Hey guys. I've been reading the forums for awhile now but this is my first post.
I'm having a difficult time dealing with my partner's long-distance partner, and I guess I'm looking for advice or insight into how other people handle things when they're not going well.
My situation is particularly difficult for me because my introduction to polyamory kind of started out on the wrong foot. My girlfriend and I have been together for about seven years. Last Christmas, we traveled back home to see family and friends. A longtime, what I considered good friend, had a house party one night. We went to the party together, but I left early because I was coming down with the flu. My girlfriend was at the party early into the morning, and when she came home, she told me that our friend had gotten really drunk, professed his feelings for her, and tried to kiss her. He and his girlfriend had an open relationship, and he told her that he wrongly assumed she and I also had that kind of relationship because of things he had heard. She told him that was not the case, and he apologized to her the next day. When she told me about this, I tried not to get mad about it and chalked it up to people doing stupid things when they're drunk and told her it wasn't a big deal. I thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn't.
A few months later, my girlfriend came to me and told me that she also kind of liked our friend too, and that she thought she might be polyamorous. Our friend had introduced the idea to her, and I guess it resonated with her and how she had felt during ours and her previous relationships. I was pretty hurt at first, but I wanted her to be happy, and I was intrigued some of the freedoms open relationships offered, so I agreed to stay in the relationship and see how it would go.
He and his girlfriend have visited us twice now since then, and I have discovered that each time, I have felt increasingly more annoyed/angry with him. The first time they visited, we just kind of tested the waters. His girlfriend had expressed being attracted to me and been flirtatious before, so I went with it. We went out to a club and had a really fun time, and then the next day my girlfriend ended up making out with him and his girlfriend made out with me. Some sexual stuff happened too, but each of us only had intercourse with our own partner.
After our friends went back home, everything was fine for a long time. My girlfriend was more affectionate to me that usual, we were communicating better than we ever had before, and things were just generally going very well. However, I began to notice that my girlfriend was texting with him more and more, and I could tell that they were becoming closer, which made me have some jealous feelings, but I tried to work through them. She later confided in me that she would be interested in something more sexual happening with him since they were becoming closer. I was nervous at first about what would happen, but I had fun the last time they visited, so I agreed when an opportunity came up for them to come back. This time we all actually did end up swapping partners. The next morning, I was kind of a wreck, but I tried not to let it ruin the rest of everyone's weekend. My friend noticed that I was agitated and looked "sad", and so he backed off for the rest of the time they were in town, which I appreciated.
I began to resent his presence over the following weeks, and the more I thought about things, the more angry I became with him. I realized that I was still mad at him for trying to kiss my girlfriend at his party last year. I thought it and opportunistic since I has gone home ill, and I felt that even if he did have feelings for my girlfriend, that's not how one should go about telling her. Those feelings stewed for awhile and I developed this long list of reasons why he's a bad friend and my girlfriend shouldn't have feelings for him. I realize now a lot of that was jealousy I never dealt with, but I'm still struggling with some of those feelings a few months later, and it's making me pretty unhappy at times. He and I have had conversations about how I feel, but nothing has really come of it. He admitted what he did was selfish and callous, but he never actually apologized to me for it and doesn't feel that he wronged me because I acted like it was no big deal back then and allowed thing to progress since.
I had started to think that maybe I was overreacting, looking for reasons to be mad at him, or holding a grudge. But then last week he did something that made me really angry and brought all of those feelings back and reinforced the negative feelings I had developed about him. When all of this started, it was explicitly stated that I did not want our large pool of mutual friends to know about our open relationship until I had more time to figure things out. He met up with his very unstable ex-girlfriend one night last week, and she confronted him about hearing that he had slept with her (ex)best friend, my girlfriend. He told her the truth, and she proceeded to go on a drunken rampage in which she publicly called us out on facebook, and she sent harassing texts to both of us. I was furious for the next few days because he had broken the boundary that I had established, and I thought he agreed to. Just because she asked him if it was true, he was in no way obligated to tell her the truth, and now we've been outed to lots of close friends and acquaintances.
The next day I sent him a series of texts explaining that I was very angry about the situation, and that it was further evidence that he is not willing to respect my boundaries or to consider how his actions affect other people. He again did not apologize, and tried to minimize my feelings by saying that not a lot of people saw and the whole thing would blow over soon.
I talked about all of this with my girlfriend as well, and while she was also angry about everything that happened, she got over it very quickly and began telling me the same minimizing things he did. She basically told me that she can't deal with he and I not getting along, and handling both of her relationships with us as completely separate is the only solution she has right now. This is not ideal because I know that it is hard for her to not be able to talk with me about important parts of her life out of fear that it will upset me. It is also tough for me because we all have been part of a large group of mutual friends for over seven years, and it feels like the two of us not getting along isolates me from everyone.
A few days ago he texted me and asked what he should say if people ask him about what his ex said about us all. I appreciated it a lot because it showed me that he's considering my feelings now. So, I replied and then told him that I'm not as upset about it anymore, I know he's not responsible for what she did with the information, and that I'm sorry I've been kind of aggressive and difficult lately. I also asked him if he had any other things he'd like to discuss, but he hasn't responded. I'm worried now that maybe I've pushed him so far away that we won't ever be able to work out our differences. I do miss how things were when we all got along, and I know my girlfriend wishes we could all be close, but I don't know what to do.
Sorry all of this turned into such a long explanation. I guess there's more to the story that I first realized. I suppose what I'm asking is: what do you guys do when you have differences with your partner's partners that can't seem to be worked out? Have any of you had a situation like this where things are further complicated by your partner's new partner being a close friend? Any advice or insight would really be appreciated.
