Hi everyone, thanks for the wonderful platform of support.
This post might be a little long. I will edit as much as possible before posting to shorten where I can.
I'm sort of new here. My husband and I discussed opening our relationship a few years ago and I scoured the forums back then for information and made a post or two. Our exploration ended before it really began because I realized I wasn't comfortable opening our relationship due to some major trust issues. He had violated my trust romantically when we were dating and in small insidious ways over the first five years of our marriage. The idea for polyamory was mine, as I wasn't feeling fulfilled in our marriage, spiritually, emotionally or physically. The act of deciding to open put the spotlight on my unresolved trust issues so we stopped looking outside the relationship. My experience with polyamory is nil, but I know enough about human nature and jealousy to realize open relationships should be built on a solid foundation if they're going to work they way they're supposed to.
In October of 2014 I unilaterally decided to separate from my husband. I left town and lived with my mom for a few months. During this time we talked some and saw each other a handful of times. When the idea of dating other people came up we were both so traumatized that the answer seemed (to me at least) an emphatic "NO!"
While I was gone I worked through many of my own issues and felt like I was in a place to be much less co-dependent and more autonomous. My childhood was traumatic and I suffered from neglect, abandonment and emotional and sexual abuse. This often manifests in general anxiety for me, which was often hard to control. I felt like a healthier person upon my return and had shed many of my trust and jealousy issues.
My husband had his own growth experiences of course and part of that included expanding his social life. We are friends with a couple who have a community living situation. Part of that is dinner five nights a week with 10-12 people and everyone takes turns cooking the evening meal. I joined the group when I came back and really enjoyed having a built-in social life. I only go a couple nights per week because that much socializing is too much for my anxiety right now--taking baby steps.
I was making new friends, sometimes having them in my home, opening up a bit about myself, hugging etc. It all felt very positive and healthy. One of the best parts was that I never felt jealous or uncomfortable that he was interacting with other women, the way I would have in the past. I never thought twice about him going without me and enjoyed having the house to myself.
A few weeks in to all of this I accidentally found out that he had slept with one of the women in the group while I was living away. She is in a primary poly relationship with a man who is also in the group. She is also one of the people I had started opening up to, hugging, etc.
As you can imagine, I felt knocked sideways by this. Because we had talked about being poly in the past and we were separated without clear terms about dating or knowledge of if or when we would get back together, I don't *exactly* feel cheated on. However, I do feel betrayed and violated. I had these folks in my house, I was breaking bread with them and hugging them. They had intimate knowledge of my relationship and my husband's choice that I was not privy to. Some of my feelings are difficult to define and feel somewhat nebulous--like a physical discomfort in my chest.
That was the background info. The advice and insight I'm seeking is really on how to come to terms with this. I don't want to stop going to the dinners and I have no animosity toward the couple; they are unwitting participants. However, I do have a palpable discomfort around the woman. And the man too, a little bit. It's weird thinking back on all of our interactions knowing what I know now. The frustrating thing is now I don't know how I would have interacted with her if I was given this information before I met her. Before, these two were part of the fabric of an enjoyable dinner club experience; but, now I am hyper aware of their presence or lack of presence if they don't attend. Since I was put into this situation without my consent, I missed out on the opportunity to decide whether I wanted to interact with my husband's lover (what term do you use?).
My husband and I are working through this. He is putting all of my needs front and center and has offered to stop going to the dinners for awhile so I can go without the additional emotional pressure his presence adds to the situation.
Honestly, I don't really know what I'm asking for from you all. There's a possibility that we will decide to open our relationship again, which is why I on here asking folks that have been through it. But your experiences and stories that may relate to my situation would be nice. Like a Namaste. Please feel free to ask questions if anything needs clarification.
This post might be a little long. I will edit as much as possible before posting to shorten where I can.
I'm sort of new here. My husband and I discussed opening our relationship a few years ago and I scoured the forums back then for information and made a post or two. Our exploration ended before it really began because I realized I wasn't comfortable opening our relationship due to some major trust issues. He had violated my trust romantically when we were dating and in small insidious ways over the first five years of our marriage. The idea for polyamory was mine, as I wasn't feeling fulfilled in our marriage, spiritually, emotionally or physically. The act of deciding to open put the spotlight on my unresolved trust issues so we stopped looking outside the relationship. My experience with polyamory is nil, but I know enough about human nature and jealousy to realize open relationships should be built on a solid foundation if they're going to work they way they're supposed to.
In October of 2014 I unilaterally decided to separate from my husband. I left town and lived with my mom for a few months. During this time we talked some and saw each other a handful of times. When the idea of dating other people came up we were both so traumatized that the answer seemed (to me at least) an emphatic "NO!"
While I was gone I worked through many of my own issues and felt like I was in a place to be much less co-dependent and more autonomous. My childhood was traumatic and I suffered from neglect, abandonment and emotional and sexual abuse. This often manifests in general anxiety for me, which was often hard to control. I felt like a healthier person upon my return and had shed many of my trust and jealousy issues.
My husband had his own growth experiences of course and part of that included expanding his social life. We are friends with a couple who have a community living situation. Part of that is dinner five nights a week with 10-12 people and everyone takes turns cooking the evening meal. I joined the group when I came back and really enjoyed having a built-in social life. I only go a couple nights per week because that much socializing is too much for my anxiety right now--taking baby steps.
I was making new friends, sometimes having them in my home, opening up a bit about myself, hugging etc. It all felt very positive and healthy. One of the best parts was that I never felt jealous or uncomfortable that he was interacting with other women, the way I would have in the past. I never thought twice about him going without me and enjoyed having the house to myself.
A few weeks in to all of this I accidentally found out that he had slept with one of the women in the group while I was living away. She is in a primary poly relationship with a man who is also in the group. She is also one of the people I had started opening up to, hugging, etc.
As you can imagine, I felt knocked sideways by this. Because we had talked about being poly in the past and we were separated without clear terms about dating or knowledge of if or when we would get back together, I don't *exactly* feel cheated on. However, I do feel betrayed and violated. I had these folks in my house, I was breaking bread with them and hugging them. They had intimate knowledge of my relationship and my husband's choice that I was not privy to. Some of my feelings are difficult to define and feel somewhat nebulous--like a physical discomfort in my chest.
That was the background info. The advice and insight I'm seeking is really on how to come to terms with this. I don't want to stop going to the dinners and I have no animosity toward the couple; they are unwitting participants. However, I do have a palpable discomfort around the woman. And the man too, a little bit. It's weird thinking back on all of our interactions knowing what I know now. The frustrating thing is now I don't know how I would have interacted with her if I was given this information before I met her. Before, these two were part of the fabric of an enjoyable dinner club experience; but, now I am hyper aware of their presence or lack of presence if they don't attend. Since I was put into this situation without my consent, I missed out on the opportunity to decide whether I wanted to interact with my husband's lover (what term do you use?).
My husband and I are working through this. He is putting all of my needs front and center and has offered to stop going to the dinners for awhile so I can go without the additional emotional pressure his presence adds to the situation.
Honestly, I don't really know what I'm asking for from you all. There's a possibility that we will decide to open our relationship again, which is why I on here asking folks that have been through it. But your experiences and stories that may relate to my situation would be nice. Like a Namaste. Please feel free to ask questions if anything needs clarification.
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