Ending a relationship

M

MtgNerd2016

New member
I'm preparing to possibly end my 16 year marriage. I've had enough of broken promises, broken agreements and manipulation. I don't see anything else to do except to leave it behind. Talking does absolutely no good. Anyhow, my question is when I leave is it ethical to let my husband's girlfriends know of the behavior I have been keeping secret from them? It directly affects them and the relationships/agreements they believe to have with him. Or do I keep his secrets and let them find out on their own what he's been doing behind their backs?
 
I think it depends on the relationship you have with these women (are they friends, or just women you know he's dating?) and your motivation for sharing (are you trying to protect them from something, or are you merely trying to hurt your soon-to-be-ex?).

Obviously I don't know much about your situation, but I'm not sure there's anything for you to gain here by throwing that fuel on the fire. I can see the appeal of putting the ex in a bad situation with these other women, but it probably won't make you feel better.
 
icesong said:
I think it depends on the relationship you have with these women (are they friends, or just women you know he's dating?) and your motivation for sharing (are you trying to protect them from something, or are you merely trying to hurt your soon-to-be-ex?).

Obviously I don't know much about your situation, but I'm not sure there's anything for you to gain here by throwing that fuel on the fire. I can see the appeal of putting the ex in a bad situation with these other women, but it probably won't make you feel better.
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One is a shared girlfriend who was a friend for about 12 years first. The other is his girlfriend that I have talked to but never met. Both being told they are the only other one besides me and he's fluid bonded to the shared girlfriend.
 
Tell and GTFO

Most of the time I'm a fan of staying out of things that don't concern me. However, there are exceptions. And this is one of them. If a shared partner is doing something that can impact health - and your metamours are not getting enough information to truly consent, then I lean towards telling them. And sooner rather than later.

Or you could tell him to tell them - or you will in a week's time. But if he is just untrustworthy, skip this step.

Do be prepared for them to possibly blame the messenger. They may not believe you. But all you can do - and IMHO all you can ethically do - is to tell them. Then your part is done. They are responsible for sorting out how they will respond.

Although you may also want to apologize for keeping secrets when you probably should not have.

Good luck!
 
If you keeping his secrets in the past helped him lie/manipulate the GFs and endanger their health and well being? You don't need to keep on being his accomplice in pulling the wool over their eyes. You could own YOUR part in the situation making and apologize to each. He can deal with owning his part or not.

Something short and sweet. Like....

"I need to make you aware that I am divorcing my husband for lies, deception and manipulation.

I also need to apologize to you for not coming forth sooner. I am so sorry. I allowed myself to become his accomplice in deception by staying silent. I was wrong to do that and I now regret I did not have the courage to speak up sooner. He disappointed me and instead of speaking up I disappointed myself.

There are not 3 people in this network. To my knowledge, there are at least 4 people. I am leaving him and I am getting my STD tests. I suggest you consider getting your own health screenings.

From now on, I will speak up sooner rather than ignoring a problem and hoping it all goes away. If there's a way to make amends for having been silent when I should have spoken up, please let me know. If you prefer never to speak to me again for having put your health at risk, I understand that.

Again, I am so sorry. I feel terrible about this. Thank you for your time."
​

Get it over with. Then move on knowing you did all you could do and you tied up all your loose ends.

And it's on the GFs now to decide what they want to do next.

Don't expect the soon to be ex-husband to be thrilled. Or the GFs. But hopefully you can be more at peace with yourself as you come back toward being more true to your values/personal ethics.

Galagirl

PS: The leaving time is sometimes a dangerous time. If he's a vindictive/revenge type, please be careful.
 
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Hi MtgNerd2016,

Re (from OP):
"Anyhow, my question is when I leave is it ethical to let my husband's girlfriends know of the behavior I have been keeping secret from them? It directly affects them and the relationships/agreements they believe to have with him. Or do I keep his secrets and let them find out on their own what he's been doing behind their backs?"
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That's a good question. I guess I tend to think do not tell them unless they ask you, but it really depends.

Re (from opalescent):
"Although you may also want to apologize for keeping secrets when you probably should not have."
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This is a good point. What was the rationale for keeping the secrets in the first place?
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi MtgNerd2016,

Re (from OP):


That's a good question. I guess I tend to think do not tell them unless they ask you, but it really depends.

