do you ever feel like...?

loveboth

New member
The people you love resent the crap outta you?

Sometimes it feels like both my husband and my GF resent me--they feel I'm getting away with something. That whole having my cake and eating it too thing. (And, as I said elsewhere, it's a lot of cake for one person.)

It's not like I don't understand why they feel that way, it just doesn't feel good. I feel like crying because I'm trying so hard to hear and meet their needs and yet I'm somehow always disappointing someone.

My GF and I just took a trip together. I planned it and, because it was work related, was able to pick up the tab for a lot of it. My husband was unhappy about it at first (it's the first time GF and I have traveled together, so he perceived it as escalating the relationship), but he got over it. We spoke every night when I was away and he's been great since I got home.

But on the last day of an otherwise wonderful trip, my GF started withdrawing and when we got home, she needed several days of "space" because she was in pain over my returning to my husband and she's not sure the poly thing will work for her. (We live in different cities, so our daily contact is email and text.) Now she's pushing me to have a conversation with my husband about parameters, with frequent reminders that this might not work for her and that both she and my husband "deserve good relationships." (Ouch! However I did tell her that stuff hurts and she apologized.)

She's right that my husband and I need to have further discussion and I will do it, though it's going to be hard to bring up. My husband and I are on a communication learning curve. (Getting better still not great.)

Still, I feel so worn down and...unappreciated? Misunderstood? Hurt? Angry?

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here...I'm just looking for a way to feel less shitty.
 
Sorry you are having a hard time. I don't have any advice but I couldn't help thinking, on "deserving good relationships" , that it sounds like the issues in both your relationships revolve around time split between the two relationships, not the quality of each relationship. More time doesn't always equal a better relationship and a better relationship may not require any more time than you are giving each partner. I understand people wanting what they want, but time is a finite resource and it sounds like you are getting pulled both ways. I hope you are able to find a compromise. Good luck (I always think "good luck" sounds snarky, but really, I hope you can work it out.) :)
 
That sounds really stressful. I hope there is some resolution for you soon.

What I'm hearing is that your husband and GF both have stuff to work on around jealousy, that they both want more than a 50% slice of the You pie, and that you're getting perhaps frustrated and overwhelmed trying to meet their impossible / conflicting needs. Is that an accurate summation?

A
 
I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

I don't understand this.

Sometimes it feels like both my husband and my GF resent me--they feel I'm getting away with something. That whole having my cake and eating it too thing

Could you be willing to clarify what you mean?

I think that (my husband and GF think I am getting away with something.)

OR

My husband and GF have expressed resentment toward me. One told me last week. The other told me 3 days ago. Each one said they think I am getting away with something.​


OR

I think I am getting away with something I should not get to have. So because of that, I think I have to make my husband and GF feel only good things. I feel uncomfortable when I have to watch them struggle with something poly related and the feelings I see them experiencing are not from the happy ones.​

Which one is it?

To me it sounds like it was a new thing to experience and each one had to cope in their own way.

  • Husband had to deal with you being away like anticipatory grief, and wondering if this trip was escalating the relationship.
    • He got through the trip (since you were providing some during care with the calls home) and felt ok enough in the end.
    • It sounds like he needs some before care next time to feel more at ease. He could do it for himself and ask you for appropriate help.


  • GF was excited to have the new trip. Was fine during because you were on the trip with her. But has to deal with some "ugh" at the end of the trip when you returned to your regular life.
    • It sounds like she needs some planned after care next time to feel more at ease.
    • She could do it for herself and ask you for appropriate help.

  • You had to deal with DH's gloomy before the trip dampening your own excitement for the trip, being excited ON the trip, and now GF gloomy being gloomy post trip. A lot of up and down for you.
    • It sounds like you need some before AND some after care. You cannot be giving to other people from an empty cup. You end up feeling super drained.
    • You could plan to do more self care for yourself next time and ask your partners for appropriate help. Just because you are the shared hinge doesn't mean you don't also need to care for your own self. Can't be tending to everyone else and skip tending to you.

Nothing horrible. Just... new trip and having to learn how to navigate all that. Sounds like you planned all you could. But you can't predict everything. Some things you have try out and then discover once actually there what else could be improved. I think ALL of you could benefit from airing out with people outside the system. Before, during and after care from people in the system AND outside the system.

Still, I feel so worn down and...unappreciated? Misunderstood? Hurt? Angry?

Sounds to me like...

  • You feel unappreciated trip wise. You would like a thank you from GF for arranging the trip in general.

