If any of you have had a partner that is romantically strongly connected but physically significantly lower drive to your higher drive, can you share stories? And how to find peace with this? I would share mine, but I can't even find the words and thought hearing from others might help.
Differ desire levels
- Thread starter Asparagus
- Start date
So, I thought I might share bits as I felt them coming up.
I'm jealous. I don't like it. I've just been told by one partner, putting into words what was evident , I the kindest way possible, and with concern for how it would impact me , that she has low desire for me and moderate for our other partner with a lowered libido due to hard life circumstances and meds. (Before it was high for him, and complex with me, as there were blocks to sexual activity on her end, and once they got worked through, the libido thing hit.)
Things I know:
She loves me, and it's mutual
I have not successfully tolerated a romantic but non-sexual relationship before
It may well get better - I was getting more touch and more enjoyment and response from my touch and kisses before the meds, and there are medical things to be done to increase desire she would be interested in
Things will probably never be as sexual as I want- there were mental blocks in sleeping with me, it took 9 months, and though we both enjoyed it, I has not happened again in the 6 weeks or so following.
I am extreme wary of initiating contact because of chances of non- response. (Not rejection, just no response).
She has told me I am free to touch and will let me know if she doesn't like it, but I react like rejection to non-response as much as I do outright rejection
We both have pretty high standards of we don 'to want to do this to do this.
She and I, I feel, will work it out. But I think I may not be up for threesomes right now, and ironically, those seem to be going successfully and be mutually desired on all three of our triad's parts,
This last thing , I feel, is the hard thing. It is a way to work on things and get in some mutually enjoyed contact and maybe create desire. But to be true to myself, I need to say no while the jealousy exists. And I don't like that, or the upset that may follow.
I'm jealous. I don't like it. I've just been told by one partner, putting into words what was evident , I the kindest way possible, and with concern for how it would impact me , that she has low desire for me and moderate for our other partner with a lowered libido due to hard life circumstances and meds. (Before it was high for him, and complex with me, as there were blocks to sexual activity on her end, and once they got worked through, the libido thing hit.)
Things I know:
She loves me, and it's mutual
I have not successfully tolerated a romantic but non-sexual relationship before
It may well get better - I was getting more touch and more enjoyment and response from my touch and kisses before the meds, and there are medical things to be done to increase desire she would be interested in
Things will probably never be as sexual as I want- there were mental blocks in sleeping with me, it took 9 months, and though we both enjoyed it, I has not happened again in the 6 weeks or so following.
I am extreme wary of initiating contact because of chances of non- response. (Not rejection, just no response).
She has told me I am free to touch and will let me know if she doesn't like it, but I react like rejection to non-response as much as I do outright rejection
We both have pretty high standards of we don 'to want to do this to do this.
She and I, I feel, will work it out. But I think I may not be up for threesomes right now, and ironically, those seem to be going successfully and be mutually desired on all three of our triad's parts,
This last thing , I feel, is the hard thing. It is a way to work on things and get in some mutually enjoyed contact and maybe create desire. But to be true to myself, I need to say no while the jealousy exists. And I don't like that, or the upset that may follow.
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Hi Asparagus,
It seems to me that jealousy is playing an understated role in this equation. I have some links on the subject and I hope you'll check them out:
Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.
How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management
Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
If differing libidos are the only problem, then you work on practical ways to compromise and chip away at the difference. But like in my case, there was an additional problem, in that mine was the higher libido level, and my partner perceived that as sex addiction on my part. We had to work through our differences of opinion before we could arrive at a fair compromise with each other.
In more recent years, my libido level has dropped way down, so the whole disparity we were experiencing has become a moot point. But in the earlier years, we had a difference of opinion that created a wider gap than the libido levels themselves.
It seems to me that jealousy is playing an understated role in this equation. I have some links on the subject and I hope you'll check them out:
Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.
How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management
Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
If differing libidos are the only problem, then you work on practical ways to compromise and chip away at the difference. But like in my case, there was an additional problem, in that mine was the higher libido level, and my partner perceived that as sex addiction on my part. We had to work through our differences of opinion before we could arrive at a fair compromise with each other.
