Discomfort seeing my metamour and partner together

B

BeingRose

New member
Hi - This is my first post besides my intro!

I've been in and around the poly community for probably a decade or so, but never really dated in a poly way until maybe a couple of years ago. I was in an LDR for a couple of years where I was the only one seeing anyone else. Now I'm in what I'd consider my first "real" poly relationship, and have been for about 8 months. My partner, let's call him "Mike", has another significant girlfriend that he met around the same time as he met me, so he's been developing two new significant relationships at the same time, something I've been wary about from the beginning.

I'm very aware of and have been very clear with Mike that I want a primary partnership and want to build a future with my partner, which means being on each other's legal paperwork (I'm not necessarily interested in legal marriage), sharing space together, and potentially eventually buying property together. Mike is also interested in this, and we consider ourselves to be working towards this type of partnership.


I met my metamour early on, and for awhile was actively trying to develop a friendship with her. We would go out together for drinks every once in awhile without Mike, we'd text occasionally about random stuff, that kind of thing. When we were together just the two of us, it was fine. I wouldn't necessarily have chosen her as a friend, because we're really very different, but we got along perfectly well.

The problem is that when I see my metamour and Mike be affectionate together, I get totally triggered. We've tried to get together all three of us a few times for something simple (hanging out at his house, and twice we went to the movies together), and each time, I just froze up when I saw them being physically close (holding hands, cuddling in the seats watching the movie, etc). I got really insecure and shut down, and my body just stiffened up. I was totally flooded each time. I don't seem to be able to control this, so I've stopped going out with them.

And I feel embarrassed, so I've stopped communicating with my metamour.

I know that I don't *have* to spend time with them together, but Mike is really social and there are a lot of parties, etc. It's not really possible or healthy for him to worry about inviting us both somewhere. One time he invited us both to a party, but she ended up not wanting to go because she didn't feel well (at least that was the reason I was given). He and his lovers are also way into the play party scene, and though I'd like to be able to participate, neither one of us expects me to at this point, because if I can't even see the two of them holding hands, how could I see Mike having sex with other women?

Any advice about how to get comfortable seeing them be physically close?

Thanks in advance!

-Rose
 
I personally think it's perfectly okay to create boundaries around this if needed. My ex-boyfriend didn't want to see me kiss my husband, and when he mentioned it, it was an easy thing for us to shift out of sight.

My husband has no issues at all with shared time, and my boyfriend says he is fine, but I generally don't push. We have a "no dingus" rule, as neither of them want to be in a situation where they see each other's junk. Neither of them are interested in attending play parties, so I don't need a boundary set up there. I do think I would have some insecurity if I saw them being intimate with another woman, so I know if that were to come up, I would be asking for that to remain private too.

So yeah, I think it is perfectly fine if you struggle with seeing him being physically affectionate with his other girlfriend. I would just ask to be able to avoid those situations, and maybe with some time, you can resume your friendly relations with your metamour.
 
Djinn has the same problem, and to a lesser degree so do I.

Hugs seem ok, and I don't mind seeing the sweet hello/goodbye kiss that is more of a peck, but she doesn't really like seeing Mal and I kiss that way. Not sure how I feel about holding hands, it isn't something I saw them do before our relationship started, and I still don't see it, and I probably wouldn't initiate holding his hand if she was there. But I definitely don't want to see anything you could consider foreplay.

I know we can all cuddle on the couch, but it usually is best if she is in the middle (we used to do that before Mal and I were in a relationship anyway, because Djinn and I have been friends since we were teenagers). But we've cuddled a few times with him in the middle and it has been nice.

I think it is important to know your comfort levels, but to also not prejudge them. Things she thought would be fine aren't (yet?), and same for me. And vice versa, some things I thought would bother me don't at all!
 
Hi Rose,

If you are wanting to know how to get comfortable seeing them be physically close, the only way I can really think of is, practice. Start by only seeing them do very infrequent and slight things, such as a quick hand squeeze or a peck on the cheek; go slow until you feel comfortable with that, and then try for more.

To do this, you'll obviously have to have a discussion with them about it, to see if they're willing to play along. Yes, you'll have to discuss the elephant in the room. I don't see any way around it.

If I can think of other ideas later, I'll let you know.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I've experienced this. It doesn't matter to me if my partner is affectionate with a metamour, but if they can't handle the same for me, well, okay. But it would mean they get less time with him.

You're already seeing the consequences of not being able to see your partner affectionate with others (not being able to go to certain parties, for example).

Is there anyway you think you could get past this? This could put a very real strain on your and his relationship.
 
Hi BeingRose,

I am interested in your thread and can definitely relate to your struggles. I hope I can offer something helpful.

As others have said, if you struggle to see Mike and your metamour together, simply continuing to avoid those situations is a genuinely viable option. Being poly does not have to mean spending time in extended family unit type scenarios. Being poly does not mean you must be 100% comfortable with everything.

However, you are here because you are wondering if perhaps you could find a way to tackle this. You feel that doing so might make life easier all round, and might help you personally in terms of growth.

I will offer my experiences first, in the hope that something resonates. For me, seeing any of my partners with another partner is painful. I accept that this is my current status. However, I have found that it is easing somewhat with exposure. The first time I saw my partner with her submissive, I experienced severe anxiety. It was, in truth, utterly horrible for me. Like you, my body was completely tensed-up. My GF later kindly informed me that I looked constipated the whole time, which was just lovely...:rolleyes: I didn't want to repeat the experience, but I tried again. I've now probably seen them together about 15 times. The first time, I couldn't even stand to see my GF laughing at his jokes - now I can watch them hug and kiss goodnight with reasonable comfort. The more we are exposed to something, the more mundane it becomes. Also, the more we drag our demons out of the closet, the more in-control we feel over our own fate.

