Destroying myself

[ConfusedMedic]

So, new here to the site and to lifestyle. I guess I should start with the basics me and my wife have been Married/together 7 years, we have both been life long monogamous people, but very open minded and understanding. I was raised in a sorta poly environment as a child (a destructive one looking back and im sure that has poisoned my current endeavour to some extent). Throughout the course of our marriage I have, like most men entertained the idea of other women but I have also found myself excited by the idea of my wife with other men, my interest is almost purely sexual. I'm very emotionally detached from humanity with the exception of my wife who is my world. But, I am very sexually adventurous. The thought of opening my marriage seemed perfect to me....so I introduced the concept gradually over a period of time my wife is an anxious person but has a free strong "free love" type personality so we had a couple discussions and the intial shock passed and she was onboard. I found myself pushing more toward a swinging style deal but I understand my wife was not as comfortable with this as I was so it only seemed natural to allow her to be herself and get to know people and be courted and form a bond with people...so I built her confidence up on the topic reassured her constantly and set her free on the world (and was excited to do so initially). But here several months into this deal my personal dynamics have changed, she has a few suiters alot of attention that she enjoys she is happier than ever before we are closer than ever before, I find myself miserable. I have begun to feel like something really awful has happened (mostly by my design). I find myself feeling alone and neglected, she is constantly finding time to spend with her secondary partner which I understand completely, but I feel alone when she is with him I have no one to talk to (we text constantly throughout the day otherwise) I find myself sitting at work staring at a ceiling feeling like my world is crashing down around me, and incredibly aroused...once the arousal has subsided I find myself enraged and feeling betrayed. For the first time since marriage I find myself feeling rejected again not only by my wife but by the rest of the world aswell as a very unattractive male ivre struggled with rejection my whole life until I found and married a an amazing beautiful woman who always made me feel wanted, and since this began I've lost all confidence and just want to cling to my wife and feel loved again... alone. I have went from feeling like us in our own world to me alone in my own world, and my wife has been caring and patient and understanding with me but I cant shake these feelings. I thoroughly enjoy the sexual aspect of this (we've had threesomes with her secondary and I found alot of fun in it) she is incredibly happy with her liberation and new found confidence and it's wonderful to observe. I just cant shake this constant feeling of loneliness and exclusion, I've discussed closing the marriage back but she doesn't want to entertain that idea nor is it truly fair. I feel like I'm a swinger married to a poly. I feel like im dieing constantly and having panic attacks while im at work and she is out or not actively speaking to me( I work 48 hour rotation shifts) ive never been this needy before in my life I miss monogamy but I cant steal her happiness. I've created my own hell, she is the only person I've ever loved and felt loved me, divorce isn't really an option at all. I want to close this again but I know that is selfish, foolish, and destructive.

 

[ConfusedMedic]

Open to hear opinions, answer questions, receive sage like advice.

 

[Emm]

It's a little unclear what you want sage advice about due to the wall of text. Perhaps editing your post to add paragraphs would make it more readable and increase the number of people who have advice to offer.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I think Opening has shown you that you've been reliant on your wife for your whole social network. Now that she needs time to develop her relationship with her secondary partner (and you seem to get this) ... you notice that you don't have anyone else to call or hang out with or text with on your long 48 shifts. You could spend some time developing more of a social network for yourself and getting to know your coworkers.

What I don't understand is where the enraged feelings or feelings of betrayal are coming from.

You say you and wife are closer than ever before... and that your wife has been caring, patient and understanding with you. So how is she neglecting, rejecting, or betraying you?

Is the emotion more akin to grieving? Because when you end monogamy, even if wanted to Open, you are going to have some grief because something has ended.

A lot of times people talk about "adding a third" to the existing relationship. But I don't think it feels that way. I think it is (breaking up the 2 people thing) and then (reforming as a 3 people thing).

