Don't know what to do

[almostladylike]

I'm sorry, this has to start with a little background information. For the last month I've been having an issue with my tonsils. They are huge and it's effected my sleep. For awhile I was getting no actual rest when sleeping and was constantly running on fumes. My partner got a wedge for me to sleep at an angle and that's allowing me to sleep a little better. I have surgery scheduled to get the tonsils out, but not until April 14th.

We've (my partner and I) been talking constantly about how my health and sleeping issues are impacting my emotional energy and I'm starting everyday with few spoons than I need to actual be a functional adult. So I'm stressed because there is a bunch of stuff that needs to get done, but I have to prioritize because I can do so little in a day besides work and taking care of my son and our relationship. I'm scared and stressed about the surgery and recovery, which everyone keeps saying is really painful and long (like a whole week of the worst sore throat you've ever had). I'm stressed because we're very busy the next few weeks, with lots of social obligations and a crap ton of things to get done around the house before we host a party that's been planned for 2 months.

Throughout our 2 1/2 year relationship, we've been poly, though only occasionally and for short periods of time has my partner been starting or in other relationships. I believe that polyamorous is the type of relationship that I want and was totally on board until he started talking to his first potential partner. It's like years of shame trauma and insecurities exploded inside me and it's been a struggle to work through them the past couple years. I also struggle with depression and anxiety, which helps none of this. I am seeing a counselor now, but she doesn't really understand poly or have much experience with it. In January, I had an epiphany that shame was causing a lot of my insecurity issues and it was like a fog lifted. My partner started talking to someone right about that same time and while I struggled, it wasn't nearly to the degree as previous times (panic attacks, sobbing for hours, anger, and once even some self-harm). I was able to feel a twinge and go talk to him or get a hug and then let that twinge of fear or jealousy go. When he saw the person, I was okay. Anxious, but okay, so we thought I was finally going to be closer to compersion soon. That relationship ended up not working out (another long complicated poly story) and then my throat stuff started happening so now I have so much less bandwidth.

Last night my partner tells me he's started to talk to someone new and I am not reacting well. I don't think that I can take on the additional burden of having to work on my insecurities and anxiety on top of everything else. I don't know where I'm going to get the spoons to add this stuff on. I know, logically, that I have very little say in his relationships and that I have no right to ask him not to do this (though I did and have since rescinded that). Logically I believe all the things about respecting our partners choices, but emotionally I'm broken. I can't handle all of this stress, I'm not strong enough to do this. I'm hurt that he reached out to a person by choice knowing how much stress I'm under. He says it didn't click that maybe it wasn't the best time. But once I clearly stated how I felt and how it wasn't a good time, he still is not willing to wait for a month. If he decides not to pursue this right now, he'll resent me. If he chooses getting to fuck someone else he just started talking to yesterday over my mental health, I'll resent him. I've stated that I need his support until after the surgery/recovery and that I literally do not have the emotional energy to deal with each twinge of jealousy or anxiety attack the way that I should and was previously.

So our needs are at odds and to me the solution is to end our relationship. I can see the next month being hell. Constant anxiety, crying and sobbing for hours, dissociating, and feeling angry the whole time. I can't live like that. I also can't be in a relationship where he'll resent me.

The problem is I don't know what to do. Do I suck it up and live in hell so he can be happy or do end our relationship? I just don't have anywhere to go, so I feel stuck. I don't want to end our relationship, he's the best partner I could have asked for. He wants to communicate and understand and grow with me. He cares about me and does his best to meet my needs. I love him so much and we make an amazing team. But this might break us. Which is stupid. Is it fair to ask him to wait for a month? Is it a reasonable expectation that sometimes it isn't the right time to start something new?

Thank you for taking the time to read this ramble and an extra thank you for anything you are able to reply with.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello almostladylike,

Maybe you should tell your partner to not do anything polyamorous until you have recovered from your tonsil surgery. That should be about a month from now, I don't think it'll kill him to hold off from doing anything poly for a month. But you say he is not willing to do that. I guess you need to know where/how to get extra spoons so you can deal with this. I do not know how to help you with that, all I can do is lend a listening ear and some empathy. I do think your partner is treating you really badly in this time of need. I want to say break up with him, but where do get the spoons to do that? I don't know, maybe it would still be better than the alternative -- a month of augmented hell.

