Do you let jealousy keep you from events?

[xmoonember]

My partner, Finch, invited me to a convention later this week. I'd really like to go with him but am feeling hesitant.

I know Finch plans on seeing some folx from our local kink community. One is a woman he enjoys scening with, Hawk. Hawk is very popular and has a pretty large online following. Lots of people fawn over her and put her on a pedestal, including Finch. I personally find her arrogant and off-putting, but that could be because I feel threatened by her. I've even done a group scene with Finch, Raven, and Hawk before (it was very lighthearted and barely sexual) as a means to try to bridge the gap, but to this day I still feel uncomfortable around her.

I'm really worried if I go that my disorganized attachment will trigger, and I'll try to find a way to flee the convention or whatever after-party they're planning on attending.

On the other hand, I was really excited that he invited me to do something fun like this and do really want to go for the experience.

At other group events with metas I at least have other friends I can talk to if I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't foresee this being the case.

Would you go? Is there something I should say to Finch to help ease my mind? I'm wavering here.

 

[Tinwen]

Maybe some time-split agreements would help? Like Friday and Saturday morning are yours, Saturday afternoon is theirs, and you try to make the most of being on your own at the convention?

I would go if I was interested in the event itself, not just "with my partner".

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ember,

I am not into events these days, although I will say that when I was, jealousy was never an issue. In your situation, I don't know whether Finch is aware of how uncomfortable it makes you to be around Hawk. If he isn't, you might want to have a talk with him about it, and extract a promise from him that he won't push you into interacting with Hawk. I don't know whether you should go, but if you do go, I imagine it would be best if you kept your distance from Hawk. To me she sounds like an unpleasant person.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[xmoonember]

Maybe some time-split agreements would help? Like Friday and Saturday morning are yours, Saturday afternoon is theirs, and you try to make the most of being on your own at the convention?

I would go if I was interested in the event itself, not just "with my partner".

I think we're only going the first day, which is from 5pm-late. I've never gone to this type of convention before and was kind of hoping to stay with him. I just don't want to hang out with her.

We're all in a shared Discord server together, and he's already offered to be a DD for any after-party (in replying to her). So I'm sort of just not feeling considered anyway. Maybe it's a sign I should stay home.

 

[xmoonember]

Hello Ember,

I am not into events these days, although I will say that when I was, jealousy was never an issue. In your situation, I don't know whether Finch is aware of how uncomfortable it makes you to be around Hawk. If he isn't, you might want to have a talk with him about it, and extract a promise from him that he won't push you into interacting with Hawk. I don't know whether you should go, but if you do go, I imagine it would be best if you kept your distance from Hawk. To me she sounds like an unpleasant person.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

Thanks for the feedback, Kevin.

I'm pretty sure Finch is aware of my hesitation with Hawk (I've definitely mentioned it before). He probably isn't considering it in the context of this event, though. I'm someone with lots of deep feelings, and I try to keep my relationship with Finch light because I feel like showing those feelings might scare him away.

He literally just told me he's definitely going Friday (same day as Hawk), but didn't ask if that worked for me/if I'm still interested in going. Just not feeling very considered right now.

 

[kdt26417]

Indeed, it doesn't seem like Finch is particularly aware of your feelings, he is distracted by his interest in Hawk. You should consider that if you go, he is likely to spare little or no attention for you, you might have to watch him fawn over Hawk the whole time.

 

[xmoonember]

Indeed, it doesn't seem like Finch is particularly aware of your feelings, he is distracted by his interest in Hawk. You should consider that if you go, he is likely to spare little or no attention for you, you might have to watch him fawn over Hawk the whole time.

Ugh, you might be right. I just asked if he's going with Hawk, and he said, "Going might be a strong word. We’re just meeting there and getting up to shenanigans."

But like, still not asking me if I'm going. I guess I should say something since he's not a mind reader lol.

