Disconnected after feeling forced to be mono

[LilFloofiBean]

I'm gonna start this off with the fact my BF did accept me being open/poly before, and throughout our relationship, till randomly not. In all my relationships, I make sure any partner that seems to be mono understands that I will not change this part of me. I've attempted mono multiple times in the past. It's just not me.

[My other partner is K.]

My bf and I have been dating for almost 3 months now. Everything was so great, no big issues or anything, just a nice start to a relationship. We had a mutual friend, K, that we are both close to, who my bf would team up with to flirt with me, during calls or games.

This led to feelings being gained. I discussed it slightly with my bf at the time, about the feelings beginning, because I wanted to make sure we were on common ground. But at the time I didn't push into those feelings. I waited a bit due to K having personal life stuff happening. Once everything settled, the team flirting and joking started again, which sparked the feelings up. So I re-discussed and made sure over 6 times that it was okay with current bf to date K. Bf gave me multiple green flags to do so, before and after I started to date K, so we tested the waters. Everything was going good, it seemed, for the first 2-3 days, with no issues or uncomfortable feelings between anyone, even the night and part of the morning before the situation happened.

Bf randomly started saying he changed his mind, which I understood could happen. But he didn't even sit down and discuss a plan forward. It was him or K, basically.

This was also my birthday. So after slightly upsetting me with this, and not communicating, he tried to bury it, like it was a normal day, which didn't go well with me because I don't do well in situations with basically zero communication. He bluntly made the choice to break me and K up, without us having a choice. He told me if I wanted poly, maybe we wouldn't work out.

I have a hard time dealing with conflict. So I shut down and let it happen, even if it hurt like hell to be forced to do that.

Now I'm a bit more stable-minded, but still hurting, because he seemed to support me before and during the relationship, but once I actually did something, it was wrong to do, even when he gave the green flags to do so. This is the second time he trial-ran my feelings, got me attached to someone, then attempt to pull it away. [He was the first one, K was the second.]

He also, after the situation, has been overly lovely.

I feel so disconnected and slightly disgusted about the way everything happened. But I have a hard time leaving people due to my attachment issues. I'm stuck feeling hopeless and trapped. I've even noticed red flags that I most likely ignored in the beginning.

I have had bad poly situations, but this is actually a new one, and I don't know how to process it, or what path to take now. But I think he broke my heart twice, by forcing me to break up with K, and causing my feelings towards him to snap after this behavior.

Small things I didn't know where to fit in there: Bf was fine with me flirting[NSFW], ERP, posting NSFW on a public server and even having a OF, but I was not allowed to post the same NSFW to another partner.

He ignores how upset I've been, crying, or trying to speak about serious topics. He tends to just kinda laugh, than go back to what he's doing.

During the talk about how I was feeling after the situation he suggested I use drinking to cope. [I have a few health issues that alcohol can trigger, plus the known fact of that's just wrong to say to anyone in a bad situation]

Sorry. It's a lot. I just wanted to not leave too many gaps, so I tried to add as much info as I could.

I just really need advice.

 

[Sunshine79]

I hope you are in a headspace to hear this. 3 months is still a very very new relationship. Your big feelings are derived mostly from that dopamine monster we love, called NRE. Very little makes sense rationally when we are steeped in NRE - feelings are amplified on all sides (both the positive and the negative feelings).

I'm not saying a person cannot fall in love in just 3 short months. I have actually done it multiple times, haha, and currently am still living 19 years later with one of those love-at-first-sight relationships, and tangentially enjoying another that has been around now for 3 years.

That said, I'm not sure you can make any clear-headed major decisions at the 3-month mark. So my best advice is to take your feelings at face value and communicate the hell out of them. Understand fully that this might blow shit right up. Your feelings also might change, from day to day, or as time goes by.

If bf is mature and committed to trying, he'll meet you wherever you are at and you kind of just take it a day at a time. If he's absolutely adamantly NOT here for anything other than a mono relationship with you, YOU get to make a decision whether you stay or not. You also get to take it a day at a time.

The bad news is, it won't be easy and it won't feel good if you don't ultimately get exactly what you think you want right now. The good news is, you will survive, possibly thrive, and eventually enjoy what you want with someone who is on the same page as you.

BUT - communicate everything. Over-communicate if you need to. Honesty and openness nearly always end up being the solution. Might as well get to the point.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened. I hope you feel better for the vent.

I have a hard time leaving people, due to my attachment issues, I'm stuck feeling hopeless and trapped. I've even noticed red flags that I most likely ignored in the beginning.

That sounds like the core issue then. Until you learn to spot red flags and break up sooner/faster, you may keep repeating this pattern.

It's been twice now that BF has led you to believe he's okay with it, then he's not, and then he wants you to dump the other person.