In more recent years, my libido level has dropped way down, so the whole disparity we were experiencing has become a moot point. But in the earlier years, we had a difference of opinion that created a wider gap than the libido levels themselves.
Asparagus, you've posted before about dissatisfaction with your so-called triad. You felt sad that they don't want you to move in and be more of a full partner, and that they don't accept the fact that that would entail being more involved with your kids.
You have been seeing this married couple 9 months now, they each have another partner they see occasionally, but I don't think you do.
Now, you're bringing up another aspect of disconnect. Another way your needs are not being met. The female partner does not desire you sexually. Despite all the 3way sex you've had, and weekly one on one dates for just the 2 women, you and her, her desire for you is not evident.
Let's say she enjoys the 3way sex with you and her husband, but only perhaps because of the voyeurism aspect. Is that correct? She doesn't touch you sexually, and doesn't respond when you touch her. And this has been going on for 9 months now.
Is there actually any romantic love between you two? Or just more of a best friends thing? She may be polyamorous but not polysexual.
You are a patient woman. Me? After being romantically involved with someone for 9 months with no sexual desire on their side, I'd give up.
I assume the male of the married couple does desire and satisfy you? Could you (singular and plural) adjust to this relationship taking on more of a V configuration than the triad it doesn't really seem to be?
If I were you (but I know I am not) I'd step back in having any expectations for the female to ever desire you sexually. And go on from there. Obviously it's nothing personal. She has low libido in general. She is on meds that lower her libido even more. She is capable of "loving" another woman (you) but not necessarily desiring one (you) sexually.
Maybe she is not as bisexual as she thinks. Is there any indication she is just doing this "triad" to please her husband? Has she ever had sex with a woman one on one before? (And loved it?)
Now what do you do? Can you accept the possible idea that she really doesn't want sex with you at all, and go on from there, or do you feel compelled to keep wanting her to change, and beating your head against a wall with frustrated desire in the meantime?
I have more thoughts on this but will wait til you ponder and answer my questions.
You have been seeing this married couple 9 months now, they each have another partner they see occasionally, but I don't think you do.
Now, you're bringing up another aspect of disconnect. Another way your needs are not being met. The female partner does not desire you sexually. Despite all the 3way sex you've had, and weekly one on one dates for just the 2 women, you and her, her desire for you is not evident.
Let's say she enjoys the 3way sex with you and her husband, but only perhaps because of the voyeurism aspect. Is that correct? She doesn't touch you sexually, and doesn't respond when you touch her. And this has been going on for 9 months now.
Is there actually any romantic love between you two? Or just more of a best friends thing? She may be polyamorous but not polysexual.
You are a patient woman. Me? After being romantically involved with someone for 9 months with no sexual desire on their side, I'd give up.
I assume the male of the married couple does desire and satisfy you? Could you (singular and plural) adjust to this relationship taking on more of a V configuration than the triad it doesn't really seem to be?
If I were you (but I know I am not) I'd step back in having any expectations for the female to ever desire you sexually. And go on from there. Obviously it's nothing personal. She has low libido in general. She is on meds that lower her libido even more. She is capable of "loving" another woman (you) but not necessarily desiring one (you) sexually.
Maybe she is not as bisexual as she thinks. Is there any indication she is just doing this "triad" to please her husband? Has she ever had sex with a woman one on one before? (And loved it?)
Now what do you do? Can you accept the possible idea that she really doesn't want sex with you at all, and go on from there, or do you feel compelled to keep wanting her to change, and beating your head against a wall with frustrated desire in the meantime?
I have more thoughts on this but will wait til you ponder and answer my questions.
Jealousy was playing a part - not because I was hugely jealous, but because I usually deal with jealosy by figuring out what needs I have and asking for them met, and it wasn't so easy here. So I was freaking out a but, not because I was feeling hugely jealous, but I had an seemingly unsolvable problem causing it- and I could see the problem eroding all we had. The surface need was a match in libidos. The deep need was comfort with knowing what to do with the differing desire levels, and we talked, and I'm feeling okay with that. So I'm comfortable with that flash of jealousy now, and it led to some good talking and openness all around.
Magdyln, your calling this a "so-called triad" really bothers me. I seem to see some other situations that aren't mine being projected on it, and I think I'm ping to correct those, but I'm not sure we'd have a productive conversation, with this perception/distortion in place from both sides, so I'm not going to engage too deeply.
