My relationship structure just changed shape. I had been living in a triad for six years, we started calling ourselves a triad about a year before that when my girlfriend (let’s call her Day) moved for grad school. Day had been dating my other partner (let’s call him Evening) for about two years before setting off for grad school. Evening and I had been together for a year when he started dating Day. Day was a close friend and artist partner so when she asked that we become a triad and try to live together once she was done with her masters I thought it was a scary but great idea. I am sexually straight but I loved Day and I thought the three of us could work beautifully together.
We lived together for six years in a really expensive city while Day finished her PhD and I finished my MFA. Evening picked up his life and moved with us but struggled to find work in the new city.
Things started heading south before Day finished her year away. She hid a couple of sexual and romantic relationships. When she came back to move with us Day and Evening were already fighting. The fights seems explosive and scary to me. I tended to blame them both equally for stuff being so difficult. I got annoyed at Evening because I could see how he could make it emotionally easier on Day but he wouldn’t. I was often in-between them. I felt like an emotional referee and was often used as a translator. When Day was getting angry at everything Evening was saying I would sit next to them and re-explain what Evening was saying in a way Day could hear better. This went on for a few years… Day’s anger got bigger and bigger. She felt controlled. And like the relationship wasn’t working out the way she wanted it to. She often said she was ashamed of how we were living and that we were lying to people because they all thought that she and I were in a sexual relationship but we weren’t. (this never bothered me, I didn’t mind if people made assumptions about our sex life… if I was close friends I would explain but their assumptions didn’t make my relationship with her feel invalided)
Day would get into major rages. She would throw things, drive recklessly, say and do hurtful things on purpose and threaten to hurt herself or commit suicide. She could go to her room and scream. She would bang her head against walls. It was terrifying. For awhile Evening and I would jump in fear when we thought we heard the front door opening. While this was going on Evening had stopped fighting and just retreated into himself. He would be so paralyzed by sadness that he couldn’t function. He couldn’t look for work and he rarely got out of the house. During this time Day would travel for school and hook up with people. We had learned through hard knocks that Day wouldn’t tolerate relationship rules or boundaries. The way Evening and my relationship worked was that we would tell each other when we were interested in someone. We would try to let each other know when we thought it would turn sexual and that we would use protection until otherwise stated. These rules were to much for Day and so we dropped them… if hurt was shown about her choices she would blow up, tell us our relationship was fake and that she was being used.
About two years in we started seeing a therapist. With his help things got better. But it felt like we spent most of our time addressing Day’s hurt. Evening and I got a lot better at listening to and defusing Day’s anger. And Day put a lot of work into not taking out her overwhelming emotions on us. Things got a lot better but they never got good. Up until two months before she left she was still having explosive outbursts and suicide threats. They happened a lot less frequently but they still happened. She finished her degree and got a great job in a new city, we were not invited to come with her and we didn’t want to go.
So that’s all back story.
So yeah… Day left about four months ago. We had planned to stay together. Or rather they had planned to stay together. I was done. Had been of a year. I had come to the term abuse and I was waiting for Day to leave. I still showed up for therapy. I still listened and tried to be giving but I was counting the days. Day and Evening wanted to talk about staying together in this new shape.
Once Day left Evening was finally able to see her treatment as abuse. He has since asked for little contact from her as he heals and figure out what he wants. I am working on a project with her but other than work stuff I have asked for the same. She has been rational, understanding and supportive. (Which for some reason makes us both angry… like where the fuck was this response for years?!?!) She says the last thing she wants to do is hurt us more.
So now the issue. I am angry. I rarely expressed anger during our relationship. I found that bring my feelings into the room often made things worse. I was able to express some of it in therapy but mostly I have put my feelings aside to try and make the relationship work. I’m angry at Day but I’m also really angry at Evening. And I’m angry at myself for staying so long in such dysfunctional relationship. I’m angry at Evening for disappearing emotionally for years… even though that was now years ago.
Evening wants to fix our relationship. He wants sexual and romantic intimacy. I have been making time to spend with him (we live together as well) we have been talking a lot and processing a lot. He is just starting to realize what a negative impact Day had on him. And while I thought I saw it clearly I am finding that I didn’t know how deeply in crushed his since of self worth. I find that I’m constantly irritated at him. I can mostly put this aside and it fades when we spend quality time together. He wants to start dating (something that wasn’t on the table with Day… while she slept with whoever she wanted she was extremely controlling of Evening) and I want him to start dating. I have two other partners that have help support me through this rough stuff.