The joy of the 3 people thing might be felt, but the loss of the 2 people thing may also be felt and need to be acknowledged. Have you and wife spent time processing that?

I just cant shake this constant feeling of loneliness and exclusion.

Is there poly hell stuff that could be tempered a bit?

Either in your behavior or in hers?

Are you doing negative self talk and adding to your burden?

I've discussed closing the marriage back but she doesn't want to entertain that idea nor is it truly fair. I feel like I'm a swinger married to a poly.

Is there some sort of "competition feelings" at play here? Like you guys Opened, and on your side you aren't doing so great with the swinging, where on her side she's doing ok with developing a poly partnership with someone. And you envy this perceived "success" and wish you had it for yourself?

I found and married a an amazing beautiful woman who always made me feel wanted

How did she stop making you feel wanted?

Is she too gushy around you about her new partner? It's ok for her to enjoy NRE without gushing at you about it if she's over-gushing. You can tell her you are happy for her, but you are adjusting so please don't over-shareat this time.

You are figuring out how to be a V-arm and she's figuring out how to the be V-hinge now that there's a V situation where she's the shared sweetie. There's going to be growing pains.

I feel like im dieing constantly and having panic attacks while im at work and she is out or not actively speaking to me

What are you thinking that leads to panic feelings? What does talking her do to bring back calm and reassurance? Could that be brought about in other ways so you expand your coping toolbox?

I want to close this again but I know that is selfish, foolish, and destructive.

No need to call yourself names and add to the "rejection load" you are feeling. Why pile on?

It may be that you were willing to try something (Open) hoping that it would work out. And then you come to find you actually don't like it.

You might stick it out a bit more to see if it calms down -- because it is a huge transition and the ripple effect may not yet be over. It's ok to feel weird and wobbly. The "old normal" is gone and the "new normal" isn't here yet. It is a time of change and things are not certain yet. Be ok being a person in transition.

Or if you are sure it is not your thing?

You could ask your wife to stop with the Open. Then figure out what that looks like.

• If that means you are willing for her to keep her current partner, but please Close to dating any more NEW people?
  
• If that means asking her if she is willing to Close entirely and dump her current partner?
  
• Or if that means you are no longer willing to be in a poly network and you choose to bow out. Stop the bus so you can get off. If she continues the ride on her own or not, that's up to her. (That may include divorce. Even though you don't like thinking about it. )

I can imagine that these things are hard to think about. But you still have to sort it out so you can feel better. Feeling "destroyed" like this forever -- not a good thing.

Lean INTO it and sort it out.

Galagirl

 

[ConfusedMedic]

You'll have to forgive the incoherent nature of my ramblings, I'm currently on shift and have been awake for an unnatural amount of time.

Prior to the lifestyle change we were pretty codependent, I have made alot of friends never had time to maintain them (still dont between work and trying to be a father) It's an adjustment, I love seeing her be social and happy (its a huge change from her social anxiety riddled past)

I don't per say feel she betrayed me (grieving is pretty accurate of a sensation aswell) I fell the situation jas betrayed me, I introduced this and it's left me feeling at odds with myself. She has been magnificent in dealing with me on this, I worry so much about her happiness I'm willing to sacrifice mine it bothers me that she would let me, but it's not her place to ensure my happiness.

I don't believe she is doing anything wrong, she is the same with me as always before I just feel much more needy at a time when she needs more breathing room.

The third is actually a mutal friend now (they are at an odd FWB stage) I truly enjoy his friendship.

And I've basically given up perusing others, I've found all my interest shifted back to her, fear of losing her mixed with fear of rejection from others has really steered me away from chasing others at all. I dont feel competitive with her (male vs female id be naive to belive id have success like her) I feel competitive for her ( I know irrational to the situation) I find myself terrified to lose her. And obsessing over her, buying cards, flowers, breakfast in bed. Ive.always been a romantic but it feels different now like im losing her panic driven almost, constantly showering her with attention and gifts I find myself have sex with her 4-6 times in my 48 hours home, so much so I dont want to presue my own interests.

