Did I overstep our boundaries?

SmileTexas

New member
We are taking a break and closed our relationship three weeks ago. However, my wife's recent ex boyfriend keeps contacting her trying to get back together. They stopped dating a few weeks before we closed. She keeps telling him she isn't interested. I finally got fed up because it isn't cool for him to try to date her when we are closed. When I told her, she admitted that she hasn't told him that we are closed. I sent him a nice message on FB letting him know we are closed and he was nice back. We know each other and have discussed their relationship before.
The wife is mad at me and didn't want me to contact him. Did I cross a boundary or was I justified? I feel it wasn't fair to him or me that she wasn't being completely honest. I really believe she wasn't interested in him. It just seems like telling him we are now closed is easier that the emotional back and forth that she prefers.
 
My 2 cents?

It is not cool for him to keep pursuing when she says she is not interested. Whether you are open or closed she is not interested in him. That is NO and no should be enough for anyone.

He is crossing a line pestering and not listening to her no. It is not nice to ignore "no." He is not a "nice guy."

I feel it wasn't fair to him or me that she wasn't being completely honest.

She is not required to share extra info with a guy who is being FRESH. You call it "not fair/not honest" but why should she give a fresh guy MORE personal data about herself or her present situation? Why would she "owe" a fresh guy like that anything besides no? Especially when he ignores what she says? Is her personal safety and her personal data more important to her than her being "honest and fair" to a fresh dude?

Why are you making it be about you? How is it not fair to you that she does not want to tell a fresh guy more info about herself or her situation when he will not take no for an answer?

If he is calling your house bugging you because you have to listen to the ring? You do not need her consent to tell a caller on your shared line to stop calling it. You can deal with him direct.

If he is not blowing up your house line and it is HER complaining to you she is frustrated he crosses her line? You can deal with her directly.

You can tell her to stop sharing with you because you are not up for it.
You can validate you would be frustrated in the same shoes.
You can offer to deal with him for her and await her answer.
You can do many things.

If you chose to send him FB notes without waiting for her consent?

Maybe you were provoked by her upset. But if that is the case, you were reacting to your OWN upset and not thinking about her position.

Are you able to see how just like him you are being?

She may be provoked from frustration with the fresh guy, but then YOU crossed the same line. You did not ask consent. You did not respect her voice. She did not get to say yes or no. She got to say NOTHING.

The ex bf is crossing lines either way. She is not interested. No means no. But at least she got to say something there even if he ignores it.

Could apologize to wife. She does not need two men in her life not asking for consent/ignoring her "no"/acting like her voice does not matter.

Even if she provoked upset in you? You could still ask for consent first. Offer to help. Ask what she would like from you first. Wait for answer.

Her having some provoking emotions or behavior does not mean you go off doing some other provoking behavior. You do not have to react to your own upset. You could respond to her wishes for her problem instead.

I do not think she "prefers" emotional back and forth. She is experiencing emotional upheaval post break up. It is simply hard to come to terms with a former bf she used to think was a nice guy now being a dick about not taking NO as NO. It is creepy. And with certain guys? It can get scary!

That is rough to process even without extra hubby complications on top.

Galagirl
 
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Because she broke up with exbf before she and hubby closed. What happens in her life after their break up is not his biz. He is now an ex. And not interested means not interested. Shoo!

Galagirl
 
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He was just sending her lots of messages on FB about how he cared for her and wanted to try start a relationship again. They broke up last month and she removed him from her main FB page but not her business one which I thought was weird. Why one and not the other? He sent her messages on the business FB.
They did text back and forth a few times and she mostly didn't respond to his messages on FB. I just don't get why she didn't just tell him she wasn't open anymore if there was some communication happening.
I felt he should know her relationship status which is currently monogamous. I do not believe he would be pursuing her if he knew that. I also believe that if someone you personally know is pursuing your wife in a monogamous relationship, you should be able to talk to him in a civilized manner. Especially if he doesn't know she is currently monogamous.
It is possible that the messages were still flattering and although she didn't want to date, she liked the attention. Another option could be that she wanted some payback since she broke up with him because he didn't give her enough attention.
I am just throwing ideas out there.
 
