Defining the Relationship in Polyamory

[MsEmotional]

The person I am seeing has made a few comments about not knowing what to call me when talking about our relationship with their friends. People in their life are asking if we use titles for one another. How does the process of defining the relationship work in a poly situation? I feel like all the info I can find about DTR is all about the notion of exclusivity.

We have both said that we see ourselves in a long-term relationship with one another. We have both confessed that that is where we are hoping this leads. We have both said "I love you" and not just because one person said it and the other felt compelled. We have also both decided to see where this relationship goes and have decided not to seek out other relationships at this time. Nevertheless, we only met a month ago.

I just don't know what title is appropriate. We are both relatively new to poly and so this is the first time either of us has navigated this.

What is the process of defining the relationship when there is no expectation of exclusivity?

 

[GalaGirl]

The person I am seeing has made a few comments about not knowing what to call me when talking about our relationship with their friends.

Sounds like you are dating. So "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" works for me. Or "dating partner" or "person I'm seeing."

A friend of mine used to argue about her fuckbuddy because she was adamant he was NOT her boyfriend. She would call him things like "fuckbuddy" or "fucktoy."(Never mind that she's gonna marry him now. Now he's her "fiancé." )

I have kids in the house. Back then I asked her why it couldn't be close enough to call him "one of Miss Stephanie's boyfriends" to the children? Because I wasn't going to say "Miss Stephanie's fuckbuddy." She knew who I meant, and I knew who I meant. He could just be one of her boyfriends she was seeing. I wasn't calling him her her steady boyfriend. But I sure as heck wasn't going to call him "fuckbuddy" and have the youngest kids going around repeating that.

Teacher: Did you have a nice weekend?

Kid: Yeah. Miss Stephanie and her fuckbuddy came over for dinner.​

Sheesh.

Kinda old fashioned terms perhaps, but a grandma or someone who doesn't know anything about poly can understand "boyfriend" and "steady boyfriend." So why belabor it? Sometimes close enough is close enough. The people in the actual relationship know what they are to each other.

Stephanie argued that they didn't want to put labels on the relationship. I asked her why she was labeling him as "fuckbuddy" then. I said, "I can call him 'Mr. David' or 'Ms. Stephanie's friend' but I am NOT going to call him 'fuckbuddy.' This is my house and my kids. You have deal with that when you are over here or not come over."

Basically she had to pick SOMETHING neutral enough for mixed company that includes kids if she was going to be hanging around my house and bringing this guy over here. I didn't care what she picked. I didn't care if he was actually her fuckbuddy or not. I cared my kids weren't going to go around talking like that.

Ultimately you guys have to pick the words you want to use. I suggest just picking something simple and polite in mixed company. Close enough is close enough. Don't sweat it or overthink it too much.

Galagirl

 

[Shaya]

Ah, GalaGirl, you crack me up.

Go with boyfriend/girlfriend. Or if you're not out about polyamory yet, go with friend.

 

[FallenAngelina]

MsEmotional, you're married, very new to poly and I assume you're closeted, so I doubt you'll want to refer to your new guy as your boyfriend, even though it sounds like both you and he feel that way about each other. This is the issue that gay people faced for years (centuries, actually) - How do we refer to each other in all manner of mixed company? If you're not interested in outing yourselves, then some form of "friend" is what you have to work with. Most poly women who are married and fairly out refer to their boyfriend(s) as their boyfriend(s.)

What is the process of defining the relationship when there is no expectation of exclusivity?

This is a good question. I guess where monogamy is assumed, the couple become official boyfriend and girlfriend (or same sex equivalent) when exclusivity is agreed upon. It's a "moment" in the relationship. In poly, the couple comes to much the same moment because the relationship has progressed to mutual value of emotional commitment, except that exclusivity may not be required. Some poly couples do agree on exclusivity among agreed upon partners along with this recognition that they are an official couple. For example, you and your BF might agree that you're BF/GF and agree that neither of you will be seeking new partners, your husband being a preexisting partner and obviously part of your fidelity agreement. A lot of poly people in couples have a policy of "no new partners before we talk about specific intendeds." That also can be part of your moment when the relationship has progressed to BF/GF.

 

[kdt26417]

In relationship anarchy, the person would be just, a "friend."

 

[vinsanity0]

This question reminded me of a time when I was single but sleeping with someone pretty regularly. We had not really discussed the bf/gf thing. We went over to a mutual friend's house for a drink one night and she just asked point blank what we were. I kind of blurted out "friends". She didn't like that at all and said we were lovers. Labels mean more to some people than others.

Personally, I have always called my wife my wife and various others friends or girlfriends depending on how things have progressed. Or whatever they wanted to be called, because the label doesn't really matter to me.