Re (from opalescent):


This is a good point. What was the rationale for keeping the secrets in the first place?
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Honestly, I am just so tired of the crap and fighting the same losing battles over and over again. I've watched him do this to women time and time again. I've talked until I'm blue in the face about how wrong it is. I've renegotiated agreements a hundred times or more. I've agreed to things he asked for only to have him be the one to break it. I didn't have it in me to fight the battle again. Combine that with having it pounded into my brain when we were new to poly a few years ago that his relationships are none of my business, he can do whatever he wants, I'm not supposed to interfere etc etc etc and I was the silent spectator on the sidelines.
 
Hmmm ... sounds like he created a sort of atmosphere of dishonesty, a religion of dishonesty where simpler ethics were turned on their head. You are just now realizing that you can't live with these secrets anymore, regardless of whose "business" it is. If it's not your business, then you shouldn't have to participate in it ... but you did participate, he strong-armed you into participating. And now you would like to be free of participating in those "secrets" (those lies). I can understand that. Divorcing his secrets sort of goes with divorcing him. Am I on the right track?

I guess I'll emend my first post here and say that it does make more sense for you to tell these women what's been going on. Assuming I'm understanding your situation right, of course.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MtgNerd2016 said:
One is a shared girlfriend who was a friend for about 12 years first. The other is his girlfriend that I have talked to but never met. Both being told they are the only other one besides me and he's fluid bonded to the shared girlfriend.
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I'm curious, are you are continuing *your* relationship with the shared girlfriend? I would think in that case you'd definitely need to tell her - with a big apology for not doing it sooner - because otherwise it could poison your relationship with her.

The one you've never met is a tougher call... I might just tell her about the divorce, and give additional info if she asks why.
 
Combine that with having it pounded into my brain when we were new to poly a few years ago that his relationships are none of my business, he can do whatever he wants, I'm not supposed to interfere etc etc etc and I was the silent spectator on the sidelines.
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He can do whatever he wants and everyone else just has to take it? Even if he's hurting people? Ugh. That's messed up that he treats people like this.

I'm sorry you dealt with having him "pound stuff" into your brain -- that sounds like verbal abuse until you give up/become silent just to be free of it.

FWIW, I think you are right to leave this chronic poor treatment of you and others.

Keep going -- tie up your loose ends, be safe, and don't look back.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I knew someone in a vaguely similar situation -- she wasn't supposed to know her bf was screwing (among others) her best friend, & had been bullied into maintaining the lie.

At the breaking point, the two women were having lunch, & she casually said, "Poor Ted, he's been so distracted lately, what with the problems with Shelly."

Pause. "Who's Shelly?"

"Why, his girlfriend, of course. We have an open relationship, you know." She made a few more comments supporting poor ol' Ted, then continued on as if nothing had happened.

Interesting conversations ensued.

:D
 
GalaGirl said:
He can do whatever he wants and everyone else just has to take it? Even if he's hurting people? Ugh. That's messed up that he treats people like this.

I'm sorry you dealt with having him "pound stuff" into your brain -- that sounds like verbal abuse until you give up/become silent just to be free of it.

FWIW, I think you are right to leave this chronic poor treatment of you and others.

Keep going -- tie up your loose ends, be safe, and don't look back.

GL!
Galagirl
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No it wasn't him that kept telling me that over and over. It was other poly people on some fairly large sites and groups. Each time I would ask for support, ideas on how to talk to him etc. I was told it's none of my business, stop trying to manage his relationships, stay out of it, if he's not being honest it's not my concern to get in the middle of, I shouldn't even know what he's saying or doing in his other relationships etc. So I shut up and let it go.
 
Ohhh ... sorry you got that bad advice/feedback on the other sites/groups. I guess it happens ...
 
I've seen stuff like that. As if relationships are somehow independent. Or, knowing that a person is acting toward another in a toxic manner shouldn't ever be taken to mean she's capable of acting that way with anyone else.

Do you feel, MtgNerd2016, that he is somehow 100% truthful with YOU?

As for your (failed) advisors, I'll just say there's a HUGE difference between someone telling you "it sounds like a mess & maybe more trouble than you want if you were to get deeper into it," & "you are a Bad Person for even considering it."
 
Thank you for clarifying. I'm sorry you were treated that way on other forums.

Say you did leave his other relationships alone. But over here in the (you +him) relationship? It's not doing the (you + him) relationship any good knowing he's lying/manipulating other people. As you watch him do it to others, you probably eventually start wondering when/where he's he's lying or manipulating you as well.

I still think you are right to get away from all this dishonesty. Keep going and free yourself from all this yuck.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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