  • You feel unappreciated effort wise. You would like a thank you from each of them for your initial efforts in before/during/after care. Like "Hey, good job trying. We appreciate you. We learned some new areas that could improve but we sure appreciate you trying to minimize problems on this new thing."

  • You feel worn down. You would like to receive some emotional and mental rest because this trip plumb wore you out. (Maybe schedule a massage?)


  • You feel hurt emotionally. You would like to have some space from your GF now that this trip has caused her to question if she still wants to poly or not. Maybe you two could improve your communication also? She sounds kinda whooshy.

    She could just tell you the cliff notes of what she wants. (Could you be willing to ask to change the parameters with your DH? I want more time with you like this.)
    • Not have you riding the emotional rollercoaster with her because it hurts you to hear all this "maybe I want out of this relationship" up and down stuff when you just arranged a nice trip and were putting effort into the relationship.
    • It's hard to hear she maybe wants to bail right now when you are exhausted and need to meet your own need for rest first.

I get that GF wants to "process" post trip stuff right away because they feel urgent to her if she's caught up in some anxiety cloud. But you know what? While important convo? It is not urgent. It can wait a 3-7 days so you can meet your own need to rest first. If she wants to break up, a few days won't change that. A week later she will still want to break up.

If she's all in a tizzy, a week might help cool her off so she's not bing-boinging all over the place. Then you can both come to the table better rested, more calm, and more prepared to discuss what next steps might be like.

Speaking as person with anxiety, I don't have to feel comfortable to be safe. I can remind myself of that, and ride the anxiety cloud out. It usually takes me 3 days.

Trying to have a conversation when you are tired with someone who is anxious is just not a good mix. Take the time out so you rest and become more able to RESPOND thoughtfully to her. And not just REACT.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl
 
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Thank you--this is very helpful.

Both DH and GF has expressed at one time or another the whole "You want too much" and "having your cake" etc., and "I don't feel sorry for you." So I know the resentment is there.

And yeah, I guess I haven't given a lot of thought to the concept of pre- and post-care. I don't feel like I'm entitled to ask for anything special from either of them because they are making what they perceive as sacrifices to let me have all that cake. So I'm going to have to figure out what I need and get it for myself. Gulp. This goes against all the co-dependence I have so carefully nurtured through my lifetime.

What sort of things do y'all do for self-care? (I did actually have a massage on Wednesday. It sorta helped, but that was the most stressful day since my return so it was a struggle.)

My GF has not told anyone about our relationship and that is something we talked about this week--I told her that she might feel like a secondary and not like it, but I feel like a zero because nobody in her life knows about me. (All the most important people in my life know about her.) She got that and has started telling people. (Well, she told one. Says she plans to tell others this weekend.) I think then she will at least have other people to talk to--although I fear that they will tell her to run away. I mean, so many people can't deal with unconventional.

We also decide to call a moratorium on all breakup talk for a few months so that we can get through the adjustment period without all my abandonment issues going into high alert.

Unfortunately my husband has no one else to talk to. It's a problem not only with this situation, but his life in general, and he knows it. He complains about it all the time. Sometimes I think he's less jealous of my sexual relationship than he is of my friendships.

You've given me a lot to think about and talk about. Thank you.
 
Glad it helps some. Thank you for clarifying that they each told you they feel resentful.

I mean this kindly ok? :eek:

You could be a lot firmer.

Both DH and GF has expressed at one time or another the whole "You want too much" and "having your cake" etc., and "I don't feel sorry for you." So I know the resentment is there.

They have expressed it once. That's enough. You can tell them to stop telling you and seek a friend and/or therapist to work that out with. It cannot be you. Because when they choose to be in something they don't really want to be in? They could be upset with themselves for picking that rather than blame shifting it on to you. Or being mean to you. Or withholding love and affection. What's up with that "I don't feel sorry for you" crap when you express you hurt? You are the hinge, not the punching bag. If you are dating partners with no empathy, you could stop dating them.

If your partners treat you poorly, you could ask them to stop that behavior. If they don't? YOU could stop choosing to be here. You deserve to be treated well.

I don't feel like I'm entitled to ask for anything special from either of them because they are making what they perceive as sacrifices to let me have all that cake.

You are allowed to have needs. You could speak up about them and ask. They either are willing to help or not. But you CAN ask .

They are not "sacrificing" here. They are choosing to be here. If they choose to be here while going against their own grain and it feels yucky? They could stop choosing to be here. No more guilt tripping you or blaming you for their own choices! Enough is enough.

