"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies: Merged threads/General discussion

I'm in a DADT situation. It's not my ideal, but it is what my husband feels most comfortable with. I'm the one who feels the need for relationships outside our marriage. He doesn't. I dislike how it attempts to limit my ability to be emotionally attached to someone else, and to treat them like a part of my life. My husband works a lot, and doesn't come home until late, so I have plenty of time to give to someone, and hubby is good about never seeking evidence, or asking me where I've been. (I don't stay out all night.) It is also understood that if someone comes along that I feel real emotions for, I will want to change the gameplan.

I agree with the statement that this will work well until it doesn't. It definitely isn't how I want things to stay, but we only opened our marriage a year ago, so I am looking at this as growing pains, not our ultimate destination.
 
Wow, much more to DADT than I thought. Dirty secret definitely doesn't apply to H or E. I need to rethink how I've been describing it.

I guess I'd say that what I've been calling our DADT relationship centers on privacy, not secrecy. J knows that when I "have plans" it's with one of them, but there are no questions or recaps of the evening.

Given that all of us have children (not together), combining our families by living together has been mutually determined not to be an option. I guess E, H and I enjoy our relationships without feeling a need to take it further than it is.

So then, I guess I don't know what we are? I thought DADT described it pretty accurately!
 
No, that is not DADT. You just respect the privacy of your partners.

I have a similar situation. Butch knows where I am, and vice versa, but as for the details, they are kept private.
 
I kind of had a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. I wasn't allowed to do a number of things in my past marriage. I did them anyway. I didn't try very hard to hide anything. For instance, I was not allowed to go to bars, drink outside of the house, or smoke, but I would frequently come home from the bars smelling like an ashtray and booze. He never asked about it. I wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend, but I went out with my girlfriend all the time, often staying out until 4 am, and he never questioned it.
 
J does not want to know anything about Nate's other partners, or when he has sex with someone new, or sees someone new. So they really do have a DATD because they both discussed this and this was her choice.
 
Dagferi said:
No, that is not DADT. You just respect the privacy of your partners.
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Exactly. There's a world of difference between, "I don't want to know the details of what your partner is like in bed," and "Umm... so, I can go out with you, but I can't stay out long, and if she calls, be quiet, okay? I told her I was going to Costco."

The first is respectful of a partner's needs; the second is very disrespectful of mine.
 
Inyourendo said:
I kind of had a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. I wasn't allowed to do a number of things in my past marriage. I did them anyway... he never questioned it.
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That must have been very difficult. When you say you weren't "allowed," it makes me think of an abusive, or at least controlling and manipulative situation. Would you agree with that assessment? Or were these more like requests made by your spouse, and you agreed (albeit reluctantly) to abide by these "rules?"

Like, Gralson has expressed a very strong preference for me to not acquire a snake. Being as we share the house, it's not like he's just limiting my behaviour or putting rules on me as a person. It's his house too, and he has the right to live in a house without snakes, if that's his preference. Between the options of "live without a snake" or "live without my husband," I agree to "no snake."

I tried to think of a more "person-behaviour" type example, but we really don't swing that way. We respect one another's autonomy, at least in so far as it doesn't affect the other. E.g., if his spending starts to get out of control, I speak up, because it affects my own financial security, too.
 
Yep. He was abusive and controlling. Like, one time I decided I wanted some cigs and I bought a pack. He took them and crumbled them up. He truly treated me like property. IDK why I stayed so long. I watched my mom get beat up my whole childhood, so I guess I didn't really see his behavior as abusive at the time. I had to beg for a Monroe piercing, and forget about getting more tattoos.
 
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