I have enough self awareness to acknowledge some of the overt anxiety related symptoms stem from professional strain and sleep deprivation, she has just become the focus of those issues, this is an area where she is slightly uncompassionate, but it is not her issue to deal with and in 7 years I've been pretty good at self healing so it isnt exactly somewhere she is familiar with, I don't know that I can power through this one alone.

Im at odds I love alot of aspects of this but there seem to be some irrational unexpected side effects. I just find myself wanting her more than ever before, in a time where she needs more freedom than ever before.

 

[GalaGirl]

You'll have to forgive the incoherent nature of my ramblings, I'm currently on shift and have been awake for an unnatural amount of time.

That's fine. You are struggling over there. Understandable.

You'll have to forgive me if I guess wrong. Because I am going to guess. And I might be way off base. But in case it helps you? Here's my impression.

I feel the situation has betrayed me. I introduced this and it's left me feeling at odds with myself.

What were you expecting to feel that has not come to pass? So you then feel disappointed/betrayed about it?

She has been magnificent in dealing with me on this, I worry so much about her happiness I'm willing to sacrifice mine. it bothers me that she would let me, but it's not her place to ensure my happiness.

It bothers you that she would let you but it does not bother you that YOU would let you? Maybe it is part of the codependency?

I'm not sure why you would throw your own happiness under the bus. Do you not know how to create your own happiness?

I don't believe she is doing anything wrong, she is the same with me as always before I just feel much more needy at a time when she needs more breathing room.

To feel better, you might have to learn to meet some of your own needs on your own. NOT make her be your everything.

If you were codependent with your wife, and you both made the other one your "life raft" that worked out. Not necessarily healthy, but it worked out. Each one took care of the other one. All the needs were met.

Now that she is overcoming her social anxiety and learning to stand on her own two feet, you might wonder what she needs you for, if no longer as her "life raft." Because she's learning to meet some of her needs herself.

Though she treats you the same, still being your life raft, still carrying you? As she moves toward "no longer codependent" you might perceive the loss of YOUR job -- you no longer carry her. You are no longer her life raft.

So maybe instead of "swapping needy" which somehow felt "fair" now you feel "extra needy."

It might feel like you've lost your purpose in the dynamic. She doesn't need you as a life raft like before. So you go over the top with attention and whatnot trying to "prove" how valuable you still are. Maybe so she needs you for something else?

To me this sounds very complex and more than internet people can help with.

I don't know that I can power through this one alone.

Then don't go at it alone. Have you considered a counselor for extra support in this transition time? Looking up codependent recovery tools online? Something else?

You are talking about this whole thing DESTROYING you and it sounds intense. I suggest you ask your wife to please Close to just her current other partner -- no extra new suitors as a compromise for now while you seek a counselor to help you.

You don't want to divorce but Opening has shown you that you were willing, but not exactly able. You have identified some areas that need plumping up:

• You need more of a social network for yourself
• You need more of a support network for yourself
• You need to learn to meet more of your own needs
• You need to work on letting codependency grow
• You need to resolve this "fear of rejection" thing from your past once and for all

You could have to work on them so you become more able to poly well. So you can cope better and this feels less stressful.

I'm just not sure what order to tackle that in. I think one thing could affect another thing -- so a counselor maybe be best to help you untangle.

Im at odds I love alot of aspects of this but there seem to be some irrational unexpected side effects. I just find myself wanting her more than ever before, in a time where she needs more freedom than ever before.

I think poly tends to magnify all the cracks already there. In this case, your codependent dynamic with your wife.

I'm very emotionally detached from humanity with the exception of my wife who is my world.

She's the only one you have "let in" so you are super attached to her. Being fond of your spouse is great. I'm not knocking it.