So I'm going to have to figure out what I need and get it for myself. Gulp. This goes against all the co-dependence I have so carefully nurtured through my lifetime.

Sounds like time to for you to work on that and let it go. Because it leads to you you shrinking yourself while your partners skip doing their jobs and just blame or fuss at you that you are not Superwoman..

My GF has not told anyone about our relationship and that is something we talked about this week--I told her that she might feel like a secondary and not like it, but I feel like a zero because nobody in her life knows about me. (All the most important people in my life know about her.) She got that and has started telling people. (Well, she told one. Says she plans to tell others this weekend.) I think then she will at least have other people to talk to--although I fear that they will tell her to run away. I mean, so many people can't deal with unconventional.

You could reassure yourself that that is her problem to solve and that she can handle choosing to be here or not. It is also her job to build her support system. You can not be everyone's everything. Give her space to do her jobs. You are the hinge, the shared Sweetie. You are not the "solve everything for everyone person."

We also decide to call a moratorium on all breakup talk for a few months so that we can get through the adjustment period without all my abandonment issues going into high alert.

Sounds reasonable.

Unfortunately my husband has no one else to talk to. It's a problem not only with this situation, but his life in general, and he knows it. He complains about it all the time. Sometimes I think he's less jealous of my sexual relationship than he is of my friendships.

You can ask him what he plans to do when he complains. He could seek a therapist and seek to make friends. Then you leave the room so you are not listening to another complain-fest. Give him space to GET ON with doing his job. You are the hinge, the shared Sweetie. You are not the "solve everything for everyone person."

What sort of things do y'all do for self-care?

Time alone, time with my friends, massage, yoga, read a book, cook a new fun thing I have never tried to make, garden, journal, buy fancy soap and take a lovely shower with new washcloths,etc.

Also, what are the kinds of things you do for pre- and post care of your partners?

I ask them what it is they might want or need. If it is reasonable and rational, I offer to do it. Let them step up to the plate and articulate what it is they need. Every partner is different. The point is to check in and give them time and space to speak up about it for themselves. They own it. If they pass, they cannot complain to me later that I did not try to find out what it was. Every person holds their own baggage. No mind reader-ing.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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For self-care, I read, I work on a story if I'm in the middle of writing one (which hasn't happened much lately, since half my publishers have gone out of business in the past two years and all but one of the remaining ones have had serious enough issues that I refuse to write for them anymore), I meditate or work some study materials Woody's been giving me, or I take a nap.

Seeing Woody often becomes self-care for me, because he gives me the things I always wished I could have from a partner but never believed I actually would. Also because he's using a combination of his role as my Dom and skills he's picked up over the decades to help me overcome some major issues from my past and some of the worse symptoms of my anxiety and depression; those are usually the reasons I need self-care to begin with, so being around the one person in my life who fully accepts me with those issues and knows how to help me work on them in ways that make sense to me is a huge benefit.

Woody's been doing poly for over 30 years, so jealousy and struggling to wrap his head around things are not problems for him. Hubby isn't poly and I've only been acting on being poly for about two and a half years, so he's still kind of on the learning curve, but he tends to be mellow and "go with the flow" in general, and he's seen from my previous two relationships that I am capable of loving more than one person without shortchanging anyone or taking too much time or attention away from him or my kids.

Hubby doesn't have friends or anyone to talk to either, so I make sure to talk to him regularly to make sure he's still okay with everything and to remind him that he can speak up if he isn't okay with things. He doesn't have any type of veto power, but I will at least listen to his concerns and discuss them. He's expressed an interest lately in actually having some sort of social circle, so Woody's been drawing Hubby more into *his* circle, which works because they have very similar personalities and geekish interests.
 
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful, helpful responses. GalaGirl, you are remarkably generous and I needed that gentle spine stiffening, thank you.

I've had an amazing few days.

I had an excellent conversation with my husband on Friday night--the first time we've managed to talk about the situation without stress and to then go on and have a really lovely evening and weekend together.

I mentioned his resentment before, but I finally really heard what he's been saying--that he resents these little breaks from life I get (seeing GF) while he slogs along in his day to day. I told him I will support whatever will help him have his breaks too, but only he can figure out what will help. (I'm thinking for him too, though.)

He also talked about feeling left out, which led us to discussing the possibility of all three of us spending some kind of time together (not sexually). He knows my GF, we used to all hang out together. They like each other very much, but there's been a lot of water under the bridge since last we were together and she's been afraid to see him because she feels guilty about our relationship. Anyway, the prospect of not having to keep them separate makes me SO happy. I have not been keeping them apart, but I have been respecting their discomfort.

