kapablekeri
New member
Good evening. My story is long so I will try to make it as brief as I can. I need help trying to understand. Let me preface everything that in my heart of hearts, I do not believe she wants me, just him.
Three years ago we fell into a poly relationship. Bennet and I have been together on and off for 13 years and have known each other for well over 20. He had ended the relationship with me for various reasons and we were still talking.
He wanted a FB and asked a friend to find him one. He started seeing Cace. They became a couple. He fell in love with her. But he still loved me. He broke up with her.
(I had slept with him while he was with her, before I met her. With his and my relationship this had occurred before, so I didn't feel bad about it until after I met her.)
Well, Bennet broke up with Cace and he and I were not back together. He was spending time with me when I would go visit, and time with her when I was away. Everything was pretty much separate. This was before the poly ever started. Then he began seeing a new younger girl. He changed many of his behaviors for acceptance from her.
One night, both Caceand I were there. I said to her, "Why don't you and I be with him?" So we said that to him, and we were off and running. None of us had given it any thought as to how we would really feel. I know I had just considered that it would be like when she and I were seeing him separately. But boy, was I wrong. We had all sorts of issues and problems.
That was the beginning. At that stage I was still very monogamy-minded. I had an extremely hard time with them having sex. But the 3 of us had good times together. This stage lasted for a couple of months. I just couldn't handle it. So we broke up with her.
At the same time, we moved, and I started a job working midnight shift. About a month after that, Bennet started sleeping with Cace again and not talking to me. I found out when he was working out of town my text messages went to a number I didn't know. Looking back, I understand a lot more, because he had fallen in love with her, and couldn't just walk away.
Then he asked to have her move in. I was very honest and explained I wasn't comfortable with it. They both agreed that they would not have sex until I was comfortable with it. I was extremely naive.
Basically, she got all of his time, because I was sleeping during the day and working all night. But I wanted to be the primary.. so I would make him promise me things. I wanted a hierarchy. I didn't really want a poly relationship. Things continued this way for almost 6 months.
He couldn't take the tension, and told both of us to get the f out. I did. She stayed. He made her leave, according to what I was told. Then he was seeing both of us and telling me he was only seeing me. At one point he wanted me to move back in. I agreed I would move back in if he would stop seeing her entirely for 3-4 weeks, but he couldn't, so I didn't move back.
I started to examine how I felt about her. Instead of looking at her as his partner I started to consider how I would feel about always having a second partner with him, and realized that that was what I wanted.
I had moved out in October. I had promised him that I would move back in December. He was still seeing both of us separately. This entire time she had been saying that she really wanted this, that it was me that didn't want it, and she was fully on board.
I got sick in Dec 2009. The 3 of us were supposed to have a "friends" New Years and it didn't happen. But in late January I went and the 3 of us spent time together. I talked to her about the three of us being together, that I would never be with just him alone again. We agreed to try again with the 3 of us.
Then in March her mom came to California. The 3 of us met at a hotel with her children. Cace didn't want me to meet her mother, not even as her friend. This was very upsetting. It made me feel excluded. It was not possible to talk about anything with her kids there. So that day after they left to meet with her mom I left and returned home, because I didn't want to argue in front of her children..
In June we all met for a wine festival weekend. Things were even worse. In July I went up there. We had a campground for a week and a half. Things came to a head. Cace and I were talking about some issues. She and I were on thin ice. Then something happened between Bennet and Cace, and he told her to leave, which she did. Her children were there with us. She went home with her children.
During that month I was asking her what she really wanted from a relationship. Bennet and I talked exhaustively about what we wanted from a poly relationship. We did a lot of internet research. We set some guidelines as to what we were seeking.
Cace convinced him, and then the two of them convinced me that we should try again. She agreed to a triad. We all did agreed that we would share sex and include each other in what was happening in our lives. We ground rules. We would all be equal in the relationship. We would share.
I left at the beginning of August to go back to school for a semester, to get a job, so we could move forward with our plan of all of us moving to the bay and living together. We had all agreed to get our own stuff together so when this happened we could lead more care-free lives.
In October I went to visit. Cace admitted that when I was at the casino, she had not wanted the three of us. She just wanted a relationship with Bennet. She was having a hard time considering sex with me, because we had discussed in July that since sex had been such an issue that we would invite the 3rd partner for sex, like, "The two of us are horny and are going to have sex. Would you like to come watch and/or play?" We had already had a number of threesomes at this point.
