Don't Like Wife's New Partner
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SchrodingersCat
Active member
I was imagining someone is breaking things at my home. My home is my refuge.
Valid point. Then again, I'm not the kind of person who takes in stray humans.
Letting people stay with you without a specific action plan for healing is just enabling, not helping. This isn't like someone escaping an abusive relationship who needs to get out now and can figure out the details when their safety is assured.
Staying with this family doesn't seem to be getting this kid any closer to getting his life together. Allowing him to throw those tantrums only reinforces the notion that this behaviour is acceptable. 100% enabling, 0% helping.
Especially since it's not like this kid is out on the street. His room mate is in hospital, yeah? So he has an apartment, it's just not convenient to his school, and he's lonely all by himself. But if his life is falling apart so badly, why is he still trying to do school? Maybe he would benefit from taking the rest of the semester off to get his life together, and come back when he's in a place that he can be fully present in class so he's actually getting something out of it.
I can see the draw of broken people getting solace from other broken people, but get that connection in a group therapy session, and then go home and surround yourself with healthy people who can model healthy behaviour. Surrounding yourself with more broken people only normalizes the brokenness, and does nothing to get you closer to healing. It's part of reason why the cycle of abuse is so hard to break.
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The "other partner" in this case is still in high school. In college, it's usually possible to arrange to take a semester off without losing credits or enrollment status, but a lot of high schools don't allow that. The few that I know of that make "leave of absence" allowances for students require parental agreement, or a statement from a parent or guardian that the leave is necessary...even if the student is over 18. An 18-year-old high school senior falls into kind of a gray area when it comes to what they can and can't do schoolwise, at least in the high schools where I've worked and the ones my kids have attended.
But regardless of with or without parental agreement... Different schools have different attendance requirements. Most of the schools I've been involved with just plain don't do "leave of absence." If you have to be out for medical reasons, or a long-term suspension or something, the school is legally obligated to send a tutor to keep you up on the assignments, and the tutoring sessions count as your attendance. Just plain not going to school for a term (high schools don't always operate on semester basis either; Country's does a trimester thing, and most others do quarters) usually isn't an option; if you aren't there, you're either truant or a dropout. And if you leave school for a period of time and don't qualify for homebound tutoring (which requires documentation of your suspension, or from doctors if it's a medical reason), you can't just go back and pick up where you left off; you have to repeat the entire year. So even though at this point "Bob" would be about halfway through his senior year, if he left, he would have to go back and re-enroll as a senior, and go through the same parts of the same classes he's already done.
At least that's how it works in the parts of the US where I've been involved with schools in any way (and I've been involved with homebound tutoring both as a tutor and as a parent of a child who needed brief homebound due to psychiatric hospitalizations). In other parts of the US, or other countries, it might be different.
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Pleiades
New member
SchrodingersCat
Active member
There's variation here too (Canada), ranging from 16 to 18 being the age where truancy laws cease to apply. But one of the fucked up things about the American health care system is that you're more likely to get help in jail than on the streets, so getting charged with truancy might not be the worst thing. At least someone might notice he needs help...
But this kid is also living with a room mate, meaning he must have achieved some kind of legal independence? That also changes things. Otherwise he's a runaway, in which case social services could be involved and he could be placed in foster care.
That said, if this kid is so mentally unstable that he's throwing things and is scared to be alone, he could very well have an undiagnosed mental illness and might consider checking himself in to a hospital for evaluation. If he's still a minor, his parents will get hit with the bill, so that's not his problem. That would pretty much solve everyone's problem: he'd get the help he obviously needs, he'd be out of this house causing stress to the husband, and he'd get the tutoring he needs to succeed at finishing school.
The craziest thing here is that this relationship is continuing. The kid is a minor, for one thing, and he's a mentally unstable minor to boot. This relationship is completely unethical. They took him in because he needed help, and then she began a relationship with him. In my books, that's 100% taking advantage of someone in a position of diminished capacity and is borderline criminal.
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That's the "gray area" I was talking about. The kid is 18, so he isn't a minor. He's legally an adult in all US jurisdictions (assuming they're even in the US), therefore legally able to live on his own and sign his own forms and such.
Except, in some cases, in schools. If he were still living with his parents, there would be no question, at least in the schools I'm familiar with; *despite* his being a legal adult, his parents would still have to give permission for certain school-related things. Since he isn't living with his parents and hasn't been for a while, from the sounds, I'm not entirely sure how that would work from the school's perspective.
