Dumped by Dom

S

SqueezeBoxx

New member
That's why I'm here. We were monogamous and had conversations about bringing in other partners but I thought we both decided we weren't ready to deal with potential jealousy and insecurity issues. Well, it appears he was exploring the options anyway. And since the breakup, and because of our dom/sub vibe, I haven't been interested in anything vanilla so I decided to explore the polyamarous way. But, now that I am preparing to take a leap, I wonder, maybe before I look elsewhere, if I should try to include him, or give him the option, since I know that he wanted to try it as well. I just wonder if this sounds like a desperate attempt to hang on to him, or if it makes sense to try to see if it is a viable option. The problem here, the residue left from being in such a relationship, leaves me with a sense of belonging to him that I can't shake. And although he betrayed me by cheating, I still love him and believe he loves me.

So am I just a foolish girl taking desperate measures? I am meeting with a poly dom this week to explore this possibility anyway, so do you think it is unhealthy to ask the ex If he'd like to try first?

I have no clue how this will work, will I be jealous? But I just don't have much success in the world of monogamy and I'm just searching for something new.
 
Welcome to the group. I Have little experience with the poly life but I think if you're interested you may as well look into it all. I suggest you pick up some reading materials to learn more about it, to check into ways to cope with jealousy, and also check this awesome forum for more info. Some good books I've read are "the ethical slut" (authors names have left me) and "opening up" by Tristan Taormino.

I think if you both have feelings for each other I don't see why you can't talk about where you want to take your future relationship. But remember your feelings of betrayal may linger...everyone copes differently.

All the best and welcome!
 
Love is not enough

It's entirely possible to love someone deeply and have that person not be good for us. Love by itself is not enough for a healthy relationship. Did he help make you the best possible version of yourself? (And not just as a sub - look at all facets of your life.) Did you offer the same support to be the best possible version of himself?

Look it's possible that he cheated once because he saw no other way forward. I'm not saying that is acceptable - he should have talked things over with you first and broken up with you if you two were just not compatible. But poly is really common in kink communities. It seems unlikely he didn't know there were other ways to have healthy relationships. He might have decided to get his dick wet and have the side benefit of that causing the end of your relationship. This happens where one person doesn't have the guts to pull the plug and so acts out to 'make' the other person do the deed. I can't tell if that scenario is likely in your case or not.

Getting back with him is a separate issue from if you want to explore polyamory for yourself. Was he good for you? Or was his presence in your life damaging to you? You can still love and miss him but if he wasn't a good fit for you, poly won't change that. He'll still be not the right partner for you.
 
I am sorry you are dealing in break up feelings... Hang in there!

I just wonder if this sounds like a desperate attempt to hang on to him
Click to expand...

You seem to know you are in the stages of grief post break up.

Cheating on you is not loving behavior.

Rather than jump too fast into poly or include him in your post break up life... How about spending some time on your own healing?

Esp with the kink context.... If you cannot trust him to keep agreements, do not place yourself in a position again where you trust him to take care of you/your life.

Galagirl
 
Well, his sister is in a polyamarous relationship. And we have always talked about it. I think he was trying to figure out a way to put it all together and it blew up. But yes, he treated me like a goddess, right up until the very second it was done. My life was easy. My job puts me in contact with many men, sometimes at odd hours and he was never jealous. He was so supportive and loving and kind and appreciative. It was a horrible thing he did.

I decided I wanted to see what it was all about, but then, the switch flipped, and I thought, well he loves me already, he knows what to do, I love him, and I know he wants to try this. And if I'm going to try it out, why not with him. I think I'll know pretty quickly if I can deal with it. I already bought 2 books recommended on this forum, and I was thinking about trying it anyway, so I figure, I've got nothing to lose really.

Thanks for all the support!
 
You sound like you are in the "bargaining" stage to me.

I encourage you to slow down. Heal first.

Remember that if you still want to continue with this plan with him after taking a break? When the break up isn't so fresh, you could still choose to do so.

Galagirl
 
You are 100% right! And I'm definitely bargaining. I am ashamed at how pathetic I have become. It's so hard to see clearly right now which is disappointing, because I am normally a confident, strong woman! I just feel weak inside.

But on the other hand, the prospect of it all is invigorating! And I love the dumb jerk.

I'm convincing myself now, I see.

I've got needs, urges, I don't want to run out and find any old body to sate me. Oh my goodness, I sound like a crazy person.
 
You are a grieving person enduring the emotional up and down of it until it settles. Just don't make any decisions while in mourning.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
Greetings SqueezeBoxx,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

The title of your thread/OP indicates that your Dom dumped you. If that's true, is it really up to you whether he'll take you back? You can ask him, I suppose. Though if it's true that he (cheated on you and then) dumped you, well, that wasn't very nice of him. Makes me think he's not such a great catch.

It takes time to get over a breakup. I'm not surprised you're having residual feelings of belonging to him. I think you have to give it time for that to eventually go away.

It's up to you of course, and you're much closer to the situation than me, so you know better than I what would be best. I'm just jotting down some of my initial thoughts.

Hope that helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Plenty of us have been in so called "poly" relationships where our lover claimed to love us, but went ahead and cheated or broke boundaries in other ways, or thought with their dicks, or acted generally in selfish, uncaring or even psychopathic ways.

As Gala Girl said, love isn't enough. And breakups suck, especially if the sex had been good and you're used to getting laid (tied up, spanked, given orders, etc) on a regular basis. Feeling betrayed by someone who claims to love us is the worst. They can act loving one minute, say "I love you," and then do something so unloving the next minute! It really fucks with one's head.

I'd recommend depending on family and friends right now as you heal. You'll feel more ready to make a decision about starting another relationship in a few months. Meantime, read about polyamory, and try to take long walks, go on a vacation, work out, eat nutritiously, heal.
 
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Really don't know how I ended up here, but I'm very glad I did.

It's quite nice to get support from strangers that don't know me. I am in a state of confusion and appreciate the insight. It's true, it's hard, and I have no idea what route I will take on this. But it has been nice to reach out here to people that can understand my plight.

Thanks everyone!
 
Hang in there with the grief process. Do your self care, TAKE TIME. Do not rush to jump into anything. Healing is the thing right now.

Galagirl
 
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