During this visit, we all went out and had a great time. Both of them were drinking. I was the DD. But when we got home, I was able to enjoy some beers and we had a beautiful threesome, or it was beautiful to me. I was able to pleasure her with him. When it was my turn, it turned sour, but that was ok, because we had just had a beautiful thing.
The next day she told us that she was completely freaked out about it. We didn't change the rule about inviting the third. I just knew that things would be slow with Cace and me.
One night, she and I were on different couches and pleasured ourselves, which was also very nice. She said that she enjoyed it too. I was thinking this is great, this is progressing nicely.
On this visit she and I had a conversation about having a relationship with another woman. I had been doing some research, so I had discovered that a relationship with another woman was not necessarily supposed to be like the relationship with a man. That there were different aspects. I talked about our relationship not having to be centered on the same things the relationship with our honey was, because we were women and could relate differently.
I went back to visit for Christmas and I spoiled the crap out of both of them. I spent equally, but both were spoiled because that is what I do for my partners. The visit was tense because there was some arguing.. between Bennet and me, between him and Cace. But we kinda pushed it aside to have our time together.
I left and came back for New Years and it was completely different. Her children were there. Up to this point she had been saying that multiple mommies were great because that just provided more love for the children, but during this visit Cace disagreed with basically everything I did with the kids.
She and he were arguing like cats and dogs. I explained to both of them separately and together that I did not want to get in the middle of their arguments.
Anyway, I got sick and my one-week visit extended to three weeks. Cace had said that there were some serious issues she needed to discuss with both of us. The night that we had a threesome, she'd got up and left when it was my turn to be the focus. And while I was there they had snuck off to have sex while I was sleeping on the couch, which is against our rules. So my visit was strained, to say the least. I was definitely feeling that Cace wanted a monogamous relationship with him and no relationship with me.
When I left the communication between Cace and me was limited. I was discussing my concerns with Bennet. I voiced them to her as well. He said he would talk to her.
The night he talked to her. About a week ago, she called me. She explained to me that she didn't want to be with another woman intimately. She couldn't wrap her head around it. She just wanted to be my best friend. She and I could be intimate with shopping and talking and other things. I said that wouldn't work, because sex is supremely important to her, and if she and I couldn't be intimate there would never be that softness between us, and that what she had expressed she wanted. A vee was not what we had signed up for. It was not enough for me to just be her best friend. I even asked her what about the two of us on separate couches? That had been successful before, so she and I could have intimate occasions/time together. She said no.
continued
Three years ago we fell into a poly relationship. Bennet and I have been together on and off for 13 years and have known each other for well over 20. He had ended the relationship with me for various reasons and we were still talking.
He wanted a FB and asked a friend to find him one. He started seeing Cace. They became a couple. He fell in love with her. But he still loved me. He broke up with her.
(I had slept with him while he was with her, before I met her. With his and my relationship this had occurred before, so I didn't feel bad about it until after I met her.)
Well, Bennet broke up with Cace and he and I were not back together. He was spending time with me when I would go visit, and time with her when I was away. Everything was pretty much separate. This was before the poly ever started. Then he began seeing a new younger girl. He changed many of his behaviors for acceptance from her.
One night, both Caceand I were there. I said to her, "Why don't you and I be with him?" So we said that to him, and we were off and running. None of us had given it any thought as to how we would really feel. I know I had just considered that it would be like when she and I were seeing him separately. But boy, was I wrong. We had all sorts of issues and problems.
That was the beginning. At that stage I was still very monogamy-minded. I had an extremely hard time with them having sex. But the 3 of us had good times together. This stage lasted for a couple of months. I just couldn't handle it. So we broke up with her.
At the same time, we moved, and I started a job working midnight shift. About a month after that, Bennet started sleeping with Cace again and not talking to me. I found out when he was working out of town my text messages went to a number I didn't know. Looking back, I understand a lot more, because he had fallen in love with her, and couldn't just walk away.
Then he asked to have her move in. I was very honest and explained I wasn't comfortable with it. They both agreed that they would not have sex until I was comfortable with it. I was extremely naive.
Basically, she got all of his time, because I was sleeping during the day and working all night. But I wanted to be the primary.. so I would make him promise me things. I wanted a hierarchy. I didn't really want a poly relationship. Things continued this way for almost 6 months.
He couldn't take the tension, and told both of us to get the f out. I did. She stayed. He made her leave, according to what I was told. Then he was seeing both of us and telling me he was only seeing me. At one point he wanted me to move back in. I agreed I would move back in if he would stop seeing her entirely for 3-4 weeks, but he couldn't, so I didn't move back.