This being said, I don't like to go overboard on the flooding therapy. Each time I spend an evening with my partner and metamour, I have to mentally prepare. I need time to process, and I need at least a week until I'm ready to do it again. If I see it too often, it's overwhelming.

I would offer the same advice to you - see if you can take your fear demon by the hair and drag him out into view. Tackle him head-on. Perhaps commit yourself to being with Mike and metamour 10 times, and see if you feel any easier by the end of it.

Speaking of demons, this is another technique I've actually found useful: I have a name for my insecurity. I kid you not - I call him Bob! Doing this enables me to separate myself (or who I strive to be) from the pointless insecurities that often plague me. This way, when the same old things spike me repeatedly and when knowing the root cause of the insecurity males no difference, I'm able to feel the spike without panicking that I'm injured. It helps me to say "Ouch. Oh, it's just Bob."

Another thing that can help is to actively promote Mike and metamour's togetherness - whether that be giving them 5 minutes alone to say goodnight, encouraging them to sit together, encouraging their relationship, etc. Acts of complete altruism do not exist, but being selfless and brave leads to great things like vicarious joy. Try getting that feel-good factor from offering good feelings to both of them?

I understand why you have withdrawn from your metamour. If you don't desire a friendship, there's probably an apathy there that leaves you unmotivated to reconnect. However, if it's primarily pride and embarrassment, it could be great for you if you could dig deep and consider sharing your feelings with metamour. It took me a very long time to do this, but being honest has helped me to maintain a good friendship with my metamour because he now understands when I go quiet on him due to processing. It may help you.

Finally, I wonder if you are subconsciously fearing that if you become comfortable with (or outoutwardly accepting of) seeing affection, that you will be thrown into the lion pit of seeing sex happen. Sometimes we can fear that if we show some kind of approval for certain things, everything will speed ahead and we won't be ready for it.

In the end, though, there's nothing wrong with practising a more compartmentalised style of poly if this proves to serve you and your chosen partner/site well. There will be pros and cons to all poly relationship formats.You could give this a try for a while and see where you are at by the end of it?
 
Thanks everybody! Especially Sparklepop - it REALLY helped me to hear about your experience.

In this situation, I don't think compartmentalization is going to work. Our community is WAY too social, and Mike and his roommates hold parties...it's not fair or healthy for there to be tension in the room when I'm around him and his other lovers.

I do think the only way is to do exposure. I also had the idea of, when the feelings come, of telling them both what's happening and asking for support, a hug, reassurance, etc. But it's SO hard in the moment, when I'm feeling that way, to relax and open my heart!

I agree that I could do a better job of preparing beforehand for a situation where I'm with them. In the past, I've let myself get disturbed and agitated before even getting to the meeting spot. I could meditate, do breathing exercises, and set an intention of being present with love and kindness before I go into the situation.

I think the underlying issue is that I feel insecure about my relationship with Mike, and have felt resentment in the past about his relationship with my metamour (mainly because of time imbalances). He and I are now working on the imbalances, which I think will help me feel more secure and prioritized in the relationship.

I also don't have any other lovers at the moment, so I'm working on that as well. I think there's been resentment on my part that I don't have someone else and he does.

I really appreciate your insight!
 
Discomfort seeing me fellating one of my guys

My husband is the one who suggested I have oral sex with other guys, but he's always left the house to leave me alone with them, I think for their comfort and mine. But we decided to make a video, and self-videos of sex are always bad, so he had to be present. Interestingly my lover was perfectly comfortable, and I felt liberated and the video, everyone involved says, is one of the most erotic ever. I come loudly while he's fucking my mouth.

I think the difference is that my husband (also my master) is confident that sex is just flesh, and we have a primary bond.

I'm sympathetic to you, though, as you are trying to build a permanent relationship, and it doesn't feel like he is as into that as you.

My suggestion would be to find your own lover. It wouldn't necessarily change your feelings, but you could feel more equal in your relationship with your primary. And if the four of you did things together, you wouldn't feel excluded.

I know this isn't what you asked for, but I hope it's something to consider.
 
From a scientific perspective, the only way to overcome a fear/insecurity is to face it down until it becomes normalized.

The discomfort will decrease with increased experience.

Which is true of just about anything "new" we encounter in life actually.
 
Hi Rose,

I'm very glad to hear that you found my response, and other posters' responses, helpful!

I think that you're being sensible admitting to yourself that compartmentalised poly isn't going to cut it in your current situation!

You absolutely could ask Mike and your metamour if they would be willing to help you by offering verbal or physical comfort when you are struggling. It will take time to relax, but I have faith that you will get there over time.

Breathing exercises are a fantastic idea, as is heading into these situations with an aim of sharing love and kindness. I will practice this also. :)

I'm so glad to hear that you have identified what sounds like a rational cause for your insecurities - time imbalances. I'm even more pleased to hear that Mike is working with you to address these issues.

Finally, yep! It's usually easier when we have another certain someone to focus on too!

The only thing I'd advise is that you remain focused on your own self-growth so that finding another partner and having more time with Mike don't become unintentional band-aids. You sound like you've got your head screwed on, so I'm sure you want to avoid this anyway!

Let us know how you get on?
 
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