Definition Clarification

D

drivenfast

New member
Hi all,

It was suggested that I pose this question to the larger forum...since the larger group might be able to help me go through this thinking....

My question: is an open marriage just sex? Or, in an open relationship, should I expect constant communication?

Like constantly texting, calls, emails? Constantly communicate with one another? Or is that not a "normal" open relationship?

Is that different that Polyamory?

Thoughts?
Thanks,
Confused
 
Hi drivenfast,

I think that open/poly folk have largely failed to define what they mean by "open" and "poly." They are rather shapeless words, and blend in with each other. Some open relationships -- and some parts of some open relationships -- have a lot of communication and emotional connection; others do not. In some contexts, open means a relationship is "open" to relatively casual outside relationships; in other contexts "open" refers to all ethical nonmonogamy in general. In which case, poly becomes a subset of open.

The phrase "constantly texting" raises a red flag. It sounds like someone is neglecting their primary partner and/or neglecting the rest of their life/relationships in general. Outside of questions about definitions, this is something you should probably discuss with them: "I am uncomfortable with the amount of texting you do when you and I are purportedly spending time together."

Don't know if that clears things up at all, but it's what I had to offer.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
drivenfast said:
Hi all,

It was suggested that I pose this question to the larger forum...since the larger group might be able to help me go through this thinking....

My question: is an open marriage just sex? Or, in an open relationship, should I expect constant communication?

Like constantly texting, calls, emails? Constantly communicate with one another? Or is that not a "normal" open relationship?

Is that different that Polyamory?

Thoughts?
Thanks,
Confused
Click to expand...

Hm. It's my thinking that there is no normal, no rules about this sort of thing. A big part of doing relationships successfully (open, closed, mono, poly, really any kind) is communicating and negotiating. So here we are, stepping outside of the normal expectations and rules about relationships as done by the supposedly monogamous majority...we're kind of making it up as we go. You get to write your own script. On the one hand, that's very liberating. On the other, you don't have a set of standards and social rules to fall back on here.

So here's what I don't understand.

Are you saying that you have a casual relationship where both of you are allowed to date others (open, in that sense) and you feel it's deliberately very casual and sex-based, but your partner is constantly texting and maybe getting more serious than you want?

Or are you with a woman in an open relationship where you are each other's primary partners, but can each date others (like an open marriage) and she is getting constant texts from the other person she's seeing while you're spending time together?

Or are you with a serious partner in an open relationship and have a casual sex partner (to your understanding) on the side, and she is now texting you a whole lot, and you aren't sure why since it's only supposed to be casual?

I'm assuming that you're a guy and straight, and I know I might be utterly off base with any of that, but I needed a way to simplify my illustration, I don't know truly what you're talking about.

But the solution of any of that, is communication.

So if you have any relationship that YOU intend to be casual and sex based, but the other person is texting you "constantly" then you need to express to them that all you were really down for is casual sex, and you really don't want to have a RELATIONSHIP per se, and that the constant texting is just too much for you. This has nothing to do with the right way to do open or poly. This is YOU having different expectations than your partner has. Kind of sounds like they might be getting some feelings and you've partitioned off and prevented that in yourself. Not everyone can control and just NOT get feelings. For some, it just happens. And honestly, that might be ok as long as they understand that you aren't going to return that. (If that partner ever says, "I love you"...maybe just say, "Thanks!")

You need to talk and be honest.

And then there is the possibility that your primary partner has someone else and your metamour's (partner's partner) texts are feeling like an intrusion on your relationship... Again, solution is to communicate your needs.

"Look, when you're with me...I need you to be with me. This is getting hard for me to deal with. If you want to be open with me and have other partners, you still need to respect our relationship here..."

Sounds to me like one way or another, you need to explain your position to somebody.
 
Clarifying definitions isn't going to help if what you're hoping to do is find an Authoritative Source™ which you can point at to say "you're doing it wrong because the definition of Open is x and you're doing y, so change and do it my way". If your partner's behaviour is upsetting you, it's the behaviour that needs to be addressed, not the label on the behaviour.

What if you do get someone here to agree that constant texting doesn't fit into their definition of "Open"? Will that actually change anything or will your partner just say "you're right, we should call it [something that allows constant texting] instead"? You need to define the behaviour you agree to in your relationships, not the word you use to name it.

Edit: If you were allergic to peanuts and someone gave you a peanut butter sandwich, you wouldn't ask them to go back into the kitchen, cross out "Peanut butter" on the jar and relabel it "Strawberry jam", you'd tell them you can't eat peanuts and ask for something different. It's not the name that's the problem.
 
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drivenfast said:
My question: is an open marriage just sex? Or, in an open relationship, should I expect constant communication?
Click to expand...
That's a false dichotomy. My answers would be "no, not necessarily" & "no, not necessarily."

The O'Neills originally meant "open marriage" to mean a dyad where the individuals did not feel they needed to be metaphorically joined at the hip, to do absolutely everything as a couple, to only go places with each other, to only have outside interests as a couple.

It had nothing to do with sex/love/emotion outside the dyad. But, they soon realized that controversy sold more books. They tried to redefine "marriage" yet offered few useful guidelines on actual nonmonogamy.

An open relationship is what you make it. IMO, if someone in the dyad needs constant communication, this grates against actual openness.
 
Hello,

I'm the past I've done that. I did that then because of insecurity as I was being ridiculous and thinking that I was going to get abandoned. I hear that's quite common. Dirong that time I did not feel good at all. I got very depressed. Once I worked through my issues and worked myself out I didn't feel the need to anymore and was, with no surprise able to get back to normal and have nice health connections with others. This person could be distressed emotionally and need to work on themselves. Try talking to them about it? Explain its causing you problems and talk it out maybe?
 
Agreed

PollyNymA/ Ravenscroft/ Emm / Spork,

Thank you for your words of wisdom.... I do think I was / am trying to categorize the behavior. The more I think about it, the more it resembles a "mid-life" crisis... an emotional and physical cry for trying to reconcile what expectations were when we were all kids, naive and optimistic; with the realities of what we feel should be right for us now.

I think I was thinking open and polyamory as a fix to the situation... rather, I think there is not an answer for us. I think more than anything, its a cry for emotional connections that we as a couple should already have. This may not be for her, this may not be for me, not for us.

Thank you... I think I have more clarity now... I just want to be supportive of what she is experiencing.
 
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