But yeah... even though he is still in high school, so from the school's perspective things are hazy, he is not a minor and therefore can be legally responsible for himself in everything else. And if his parents have removed him from their health coverage, he would be liable for all medical bills he incurs, unless he first is approved for whatever form of government insurance is available in his area. (Medicaid is the one with which I'm most familiar for those with no or little income, but it's ridiculously hard to get approved for it.)
Except, in some cases, in schools. If he were still living with his parents, there would be no question, at least in the schools I'm familiar with; *despite* his being a legal adult, his parents would still have to give permission for certain school-related things. Since he isn't living with his parents and hasn't been for a while, from the sounds, I'm not entirely sure how that would work from the school's perspective.
But yeah... even though he is still in high school, so from the school's perspective things are hazy, he is not a minor and therefore can be legally responsible for himself in everything else. And if his parents have removed him from their health coverage, he would be liable for all medical bills he incurs, unless he first is approved for whatever form of government insurance is available in his area. (Medicaid is the one with which I'm most familiar for those with no or little income, but it's ridiculously hard to get approved for it.)
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Criminal? He is 18 and she is 20, so it's hardly criminal. An 18 year old guy who has thrown his cell phone against a wall isn't necessarily mentally ill. Everyone in this situation is young, foolish and delusional for sure, but "diminished capacity" and "criminal?" No.
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^This.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
I missed that she was only 20 (who the hell gets married that young? No wonder they're having so many problems.) I assumed that because they were married, they were older and in something of a position of care for someone who's coming out of abuse at home and bullying at school, making it unethical (in my opinion, by which I stand) to start a relationship with him. But she's probably in a similar boat, what with her history. Maybe "diminished capacity" is pushing it, but abuse fucks you up big time, and people who are abused all their lives and bullied in school are almost guaranteed to have some mental issues, especially if they haven't gone through therapy to deal with all the trauma. I did say that he was mentally unstable, and that he could be mentally ill, not that I was diagnosing him from here...
If he's still in school, isn't there counselling available there? Probably not the greatest, but better than nothing...
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I think that herein lies a big part of this messy station. All of the people involved are basically teenagers taking on way too many very adult responsibilites. Marriage and poly at age 20? WHY???
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Schools don't always have counseling available. And even if they claim to, sometimes it's worse than nothing.
Alt's high school (our town's public school) had guidance counselors and an "adjustment counselor", a/k/a social worker. The guidance counselors pretty much just dealt with getting the kids through their classes, making sure they were passing everything, and helping them choose what to do after high school. The adjustment counselor dealt mostly with kids who were in special education and had different social or emotional needs than the non-special ed students, and with kids who were either engaging in criminal behavior or came from homes in which there was criminal behavior, i.e. abuse.
In theory, they were supposed to do at least some counseling of other kinds, as well. In reality... Alt's guidance counselor told me *not* to tell Alt's teachers that they had mental illnesses because "you don't want to stigmatize her", and my attempts to have Alt referred to the adjustment counselor were met with stonewall refusals from the guidance counselor and administrators. After a while, Alt's anxiety and depression started impacting their attendance; they would force themself to go to school because of the attendance policy, but then would have an anxiety or panic attack in class, go to the nurse, and get sent home for the day. I kept getting calls from the guidance counselor and administrators telling me Alt was in danger of failing, and I kept saying, "She (at the time, Alt still identified as female) is in danger of failing because YOU KEEP SENDING HER HOME! If you're so frigging worried about her attendance, keep her in school!" (And yes, I yelled and swore.)
The guidance counselor was completely ineffective--and *she* was the only one "stigmatizing" Alt for having mental illnesses. The nurse didn't really know what to do; she could only operate based on Alt's physical symptoms, which included nausea and vomiting, which according to school policy was an automatic "go home."
For the last year of Alt's high school career, after my rant at the guidance counselor and administrator, every time she had an anxiety or panic attack, the school called me... and I went to school, sat with Alt, talked them down from whatever was going on, and pretty much gave the "professionals" a crash course on how to work with students who have mental health issues. Every time I went in, out of the nurse, guidance counselor, and assistant principal, I made whichever one(s) were available sit with us to see just how bloody easy it was to help Alt if someone actually TRIED instead of just sending them home. Which pissed me the fuck off, because as a parent it should NOT have been my job to teach professional educators or school staff how to work with students, but at least my kid graduated on time. After my rant, the administration and Alt's teachers (only one of whom complained about the situation) agreed Alt wouldn't be penalized for missing class time as long as they stayed in the school building and checked in with the teacher as soon as they were able, so the attendance policy of "if you miss a class three times in a grading period, you automatically fail" stopped applying to them.
