Does one relationship make the other stronger?

D

Dreammy

New member
Hi, I am new to this forum and came across it because I was looking for some advice about poly relationships. So I hope some of you have some :)

Following situation:

My partner in my secondary relationship says he is so happy with being together with me and we can talk about things he can't talk about with his primary partner. So far that's very positive, I feel the same towards him. But then he says our relationships makes his love to his primary partner grow and become stronger. And this is where it doesn't compute for me. Maybe I'm jealous, although I am usually really not. But I feel a bit betrayed. Basically he says that he pours all the positive energy he derives from our relationship into his primary relationship. For me it's different. I put the energy I get from him into our relationship and invest the positive things I get from my primary partner into him again. Ok, maybe you can't really draw such a clear line here. But this statement from him made me feel used somehow.

Am I complete on a wrong planet here and do I overreact or is this how it is "supposed to be"?
 
Synergy. Positive experiences can (IMO, should) enhance all the relationships you're in, not just the one generating them at the moment.

I see his point. His ability to share things with you that he can't/doesn't with his primary, takes some of the pressure off that relationship to be everything all the time. He can appreciate what's best with his primary without wanting more, because that stuff he gets with you. While there is a lot of overlap of love in poly relationships, each is different and each person brings something a little different or complementary to other relationships. So, all of the relationships can be enhanced.
 
I think it's not so concrete as energy in -> energy out. I get the impression you may still be operating from a scarcity mindset.

I know when I was the hinge in a V I found that each Relationship made *me* better and then I could be a better partner to both of my partners. And in turn, both of my Relationships benifited from the presence of my partners. Sometimes this was easier to see in one direction over another. (And when one Relationship was struggling I struggled, and sometimes so did the other Relationships I was in)

Ex: Person A dates person B. A and B struggle a bit. Person A dates person C too. Person A can get needs met by C and is happy from that relationship. Consequently their relationship with Person B improves.

It's less that he takes something from you and gives it to her, but that he benifited by being with you and that effects everyone in his life, including his other partners.

At least that was my experience. My apologies if I am projecting.
 
Hi Dreammy,

I can see why you are feeling betrayed, and while RRE (Renewed Relationship Energy) is one of the best things about polyamory, in your case it doesn't seem to be very helpful. I hope the other posts here are helpful to you in seeing how this might not be something that has to take away from what you have with your secondary partner. Remember love is an abundant resource. More for someone else doesn't necessarily mean less for you. Does that make sense?

Sorry you are dealing with these difficult feelings right now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am new to poly but so far having outside relationships has strengthened my marriage. It is a lot of pressure to have to be everything for someone. When you relieve that pressure it makes everyone happier, in my limited experience anyway. Here is the best way I can explain it. In a monogamous relationship when one party goes out for a night with friends, talks, connects and maybe even gets casually flirted with, said person will bring that home to their partner. Because of a single night of distressing and relazation they are happier. In a poly relationship being with another person and connecting on a different level helps both members of the primary relationship better connect with each other because there is not as much pressure on the relationship.

I could be wrong but this is my findings thus far. I hope you can figure this out because only you can get yourself in the mindset that this is okay. If your relationship with this person is not suffering because of it then why stress?
 
Basically he says that he pours all the positive energy he derives from our relationship into his primary relationship. For me it's different. I put the energy I get from him into our relationship and invest the positive things I get from my primary partner into him again. Ok, maybe you can't really draw such a clear line here. But this statement from him made me feel used somehow.
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I think I would have asked him to clarify.

"Let me repeat back what you said in my own words so I know I got it how you mean it.

You say our relationships makes your love to your primary partner grow and become stronger. You pour ALL the positive energy you derive from our relationship into your primary relationship.

To me that almost sounds like I'm being used just to keep your other relationship going. Sounds very one way street. Is that how you meant all that?"​

Don't sit and stew on stuff. Seek clarification.

I think it's fine if being in two relationships gives the hinge a charge and excited to be with both. I don't much like the sound "I suck you dry so I can spend it elsewhere."

How he phrased it sounds off putting to me. I would assume positive intent, though perhaps he's a clunky communicator? I would seek clarification.

Galagirl
 
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So, he's doing exactly what you're doing, only you're "pouring all your energy" into him and he's "pouring all his energy" into someone else. So, maybe your primary partner feels as shitty about what you're doing as you feel about what your secondary's doing. Perhaps you will see the merit of just being present with each person instead of favoring one over the other, and start "pouring your energy" into your own emotional and sexual well-being, and self-awareness. After all, you are the common denominator in all your relationships.
 
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I don't get the concept of taking energy from one person and pouring into...anything. If I'm having a positive experience I am energized. That energy is just part of me. How on earth would you figure out what energy comes from one partner or another?
 
I've spoken with many monogamous people who seem to get "phase locked" into fantasies, & soon imagine that life would be so much better with someone else, losing track of the "fantasy" root & starting to really believe they're trapped in Hell (well, Purgatory) with this dead weight of a partner.

My experience in polyamory is that contrast flies against empty fantasy.

