I've mostly identified as poly for about the last six years. I'm currently single. I'm trying to figure out the extent to which I should continue identifying as exclusively poly or if I should also be open to mono relationship possibilities. I feel that in an ideal world I would be poly, but I also feel like I could be happy in a monogamous relationship, and I feel that identifying as poly limits my dating pool. Although I do live in a very big city with a decent number of poly people, there are still way more mono people.
I'm not someone who has always known I was poly or feels like it's the only way I could be happy. However, I've never really felt much jealousy when one of my partners was dating somebody else, which maybe does mark me as poly.
When I first learned about polyamory (a platonic friend in college told me that she had two boyfriends and explained a bit about her situation), my thought was basically, that sounds kind of cool, but it's not for me. Partly this is because my parents have a very strong mono relationship, where they met in high school and are still in love and happily married more than 40 years later, and I wanted a relationship like that for myself. But a few years later, I reconsidered my beliefs and decided to become poly. I read some non-monogamy books (Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn), talked to some poly people, and decided that poly just made more logical sense as a way of living. It felt like a major shift in my world-view, for the better.
Since then, I've had a few open relationships, a few short-lived hookups, and one monogamous relationship. Polyamory has not worked out as well as I've hoped, but neither has monogamy. On the one hand, I haven't been able to find deep loving relationships polyamorously yet. It's been more along the lines of friends with benefits or lovers, but not so much potential life partners. I haven't really quite done what I'd call living a poly lifestyle. I once casually dated two women at once, and I once dated a woman who was dating another man, but I've never had multiple partners, one or more of whom have also had multiple partners. I had one woman break up with me because she had offered to give poly a try because liked me a lot, but later decided she couldn't handle being poly.
On the other hand, I haven't had so much success with monogamy. The people I've dated monogamously, it's turned out that we just weren't compatible for that kind of relationship in the long term -- we had personality incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be each others' one and only love. My monogamous relationships, while they lasted, have been far more intense and satisfying than my open relationships, but they ended very painfully and left me hurting badly for many months afterwards. (though I did become friendly again with one ex after the breakup) In contrast, polyamorous breakups that I've experienced have been comparatively amicable, and I've always remained on friendly terms with the person after the sexual component of the relationship has ended.
I feel like I could potentially be Satisfied either polyamorously or monogamously, in the right circumstances. If I could really find somebody who was a near-perfect match for me (shared interests, shared values and beliefs, extemely strong sexual connection, extremely strong intellectual connection), then I could be satisfied being monogamous. If I could find a few different people to date and develop a deep emotional connection with at least one of them, I could be satisfied polyamorously (partnered poly or nonhierarchical poly), even if all of the people I was dating had characteristics that would be deal-breakers for a monogamous partner. I could maybe also be happy in a solo polyamory orientation, although I think I would eventually want to develop a closer connection with somebody.
When I've dated one person whom I was really into, I haven't felt a strong or urgent need or want to date other people, nor have I had the time to do so. However, I'm skeptical that I'd be happy eventually getting married monogamously and then going the rest of my life only every having sex with that one person. It might work, but I worry that eventually we'd lose the sexual spark or grow apart in other ways.
But then . . . it's hard for me to say that a deep poly situation would be any better for me, because I haven't really managed to try it quite how I'd like to. I don't like the idea of working for years and years to finally be developing deep relationships with multiple people at once, turning down monogamous relationship possibilities in the process, only to find that polyamory actually doesn't make me happy, that it's too much work, too hard to manage my time, not enough along time for myself, or that I really do have issues with jealousy when my relationships become more serious. Although I suppose that experience would be no worse than having yet another intense monogamous relationship followed by an intense and painful breakup.
Sometimes I feel I'm partly attracted to polyamory just because it's different and unusual and outside the mainstream, and that if the mainstream were polyamorous I would want to be monogamous instead.
So again, in theory, I'd love to be poly, but when I go on OkCupid and see how many more mono-identified matches I have than poly-identified, or when I start dating somebody I really like and bring up poly and have them react negatively, or when I see how happy my siblings are in monogamous relationships, it makes me feel that maybe I should give monogamy a try again, or at least maybe I should be open to dating monogamous people when I'm single, because it might give me a better chance to have some relationship satisfaction in the current dating climate.
In theory, I could do both, date poly people and mono people as long as I'm single, and that's kind of what I've been doing, but I kind of feel like I have to make a choice. For many mono people, even discussing the possibility of polyamory seems to be a turnoff, they worry that I wouldn't be happy with them monogamously. And for poly people, discussing the possibility of monogamy seems to be a turnoff, they worry that I might end up wanting to be monogamous down the line. And these concerns are justified for all parties.