When I imparted the gist of the discussion to my GF, she was particularly touched by his feeling of being left out, which is how she feels when I'm with him. This led to an epiphany about how she has been seeing this as her vs. meandhusband, and that she realizes that it can be a triad, with all of us working towards a common goal. She's ready to work through the discomfort of seeing him. We're not going to rush to make something happen, but it will at some point. My husband was visibly relieved when I told him that.

My GF also went to a party of close friends the other night and told them about me--which also entailed coming out as a lesbian among other things. Brave, strong woman! Her friends were all supportive and loving and she is floating on a cloud of relief and joy now.

I checked in with my husband again tonight and he actually said that he knows I'm trying to be fair and mindful of him and I'm doing a good job. An amazing thing to hear.

I know we're not out of the woods yet, but this has been enormous leaps forward.

The two most important lessons I'm taking away from all of this discussion:

You are the hinge, the shared Sweetie. You are not the "solve everything for everyone person."


I read Codependent No More a few months ago (at my GF's suggestion, actually) and was shocked to realize how much of that crap I do. I'm a pretty tough, independent cookie--except in my close relationships, where I sublimate my own needs for others'. That's gonna stop.

And:

...it sounds like the issues in both your relationships revolve around time split between the two relationships, not the quality of each relationship. More time doesn't always equal a better relationship and a better relationship may not require any more time than you are giving each partner.


That really opened my eyes and helped me to reassure my GF. Because though we don't have as much time together as we both would like (and that's partly because we live three hours apart), she is getting my A+++ game. She is getting the best I have to offer. And I'm not emotionally (or sexually) promiscuous; I tend to keep myself to myself so this relationship is extremely special. She will have to decide for herself if it's enough. And at the moment, she seems to feel it is.

It's been a great few days.

Sorry, this is long. But again...thank you.
 
I'm so glad you were able to reach some understandings and resolutions with both of your partners!

With the time thing: Quality is far more important than quantity, in my opinion, as I think you've realized. Hubby and I have more hours together than Woody and I, by virtue of the fact that Hubby and I share housing. But when Hubby and I are home together, at least three-quarters of that time, we aren't interacting in any way. He's usually down in our basement (his "man cave") doing computer-y stuff like gaming, reading, or watching videos, while I'm upstairs with our kids or doing work related to my writing career, or reading or watching TV if I've finished my work for the day and the kids aren't home. I have health issues that exhaust me, so I usually go to bed around 8 or 9pm, while Hubby's a night owl and will often stay up until 2 or 3am, so often one of us is sleeping while the other's awake.

Generally, even if it's a full day where we're both home (i.e. he isn't working and I don't have any appointments or errands), we might spend a grand total of one hour actually interacting with each other in any way at all. And that one hour is spaced throughout the day in few-minute increments of "Can I have a hug" and "Hey, honey, I needed to ask you about that expense from our household account." Once or twice a week, we might spend a couple of hours in bed together snuggling and/or sexxing. Or we might not; depends on his mood.

By contrast, I'm with Woody 1-2 overnights per week, usually arriving at his house in the early evening and staying until early to mid afternoon the following day. Less time than I'm with Hubby. But when I'm with Woody, from the moment I walk through the door, at least some of his attention is on me. If we're watching TV with his housemates, he sits beside me with his arm around me. The one movie night when Stella was there as well as me, he sat between us and had one arm around each of us, or was holding our hands, the entire time, and he's had enough experience with that type of situation that I didn't feel like I was losing any of his attention to her. If he's having a conversation with someone else and I'm near enough, he's usually holding my hand or has his hand on my leg or something.

He's self-employed, so sometimes needs to work while I'm there. Unless he has to have a phone or Skype conversation with someone about business, he does his work sitting beside me, and he'll reach over to squeeze my hand, or he'll share something about what he's doing, or occasionally even ask my opinion about something to draw me into his activities. One day when he knew I'd be staying with him later than usual, he told me to bring my laptop so we could sit side by side, him working on his stuff and me working on my writing etc., because he had to get things done but didn't want me to leave and didn't want to completely take his attention away from me.

When I'm there, he ends his "interacting with housemates" portion of the night earlier than usual so he and I can go to his room for some one-on-one full-attention time. And even though I've told him I love feeling like part of his household and don't really mind that some of our time is shared with others, he's decided I need more one-on-one time with him and that he needs to do better about giving me his full attention, so he's planning things like date nights out and even a weekend away later this winter so that I will be his sole focus.