 

[kdt26417]

It is big of you to be considerate of his feelings when he is not returning the favor. You can certainly set the example of having a conscience about things, good for you.

 

[xmoonember]

Moot. I kept trying to tee it up for him to ask me to go.

Earlier he had asked if our usual Thursday date night could be a throuple night with Raven, which I agreed to. But I suddenly don't feel like I'm a priority. I like having our 1:1 time and now I'm not getting it at all this week. Not to mention I'm already going out with Raven on Saturday.

So since he isn't a mind-reader, I told him I'd probably need to choose between date night and the convention since going out three nights in a row is a lot.
And he suggested I choose date night.

Not saying that means he doesn't want me to go to the convention, but it doesn't sound like he really wants me to go, either.

I think I wanted him to want me to go more than I actually wanted to go, anyway. Oh well.

 

[kdt26417]

I think Finch is kind of dropping the ball in this area. I don't mean to say that he is doing it on purpose, but his attention is definitely distracted away from you at this time. Hopefully this is just a one-off, and he will soon start again to make you a priority.

 

[xmoonember]

I think Finch is kind of dropping the ball in this area. I don't mean to say that he is doing it on purpose, but his attention is definitely distracted away from you at this time. Hopefully this is just a one-off, and he will soon start again to make you a priority.

He's a busy guy and I don't think he puts as much stock into our relationship as I do. He's also just kind of clueless but generally receptive to feedback. We had a talk a couple weeks ago about where we stood (more thank just kink partners, more than FWB) and I think that sunk me a bit deeper than it did him. It is what it is.

 

[Tinwen]

I would say, you intended for this to be a date while he just invited you to come along in case you're interested in the event.
Not a big deal, but maybe the big deal is you have more need for alone time right now than he does.

 

[Magdlyn]

In your Intro you shared your love/kink/sex network:

My current relationship structure:

• Duck (35M), husband: Together for 16 years, married for 7. We have two children together, a 3.5 yr old boy and a 1 yr old girl. Also dating Raven.
• Raven (29F), paramour: Dating 4 months. Together with Finch 5 months. Has an additional local partner, as well as a couple they see back home.
• Finch (25M/NB), paramour: Dating 4 months, D/s relationship (sub). Together with Raven 5 months. Has 2-3 additional kink play partners [Sparrow (30NB), Owl (26F), and Hawk (26F)].

It seems you have two very young children, and got into kink/scening just a few months ago, when your baby was less than a year old, or maybe barely a year old.

(I didn't have energy or time to practice polyamory when my kids were that small. I could barely get it up for my husband more than once a month or so. But I was breastfeeding on cue and we didn't have any grandmas, aunts or uncles around to babysit. And I didn't want to leave my kids with inexpensive teenage sitters that young. Anyway...)

Even if you do have people who can be trusted to watch your kids, you still might be deep in Mommy-love feelings. But somehow you and your husband Duck decided this was a good time to begin joining in with the BDSM crowd? Or had you been involved before, and it's been long enough... you want to get back into it again? However, you must have limited time and energy for Raven and Finch, just the same.

Also, you said here:

I'm someone with lots of deep feelings... I try to keep my relationship with Finch light because I feel like showing those feelings might scare him away.

And

I don't think he puts as much stock into our relationship as I do.

So, you're Finch's sub? But it isn't polyamory. You have love for him, perhaps, or at least fond feelings, but you're hiding that because he doesn't feel that way towards you. And if you did show or say how you love him, your instincts are telling you he'd dump you.

It sounds like you want actual polyamory-- sex and romance (kink too, sure) with more than one person who actually has deep feelings for you in return. You have Duck. Finch does not seem to be a viable partner for polyamory. He/they is/are 10 years younger than you, exploring, having multiple partners, worshipping a "star" from your local kink scene. You have three loving relationships, i.e., for Duck and the kids, and more love to give, but Finch doesn't want your love.

(Do you and Raven love each other? Does Raven love Duck?)