But to make her your everything, your world... that's not romantic. It also isn't healthy. That's avoiding learning how to deal with other people. You still remain detached from humanity.

In time, it might feel suffocating for your wife. You seem to realize she needs some room to breathe. So that leaves you learning how to stand on your own feet. You could face the fears and be assertive.

I don't know if this is comforting at all...

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

― Cynthia Occelli

But I encourage you to seek counseling to help support you in this transition time. You sound like you have a lot of stuff to untangle.

Don't be afraid to ask you wife to stop dating new people and stick with the one partner she has. That's not telling her to Close or dump him -- that is asking her to slow down while you deal with stuff on your side.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ConfusedMedic,

I am wondering if you could work out a few compromises with your wife. Such as, maybe she could still text you sometimes while out with her other dating partner. And/or, maybe she could attend some swinging events with you, in addition to her poly dating.

It seems you have opened the bottle and the genie has gotten out. There is no way to put the genie back in the bottle. You will have to try to adapt to the new situation. Sitting around wishing your wife would go back to monogamy with you is only tormenting you, it is not accomplishing anything. Your goal now is to figure out how to adapt to the situation.

Can you get out there and date at all? If you could, perhaps that would help you think a little bit less about what your wife is doing.

Just a thought.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ConfusedMedic]

Can you get out there and date at all? If you could, perhaps that would help you think a little bit less about what your wife is doing.

Not really practical, I work 4380+ hours a year, her "dance card" is empty mines full basically with work alone, time off I prefer to dedicate to family time, her kids etc. I don't have time to spend with anyone else. I think expressing some of my problems help, I really just need to suck it up swallow it down and adapt.

 

[Tinwen]

I think expressing some of my problems help, I really just need to suck it up swallow it down and adapt.

Be careful to chew well, otherwise you'll have bad digestion

No, really - either you can adapt or not. Give it a fair chance. If it doesn't get better in, say, half a year, you two will have to decide on monogamy or divorce. If you just swallow the thing - you could hurt yourself irreversibly.

 

[Magdlyn]

You say you choose to spend your time off with the kids. But if you feel like "a swinger married to a poly," why not get out to a sex club and do some swinging? There, you can have sex, and also perhaps make some friends.

Hire a sitter for the kids if your wife is out (with her bf or doing whatever) and go pursue your own interest, swinging. Do something nice for yourself. Self care is very important in the more independent world of open marriages.

If you feel "very unattractive," you could hit the gym and make healthy food choices and get in shape too. Get a good haircut, etc.

 

[Ravenscroft]

You repeatedly use some variant on "obsess"... & I get the impression that this is clinically accurate. I am not joking. It's been demonstrated that a significant portion of people working the insanely long shifts common in the medical field show clear symptoms of PTSD.

a 2007 study in the American Journal of Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine found that 24 percent of ICU nurses and 14 percent of general nurses tested positive for symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Other sources say that this "ICU PTSD" is not a lifelong condition, but slowly fades away when the job changes.

You are NOT thinking clearly. Statements of irrational thought lead me to question the veracity of less-outrageous statements. For instance,

male vs female id be naive to belive id have success like her

is wrong: like, I've never been a good-looking man, yet I've generally had more ongoing intimate relationships at agiven moment than did any of my partners.

You need to step back SOMEHOW in your life, & options are limited.

• change jobs
• get aggressive therapy
• set the poly stuff aside
• leave your relationship

Choose one. The bad news is that you may have to choose more than one.

 

[harleyquinn]

It seems like you could benefit from doing things to balance you work/ life balance, this might help boost in self-esteem and serve as a distraction.

I've found it helpful to learn to stay with difficult and uncomfortable emotions, to accept them and let them be, rather than trying to fight them. Mindfulness meditation helps with this.

Communication seems to be key. It seems that you could benefit from being able to honestly express your feelings to your partner. Not necessarily with a motive towards her changing, but more so that you are not carrying this all alone.