So even though I have fewer *hours* in the same physical space as Woody than I do with Hubby, I have a whole lot more *time* from Woody, because his time with me is spent mostly on me, while Hubby's time with me is spent mostly on other things.
 
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Yes, you're right. I really have only a couple of hours a day with my husband under normal circumstances, although we do cook and eat together most nights and interact in the morning before he leaves for work. (I work at home or in a co-working space, so my mornings are leisurely.) He goes to sleep quite early every night, though, so in the evening we spend only about two hours together. He works Saturdays, so Sundays are our only solid time together; we often spend it puttering around house and yard.

Unfortunately, GF lives three hours away and I'm still working out matters of time away from home with my husband. Right now she and I see each other for a couplafew days just once a month. It's not enough but I'm working cautiously towards more. Eventually I hope to be able to spend one week a month with her. However, as I told her in my last email, with text and email I communicate as much with her as I do with my husband. (Plus, we're both more communicative people in general than husband is.)

I do know, however, that both she and I would love the sort of "just living our lives" time together that one gets in a fulltime primary relationship. It's funny--husband envies my time with GF because it is like little minivacations (although I have had to work quite a bit last two times I saw her), while she envies the humdrum life I share with my husband. The next time I visit her will be during the week, rather than a weekend, and she will have to work. (As will I--in her house.) She said she is looking forward to coming home to me. Which is sweet.

Well, we'll work it all out in time, I guess. (Or we won't.) Right now I'm enjoying the ride.
 
See, we don't even cook and eat together... Hubby has diabetes, so he usually cooks for himself and eats downstairs in front of his computer. On work mornings, he gets up, hops in the shower, and has to leave the second he's dressed, so we don't have time to interact then either.

On days when he doesn't work, we usually only spend a total of an hour or so interacting, and that's spaced out into small increments throughout the day. We don't watch TV together, don't even spend time in the same room for the most part. On days when he works, saying goodbye to him as he's rushing out the door might be all I get; sometimes he stays at the office to use the computer there because his doesn't work so well. It's even worse during the summer, because even though his job is year-round summers are far busier and his schedule gets changed, so we'll sometimes go a day or two without seeing each other at all.

I know what you mean about wanting to do daily life kinds of things. A couple of weeks ago, Woody asked me to go grocery shopping with him because he wanted to do household chore-type things with me. We didn't go; both of us had to go grocery shopping, which was why he suggested it, but I needed to bring my groceries home before going to his house for the night and it didn't make sense to drive out to his place, get groceries, drive back to my house and then back to his. But it made me feel very special that he wanted that kind of thing with me.
 
Ah, I'm sorry. That sounds hard--or maybe it's the way you like it? Sounds like you get a lot of your needs met by Woody.

I can't complain about the amount of time my husband and I spend together. We eat together most nights, we do things together on weekends, we travel together. A number of years ago he was very unavailable--timewise and emotionally--and it almost did in the marriage, but we did a lot of counseling together and separately and reconnected. He's gotten 100 percent better about giving a damn about what I do; he didn't used pay any attention to my life. I doubt I would have stayed in the marriage if that hadn't changed. It's still a work in progress but it's much, much better. If it weren't, I'd probably leave him for my GF (if she would have me).
 
It is hard. Hubby accepts and encourages my being polyamorous primarily because other men meet my needs for focused time and attention so he doesn't have to change his behaviors. (And he has actually said that.) Because of emotional and verbal abuse and bullying as a child and during my marriage to my kids' father, I deal with some pretty bad abandonment issues and with feelings of being unloved and unwanted, so Hubby's behavior has been extremely problematic for me, because even though intellectually I recognize that he desires solitude and introversion because of *his* personality, I sometimes have trouble not feeling that he doesn't want to be around *me* specifically because everyone else who didn't love me or want me was right.

Woody meets my needs partly because that's how he is; he's a very loving, attentive person to anyone he cares about, be it family member, friend, or lover. But also, after I started telling him about my past, he chose to deliberately set out to give me, as he puts it, the attention and love I've always deserved and should have had all along.

So I don't like the way Hubby is, or the way our relationship is, though as I said in another thread sometimes it is better for us not to be together for long stretches of time because we sometimes get on each other's nerves. Woody isn't Hubby; the fact that Woody gives me a lot of time and attention doesn't change or negate, in the slightest, the fact that Hubby doesn't.
 
Hi loveboth,

Just wanted to say I've read your thread and I'm really happy for you that things have gotten so much better. Here's to hoping that trend will continue!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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