tallbosguy
Member
Hey everyone,
I hope everyone is okay. Thanks to all of you, I am still working on my jealousy. What used to be a 9 or a 10 has come down to 4 or 5s, and I have begun developing routines and practices to get better, and a fairly set schedule to see my partner kept me sane. What I found now is something that seems to plague mono, poly, and other relationships at times - routine. Life has been particularly brutal, with a family member being ill, a coworker passing from COVID (so I am inheriting their duties), and the new omicron strain coming up. As you may recall, I work in healthcare/disaster prep - so we are locking and loading again.
I'll keep this short to explain where I am.
As part of working on jealousy I uncovered an issue with my partner, which you might remember is named K. We are amazing together in person, and now with a closer post-move distance there is a better chance of seeing each other and we were routinely visiting. We had to pause for about 2 months while her homelife and worries of her husband were settled, which absolutely sucked and pushed me to the point of almost walking. His job meant he was away for a long while and with me being there with her so often, he needed more time together as his needs weren't being addressed. Her and my relationship was also intruding on responsibilities/their time together to the point it was hurting them all. While it hurt, I agreed that the priority was to fix their issues and get life stable - so all could be happy. I used the time to go on a few dates myself which she knew about (unfortunately nobody really piqued my interest) and was happy for me to. They did some great heavy work themselves as well, and we all emerged with valid mistakes to learn from.
Anyways....
Afterwards we had a heart to heart and I realized that she fought for me and worked with her husband despite setting up a date with someone else during all this. Before the argument it was supposed to be me visiting K on a trip, but I understood that the issues between her, him, and me as the meta precluded me from visiting her on it and that this random date was a fun thing. She was also very sweet and reassuring about seeing each other after this was fixed. I called a poly friend during K's date who helped affirm I didn't feel as bad about it, I just really missed K and this particular situation was making me sensitive. Now her and her husband are taking another trip and she is thinking of going on another date. Again, like before, scheduling to see me doesn't really work, so I grabbed my pen and sat down to keep fighting this much-less-intense jealousy monster.
I should add her husband has since had his needs met, their priorities cleared, and is seemingly quite supportive of me again. (Him and I have also met, and got along really well, ironically the source of his worry as we're pretty much the same, just I am younger). But the one evening she has to escape the family just doesn't work and is the only reason she claims. It bummed me out, but the universe isn't perfect.
So as I was reflecting and working on continuing to be accepting of these other folks, I realized that a big part of it was what I felt were indeed these unmet needs - especially as we have not been able to see each other and our time apart since last visit(October) was super stressful. My poly friend agreed with me on the needs. I wasn't feeling sexually connected to K, as we used to connect over the phone that way if we couldn't in person. In fact, K mentioned at times we felt like good friends more than bf/gf, especially over the past weeks following resolution of their issues. I agreed, and reiterated that before we flirted over text often and I brought up that I needed it, and it was not happening as often. I told K I felt marginalized though understanding of the temporary stepping back to allow them to fix the issues of life at home (moving, career changes, etc) and was looking forward to reconnecting. I also felt that priority should have been given to me over other people to help us in reconnecting, but I told her I understood the scheduling and that one evening, while amazing, is not enough. We usually spend several days together and bond deeply through doing things together and are planning that out. She talked with her husband about our frustrations on this sexual connection both in person and over the phone, as he inquired about me in a good way, and he agreed with me and explained things to her from his view.
So now things are recovering but still a bit tense from this unexpected situation with my meta and her. After having an open discussion with K today I have been thinking of ways to reignite over the distance. In my positive column is that these other dates are less bothersome to me, and my jealousy isn't over worries of loss, etc, anymore as I know she wants to see me and we have stuck by each other through potential illness, others, and even when a meta is upset. My feelings seem to be over the fact that I want to be happy and exciting for her again. I popped open google, but most of the long-distance tips to reignite a flame is "visit more" which we are planning but can't do at the moment, or stuff we have done but is hard to do when one is taking care of a family.
My TL;DR, what I have done, and questions.
TLDR:
The questions
I hope everyone is okay. Thanks to all of you, I am still working on my jealousy. What used to be a 9 or a 10 has come down to 4 or 5s, and I have begun developing routines and practices to get better, and a fairly set schedule to see my partner kept me sane. What I found now is something that seems to plague mono, poly, and other relationships at times - routine. Life has been particularly brutal, with a family member being ill, a coworker passing from COVID (so I am inheriting their duties), and the new omicron strain coming up. As you may recall, I work in healthcare/disaster prep - so we are locking and loading again.
I'll keep this short to explain where I am.
As part of working on jealousy I uncovered an issue with my partner, which you might remember is named K. We are amazing together in person, and now with a closer post-move distance there is a better chance of seeing each other and we were routinely visiting. We had to pause for about 2 months while her homelife and worries of her husband were settled, which absolutely sucked and pushed me to the point of almost walking. His job meant he was away for a long while and with me being there with her so often, he needed more time together as his needs weren't being addressed. Her and my relationship was also intruding on responsibilities/their time together to the point it was hurting them all. While it hurt, I agreed that the priority was to fix their issues and get life stable - so all could be happy. I used the time to go on a few dates myself which she knew about (unfortunately nobody really piqued my interest) and was happy for me to. They did some great heavy work themselves as well, and we all emerged with valid mistakes to learn from.