I'm not dating a married couple. I'm part of a non-married triad. We all have lovers on the side- mine is the one that gets seen most frequently, and perhaps the deepest relationship of the three metamours.
We all, at this point, have reached an understanding of a timeframe we desire to live together within, and my feelings of disconnect around the kids have been talked out with a lot of the correspondin fears resolved.
This is a triad I do desire a life partnership. Without going into identifying setails, we've been through hell and rough stuff together from life circumstances together, and have proved we are really good at support and understanding. Like, incredibly good. I love my time with tem, and vice versa.
It's not a voyeurism thing- we fully participate in threesomes.
I'm going to have to accept a difference in libidos, but I think "never desiring me" is not accurate. I know I get desired. There are lots of things I the path between desire and action, though, and things I think none of us understand are at play. I know from a previous experience this may well turn into a sex life that doesn't meet my needs independently, Which is pat of the reason I dated outside te triad. (He was supposed to be a fuck buddy, but we fell in love.) This is what I'm trying to adjust to.
The polysexual versus polyamorous distinction is interesting. That seems to resonate- strong polyamory fbut low polysexuality makes sense.
Nope. I was worried we had a unsolvable problem.
This conversation isn't feeling good to me. I think I'm going to respectfully bow out.
Nope. I was worried we had a unsolvable problem.
This conversation isn't feeling good to me. I'm editing this to offer to either respectfully bow out between Magdyln and me or explain why, privately or on forum if she(you) would like a reason. Magdyln, You have a lot of good insights, And I appreciate them, but I don't think we're a good conversational match.
OK, sorry if I offended you with calling your r'ship configuration a "so-called" triad. Sure, it's a triad if that is what the 3 of you like to call it. And my mistake, I thought X and Y were married. In rereading your other posts (again) I see how often you phrased things like, "They said," "They like," "They want." Instead of "he wants," "she wants." So they sound like a settled "married" (if not legally married) couple that has lived and loved together long enough to share many many opinions.
I am in a r'ship of 6 years with a woman. My libido is way way higher than hers. We have sorted out how to deal with it, between us, or by me seeking male lovers who are horny. But I won't bother you by describing the path we took to harmony if you're not interested. Cheers, and good luck.
I am in a r'ship of 6 years with a woman. My libido is way way higher than hers. We have sorted out how to deal with it, between us, or by me seeking male lovers who are horny. But I won't bother you by describing the path we took to harmony if you're not interested. Cheers, and good luck.
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Not offended, but yeah, I felt judged. Like you were saying I didn't know enough to define what was a triad and not. Sort of a sore spot because that's the skeptical reaction I get from mono folk a lot. So a button. Same with the other comment - like I didn't know enough to know that jealousy was a normal and natural part of any relationship, poly or other - or to use the jealousy constructively.
That's the problem with internet communocation- probably live, I would have gotten the humor/subtlety. And of you knew me (us) better, I don't think you would have came up with those set of words.
I'm interested in your story if you want to give it, but can understand if you don't. I did sort of blow that- dealing with discomfort by asking someone else to change rather than working through it. Sigh. And sorry. Still working I that.
I did realize that it's not jealousy I'm trying not to feel, but other uncomfortable feelings around not being wanted for sex in that way ri'd like to be wanted right now. Feelings of being used to spice up a sex life, but not invited in by my one partner.
So, again, the questions remain: how true is that? Am I okay with that? Do I get what I need out of it? And what next if not?
That's the problem with internet communocation- probably live, I would have gotten the humor/subtlety. And of you knew me (us) better, I don't think you would have came up with those set of words.
I'm interested in your story if you want to give it, but can understand if you don't. I did sort of blow that- dealing with discomfort by asking someone else to change rather than working through it. Sigh. And sorry. Still working I that.
I did realize that it's not jealousy I'm trying not to feel, but other uncomfortable feelings around not being wanted for sex in that way ri'd like to be wanted right now. Feelings of being used to spice up a sex life, but not invited in by my one partner.
So, again, the questions remain: how true is that? Am I okay with that? Do I get what I need out of it? And what next if not?
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