SplinteringVelvet
New member
I need advice more than ever! Please help!
Oh boy last night was hell... for those of you who probably haven't read my other threads.. Let me catch you up to date.
My hubs and I have been together for 11 years.
On Sept 26th I found out he had a gf. Apparently his gf was also married and to go against what I was originally led to believe about his gf and her hubs, as it would turn out she was just cheating there was no understanding between them.
It was hell for me at first. My hubs had been lost to the vid game he had met her in for at least 2 years before this point.
I had given up on the idea I would ever have with him what we had before but had started to develop a close bond with one of my friends when he was diagnosed with cancer. For the 6 month following the diagnosis we spoke ever day and became very close friends but also never crossed any boundaries. I had started to wonder if there could be more between us and researched open marriages but never got around to bringing it up with my husband.
Once I found out about his gf... yeah I was devastated.
I knew he was talking to someone, I just figured it was the same kind of friendship I had with my friend minus the cancer factor.
At first hubs was good with having the relationship open slightly and conveniently drew the boundaries to accommodate exactly what he had: an in game romance (its freakin Star Wars... believe me romance is not part of it not to mention they had created alternate fb accounts so they could talk to each other outside of the game)... which left nothing for me.
Eventually I was able to get him to expand on that to a point where I could see if there was any potential with Cancer Guy. But him being interested was never a stipulation for the openness for me.
As it would play out, there was nothing to be had there.
But I had found other friends to lean on as far as getting me through all the emotional crap, insecurities and depression that were coming up. One in particular got me through the first month, on here, I refer to him as the Tragic Poet. He was going through something similar with his ex. There was some intimacy but more than that we just were there for each other at the hardest time in our lives.
Once that dissipated another friend came into the picture lets call him the Hopeless Romantic. Someone who had been in an open relationship before and knew how it was supposed to work as far as respecting our boundaries and keeping everything functional between all those involved. That is when it started to really feel like this poly thing could work for me.
I had posted a thread here about hubs gf's situation and I would share the concerns that were raised there with hubs as I did last night.
And that is what led to the current issue.
I was on my way to a staff meeting last night, had my daughter with me and he started messaging me about this. At first he was telling me he was ready to end it with her but he expected me to do the same. He was convinced that is why I was bringing up the issues.
It wasn't the time to discuss it, and when I got home I started messaging the H.P. to make sure he was in the loop about where hubs was at and it wouldn't be a complete shock if we had to end it.
At the same time I was scrambling to help my daughter get a project done that was due the next day.
And who would start messaging me in a state of crisis but the T.P.
I had all I could deal with honestly! But then hubs wakes up and wants to talk... this is where all the *eyetwitching* begins... because given the situation with T.P. I really couldn't in good conscience just be like "Aww that sucks I gtg"... So I tried to juggle the two convos as long as I could... but hubs was looking for a level of comfort from me that I just couldn't muster. And I was so aggravated, no matter what I said he only heard one thing that he had to end it and being that she is the only girl he wanted it was still the ultimatum.
I tried to explain to him that I wanted it to be open and I didn't understand why I was being punished because he couldn't get involved with a woman who either had an open marriage or was single.
On the back of all this... I really don't feel like he is enough for me anymore. He was, for a very long time and I was extremely loyal. But lately given the depth of his lack in judgement and consideration I just don't feel like I know him anymore.
Regardless we have a life together. He says he plans to break it off with her tonight. But he now says he just wants me to be happy so if I have to have the other guy he is willing to let me have that.
I feel like it is a test honestly and I don't know how well he would actually be able to handle that. We talked about what "having him" would look like and I told him that I had hoped we could have something physical one day not just online. I had hoped to build to that and not actually do it until he was at a place where he was comfortable.
He is saying it is okay so long as I keep it out of the house and don't talk to him about it.
But should I believe that?
I am so lost... what do I do?
Oh boy last night was hell... for those of you who probably haven't read my other threads.. Let me catch you up to date.
My hubs and I have been together for 11 years.
On Sept 26th I found out he had a gf. Apparently his gf was also married and to go against what I was originally led to believe about his gf and her hubs, as it would turn out she was just cheating there was no understanding between them.
It was hell for me at first. My hubs had been lost to the vid game he had met her in for at least 2 years before this point.
I had given up on the idea I would ever have with him what we had before but had started to develop a close bond with one of my friends when he was diagnosed with cancer. For the 6 month following the diagnosis we spoke ever day and became very close friends but also never crossed any boundaries. I had started to wonder if there could be more between us and researched open marriages but never got around to bringing it up with my husband.
Once I found out about his gf... yeah I was devastated.
I knew he was talking to someone, I just figured it was the same kind of friendship I had with my friend minus the cancer factor.
At first hubs was good with having the relationship open slightly and conveniently drew the boundaries to accommodate exactly what he had: an in game romance (its freakin Star Wars... believe me romance is not part of it not to mention they had created alternate fb accounts so they could talk to each other outside of the game)... which left nothing for me.
Eventually I was able to get him to expand on that to a point where I could see if there was any potential with Cancer Guy. But him being interested was never a stipulation for the openness for me.
As it would play out, there was nothing to be had there.
But I had found other friends to lean on as far as getting me through all the emotional crap, insecurities and depression that were coming up. One in particular got me through the first month, on here, I refer to him as the Tragic Poet. He was going through something similar with his ex. There was some intimacy but more than that we just were there for each other at the hardest time in our lives.
Once that dissipated another friend came into the picture lets call him the Hopeless Romantic. Someone who had been in an open relationship before and knew how it was supposed to work as far as respecting our boundaries and keeping everything functional between all those involved. That is when it started to really feel like this poly thing could work for me.
I had posted a thread here about hubs gf's situation and I would share the concerns that were raised there with hubs as I did last night.
And that is what led to the current issue.
I was on my way to a staff meeting last night, had my daughter with me and he started messaging me about this. At first he was telling me he was ready to end it with her but he expected me to do the same. He was convinced that is why I was bringing up the issues.
It wasn't the time to discuss it, and when I got home I started messaging the H.P. to make sure he was in the loop about where hubs was at and it wouldn't be a complete shock if we had to end it.
At the same time I was scrambling to help my daughter get a project done that was due the next day.
And who would start messaging me in a state of crisis but the T.P.
I had all I could deal with honestly! But then hubs wakes up and wants to talk... this is where all the *eyetwitching* begins... because given the situation with T.P. I really couldn't in good conscience just be like "Aww that sucks I gtg"... So I tried to juggle the two convos as long as I could... but hubs was looking for a level of comfort from me that I just couldn't muster. And I was so aggravated, no matter what I said he only heard one thing that he had to end it and being that she is the only girl he wanted it was still the ultimatum.
I tried to explain to him that I wanted it to be open and I didn't understand why I was being punished because he couldn't get involved with a woman who either had an open marriage or was single.
On the back of all this... I really don't feel like he is enough for me anymore. He was, for a very long time and I was extremely loyal. But lately given the depth of his lack in judgement and consideration I just don't feel like I know him anymore.
Regardless we have a life together. He says he plans to break it off with her tonight. But he now says he just wants me to be happy so if I have to have the other guy he is willing to let me have that.
I feel like it is a test honestly and I don't know how well he would actually be able to handle that. We talked about what "having him" would look like and I told him that I had hoped we could have something physical one day not just online. I had hoped to build to that and not actually do it until he was at a place where he was comfortable.
He is saying it is okay so long as I keep it out of the house and don't talk to him about it.
But should I believe that?
I am so lost... what do I do?