One of Alt's friends is the same age as Country and has been in and out of psychiatric hospitalization for several years so is two grades behind Country and attends our town's school. (Country does not.) The friend told Alt that this year, the high school established an alternative class for kids whose mental health issues impact their ability to stay in class, so they aren't being penalized for something beyond their control. Even though Alt graduated in 2013, I would like to think she and I had something to do with that.
Alt's high school (our town's public school) had guidance counselors and an "adjustment counselor", a/k/a social worker. The guidance counselors pretty much just dealt with getting the kids through their classes, making sure they were passing everything, and helping them choose what to do after high school. The adjustment counselor dealt mostly with kids who were in special education and had different social or emotional needs than the non-special ed students, and with kids who were either engaging in criminal behavior or came from homes in which there was criminal behavior, i.e. abuse.
In theory, they were supposed to do at least some counseling of other kinds, as well. In reality... Alt's guidance counselor told me *not* to tell Alt's teachers that they had mental illnesses because "you don't want to stigmatize her", and my attempts to have Alt referred to the adjustment counselor were met with stonewall refusals from the guidance counselor and administrators. After a while, Alt's anxiety and depression started impacting their attendance; they would force themself to go to school because of the attendance policy, but then would have an anxiety or panic attack in class, go to the nurse, and get sent home for the day. I kept getting calls from the guidance counselor and administrators telling me Alt was in danger of failing, and I kept saying, "She (at the time, Alt still identified as female) is in danger of failing because YOU KEEP SENDING HER HOME! If you're so frigging worried about her attendance, keep her in school!" (And yes, I yelled and swore.)
The guidance counselor was completely ineffective--and *she* was the only one "stigmatizing" Alt for having mental illnesses. The nurse didn't really know what to do; she could only operate based on Alt's physical symptoms, which included nausea and vomiting, which according to school policy was an automatic "go home."
For the last year of Alt's high school career, after my rant at the guidance counselor and administrator, every time she had an anxiety or panic attack, the school called me... and I went to school, sat with Alt, talked them down from whatever was going on, and pretty much gave the "professionals" a crash course on how to work with students who have mental health issues. Every time I went in, out of the nurse, guidance counselor, and assistant principal, I made whichever one(s) were available sit with us to see just how bloody easy it was to help Alt if someone actually TRIED instead of just sending them home. Which pissed me the fuck off, because as a parent it should NOT have been my job to teach professional educators or school staff how to work with students, but at least my kid graduated on time. After my rant, the administration and Alt's teachers (only one of whom complained about the situation) agreed Alt wouldn't be penalized for missing class time as long as they stayed in the school building and checked in with the teacher as soon as they were able, so the attendance policy of "if you miss a class three times in a grading period, you automatically fail" stopped applying to them.
One of Alt's friends is the same age as Country and has been in and out of psychiatric hospitalization for several years so is two grades behind Country and attends our town's school. (Country does not.) The friend told Alt that this year, the high school established an alternative class for kids whose mental health issues impact their ability to stay in class, so they aren't being penalized for something beyond their control. Even though Alt graduated in 2013, I would like to think she and I had something to do with that.
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PinkPig
Well-known member
I agree with KC. In most areas of the US, mental health is not a priority. School counselors are usually there to help students with class schedules, apply to colleges, etc. My youngest teen's high school has one counselor covering the entire high school (350 students.) My older teen's high school has one per grade level, but at 400-500 students/grade level, the counselor only has time for the bare minimum. Even at the alternative high schools for at risk teens, there's still a ratio of 200:1 for counseling staff.
Bunnielight
Member
I know that you said you all came to a compromise, but I feel it worth posting that I agree with fallenangelia.
I respect your patience and sensitivity to your wife's needs. This situation is going to need that if she continues here. The age gap may not be very large but as FA pointed out, his worldly experience is damaged and very lacking. And he doesn't even know it, yet. Jumping into such an intimately complicated relationship straight out of high school, buh. The idea just makes me cringe.
The best thing I can suggest is to maintain a strong trust with your wife. She HAS to be completely honest about what's going on with Bob, otherwise this will just add to his problems. And now, therefore, yours.
Communication and patience is key here in order for everyone to come out unharmed.
Just my two cents.
Good luck to you.
I respect your patience and sensitivity to your wife's needs. This situation is going to need that if she continues here. The age gap may not be very large but as FA pointed out, his worldly experience is damaged and very lacking. And he doesn't even know it, yet. Jumping into such an intimately complicated relationship straight out of high school, buh.
The idea just makes me cringe.The best thing I can suggest is to maintain a strong trust with your wife. She HAS to be completely honest about what's going on with Bob, otherwise this will just add to his problems. And now, therefore, yours.
Communication and patience is key here in order for everyone to come out unharmed.
Just my two cents.
Good luck to you.