Disentangling "non-monogamy as inherent inclination" from "unmet needs"

[WhatHappened]

...while sex CAN be a shortcut to generalised intimacy, it can also stunt or replace or even short-circuit the chances for significant intimacy by other routes (intellectual, emotional, sensual).

There is great wisdom here. XBF talked about how once you sleep with someone, you can talk to them about anything. I think it can lead to the opposite, and I also would worry about someone who can't open up without first having sex. It seems to me this is a bit the same as needing a drink or to get high, before you can be yourself with someone.

I like Ramey's Intimate Friendships for taking into account the more-than-sex connections in an intimate network. Worth reading, if you can locate a copy.

There's at least one used copy left on amazon for a penny. I just bought the other. Thanks for the recommendation. I'm very interested to read it.

 

[Magdlyn]

You talk a lot about 'unmet needs.'

I personally think the word 'needs' is way over-used these days. We 'need' food, water, air, social interaction. We need shelter, clothing, a purpose in life, hope, things to look forward to.

Variety in sexual partners, new sex positions, or bigger orgasms are not needs, but desires. They may be very strong desires, but they are still that, not needs.

Are you willing to hurt your husband and possibly end your marriage to get not what you 'need' but what you want?

WhatHappened, I believe you are monogamous. No interest in polyamory at all. While you are entitled to your opinion, of course, I wanted to be sure of that fact. Your words often sound so dismissive of the reasons people decide to practice polyamory.

By the way, you mention humans needing social interaction (although some people choose to go without and lead hermit lifestyles). Sexual communion is a part of social interaction for most adults. It is healthy. People with active sexual lives are healthier than those that are unable to have sex. It is good exercise, it is relaxing, it releases pleasurable endorphins and reduces stress. If someone ain't gettin any, or enough, someone has every right go to out and get some, if done ethically, of course. Masturbation just isn't as good as doing it with another.

My so-called "desires" for variety in partners, variety in sexual acts, and lots and lots of strong orgasms are well worth ending a marriage over. In fact, it was one of the reasons I divorced. And I was getting great sex from my ex husband. I still desired different partners with different attitudes towards life and relationships. I was slowly suffocating. I was hurting, I felt like life was grey and nightmarish with him... Counseling just served to highlight the reasons why we both needed to move on.

So yeah, it was worth "hurting" my ex and ending my marriage. Hell, we were both hurting already. Better to end it and heal from the hurt of being married to the wrong person, and both partners go on to find better more fulfilling lives. Longevity is not the measure of a successful relationship if both partners aren't able to live authentic lives.

 

[WhatHappened]

I see a delightful irony in you dismissing me as dismissive.

With the right person, I could absolutely be polyamorous. With someone else, I might choose monogamy. It would depend on the person I'm with.

But my point was to differentiate between desires and needs. And you yourself used the word desires...you desire to be with other people. This was exactly my point. The OP should use words carefully--should acknowledge it's a desire, in which case she is better able to decide consciously whether it is worth it to her to risk her marriage. It may well be. That was not my point.

 

[dingedheart]

It might not hurt as bad you think. I mean who wants to be with some caught in a grey hellish nightmare. It might be sad to hear that and also sad you weren't really aware of the depths of said nightmare but once it's out in the open choices can be made.

 

[1234567]

I want to quickly address poly as a choice or orientation: a need or a desire:

It's not an either/or, in my experience.

Some people I know absolutely cannot be poly- or be mono- and be happy.

A. Monogamy is a clear orientation for some. No amount of self-control,
Or self-work, or understanding, can make them happy with open relationships.

B. Polyamory is a clear orientation for some. No amount of self-work, self control, or understanding can make them satisfied with one partner and Mir want to look elsewhere.

C. Some of us are bi-modal. I am. I can do mono, and be satisfied. I can do poly, and be satisfied.

D. Some people are neither. They can't be happy mono, because committing to one stifles them. They also can't be happy poly.

E. Some are poly-supportive. They don't want multiple partners, but can happily support you if you are in a relationship with them and do.

And More.

Just like some people are gay, straight, bosexual, asexual, graysexual, etc.

It may be a need. It may be a choice. As a C person, it is a choice for me.

I can date A,B,C, and E people. I can't do the tension of d, nor be poly when someone is mono or mono when someone is poly. I know mixed couples who can- different orientations are not a deal breaker. And I can only date someone mono if I don't have an anchoring poly relationship. (One we intend to continue)

Where are you? Where is your husband? If enough of your your needs were met within the marriage, would you be okay being mono in behavior? If he is given the opportunity to meet your needs, and doesn't want to, or can't, is he Kay being poly?

Orientations can change. This is not static. But willingness to be open to a mode of life is a prerequisite, and may not be present.

I strongly think you should finish with your husband first before opening up. Give him an oportunity to meet your needs- and you to do any adjusting you need to meet his. Give him an opportunity to meet his own needs - and you yours. See if this marriage is with keeping, and, as a desperate question, if it is, can you and he either meet key needs or agree to have them met elsewhere.

You may want to look into swinging rather than poly, possibly.

 

[1234567]

Also, what reassurance does he want and need if you were to open for you, besides that it's not because of unmet needs on your part, and he can't change? (That is valid reassurance.)

Does he need to know he is still enough as a main partner? Does he know his worth to you, and you're not going to throw him away in a pique of NRE? Does he need to know you'll keep agreements? (Seems to me you have the self-discipline to.)

These HAVE to be established first.