Don't know what to do

N

Niamh

New member
Hey everyone. I'm new here so be gentle!
My husband has recently told me he would like us to have some kind of poly relationship. I've always known he had an interest but he'd never entirely said he'd want that for us.
I'm bisexual and open to certain things, we've had threesomes etc. But the thought of him loving another woman makes me feel physically sick.
I do love him a lot and we do have a good relationship however I just don't know if I've got what it takes to give him everything he wants.
I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has any pearls of wisdom on the matter.
Thank you
N x
 
I would suggest you start with a look around in the "golden nuggets" part of the forum here.

And two books will help. (maybe read with your Husband) -

The Ethical Slut
Sex at Dawn
 
That's great thank you. I shall have a look!
And I believe he's bought one of those already - a good start!!
 
Don't do anything you don't want to do. Just because your husband wants to have multiple relationships doesn't mean you have to agree with it. If you aren't willing and he's adamant you guys could always part ways.

But you might find that you enjoy having a boyfriend of your own so perhaps this could be a fun change for you as well
 
Inyourendo said:
Don't do anything you don't want to do. Just because your husband wants to have multiple relationships doesn't mean you have to agree with it. If you aren't willing and he's adamant you guys could always part ways.

But you might find that you enjoy having a boyfriend of your own so perhaps this could be a fun change for you as well
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I'm going to guess that hubby has a one penis policy and is primarily interested in finding a girl that they can share.

Will he allow you to have a boyfriend? Ask him this directly and ASAP. If his answer is no, you guys have many challenges to overcome. The least of which is loving others.
 
graviton said:
I'm going to guess that hubby has a one penis policy and is primarily interested in finding a girl that they can share.

Will he allow you to have a boyfriend? Ask him this directly and ASAP. If his answer is no, you guys have many challenges to overcome. The least of which is loving others.
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Eh fair is fair. *IF* OP is willing to venture into poly I would insist that she have equal rights. If he wants a girlfriend then she gets a boyfriend. If he wants a one penis policy then no dice.
 
And none of that bullshit where he starts fucking women but the second you meet someone he decides he doesn't want to do poly anymore.
 
More Than Two is a website and a new book. They can help you make an informed decision.

I see no indication the husband here has a OPP. I also don't know if Niamh wants to date anyone, men, women or in between. Of course, if her h is free to date whomever he pleases, she should be too. Or she can choose to be mono while her h starts dating. Or she can leave and be single, or find a mono gf or bf of her own.
 
No pearls of wisdom but I suggest lots and lots of talking about everything and anything before venturing forward with a poly relationship till you are both 99% comfortable and 100% trusting in the situation and eachother. Nothing needs to be rushed xx
 
Thanks for the replies!
Well he wants us to have a shared girlfriend really. He says he's unsure how he'd feel about me having a boyfriend until it happened. But I have no interest in that anyway. The concept of a girlfriend is ok to a point. The sex side is fine with me, it's any other kind intimacy that sends me into a blind panic and I don't know how to stop that.
He's very much saying it needs to be a shared thing and that me and him staying together is the most important thing and that if I'm not happy with it then we won't do it.
My problem really I suppose is guilt of not really wanting it at all and therefore his wishes being ignored essentially and my deep seated self esteem issues are really not helping.
I just feel hurt by him wanting to bring someone else into an otherwise very good relationship and I'm struggling to get my head around it all I suppose.
Sorry for rambling :/
 
if you don't want it then I strongly urge you not to do it because this could potentially end your marriage
 
OK, just so you know, the relationship form your h is suggesting is absolutely the worst way to go about being poly.

It is called Unicorn Hunting, and is 99% sure to fail, if you ever even do find a woman who wants to be with a married couple, for more than a drunken threesome.

Read this, or more importantly, have your h read this article, as it lays out in great detail how bad of an idea unicorn hunting is. "So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?"

http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

Short version, it reeks of couple privilege, disrespects the woman he hopes will love and lust for both of you equally. And if he does fall in love with her, but you can't take it, or she doesn't love or lust for you after all, and you veto it the whole shebang, everyone will end up hurt.

But I know you are dealing with the hard work of imagining your husband loving another could ever be bearable, much less enjoyable for you. Your h is trying to put a bandaid on your feelings, but let him think... if you're already going nuts that he loves this hypothetical woman, would it really help you to watch the 2 of them fucking?
 
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I'm in a similar predicament in my own relationship, is there already someone your husband has picked or is seeing or are you planning on looking tigether one you have discussed as you mentioned he'd be happy not to do it, I couldn't tell if you already had someone with you saying you were already bi etc ?
 
Hi polyguy80
We've met various couples/women through swinging and recently one woman was to become my girlfriend which is what has started this whole thing off. I'm fine with seeing people for sex, it's anything more that I'm uncomfortable with, whether that's him or me. He saw this woman as being the 'unicorn'. The whole situation freaked me out massively and I couldn't cope with how attached he was getting to her. I wasn't, for me was just sex. ive basically said I don't want to see at all anymore.
Do you have an extra person?
I'm so intrigued by it all. I keep hoping I will suddenly be ok with the idea!
 
Thanks magdlyn, I've started reading the link, I shall continue!!
I think I'd rather be there joining in than sat at home crying about what they're doing :/
 
Yes we are very similar, I have a gf and my wife has her own relationships, occasionally we overlap but not in a permanent kind of way. I'm not really in a position to offer a lot of advice but my wife was very anti it when we started and I think she'd be the first to say now that rules and limits are what caused us the most problems and things naturally developed slower and easier if there are some red lines but in general we are able to explore what we each want with the security of the core relationship. Just seems to work for us anywey !!!!!!!
 
graviton said:
if you don't want it then I strongly urge you not to do it because this could potentially end your marriage
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But how should someone know what they want without knowing what it is really about and having tried it? Does the 'physically' thick feeling go away? Under what circumstances?

For me it went away at the moment my wife confessed her love to another man but I still saw the love to me in her eyes. The remaining feelings of unsureness are just a matter of time and getting used to it - and her caring, of course.

Surely there is a risk in loosing the so called 'core' relationship. But being monogamous is also no guaranty. Him feeling restricted might end the marriage as well.
 
I agree with what the last poster said, I think it was fear of the unknown that was worse for us than actually trying it. Though we started having our own relationships we are exploring connecting our partners up a bit more now. It was hard the first time seeing my wife with someone new but I now get a lot of pleasure discussing it and finding out what a nice time she had and it's made our own life better as we are putting more energy into each other too than we didd before, was painful for a while but we had to try or we would have broken up I think and didnt want that to happen
 
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