Argh… sorry this is getting so long….
But this is the actual issue:
All of a sudden Evening is having feelings (anger? Hurt? Fear?) at me about things that seems acceptable to him before Day left. Things around my other partners. Stuff that I didn’t think I had to inform him of (like when we are having sex and where we are having sex) all of a sudden are upsetting him.
I understand that we are both healing. But I feel so frustrated by this development. And the fact that I’m holding all this anger about the last six years doesn’t help. I don’t mean to be upset at him. I want to figure out what our relationship is like without Day in it. I want to fix our sexual intimacy and I think we have the skills to do that… but it’s going to take time… and I don’t think I can handle him putting limitations of my other relationships….
And that’s another thing. They aren’t limitations or clear boundaries. He just needs me to hold space for his feelings. He wants me to hear his feelings but he isn’t asking for anything. It ends up with me feeling like I’m walking on egg shells again. I feel like I’ve spent the last six years taking far to much responsibility for other people’s feelings and I feel like he is asking me to do that more. He tells me I’m not doing anything wrong. He won’t just ask for what he needs and when I ask him to be clear he says that that puts all the pressure on him to fix the situation. And he doesn’t want rules but he wants me to be considerate of his feelings… and that feels like a trap to me. I have to constantly be worried about his reaction (he’s not mean or explosive like Day he just gets down and/or frustrated and I find his feelings hard to be around because they affect me a lot, I’m scared to death of him slipping into another deep depression… it was like he was just gone for years) but I don’t have any guidelines to lean on. But every time I see my other partner he gets upset. I try to make times and places to talk about it… but we have so much to talk through.
I just feel stuck. I don’t know what direction to move in. I am hurt and angry and I know we need time. I love him but I’m also deeply (and not rationally) angry at him. Intellectually I know he isn’t way we were in a abusive relationship for so long… we are all equal players in that. But I still have all this anger. At myself, at Day and at Evening. And when Evening starts picking at the relationships that have held me together during all this darkness I just want to run away from him… I’m not. But I want to.
What do I do? Where do I even start? How do I make this less painful on Evening? How do I let go of all this unaddressed anger?
We lived together for six years in a really expensive city while Day finished her PhD and I finished my MFA. Evening picked up his life and moved with us but struggled to find work in the new city.
Things started heading south before Day finished her year away. She hid a couple of sexual and romantic relationships. When she came back to move with us Day and Evening were already fighting. The fights seems explosive and scary to me. I tended to blame them both equally for stuff being so difficult. I got annoyed at Evening because I could see how he could make it emotionally easier on Day but he wouldn’t. I was often in-between them. I felt like an emotional referee and was often used as a translator. When Day was getting angry at everything Evening was saying I would sit next to them and re-explain what Evening was saying in a way Day could hear better. This went on for a few years… Day’s anger got bigger and bigger. She felt controlled. And like the relationship wasn’t working out the way she wanted it to. She often said she was ashamed of how we were living and that we were lying to people because they all thought that she and I were in a sexual relationship but we weren’t. (this never bothered me, I didn’t mind if people made assumptions about our sex life… if I was close friends I would explain but their assumptions didn’t make my relationship with her feel invalided)
Day would get into major rages. She would throw things, drive recklessly, say and do hurtful things on purpose and threaten to hurt herself or commit suicide. She could go to her room and scream. She would bang her head against walls. It was terrifying. For awhile Evening and I would jump in fear when we thought we heard the front door opening. While this was going on Evening had stopped fighting and just retreated into himself. He would be so paralyzed by sadness that he couldn’t function. He couldn’t look for work and he rarely got out of the house. During this time Day would travel for school and hook up with people. We had learned through hard knocks that Day wouldn’t tolerate relationship rules or boundaries. The way Evening and my relationship worked was that we would tell each other when we were interested in someone. We would try to let each other know when we thought it would turn sexual and that we would use protection until otherwise stated. These rules were to much for Day and so we dropped them… if hurt was shown about her choices she would blow up, tell us our relationship was fake and that she was being used.