So anyway . . . I'd appreciate advice from any of you, and in particular from people like me who don't feel like they're necessarily wired only for poly who have tried out both poly and mono.
I'm not someone who has always known I was poly or feels like it's the only way I could be happy. However, I've never really felt much jealousy when one of my partners was dating somebody else, which maybe does mark me as poly.
When I first learned about polyamory (a platonic friend in college told me that she had two boyfriends and explained a bit about her situation), my thought was basically, that sounds kind of cool, but it's not for me. Partly this is because my parents have a very strong mono relationship, where they met in high school and are still in love and happily married more than 40 years later, and I wanted a relationship like that for myself. But a few years later, I reconsidered my beliefs and decided to become poly. I read some non-monogamy books (Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn), talked to some poly people, and decided that poly just made more logical sense as a way of living. It felt like a major shift in my world-view, for the better.
Since then, I've had a few open relationships, a few short-lived hookups, and one monogamous relationship. Polyamory has not worked out as well as I've hoped, but neither has monogamy. On the one hand, I haven't been able to find deep loving relationships polyamorously yet. It's been more along the lines of friends with benefits or lovers, but not so much potential life partners. I haven't really quite done what I'd call living a poly lifestyle. I once casually dated two women at once, and I once dated a woman who was dating another man, but I've never had multiple partners, one or more of whom have also had multiple partners. I had one woman break up with me because she had offered to give poly a try because liked me a lot, but later decided she couldn't handle being poly.
On the other hand, I haven't had so much success with monogamy. The people I've dated monogamously, it's turned out that we just weren't compatible for that kind of relationship in the long term -- we had personality incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be each others' one and only love. My monogamous relationships, while they lasted, have been far more intense and satisfying than my open relationships, but they ended very painfully and left me hurting badly for many months afterwards. (though I did become friendly again with one ex after the breakup) In contrast, polyamorous breakups that I've experienced have been comparatively amicable, and I've always remained on friendly terms with the person after the sexual component of the relationship has ended.
I feel like I could potentially be Satisfied either polyamorously or monogamously, in the right circumstances. If I could really find somebody who was a near-perfect match for me (shared interests, shared values and beliefs, extemely strong sexual connection, extremely strong intellectual connection), then I could be satisfied being monogamous. If I could find a few different people to date and develop a deep emotional connection with at least one of them, I could be satisfied polyamorously (partnered poly or nonhierarchical poly), even if all of the people I was dating had characteristics that would be deal-breakers for a monogamous partner. I could maybe also be happy in a solo polyamory orientation, although I think I would eventually want to develop a closer connection with somebody.
When I've dated one person whom I was really into, I haven't felt a strong or urgent need or want to date other people, nor have I had the time to do so. However, I'm skeptical that I'd be happy eventually getting married monogamously and then going the rest of my life only every having sex with that one person. It might work, but I worry that eventually we'd lose the sexual spark or grow apart in other ways.
But then . . . it's hard for me to say that a deep poly situation would be any better for me, because I haven't really managed to try it quite how I'd like to. I don't like the idea of working for years and years to finally be developing deep relationships with multiple people at once, turning down monogamous relationship possibilities in the process, only to find that polyamory actually doesn't make me happy, that it's too much work, too hard to manage my time, not enough along time for myself, or that I really do have issues with jealousy when my relationships become more serious. Although I suppose that experience would be no worse than having yet another intense monogamous relationship followed by an intense and painful breakup.
Sometimes I feel I'm partly attracted to polyamory just because it's different and unusual and outside the mainstream, and that if the mainstream were polyamorous I would want to be monogamous instead.
So again, in theory, I'd love to be poly, but when I go on OkCupid and see how many more mono-identified matches I have than poly-identified, or when I start dating somebody I really like and bring up poly and have them react negatively, or when I see how happy my siblings are in monogamous relationships, it makes me feel that maybe I should give monogamy a try again, or at least maybe I should be open to dating monogamous people when I'm single, because it might give me a better chance to have some relationship satisfaction in the current dating climate.
In theory, I could do both, date poly people and mono people as long as I'm single, and that's kind of what I've been doing, but I kind of feel like I have to make a choice. For many mono people, even discussing the possibility of polyamory seems to be a turnoff, they worry that I wouldn't be happy with them monogamously. And for poly people, discussing the possibility of monogamy seems to be a turnoff, they worry that I might end up wanting to be monogamous down the line. And these concerns are justified for all parties.
So anyway . . . I'd appreciate advice from any of you, and in particular from people like me who don't feel like they're necessarily wired only for poly who have tried out both poly and mono.
Last edited: