Desperately seeking guidance (open to all to help please)

M

MZTERY

New member
Hello, everyone. It has been awhile since my last post. I have a very serious concern/question.

I am having trouble being satisfied intimately with my primary partner. Now the thing is, I am not his primary. To him I am equal to the rest of his partners. I respect that and appreciate his honesty with this whole relationship, but I feel that this is interrupting my "mojo" with him. I use to feel complete with him. Our sex life was always great! I never had a complaint to this magnitude and am frustrated and very sad.

To add, he has expressed wanting to have children with each of them. We already have two of our own. We were technically not "living" together for a long stretch of time. (That is when he made his other connections, when he kept telling me he was working on our future, but anyway! LOL)

Now my kids have their father, a big beautiful home, everything runs pretty smoothly for the household, but I am afraid that as my relationship hurts because of our status, my children will eventually hurt too, because of the kids and the hurt going around them!

I don't want to hurt my children and I don't want to feel used! (Sorry. I brought up two topics in one. Let me stick to my initial concern)

Sex is more about unity, love, and feeling as one together. At least to me, it always has been. I don't feel connected like that anymore. Our relationship use to feel so sweet, but now I feel like an obligation. I actually feel like he feels obligated with each of us and that makes me sad for him and each of us.

I don't think bringing more kids into the equation is a good idea at the moment. I feel no one is really prepared for the huge change that that will bring!

My relationship with him just him is not the same. I get along with the girls fine. I find them each very attractive and as people I think they are great, intelligent souls that have much to offer the world. I am grateful, although sad at times, that he has them, because they have made him happy. I am sad because I feel I could be the "perfect" woman for him, and I am restricted to love and act the way I want.

I have told him about my sexual frustration with him, and that I have even wanted to have sex with the girls too, which has also frustrated me! We participated all together once.

From what I hear, the two girls have been together on their own, as well. The girls shared a "relationship" for some time, so I feel that helps contribute to their closeness more, and even more with him, because they have all shared a roof longer and more consecutively than I have. I have also spoken to the one girl that I feel more comfortable with speaking to about all this.

I have received positive feedback verbally, but actions definitely speak volumes. Having sex with him feels like it's on a schedule. I don't like that. I want to be able to do it whenever wherever I want, especially in our bedroom, which we barely ever get to do!!

I am sure they take advantage of the fact that my work hours are at times that they each have alone time with him, so they get to do it wherever however, and that pisses me off! UGH!

I don't want to feel this sh*t anymore. I want to fulfill my own desires somehow, but am so lost and confused as to how. I know I am blabbering, but I am just letting it all out. I am praying to hear as many pieces of advice as possible!

Thank you for your time. God bless. Namaste to all.
 
It sounds like part of the problem involves his actions, his decisions, his behaviors. Alas, I know of no way of controlling those things. You can only control your own actions, decisions, and behaviors. The most you can do is plead with him but that doesn't mean he'll do what you want. You'll have to decide how you'll respond to his decision.

So right now you are all living under one roof? There is you, him, two other ladies, and two children? I just want to make sure I have the correct picture of the situation.

Sounds like part of the problem is your work situation, which is frustrating to you. Can you change shifts or jobs?

Does he place special restrictions on your behavior, or is it mostly just a situational thing?

I'll try to help if I can.
 
Buy some good toys, like a vibrator and a dildo, and seek out another boyfriend for yourself.

The more important issue, as I see it, is the children and the fact that he wants to father more with these other chicks. What's that about? Spreading his seed? Weird.

Your libido and sexual satisfaction can be taken care of in another relationship. Don't focus on that right now. Focus on the baby-making issue, and his role as father. Does he let his obligations and responsibilities slide because he's concentrating too much on boinking these other women?

You might want to request that you and he go to therapy together.
 
Remove "the girls" from the conversation first. Keeping them in it just reinforces your sense of not having an ability to improve the situation.

The first thing I saw is that your work schedule inhibits you from having the type of personal time alone with him that you want. So how do you schedule that alone time?

Even in mono relationships with children, it's impossible to have sex "whenever and where ever you want." I have more ability to have unhindered sex and alone time with my guys now then I ever did mono, because one or the other can take the kids so I can have one-on-one time with the other guy.

Are you unhappy with the amount of alone time, or unhappy about the quality of alone time, or both? In either case, you need to look at what you can do to change the situation between you and him.

As for bedrooms, I don't even know what to say to that, because I don't understand why you can't have sex in your own room. That makes no sense to me at all.
 
Even with paragraph breaks, this makes no sense to me. I advise that you find a partner who wants to have sex with you. Can this man afford these kids? Does he actually parent them? My hunch is that he plays the Domly Dom Daddy role whilst he grows his harem.
 
Amazing responses

You all had great responses to this for me. Thank you!

London, what do you mean by this? "My hunch is that he plays the Domly Dom Daddy role whilst he grows his harem."

No, we are not financially set to afford any more kids. Not even if I were to become pregnant will I be secure financially. So it's not just who gets pregnant. Our kids already are in 4th and 2nd grade, and require much more than they did before (ironically), and that makes me worried, because I don't want them to lack the moderate stability we have.

Loving Radiance, what you said here, "Are you unhappy with the amount of alone time, or are you unhappy about the quality of alone time,
or both?" is very much true for both factors. Last night, since I had raised the complaint earlier that day about not being satisfied, he must have told the one girl (I'll call her AL) to leave us alone downstairs.

(She is always around, by the way, which is okay for the most part, but I feel it comes off as being inconsiderate and selfish at other times because, like I said before, it feels more like each female wants to have their own relationship, rather than a group relationship.)

Anyway, when we were alone, he performed his best on me, and as it was satisfactory at that point, it almost felt like it was forced. But I could be wrong, and I am just feeling sh*tty that I had to even mention this sh*t in the first place. IDK!

What you mentioned last, "As for bedrooms, I don't even know what to say to that, because I don't understand why you can't have sex in your own room. That makes no sense to me at all," really bothers me too. For the most part, I barely get any time in the bedroom alone with him. We seldom have sex in our bed, and that feels stupid, annoying, and childish! I am a grown woman, with kids, a man at home, and I have to f*ck him in the bathroom or the futon so we don't "disturb" others that are there, or just to be alone together. Either way, it's retarded to me! It shouldn't have to be this way.

NYCindie, what you asked here, "The more important issue is the children, and the fact that he wants to father more with these other chicks. What's that about? Spreading his seed? Weird," is exactly what it is! He says that he wants to keep his bloodline going, and he believes that these girls have the capacity of procreating with him strong, intelligent, talented children as "ours" so that his "strong" genes continue to spread. He is fixated on the idea that where we live is like a den, where he is the lion, and we are the lionesses in the cave breeding for him.

He also does not want any of us to go outside the relationship as long as we are living under "his" roof! So therefore, going to another boyfriend would be a no-no for him! That makes me feel like he is not polyamorous at all, just a guy who wanted to bang us all, and have us all under one roof too.

kdt26417, thank you for wanting to help. No, I can't change my job, or work hours especially. I am happy where I work and love my job. I have recently acquired my degree in the field I work in and my career is important to me. I wouldn't jeopardize that. He definitely has behaviors and actions to adjust, I believe. I have to get better at addressing the issues, pronto.

I honestly look at these girls and see that they are not ready for the drastic change that having children will bring, especially with this type of lifestyle. I don't see us as the type of polyamorous relationships I have read about. Between us girls, we can hang like friends, but once someone is getting the lovin' from him, the others start to feel a certain type of way. And even though they deny it to him and me when I raise the eyebrow on that issue, I am not stupid! I have a strong sense of feeling and I can absorb other's energies very well.

Besides, my kids tell me how the girls are with them, and I have even seen it myself. They get annoyed by them, ignore them. They are not child-friendly at all! They just don't capture the love of children or even animals like that. And that says a lot to me, cuz their love is not genuine, it is forced.
 
MZTERY said:
He also does not want any of us to go outside the relationship, as long as we are living under "his" roof! So therefore, going to another boyfriend would be a no-no for him. That makes me feel like he is not polyamorous at all, just a guy who wants to bang us all, and have us all under one roof, too.
Click to expand...

He's got himself a closed polygyny situation going on. This situation is fine, as long as everyone involved wants to be in a closed polygyny sort of situation. So, are you displeased with being in his little tyrannical empire? Or are you just irritated because of him wanting to pump kids into the other members of his slave den? I can't tell, because you don't sound happy with the situation, but you don't seem very focused on exactly what you want to change.

What would this situation look like if you could design it yourself? Try and focus in on what exactly the issue is, so that you can decide what specific action you need to take. The emotional "I feel" approach is handy for identifying that a problem might be present, but it gets in the way of actually taking action.
 
I feel the same as Marcus about harems. My issue is whether he can afford these children and how much parenting he actually does, considering he has other family units to maintain.
 
Amazing responses

Marcus, when you mentioned this, "Are you displeased with being in his little tyrannical empire? Or are you just irritated because of him wanting to pump kids into the other members of his slave den? I can't tell, because you don't sound happy with the situation but you don't seem very focused on exactly what you want to change," it made me think a little more as to which between the two would be the greater issue.

I am not really interested in meeting another male partner at all. Female partners, however, yes, I am. The reason is that I want to have a partnership with a female that we could share our love, care, and time with also. That is why when he told me this was what he wanted, and made it seem like the girls were just as interested in me, I was intrigued and excited, because I was looking forward to a loving relationship with all of them. But that is not the case.

And yes, the fact that he wants to pump kids in other women does bother me, because he said to me once he would never have kids with other women, even if we were to part!

If I could design the relationship, I would want to have a say in choosing the girl or girls for us to share our lives with, and we would have all shared a loving caring relationship for awhile before moving in together. Having children with them would then not be an issue because I would be a part of the time of conception, and therefore, feel as if the baby were more "ours" as a whole, not a family within a family within a family. It just feels so segregated to me like this.

The fact that we had kids of our own beforehand would be irrelevant to the new style of relationship, but I would feel more comfortable including them in my kids' life if I knew they loved and cared for me too, as their partner. I would even want to have another baby with them the same way, and I would consider the girl or girls the baby's mommy too, because I would have not just been making love to him, but to her as well, at the time of conception.

London, you and I share the same concern. When he talks about our kids, he expresses how much he can't wait til they are older so that he no longer has to take care of them. He talks about travelling the world, and doing so much as a free spirit, as he calls himself. He is not a bad father. He's actually been doing very well with our kids since we have been living under the same roof consistently again. I just feel that he likes to add too much to his plate, because he needs to feel productive somehow, or useful, perhaps.

IDK. It just seems off, to me, for someone who looks forward to freedom from small children, to want to have more with others. It just seems like he feels obligated to, because he told them he would. And he feels and tells us that he is a better man than anyone else we would find on our own; that all other men would play us out and lie to us all the time, making him feel more powerful to breed more with multiple women.

BTW, he also says that each of us are easily replaceable, and that it would be nothing for him to kick me out, with the kids, or kick out the other girls. He says he is not with me for the kids.

He says he doesn't need any of us, he wants to be with us.
 
So, what's upsetting you is that he sold you a triad? Sorry to break it to you, but that's not what you have. So your choices are to accept that, and work on improving the intimacy situation between you and him, or leave. Bringing another woman into what appears to be an already overly-occupied house just so you can have some unicorn fantasy fulfilled, would not be smart.
 
MZTERY said:
We seldom have sex in our bed, and that feels stupid, annoying, and childish! I am a grown woman with kids and a man at home and I have to f*ck him in the bathroom or the futon so we don't "disturb" others that are there, or just to be alone together? Either way, it's retarded to me! It shouldn't have to be this way.
Click to expand...

He gets away with this because you put up with it. Why? Of course it's ridiculous. No sane person would agree to fucking only in the bathroom when you really want to fuck in your own bedroom. So, why do you put up with his bullshit? Is he your boss?

It doesn't matter that they are disturbed by the sounds of him fucking you. It's your house and it's up to them to do what they need to in order to occupy themselves so that they don't hear what's going on. They're idiots for getting into this situation, anyway, if they can't handle the fact that he fucks you, too.

MZTERY said:
NYCindie, what you asked here, "The more important issue is the children, and the fact that he wants to father more with these other chicks. What's that about? Spreading his seed? Weird," is exactly what it is! He says that he wants to keep his bloodline going and he believes that these girls have the capacity of procreating with him strong, intelligent, talented children as ours, so that his "strong" genes continue to spread. He is fixated on the idea that where we live is like a den, and he is the lion, and we are the lionesses in the cave breeding for him. He also does not want any of us to go outside the relationship as long as we are living under "his" roof! So therefore going to another boyfriend would be a no-no for him. That makes me feel like he is not polyamorous at all, just a guy who wanted to bang us all and have us all under one roof.
Click to expand...

This is a fetish. He is fetishizing human relationships. There are guys into forced pregnancy. They get off on fathering children. But that is one of the most horrific and abhorrent reasons to bring new life into the world.

Seriously, this is insanity. Your partner is one sick motherfucker, unfortunately. You are exposing your children to behavior that will teach them that women are worthless if not breeding for a man. Take your children and get out now. Devise an escape plan and find a safe place to stay where he won't find you. Go to your employer and ask for help, go to a shelter to hide, anything to get outta there. This is not a joke.

MZTERY said:
When he talks about our kids, he expresses how much he can't wait til they are older so that he no longer has to take care of them. He talk about travelling the world and doing so much as a free spirit, as he calls himself. He is not a bad father . . . he feels and tells us that he is a better man than anyone else we would find on our own; that all other men would play us out and lie to us all the time. Making him feel more powerful to breed more with multiple women.

He also says that each of us are easily replaceable and that it would be nothing for him to kick me out with my kids, or any of them. He doesn't need any of us; he wants to be with us.
Click to expand...

Mztery, you have serious self-esteem issues if you have endured this for so long. Even the most intelligent women wind up in situations like this because they lack self-esteem. Remember Hedda Nussbaum. You need help, too. TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND GET OUT NOW!
 
Last edited:
I agree wholeheartedly with NYCindie. This doesn't sound healthy, unless you were happy with his situation and wanted to be a "kept lioness".

My V has run into some issues, with his wife, and my spouse, but the thing is we all talk, and everyone's needs are highly considered.
 
Natja, I was describing to Marcus what I would have designed it to be from the start, if it would have been up to me, as Marcus asked. I wouldn't add any more people to this home at all the way it is. I agree I do have to work on the intimacy. I am well aware at this point that what was "sold" to me is not what it is.
 
I agree with NYCindie. Your partner is a very unstable, unhealthy individual. I am amazed you haven't figured this out already.
 
MZTERY said:
I have to work on the intimacy. I am well aware that what was "sold" to me is not what it is.
Click to expand...

So by saying that, are you indicating that you have no intention of leaving such a situation?

*sigh* I don't think anyone can help you, then. :(
 
Good luck "working on your intimacy" with this misogynistic, chauvinistic, Me-Tarzan-You-Jane-You-Mary-You-Lisa-You-Heather-You-wait-your-turn-in-the-bathroom-i'll-get-with-you-later-maybe-you-already-have-two-of-my-fuck-trophies-what-more-do-you-want-woman-stop-me-somebody-i-have-other-things-to-do-today
 
NYCindie, you have made me feel like I really need to be careful now more than before. I knew that his mannerisms had to be an issue. And the way he goes about the relationship and treating the other girls is pretty harsh. I feel terrible the times he yells at them when they do something wrong, like drink his water (like yesterday) or misplace his things. It sounds awful. He does not speak to me like that at all! He tries to and has gotten somewhat loud and obnoxious, but not to the extent he does with them.

He definitely controls them more than me, as sad as that sounds, and it's more than obvious.

For your first question, why do I put up with the whole bedroom situation? Well, I have because it is the only way I have personal time with him. I don't schedule time with him at all. I just go about my day and night and let it be when the time comes for us to be alone together. I know that is wrong and silly for this type of lifestyle, but I really don't like the idea of scheduled attention. To me, love is so natural that I don't see how it can be controlled and feel genuine and pure at the same time. :confused:

I don't know who Hedda is. I will look it up.

Wow, the "forced pregnancy" fetish almost sounds too on point for him! Our kids were never planned at all. They happened naturally as a blessing from God. He tells people that we did plan them and that he feels planned pregnancies are better and the parents last longer. I think this is BS to make himself and the other girls feel better about this whole arrangement. He use to be all about the family, and the bond we had, and our kids were a big deal for him. But as of late, it just seems like it is more of a negotiation/work/whatever. You feel me??

BTW, he also says it is in his blood to be a pimp, because of who his parents were. He never met them because his mother died (was killed) and his bio-father was never around. He was raised by his dad (adoptive), who married several times, and said he loved them all, plus cheated a lot. So he says he grew up seeing it was possible to love more than one woman. Plus he slept with more than one girl as a young teen/older teen, and the girls would know. They would have orgies. Blah. It's another reason why he believes he can make this work, and being polyamorous was always a part of him.

He also says that since we have been living together for 6 months, he doesn't see why this wouldn't work.
 
Pause. Flag on the play. Run the clock back. This chap said it is in his blood to be a pimp?? What the hell? That caught my attention, and I had to comment.

I mirror the previous thoughts, so no need to be redundant. Your relationship has deeper issues than intimacy and lack of sex. He sounds abusive. Yelling at somebody because they were drinking "his" water? Wanting to spread his seed and increase the population? Forced pregnancy is not cute. The other women he is involved with must have low self-esteem and no self-worth.

Get yourself and your children out of this crazy-ass situation!
 
MZTERY said:
He yells at them when they do something wrong like drink his water.
Click to expand...

Well you know, they should have known better. You do NOT drink the Man's water. They should be glad they are allowed breathe the same air as the Man.
 
Hedda Nussbaum was an intelligent, accomplished woman who eventually became a frightened shell of her former self after suffering emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her live-in boyfriend Joel Steinberg. Their adopted daughter Lisa died of blunt force trauma, after Joel Steinberg beat her and Nussbaum did nothing to save her. At first, they charged Nussbaum with the child's death, until it was discovered that she was also suffering from malnourishment, broken ribs, and neglect. It was determined that she had been abused, controlled, and restricted by Joel Steinberg, and Nussbaum felt powerless, or not allowed to help Lisa as she lay dying.

She was a smart woman, successful, together, and she became a wreck and a recluse, and a child died because she let Joel Steinberg run her life.

While your partner may not be beating you, he is abusive. You are putting your children at risk by continuing to accept this man's treatment of you. You need to boost your self-esteem and start looking at the stark reality of the situation you're in.

Stop making excuses for him and GET OUT NOW.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top