Since this is hurting ANYWAY, I think you could dump this BF and be single for a while. Consider working with a counselor on the attachment issues and fear of breaking up, so you can poly date without these issues. You might also decide to stop dating mono people, even if they say they are okay with you being poly.

He ignores how upset I've been, crying or trying to speak about serious topics. [He tends to just kinda laugh, than go back to what he's doing.] During the talk about how I was feeling after the situation, he suggested i use drinking to cope [I have a few health issues that alcohol can trigger, plus the known fact of that's just wrong to say to anyone in a bad situation.]

None of that is kind or loving behavior. This is behaving really MEAN toward you. I do not think this BF is good for your health and well-being. So even if he makes big promises to change and do better, you can say "Okay, change and do better so your NEXT relationship goes better. I'm done. There is no more relationship with me."

I think you could leave and get out of there. He's broken your heart twice. The only way not to have him break it a third time FOR SURE is to be done and leave.

You are hurting anyway. So you may as well finish the job and break up with him and cut your losses. Then invest your time and energy in healing yourself, not just from the break up, but talk to a counselor about your other personal stuff so you can really and truly be well. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

In all my relationships, I make sure any partner that seems to be mono understands that I will not change this part of me.

That's a good start.

I discussed it slightly with my bf at the time, about the feelings beginning, because I wanted to make sure we were on common ground.

So I re-discussed and made sure over 6 times that it was okay with current bf to date K.

It actually seems you aren't as adamant that you are poly. This is very wishy-washy. I can understand you telling him you are going to start things up with K, but you essentially asked him again and again if that was okay. This is monogamous programming running your life. The minute you asked permission, you gave him the power to say no. You gave him the power to decide on your life and actions and gave away your autonomy. You also let him know that the words you said in the beginning were not true, because if they were, you would have just done it.

If you are truly poly, you need to do some work to unlearn monogamous programming, learn how to effectively set and enforce boundaries, and learn how to establish and maintain autonomy in relationships. These skills are more strongly needed if you plan to date monogamous partners, because they bring all that monogamous programming with them.

Bf randomly started saying he changed his mind, which I understood could happen. But he didn't even sit down and discuss a plan forward. It was him or K, basically.

It was only 3 days, so not so random. It was new to him and he didn't like it. Being poly, dating him for only 3 months, and having only 3 days with a new person should have told you that he doesn't accept what you said in point 1 above. Instead of enforcing point 1 above, you let him break up with K for you? I'm not sure even how that happens. It makes no sense to me.

He bluntly made the choice to break me and K up, without us having a choice.

How does a person choose to break up 2 other people without them having a choice? Unless you are minors and your parents insist, I cannot see this happening. You and K can choose to keep dating and kick the boyfriend to the curb. It is YOUR CHOICE to be with who you want and end relationships when they don't work for you. Your boyfriend is controlling. This could lead to abuse. I would get out of that as fast as you can. DO NOT LET HIM DECIDE WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE.

He also, after the situation, has been overly lovely.

This is how abusers work. They abuse and control you, then follow it with love-bombing, gifts and lots of attention. See it as the BIG RAGING RED FLAG that it is and end it.

But I have a hard time leaving people due to my attachment issues. I'm stuck feeling hopeless and trapped.

You need to get therapy for this or you will be destined for a life of unhappiness, trauma and abuse. Having this mentality can also lead to suicide because you feel like there's no other way out of bad situations. There is a way out, but you need to learn the skills to be able to use them. It's possible you didn't learn them because of how you were raised. Please get therapy and work through this stuff so you can be successful in life.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello LilFloofiBean,

Three months isn't a long time to be dating. It's not too late to pull out of this relationship now that you've seen some of the red flags. If he's going to force you to be mono, and you know monogamy is not for you, then he's a poor match for you (to say nothing of his double standards for you, and his nonchalant reactions to your distress). I know it is not easy to pull out of a bad relationship, but please try to do it anyway.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[LilFloofiBean]

heres an Update.

I pondered the best way to discuss it, but it happened randomly instead, because i could do it anymore. i didn't recognize him anymore. it hurt a lot, but we did discuss the past few days and what he said and did. We ended breaking up. Even though i don't feel the same, it still hurts me to lose bonds with others. But i'm coping.

 

[GalaGirl]

While I'm sorry this ended in a break-up, and you now have that grief to get through, I think ending it was the healthiest choice, in this case. You two want different things. You were not compatible.

Wishing you peace and healing over time.

GG

 

[Bobbi]

This was a learning and growth experience for you. I'm sorry it had to end, but I'm glad that you are getting to add to your experience of breaking up, healing and moving forward. It's important to learn you can do it, and it will get better. I wish you well.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi LilFloofiBean,

I know that breaking up is so, so hard. I am proud of you for doing it. You will feel pain for a while, but eventually you'll emerge on the other side of this with your freedom and dignity intact.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.