I see where you're coming from, GalaGirl, but something here just feels...off...to me. If someone wasn't taking my no for an answer, I'd just block his emails/facebook/phone number. I get her being mad that her husband acted for her, without her consent, but something about her actions (by the original poster's description, so I get it's second-hand) just seem...strange, though clearly I have zero basis for that at this point.
 
Another option is she did not know how to get rid of a creeper and feared a hard ass no would mean he goes all "if I cannot have you, nobody can!" Sometimes a person will go for a "slow fade out" hoping he finds a new victim to focus on and leaves them be and forgets them.

Or they pussy foot it because women are raised to "be nice" and a hard ass no seems "too bitchy."

We could guess all sorts of things.

SmileTexas, if you are not sure if you crossed a line, can you ask your wife what she was going for? And what she would have preferred you do instead so you can know to do that in future? Sometimes you cannot plan ahead for some situations. You have to stumble and figure it out from there. But hopefully he is off her back now.

Galagirl
 
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He was just sending her lots of messages on FB about how he cared for her and wanted to try start a relationship again. They broke up last month and she removed him from her main FB page but not her business one which I thought was weird. Why one and not the other? He sent her messages on the business FB.
They did text back and forth a few times and she mostly didn't respond to his messages on FB. I just don't get why she didn't just tell him she wasn't open anymore if there was some communication happening.
I felt he should know her relationship status which is currently monogamous. I do not believe he would be pursuing her if he knew that. I also believe that if someone you personally know is pursuing your wife in a monogamous relationship, you should be able to talk to him in a civilized manner. Especially if he doesn't know she is currently monogamous.
It is possible that the messages were still flattering and although she didn't want to date, she liked the attention. Another option could be that she wanted some payback since she broke up with him because he didn't give her enough attention.
I am just throwing ideas out there.

Ah, and this explains my last post.

Her actions were speaking louder than her words. If she were serious about him not contacting her, she could block him from FB (I know, I've blocked people from both my personal and business pages--it's easy). It sounds like she was enjoying the attention.

I am not saying that contacting him was right, but I do understand why SmileTexas may have been confused and annoyed.
 
I just read your other posts. He isn't a creeper. He is just an ex that realized he f**ked up and was trying to woo her back.
 
Well, no is still no.

Glad he was not out to creeper levels but annoying he was pestering. Hopefully he is gone now!

Galagirl
 
Thanks for your concern Gala. I know there are a lot of jerk men out there. It just happens that this isn't one of those situations. No one is showing up at my house at 2am. The worst this guy might do is send her some flowers. His reply to my message was that he completely understands and wished us good luck in the future.
 
SmileTexas,

You shouldn't have contacted him without your wife's consent. It's her relationship. As GalaGirl said, you could have asked her if that was alright, and if she said no, then asked her to stop discussing it with you (unless, of course, there's some fear for safety, which it doesnt sound like in this case).

You could also talk with her about why she felt the need to not tell him what her relationship status was. If her answer was because she didn't feel she should need to explain anything to him, that's totally understandable. If it's because she felt that she wanted to play games, that would possibly warrant a larger discussion of self-esteem, etc.
 
She told him NO. What can he not understand? Asking for a second chance once, ok. Becoming an annoying pest about it? Lacks dignity on his part. It is not her fault he's a pest. That is his behavior.

If he was not blowing up your land line and thus intruding on your space directly? I would guess her old relationship, her job to complete resolution on. But that may not be your relationship's communication agreement. What IS your agreement on communicating with exes? (Over here it's "you do yours, I do mine, both can ask for help if required.")

If you preferred she tell him you guys are Closed now? You could have asked her to do it. Or asked if she wants you to do it so it gets done by X date. Or asked her to sit with you to discern an agreement for dealing with exes if you did not have one already.

"X needs to be done. Who is gonna own it?" type convo.

Because yeah -- if you guys are mono now, people that can news affect should know the change. And a returning ex-suitor -- it affects them. Clarity is a good thing. It's part of keeping healthy boundaries.

Right now it sounds like you took it upon yourself and she's mad. WHY is she mad? Because you went over her head rather than discerning with her?

What is the desired outcome at this point? To move it forward between you and wife?

Galagirl
 
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