I don't think a month break from poly is just a want for you. It is a need, and he is not trying to meet that need. Maybe tell him to give you that month or you will break up with him -- although if you are going to lay an ultimatum on the table, you must be prepared to follow through. I admit it would be a shame to break up over a one-month interlude, but I also can't believe he is treating you this badly right now. Yes you have a right to ask him to do better. I don't have any other thoughts right now, but maybe I will think of something later. I feel really bad that you are going through this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think he's wise not to halt polyamory because you can't handle it. It sets a bad precedent. You'll think anytime you struggle, it should be paused again. I'd advise him to stick to this choice.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

It's like you are spinning anxiety wheels all over the place. BREATHE. Slow down some.

Kinda wondering why you leap to breaking up to reduce your stress? Rather than cut out the easy stuff first?

It's like you have run away anxiety in the driver's seat fueling fear and doom rather than YOU in the driver's seat fueling calm and coping.

When he saw the person, I was okay. Anxious, but okay, so we thought I was finally going to be closer to compersion soon.

Compersion is not a requirement.

But I wanted to lift this up -- even though that relationship fizzled? You were less anxious.

Do you notice good things? Or latch on to the doom things and run off with them?

I can see the next month being hell. Constant anxiety, crying and sobbing for hours, dissociating, and feeling angry the whole time. I can't live like that. I also can't be in a relationship where he'll resent me.

To me this sounds like an anxiety and doom talk combo. Does this type of thinking ADD or TAKE AWAY from your stress?

What if he goes on a date and fizzles before your surgery date even rolls around? And the month is boring PITA with the healing time? Like sore throat ugh, but otherwise hohum?

I'm stressed because we're very busy the next few weeks, with lots of social obligations and a crap ton of things to get done around the house before we host a party that's been planned for 2 months.

So be less busy. And let some of the house crap sit.

Cancel the social obligations and cancel outright or reschedule the party.

• "I'm so sorry. I have to change my RSVP to "No, with regrets" due to my surgery date"
• "I'm so sorry. I have to cancel the party due to my surgery date. I will reschedule once I'm well."

are both perfectly valid. You are preparing for surgery and then recovery.

If not now, when do you STOP to make space for YOU then? When you are dead?

Why do you have to run around like a super hero social butterfly doing so many extra things right now?

You said it yourself.

You need to prioritize work, parenting, and surgery recovery, and your relationship things. If it is not one of those? Don't do it. Reduce.

Eat on paper plates and skip washing dishes.

Eat frozen food and skip cooking.

YKWIM? Trim some sails.

Do you need to set up a Give in Kind meal and care train? There are other website but that is one.

I'm scared and stressed about the surgery and recovery, which everyone keeps saying is really painful and long (like a whole week of the worst sore throat you've ever had).

How about changing away from doom stories to COPING strategies? Reading about ice, ice cream, pain meds, and other healing/recovery protocols for tonsils out?

He says it didn't click that maybe it wasn't the best time. But once I clearly stated how I felt and how it wasn't a good time, he still is not willing to wait for a month.

Ok. He is not willing to pause his dating life entirely.

What IS he willing to do? If before he dated 2x a week, is he willing to scale down to 1x per week for April, and devote the extra time to the new surgery/recovery chores? Like maybe spend the time cooking some meals ahead for the family in the fridge and freezer?

If he chooses getting to fuck someone else he just started talking to yesterday over my mental health, I'll resent him. I've stated that I need his support until after the surgery/recovery and that I literally do not have the emotional energy to deal with each twinge of jealousy or anxiety attack the way that I should and was previously.

This sounds like you thought yourself into a resentment circle.

How about you stop going round and round about maybe feeling this and that? And instead you start to reframe things to what ACTIONS are possible?

Can you cancel the social obligations and party?

What KIND of support can he give?

• Deal with the parenting?
• Cooking ahead?
• Being in charge of hiring a temp maid?