Anyways....
Afterwards we had a heart to heart and I realized that she fought for me and worked with her husband despite setting up a date with someone else during all this. Before the argument it was supposed to be me visiting K on a trip, but I understood that the issues between her, him, and me as the meta precluded me from visiting her on it and that this random date was a fun thing. She was also very sweet and reassuring about seeing each other after this was fixed. I called a poly friend during K's date who helped affirm I didn't feel as bad about it, I just really missed K and this particular situation was making me sensitive. Now her and her husband are taking another trip and she is thinking of going on another date. Again, like before, scheduling to see me doesn't really work, so I grabbed my pen and sat down to keep fighting this much-less-intense jealousy monster.
I should add her husband has since had his needs met, their priorities cleared, and is seemingly quite supportive of me again. (Him and I have also met, and got along really well, ironically the source of his worry as we're pretty much the same, just I am younger). But the one evening she has to escape the family just doesn't work and is the only reason she claims. It bummed me out, but the universe isn't perfect.
So as I was reflecting and working on continuing to be accepting of these other folks, I realized that a big part of it was what I felt were indeed these unmet needs - especially as we have not been able to see each other and our time apart since last visit(October) was super stressful. My poly friend agreed with me on the needs. I wasn't feeling sexually connected to K, as we used to connect over the phone that way if we couldn't in person. In fact, K mentioned at times we felt like good friends more than bf/gf, especially over the past weeks following resolution of their issues. I agreed, and reiterated that before we flirted over text often and I brought up that I needed it, and it was not happening as often. I told K I felt marginalized though understanding of the temporary stepping back to allow them to fix the issues of life at home (moving, career changes, etc) and was looking forward to reconnecting. I also felt that priority should have been given to me over other people to help us in reconnecting, but I told her I understood the scheduling and that one evening, while amazing, is not enough. We usually spend several days together and bond deeply through doing things together and are planning that out. She talked with her husband about our frustrations on this sexual connection both in person and over the phone, as he inquired about me in a good way, and he agreed with me and explained things to her from his view.
So now things are recovering but still a bit tense from this unexpected situation with my meta and her. After having an open discussion with K today I have been thinking of ways to reignite over the distance. In my positive column is that these other dates are less bothersome to me, and my jealousy isn't over worries of loss, etc, anymore as I know she wants to see me and we have stuck by each other through potential illness, others, and even when a meta is upset. My feelings seem to be over the fact that I want to be happy and exciting for her again. I popped open google, but most of the long-distance tips to reignite a flame is "visit more" which we are planning but can't do at the moment, or stuff we have done but is hard to do when one is taking care of a family.
My TL;DR, what I have done, and questions.
TLDR:
- My gf K and her husband had an argument over her and my relationship impacting responsibilities in life, which means it has been a bit since we have seen each other and is leaving me feeling in need of connection. They fixed it, we persevered and while our commitment is clear it has left a bit of residual damage including collapsed sexual and physical connection.
- She had drinks with a random person and may again, including doing more with them, but we can't get together due to scheduling issues. This leaves me feeling with unsatisfied sexual needs and jealous of time. This does not have a "complete" fix I know, as there is only so much time in the day and we can't freeze time to sneak in to see each other before she goes back to her family.
- When talking about us, we both felt that we slide towards friends in a sense and both want to move to back towards hot/heavy bf/gf like we were a month or two ago.
- I've said that we should chat less about mundane things, being present every hour in each others can kill a vibe and intrudes on productivity. I get that when she is left alone with her family as he travels I am an easy distraction, but we should not be codependent.
- I have tried to be aware of her and my negativity. The argument between them was unique, as it impacted all of us and we needed to address it while also stepping back our daily chats overall while they worked things out. With the other negative things in my life I have been open to her about them, but have worked on being aware of not being negative all the time so as to not drain us.
- I have been respectful of their need for time together, and have only brought up sexual things when I feel her stress and schedule is okay to suggest it. I let her decide from there.
- I asked my poly friend for her poly therapist contact, the big stresses outside of relationship need to be addressed as well as I want the therapists advice on LDR poly relationships.
- I communicated the need to find a way to fix the sex-issue. She said with happiness she feels more attracted, which is why since their fight and with the tough lives we are in we have been less desirable to each other, which leads me to...
The questions
- Are any of you long-distance where both of you have extremely busy schedules, so you need to be sensitive to not overburdening?
- Is there stuff you do "apart but together?" I've looked at app games, goals (such as language practice), etc.
- What do you do with a poly LDR to encourage flirting/sexting/that intimacy when you can't see each other?
- When you have a disagreement/partner sees another but can't reconnect in person, do you have tips or advice to help reestablish that closeness? This is a big thing for me, as seeing her after her previous hook-ups reestablished our flame.