I'm having a difficult time dealing with my partner's long-distance partner, and I guess I'm looking for advice or insight into how other people handle things when they're not going well.
My situation is particularly difficult for me because my introduction to polyamory kind of started out on the wrong foot. My girlfriend and I have been together for about seven years. Last Christmas, we traveled back home to see family and friends. A longtime, what I considered good friend, had a house party one night. We went to the party together, but I left early because I was coming down with the flu. My girlfriend was at the party early into the morning, and when she came home, she told me that our friend had gotten really drunk, professed his feelings for her, and tried to kiss her. He and his girlfriend had an open relationship, and he told her that he wrongly assumed she and I also had that kind of relationship because of things he had heard. She told him that was not the case, and he apologized to her the next day. When she told me about this, I tried not to get mad about it and chalked it up to people doing stupid things when they're drunk and told her it wasn't a big deal. I thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn't.
A few months later, my girlfriend came to me and told me that she also kind of liked our friend too, and that she thought she might be polyamorous. Our friend had introduced the idea to her, and I guess it resonated with her and how she had felt during ours and her previous relationships. I was pretty hurt at first, but I wanted her to be happy, and I was intrigued some of the freedoms open relationships offered, so I agreed to stay in the relationship and see how it would go.
He and his girlfriend have visited us twice now since then, and I have discovered that each time, I have felt increasingly more annoyed/angry with him. The first time they visited, we just kind of tested the waters. His girlfriend had expressed being attracted to me and been flirtatious before, so I went with it. We went out to a club and had a really fun time, and then the next day my girlfriend ended up making out with him and his girlfriend made out with me. Some sexual stuff happened too, but each of us only had intercourse with our own partner.
After our friends went back home, everything was fine for a long time. My girlfriend was more affectionate to me that usual, we were communicating better than we ever had before, and things were just generally going very well. However, I began to notice that my girlfriend was texting with him more and more, and I could tell that they were becoming closer, which made me have some jealous feelings, but I tried to work through them. She later confided in me that she would be interested in something more sexual happening with him since they were becoming closer. I was nervous at first about what would happen, but I had fun the last time they visited, so I agreed when an opportunity came up for them to come back. This time we all actually did end up swapping partners. The next morning, I was kind of a wreck, but I tried not to let it ruin the rest of everyone's weekend. My friend noticed that I was agitated and looked "sad", and so he backed off for the rest of the time they were in town, which I appreciated.
I began to resent his presence over the following weeks, and the more I thought about things, the more angry I became with him. I realized that I was still mad at him for trying to kiss my girlfriend at his party last year. I thought it and opportunistic since I has gone home ill, and I felt that even if he did have feelings for my girlfriend, that's not how one should go about telling her. Those feelings stewed for awhile and I developed this long list of reasons why he's a bad friend and my girlfriend shouldn't have feelings for him. I realize now a lot of that was jealousy I never dealt with, but I'm still struggling with some of those feelings a few months later, and it's making me pretty unhappy at times. He and I have had conversations about how I feel, but nothing has really come of it. He admitted what he did was selfish and callous, but he never actually apologized to me for it and doesn't feel that he wronged me because I acted like it was no big deal back then and allowed thing to progress since.
I had started to think that maybe I was overreacting, looking for reasons to be mad at him, or holding a grudge. But then last week he did something that made me really angry and brought all of those feelings back and reinforced the negative feelings I had developed about him. When all of this started, it was explicitly stated that I did not want our large pool of mutual friends to know about our open relationship until I had more time to figure things out. He met up with his very unstable ex-girlfriend one night last week, and she confronted him about hearing that he had slept with her (ex)best friend, my girlfriend. He told her the truth, and she proceeded to go on a drunken rampage in which she publicly called us out on facebook, and she sent harassing texts to both of us. I was furious for the next few days because he had broken the boundary that I had established, and I thought he agreed to. Just because she asked him if it was true, he was in no way obligated to tell her the truth, and now we've been outed to lots of close friends and acquaintances.
The next day I sent him a series of texts explaining that I was very angry about the situation, and that it was further evidence that he is not willing to respect my boundaries or to consider how his actions affect other people. He again did not apologize, and tried to minimize my feelings by saying that not a lot of people saw and the whole thing would blow over soon.
I talked about all of this with my girlfriend as well, and while she was also angry about everything that happened, she got over it very quickly and began telling me the same minimizing things he did. She basically told me that she can't deal with he and I not getting along, and handling both of her relationships with us as completely separate is the only solution she has right now. This is not ideal because I know that it is hard for her to not be able to talk with me about important parts of her life out of fear that it will upset me. It is also tough for me because we all have been part of a large group of mutual friends for over seven years, and it feels like the two of us not getting along isolates me from everyone.
A few days ago he texted me and asked what he should say if people ask him about what his ex said about us all. I appreciated it a lot because it showed me that he's considering my feelings now. So, I replied and then told him that I'm not as upset about it anymore, I know he's not responsible for what she did with the information, and that I'm sorry I've been kind of aggressive and difficult lately. I also asked him if he had any other things he'd like to discuss, but he hasn't responded. I'm worried now that maybe I've pushed him so far away that we won't ever be able to work out our differences. I do miss how things were when we all got along, and I know my girlfriend wishes we could all be close, but I don't know what to do.
Sorry all of this turned into such a long explanation. I guess there's more to the story that I first realized. I suppose what I'm asking is: what do you guys do when you have differences with your partner's partners that can't seem to be worked out? Have any of you had a situation like this where things are further complicated by your partner's new partner being a close friend? Any advice or insight would really be appreciated.