What do you want? Love with Duck? Love with Raven? And kink with others whom you also love, who love you in return? Someone who wouldn't invite you to a kink con only to abandon you, friendless, while he gets in line for a chance to "play" with the "star"?

 

[xmoonember]

I would say, you intended for this to be a date while he just invited you to come along in case you're interested in the event.
Not a big deal, but maybe the big deal is you have more need for alone time right now than he does.

You know what, I think you're so right. I was looking at this through a different lens than he was.

 

[xmoonember]

In your Intro you shared your love/kink/sex network:


It seems you have two very young children, and got into kink/scening just a few months ago, when your baby was less than a year old, or maybe barely a year old.

(I didn't have energy or time to practice polyamory when my kids were that small. I could barely get it up for my husband more than once a month or so. But I was breastfeeding on cue and we didn't have any grandmas, aunts or uncles around to babysit. And I didn't want to leave my kids with inexpensive teenage sitters that young. Anyway...)

Even if you do have people who can be trusted to watch your kids, you still might be deep in Mommy-love feelings. But somehow you and your husband Duck decided this was a good time to begin joining in with the BDSM crowd? Or had you been involved before, and it's been long enough... you want to get back into it again? However, you must have limited time and energy for Raven and Finch, just the same.

Also, you said here:


And



So, you're Finch's sub? But it isn't polyamory. You have love for him, perhaps, or at least fond feelings, but you're hiding that because he doesn't feel that way towards you. And if you did show or say how you love him, your instincts are telling you he'd dump you.

It sounds like you want actual polyamory-- sex and romance (kink too, sure) with more than one person who actually has deep feelings for you in return. You have Duck. Finch does not seem to be a viable partner for polyamory. He/they is/are 10 years younger than you, exploring, having multiple partners, worshipping a "star" from your local kink scene. You have three loving relationships, i.e., for Duck and the kids, and more love to give, but Finch doesn't want your love.

(Do you and Raven love each other? Does Raven love Duck?)

What do you want? Love with Duck? Love with Raven? And kink with others whom you also love, who love you in return? Someone who wouldn't invite you to a kink con only to abandon you, friendless, while he gets in line for a chance to "play" with the "star"?

Thanks for the reply. I actually had to pull out my laptop so I could properly respond (typing is easier than texting haha).

So Duck and I live with his parents and our kids while we aggressively save up for a home of our own. This allows us to go out after their bedtime since someone is always here to watch the monitors. We each go out solo about once per week, then on the weekend we tend to go out together. We're extremely fortunate to have the flexibility.

I guess I missed giving more of a background on how I wound up here in my introduction. Here's the summary:
My husband and I had an awful sex life for like 10 years because of hormonal birth control, depression and anxiety, PTSD, etc. After the birth of my daughter last spring, my hormones completely flipped. My libido feels like it did when I was 20. Even the curls in my hair bounced back after being sad for so long. So we started exploring more sexually.
This led us to an interest in group sex. Which led us to social ENM events. Which led us to the kink community. Which led us to our current partners.
It has been a very empowering experience, especially personally after spending the last 3 years just being a mom and not feeling like my own person.

But you're right, our time is otherwise limited between work and kids. But we value these relationships and the growth we've experienced.

And to clarify, Finch is my sub. But, as I've mentioned in a previous comment here, it's more than that. And it's more than just a FWB or solely sex situation. We do have feelings and like each other, and consider ourselves dating (though don't otherwise put any labels on it). He has said he has love for me (and Raven), and while we aren't necessarily at romantic love (he had a bad breakup last year and doesn't want to dive in too quickly), that we are both open to seeing how deep the connection goes.