About two years in we started seeing a therapist. With his help things got better. But it felt like we spent most of our time addressing Day’s hurt. Evening and I got a lot better at listening to and defusing Day’s anger. And Day put a lot of work into not taking out her overwhelming emotions on us. Things got a lot better but they never got good. Up until two months before she left she was still having explosive outbursts and suicide threats. They happened a lot less frequently but they still happened. She finished her degree and got a great job in a new city, we were not invited to come with her and we didn’t want to go.
So that’s all back story.
So yeah… Day left about four months ago. We had planned to stay together. Or rather they had planned to stay together. I was done. Had been of a year. I had come to the term abuse and I was waiting for Day to leave. I still showed up for therapy. I still listened and tried to be giving but I was counting the days. Day and Evening wanted to talk about staying together in this new shape.
Once Day left Evening was finally able to see her treatment as abuse. He has since asked for little contact from her as he heals and figure out what he wants. I am working on a project with her but other than work stuff I have asked for the same. She has been rational, understanding and supportive. (Which for some reason makes us both angry… like where the fuck was this response for years?!?!) She says the last thing she wants to do is hurt us more.
So now the issue. I am angry. I rarely expressed anger during our relationship. I found that bring my feelings into the room often made things worse. I was able to express some of it in therapy but mostly I have put my feelings aside to try and make the relationship work. I’m angry at Day but I’m also really angry at Evening. And I’m angry at myself for staying so long in such dysfunctional relationship. I’m angry at Evening for disappearing emotionally for years… even though that was now years ago.
Evening wants to fix our relationship. He wants sexual and romantic intimacy. I have been making time to spend with him (we live together as well) we have been talking a lot and processing a lot. He is just starting to realize what a negative impact Day had on him. And while I thought I saw it clearly I am finding that I didn’t know how deeply in crushed his since of self worth. I find that I’m constantly irritated at him. I can mostly put this aside and it fades when we spend quality time together. He wants to start dating (something that wasn’t on the table with Day… while she slept with whoever she wanted she was extremely controlling of Evening) and I want him to start dating. I have two other partners that have help support me through this rough stuff.
Argh… sorry this is getting so long….
But this is the actual issue:
All of a sudden Evening is having feelings (anger? Hurt? Fear?) at me about things that seems acceptable to him before Day left. Things around my other partners. Stuff that I didn’t think I had to inform him of (like when we are having sex and where we are having sex) all of a sudden are upsetting him.
I understand that we are both healing. But I feel so frustrated by this development. And the fact that I’m holding all this anger about the last six years doesn’t help. I don’t mean to be upset at him. I want to figure out what our relationship is like without Day in it. I want to fix our sexual intimacy and I think we have the skills to do that… but it’s going to take time… and I don’t think I can handle him putting limitations of my other relationships….
And that’s another thing. They aren’t limitations or clear boundaries. He just needs me to hold space for his feelings. He wants me to hear his feelings but he isn’t asking for anything. It ends up with me feeling like I’m walking on egg shells again. I feel like I’ve spent the last six years taking far to much responsibility for other people’s feelings and I feel like he is asking me to do that more. He tells me I’m not doing anything wrong. He won’t just ask for what he needs and when I ask him to be clear he says that that puts all the pressure on him to fix the situation. And he doesn’t want rules but he wants me to be considerate of his feelings… and that feels like a trap to me. I have to constantly be worried about his reaction (he’s not mean or explosive like Day he just gets down and/or frustrated and I find his feelings hard to be around because they affect me a lot, I’m scared to death of him slipping into another deep depression… it was like he was just gone for years) but I don’t have any guidelines to lean on. But every time I see my other partner he gets upset. I try to make times and places to talk about it… but we have so much to talk through.
I just feel stuck. I don’t know what direction to move in. I am hurt and angry and I know we need time. I love him but I’m also deeply (and not rationally) angry at him. Intellectually I know he isn’t way we were in a abusive relationship for so long… we are all equal players in that. But I still have all this anger. At myself, at Day and at Evening. And when Evening starts picking at the relationships that have held me together during all this darkness I just want to run away from him… I’m not. But I want to.
What do I do? Where do I even start? How do I make this less painful on Evening? How do I let go of all this unaddressed anger?