In your normal life are you carrying too much mental load? Is that where some of this overwhelm/pressure is coming from? And you need him to step it up as project manager while you are down for a time?

Cuz asking him not to date? Well, what if he goes golfing? He's not dating for a month. It meets your request.

But he's still not helping you with the prep for surgery and taking on some of the mental load, huh?

Ask for the ACTUAL SUPPORT ACTIONS you need. You cannot be doing everything.

I don't want to end our relationship, he's the best partner I could have asked for. He wants to communicate and understand and grow with me. He cares about me and does his best to meet my needs. I love him so much and we make an amazing team.

Great! Then work as an amazing team to deal with this recovery stuff in April.

Make an action list.

But this might break us. Which is stupid. Is it fair to ask him to wait for a month? Is it a reasonable expectation that sometimes it isn't the right time to start something new?

Why does this have to break you two?

If both of you are working hard and dealing with stress with this surgery thing?

In your action plan... Don't each of you ALSO need rest and a break from health stuff?

• He can't go have a coffee date out? With a friend or a new potential just to air out?
• Don't you need same? Prob not coffee. But can you have an ice-cream date IN -- a friend or someone to bring you a nice cold ice cream and visit?
• Playdates for son so he also gets a break?

The poly thing? It's a work in progress and you JUST had the shame thing realization. All that is gonna take a bit, but you DID make progress and were less anxious after that epiphany.

This surgery? I get tonsils being removed is scary and anxious. But... it's tonsils. Many of those get removed and people turn out ok.

I could be wrong but the underlying theme here is anxiety, either/or thinking rather than both/and and looooots of doom talking yourself into upset.

I have anxiety. Just reading your post made me go "Whoa!" and I had to step away and come back.

If you feel up to reading during recovery or maybe after? Maybe you want to read the "Feeling Good" Handbook and think about talking to a doc about your anxiety management in other ways.

Your anxiety sounds really BIG and WHOOSHY.

Which then makes everything else harder. YKWIM?

You cannot solve everything tomorrow.

• But you CAN cancel all those social things tomorrow. Just nope right on outta those.
• You CAN talk to spouse about ordering pizza Friday nite to free up some time since you don't have to make dinner. And begin talking about ACTIONS for your recovery window. You will do X, he will do Y, Z can just be ignored, etc. You might not finish but you can get that health recovery / chores/ house / childcare plan STARTED.

And maybe that starts to take some of the stress level down?

Spending too much time in your head or in your feels?

Sometimes it's better to move on to constructive actions rather than chasing "What if this? What if that?" doom-y stuff.

Hang in there. I hope the surgery and healing are as smooth as possible for you.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

My perspective on surgery (not tonsils though) is that the dread I felt beforehand was much worse than the actual experience and recovery. I was so filled with anxiety for the whole month before my surgery...and then it was over and I could just focus on the recovery. Such a relief.

People have their tonsils removed all the time. No, it's not fun. But they recover and get back to normal. It's something to get through...and then it will be over. It won't be forever.

Maybe try to anticipate the time when this is all behind you, rather than focusing on your fears about the recovery.

 

[RosesAreRainbow]

I just wanted to address your anxiety for post-surgery. I'm a nurse. I used to work with kids who went through tonsil surgeries. It doesn't have to be the hell of recovery you envision. It will be hardest for about 3 days, then it will get better. If you tell your doctor ahead of time about your anxiety, you can get a short prescription for some anti-anxiety meds to get you through the pre-op and past the first 3 days. I'm thinking something like Valium before the surgery, and something for afterwards. (Disclaimer I'm NOT a doctor and cannot give "official" medical advice, but I can provide education, which is what I'm doing now.) As far as pain goes-- anxiety makes pain much worse. There are also good pain meds available that you can take then then wean off of after the first 3 days. In my kiddo patients they took a liquid form of Percocet (Tylenol with Codeine) and it worked great together. There is something called "Miracle Mouthwash" that has various things that you can swish and it makes your mouth and throat feel much better. Ice cream is very soothing. If you like ice cream, live it up during this time! Creamy soups are good, and mashed potatoes with gravy are heavenly. You'll be okay. HUGS