I started to examine how I felt about her. Instead of looking at her as his partner I started to consider how I would feel about always having a second partner with him, and realized that that was what I wanted.
I had moved out in October. I had promised him that I would move back in December. He was still seeing both of us separately. This entire time she had been saying that she really wanted this, that it was me that didn't want it, and she was fully on board.
I got sick in Dec 2009. The 3 of us were supposed to have a "friends" New Years and it didn't happen. But in late January I went and the 3 of us spent time together. I talked to her about the three of us being together, that I would never be with just him alone again. We agreed to try again with the 3 of us.
Then in March her mom came to California. The 3 of us met at a hotel with her children. Cace didn't want me to meet her mother, not even as her friend. This was very upsetting. It made me feel excluded. It was not possible to talk about anything with her kids there. So that day after they left to meet with her mom I left and returned home, because I didn't want to argue in front of her children..
In June we all met for a wine festival weekend. Things were even worse. In July I went up there. We had a campground for a week and a half. Things came to a head. Cace and I were talking about some issues. She and I were on thin ice. Then something happened between Bennet and Cace, and he told her to leave, which she did. Her children were there with us. She went home with her children.
During that month I was asking her what she really wanted from a relationship. Bennet and I talked exhaustively about what we wanted from a poly relationship. We did a lot of internet research. We set some guidelines as to what we were seeking.
Cace convinced him, and then the two of them convinced me that we should try again. She agreed to a triad. We all did agreed that we would share sex and include each other in what was happening in our lives. We ground rules. We would all be equal in the relationship. We would share.
I left at the beginning of August to go back to school for a semester, to get a job, so we could move forward with our plan of all of us moving to the bay and living together. We had all agreed to get our own stuff together so when this happened we could lead more care-free lives.
In October I went to visit. Cace admitted that when I was at the casino, she had not wanted the three of us. She just wanted a relationship with Bennet. She was having a hard time considering sex with me, because we had discussed in July that since sex had been such an issue that we would invite the 3rd partner for sex, like, "The two of us are horny and are going to have sex. Would you like to come watch and/or play?" We had already had a number of threesomes at this point.
During this visit, we all went out and had a great time. Both of them were drinking. I was the DD. But when we got home, I was able to enjoy some beers and we had a beautiful threesome, or it was beautiful to me. I was able to pleasure her with him. When it was my turn, it turned sour, but that was ok, because we had just had a beautiful thing.
The next day she told us that she was completely freaked out about it. We didn't change the rule about inviting the third. I just knew that things would be slow with Cace and me.
One night, she and I were on different couches and pleasured ourselves, which was also very nice. She said that she enjoyed it too. I was thinking this is great, this is progressing nicely.
On this visit she and I had a conversation about having a relationship with another woman. I had been doing some research, so I had discovered that a relationship with another woman was not necessarily supposed to be like the relationship with a man. That there were different aspects. I talked about our relationship not having to be centered on the same things the relationship with our honey was, because we were women and could relate differently.
I went back to visit for Christmas and I spoiled the crap out of both of them. I spent equally, but both were spoiled because that is what I do for my partners. The visit was tense because there was some arguing.. between Bennet and me, between him and Cace. But we kinda pushed it aside to have our time together.
I left and came back for New Years and it was completely different. Her children were there. Up to this point she had been saying that multiple mommies were great because that just provided more love for the children, but during this visit Cace disagreed with basically everything I did with the kids.
She and he were arguing like cats and dogs. I explained to both of them separately and together that I did not want to get in the middle of their arguments.
Anyway, I got sick and my one-week visit extended to three weeks. Cace had said that there were some serious issues she needed to discuss with both of us. The night that we had a threesome, she'd got up and left when it was my turn to be the focus. And while I was there they had snuck off to have sex while I was sleeping on the couch, which is against our rules. So my visit was strained, to say the least. I was definitely feeling that Cace wanted a monogamous relationship with him and no relationship with me.
When I left the communication between Cace and me was limited. I was discussing my concerns with Bennet. I voiced them to her as well. He said he would talk to her.
The night he talked to her. About a week ago, she called me. She explained to me that she didn't want to be with another woman intimately. She couldn't wrap her head around it. She just wanted to be my best friend. She and I could be intimate with shopping and talking and other things. I said that wouldn't work, because sex is supremely important to her, and if she and I couldn't be intimate there would never be that softness between us, and that what she had expressed she wanted. A vee was not what we had signed up for. It was not enough for me to just be her best friend. I even asked her what about the two of us on separate couches? That had been successful before, so she and I could have intimate occasions/time together. She said no.
continued
