you? Do you really want to have a child with either man? Does J really want a child with you, knowing you are living with F and so will the baby be? Do you plan to move out of your place with F and in with J while gestating and raising an infant?
 
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Magdlyn said:
OK! That's very helpful to know. So, you had this one child 2 years ago in the midst of your divorce, I guess? And this child is from some other man we haven't heard about yet.

So, F has at least 2 kids and wants another. He's living with you, and I assume helping raise the 2 year old who is another man's bio child. J doesn't have any kids and he doesn't want another partner. F may want to wait to have a kid with you until he sees how things work out with Bartender. How does F feel about you possibly having J's kid while living with you? Do you really want to have a child with either man? Does J really want a child with you, knowing you are living with F and so will the baby be? Do you plan to move out of your place with F and in with J while gestating and raising an infant?
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I went through a "wild" phase after J left that resulted in my beautiful baby boy. The father didn't want anything to do with either of us and I was happier that way. (And we were both much better off.)

Either F or J would likely be a bit jealous for a while if I knowingly conceived with the other (which is why the idea of not knowing is good for me). F has three older living children and voluntarily stepped in as Little J's dad from the day he was born.

J has always wanted children. And, we are discussing how he would feel about me NOT living with him and NOT being married to him if we were to have a child together. (Because, right now I don't want to move away from my job or F's children. And I'm not ready to get married again.) Right now he is thinking about it.

F would be ready to have a baby whenever, but I doubt that he has discussed this with Bartender. -.-
 
You need to consider a child's right to know who its bio parents are. Not just what would make your life easier. Also, the dad's right to know whether a child is theirs biologically.
 
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