This is something I've continually struggled with as I seem to get a lot of mixed responses online. At what point does it become polyamory? When there is a label on the relationship? When you've expressed romantic love? Is it not polyamory if you're intentionally dating multiple people? What does that mean for solo poly then? My understanding is that the line between an open relationship and polyamory is based upon emotional exclusivity.
The four of us are not emotionally exclusive to any one person (though there is an inherent hierarchy between myself and Duck). It's just a matter of me falling a little harder and faster than Finch is, and that's something anyone can deal with regardless of if it is polyamory or monogamy.

We've only been seeing each other for 4 months. I don't think anyone is ready to proclaim romantic love just yet.

 

[kdt26417]

My understanding of open and poly is that polyamory is romantic love with two or more partners (with the knowledge and consent of all). This doesn't require exclusivity, it just means it's more than just sex. Open I think is a more flexible term, it can involve polyamory but it can also involve just sex between multiple people. I realize that this is all just my point of view; other polyamorists might disagree with me.

 

[xmoonember]

My understanding of open and poly is that polyamory is romantic love with two or more partners (with the knowledge and consent of all). This doesn't require exclusivity, it just means it's more than just sex. Open I think is a more flexible term, it can involve polyamory but it can also involve just sex between multiple people. I realize that this is all just my point of view; other polyamorists might disagree with me.

This is what I was basing my response off of. But you and I seem to have a similar idea of what constitutes polyamory.

 

[IndieSolo]

Polyamory literally means "many loves," so loving more than one person, or being open to loving more than one, is generally the idea. Most importantly, it's about engaging the heart, and not just the body. Indeed, some poly folks have non-sexual partners. The relationships don't necessarily have to be exclusive (aka polyfidelity) to be polyamorous. It's the loving multiple people (in a "romantic" way that is different from loving one's friends or family) that makes it poly (or, if one is not there yet, at least being open to and accepting of the possibility of loving more than one person).

As for solo poly, it's also about loving more than one person, but without cohabitation. No living together and sharing expenses, no marriage/nesting situation, and most important of all, no hierarchy. Most solo poly people live on their own, but if they're in shared housing, it's with roommates or friends, not their lovers. All love partners are considered equally important and all have a full and equal voice. Oh, and no relationship escalator - which just means solo poly people don't feel the need to steer relationships to a different level or to a traditional outcome to consider them important, or serious, or an integral part of their lives. We don't want or need to make sure the relationship is "going somewhere" to feel committed to someone, or to making the relationship work.

 

[xmoonember]

Polyamory literally means "many loves," so loving more than one person, or being open to loving more than one, is generally the idea. Most importantly, it's about engaging the heart, and not just the body. Indeed, some poly folks have non-sexual partners. The relationships don't necessarily have to be exclusive (aka polyfidelity) to be polyamorous. It's the loving multiple people (in a "romantic" way that is different from loving one's friends or family) that makes it poly (or, if one is not there yet, at least being open to and accepting of the possibility of loving more than one person).

As for solo poly, it's also about loving more than one person, but without cohabitation. No living together and sharing expenses, no marriage/nesting situation, and most important of all, no hierarchy. Most solo poly people live on their own, but if they're in shared housing, it's with roommates or friends, not their lovers. All love partners are considered equally important and all have a full and equal voice. Oh, and no relationship escalator - which just means solo poly people don't feel the need to steer relationships to a different level or to a traditional outcome to consider them important, or serious, or an integral part of their lives. We don't want or need to make sure the relationship is "going somewhere" to feel committed to someone, or to making the relationship work.

Thanks for your insight. I do understand solo poly (my partner Raven is), so I was just being a bit rhetorical. Based on your reply I'd also consider my relationship structure as polyamorous. I just don't understand why others would suggest it isn't.

 

[Tinwen]

Thanks for your insight. I do understand solo poly (my partner Raven is), so I was just being a bit rhetorical. Based on your reply I'd also consider my relationship structure as polyamorous. I just don't understand why others would suggest it isn't.

Magdlyn just thought you're not on the same page with Finch, like maybe he "just" wants kink not love. I don't think anybody else questioned your structure as poly.