Anna once admitted that, if she'd been monogamous, there's plenty of stuff about me that'd have driven her to distraction.

But, she said, having other lovers showed her on a regular basis that I was a really good steady partner & lover. ;)
 
Dreammy said:
Maybe I'm jealous, although I am usually really not. But I feel a bit betrayed. Basically he says that he pours all the positive energy he derives from our relationship into his primary relationship. For me it's different. I put the energy I get from him into our relationship and invest the positive things I get from my primary partner into him again. Ok, maybe you can't really draw such a clear line here. But this statement from him made me feel used somehow.
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I understand feeling betrayed and used here. Simply because his wording makes it sound like he only values his relationship with you for the way it benefits his other relationship. Like you're only there to bolster and shore up the primary relationship.

(In which case, what happens if it stops working that way down the line???)

I doubt he meant it that way, I think he probably meant something more along the lines of what the other posters have written, where every happy relationship makes life better overall. If it's still bothering you, though, might be worth bringing up.
 
central said:
Synergy. Positive experiences can (IMO, should) enhance all the relationships you're in, not just the one generating them at the moment.
Click to expand...

Yes, I agree with that. And from the answers I have read here now, I think I maybe just overreacted. But stil I felt hurt just then. Also with the background that he hasn't yet said that he is in love with me.

central said:
...takes some of the pressure off that relationship to be everything all the time. He can appreciate what's best with his primary without wanting more, because that stuff he gets with you.
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Yes, that's about what he said, too. And I don't think he meant to hurt me or anything.
 
jayblue122 said:
It's less that he takes something from you and gives it to her, but that he benifited by being with you and that effects everyone in his life, including his other partners.
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Yes, I do think it is like that. I just felt like I am not benefiting, because just there and then it felt like I am left out of the equation. I see now that that was a silly thing to think.
 
kdt26417 said:
Remember love is an abundant resource. More for someone else doesn't necessarily mean less for you. Does that make sense?

Sorry you are dealing with these difficult feelings right now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the kind words. I think you are right about that.
 
Tinkerbell87 said:
I am new to poly but so far having outside relationships has strengthened my marriage. It is a lot of pressure to have to be everything for someone. When you relieve that pressure it makes everyone happier, in my limited experience anyway. Here is the best way I can explain it. In a monogamous relationship when one party goes out for a night with friends, talks, connects and maybe even gets casually flirted with, said person will bring that home to their partner. Because of a single night of distressing and relazation they are happier. In a poly relationship being with another person and connecting on a different level helps both members of the primary relationship better connect with each other because there is not as much pressure on the relationship.

I could be wrong but this is my findings thus far. I hope you can figure this out because only you can get yourself in the mindset that this is okay. If your relationship with this person is not suffering because of it then why stress?
Click to expand...

Yeah, I am new to poly, too. This is my first time with two relationships at the same time. If the relationship suffers under it? I'm not sure really. I don't know if I handle well to be secondary partner, even though he is the same to me. I think I'd rather have two partners on the same level.
 
GalaGirl said:
I think I would have asked him to clarify.

"Let me repeat back what you said in my own words so I know I got it how you mean it.

You say our relationships makes your love to your primary partner grow and become stronger. You pour ALL the positive energy you derive from our relationship into your primary relationship.

To me that almost sounds like I'm being used just to keep your other relationship going. Sounds very one way street. Is that how you meant all that?"​

Don't sit and stew on stuff. Seek clarification.

I think it's fine if being in two relationships gives the hinge a charge and excited to be with both. I don't much like the sound "I suck you dry so I can spend it elsewhere."

How he phrased it sounds off putting to me. I would assume positive intent, though perhaps he's a clunky communicator? I would seek clarification.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

No, well that part of pouring all energy into her was my interpretations. He just said that "it makes me love her more". But it feels like that if he has a problem then he comes to me, and then he is back with her when everything is fine. I think that's where my problem lies. I think it's important to invest in both relationships equally, and that statement didn't exactly make me feel like that.
 
nycindie said:
So, he's doing exactly what you're doing, only you're "pouring all your energy" into him and he's "pouring all his energy" into someone else. So, maybe your primary partner feels as shitty about what you're doing as you feel about what your secondary's doing. Perhaps you will see the merit of just being present with each person instead of favoring one over the other, and start "pouring your energy" into your own emotional and sexual well-being, and self-awareness. After all, you are the common denominator in all your relationships.
Click to expand...

I don't pour all my energy into him. I put energy in both relationships. I don't want to favour on over the other either. I want them to be equal in any and every way. But I agree with you that maybe my focus should be more on myself. That was the starting point of entering these two relationships, because I figured that this is better for me. But I am new to polyamory and there are still things to learn.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I don't get the concept of taking energy from one person and pouring into...anything. If I'm having a positive experience I am energized. That energy is just part of me. How on earth would you figure out what energy comes from one partner or another?
Click to expand...

Very good point. But I do think that you can see that somehow, for example my primary partner makes me feel good in a lot of different ways, than my secondary partner. They are very different.
 
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