Equal value

[simplyjelly9458]

I'm still planning on having a talk with Alpha when I get home Friday night, but I just remembered something he once said when we first stepped into our relationship.
He already has a girlfriend of 4 years (calling her Cookie) and they have a baby who is almost two (calling her Tot).
When he was telling me a while back how much he felt for me for the first time, he said "I have to put Cookie first, and I have to put Tot first, but you are so important. I've reached a point where I would suffer for you, and if I'm standing by my own definition of the word, that means I love you," and I accepted and understood that they would come first to him, and I told him that I love him too...
But I came out about my relationship to my mom, and she keeps saying how their core will always come first, i will always come second, and never be the priority... And I've accepted that... Looking back, I accepted that the day Alpha told me he loved me... But it's just been sitting with me all day. Is that okay? Is it okay to accept not being on equal footing with Cookie? Will I never be on equal footing with her? Is it selfish of me to want to be of equal value even though I know there's valid reasons for him to put her before me?

 

[GalaGirl]

How do you measure value? By number of entanglements? By how you are treated? Something else?

It sounds like you are both important to him and he loves you both. And you sound like you were content until your mom started piling on her comments.

He has more entanglements with her -- a kid, finances, etc. that is true. But that does not does not mean he values you less.

How do you feel about this picture?

https://radicalscholarship.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/equity-vs-equality.jpg?w=800

Do you think you and Cookie have to have the same equal number of boxes? Or like you each could have the number of boxes you each need to be ok?

If you are getting what you need here, then yes. It is ok if Cookie has what she needs too even if it is different than what you get.

ARE you getting what you need here? Having a healthy concern for yourself and your well being is not being selfish.

Galagirl

 

[simplyjelly9458]

You're so wise, and you keep giving me a new and healthier perspective on these things. Thank you so much. I appreciate this more than you could know.

 

[GalaGirl]

You are welcome. Glad it helped some.

Hang in there til Friday.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi simplyjelly9458,

Re (from OP):

"Is it okay to accept not being on equal footing with Cookie?"

Perhaps. Some people don't mind being a secondary partner. It's really a matter of personal preference, and how important equal status is to you.

Re:

"Will I never be on equal footing with her?"

Not up to you or me. Only Alpha and Cookie can make that call.

Re:

"Is it selfish of me to want to be of equal value even though I know there's valid reasons for him to put her before me?"

What are these valid reasons? Tot? Seniority? I hope it's not fearfully sheltering the strength and stability of the original couple.

Hopefully on Friday you can get some clarification on what your status is (and what it means if you're secondary).

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[WhatHappened]

But I came out about my relationship to my mom, and she keeps saying how their core will always come first, i will always come second, and never be the priority...

Is that okay? Is it okay to accept not being on equal footing with Cookie? Will I never be on equal footing with her? Is it selfish of me to want to be of equal value even though I know there's valid reasons for him to put her before me?

My personal feeling is that it is generally going to affect our self view to put ourselves into a permanent situation of always being number two.

I can't speak to what you find acceptable, but can only relay my reasons for my choices, in a similar situation.

I was okay with not being XBF's priority, especially in the beginning, because 1. I'm quite self sufficient, 2. I have no desire to be married, 3. he did things that showed me how vitally important I was to him, major things.

After two years, the situation became unacceptable because:

1. The clear difference in how he met her every need vs. assuming I'd be just fine on my own became too great. After two years, that's not acceptable.

2. It became clear that she was unhappy with my continued presence in his life and she began doing things that made things difficult for us. It became clear that he valued his marriage more than truth, and that her being his priority meant I would be expected to take whatever crumbs she allowed. After two years, no, that's not acceptable. I had no intention of trying to replace her or break up their marriage, but I am not a toy to entertain him while she's occupied with other men. I am a human being, he promised me a real relationship, and I don't do crumbs.

3. I heard once too often about their plans to retire to a different state. He obviously wanted me to stay in his life 'forever,' but then casually talked about just packing up and leaving...with her. Not with me. After two years, no, that's not acceptable.

4. I began to realize that he prided her on her being so 'picky' but actually seemed to be implying I was demanding for expecting anything, myself. Sorry, no, I'm not something the cat dragged in, and I am not worth less than his wife.

I could list a number of other things. You really need to know what it looks like, in detail, for her to 'be his priority.' Is it simply a question of whether your needs get met? How do you know Cookie is going to be fine with this long term? XBF and his wife had had an open marriage for 15 years prior to me, but he'd never once had a long term, IRL actual relationship of any length--it scared her and she clearly wasn't prepared to let him really love someone else. What is the situation with Alpha and Cookie?

Have you really thought about what your needs and wants are long term?

Are they open or are you going to be the secret for the rest of your life if you stay with him?

There are many questions to be answered here. How old are you? How old are they? Have they ever had a poly relationship before? Have you? What do you want out of life?

My short answer is: no, it's not selfish of you to want to be someone's priority. Why in the world shouldn't you expect that in a relationship? You know the saying--never allow someone to be your priority while remaining their option. Why should you settle for less than his girlfriend gets? Why does she deserve to be a priority and you deserve whatever he can scrounge up? Would it be 'selfish' of her to accept that you are the priority and she can take what's left?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

It's ok if you say it's ok. It's not if you say it's not.

It seems to be a lot easier for people to accept a role that's less central when they have something else occupying that role in their own lives.

For example, my girlfriend and I both have husbands. We both have very busy school/work lives. She has kids and I'm a solitaire homebody. People who use such terminology would describe our relationship as secondary. But it works perfectly well for us because neither one of us has time or energy for more than that.

It's hard not to want more when you're trying to get all your needs met by a relationship, and the other person is getting most of their needs met elsewhere.

So my question for you is, what else fills your life? Are you looking to Alpha to be the centre of your romantic universe? Or are you willing to share your time around and find other people to get busy with, taking some of the pressure off him?

Bear in mind, the "central thing" doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Some people are married to their jobs. Some people are driven by charity work. Some people are obsessed with cosplay and attending every comic-con in the country.

At the end of the day, no external validation is required. Neither your mom nor strangers on the internet have the authority to determine whether you can be satisfied not having "equal value" with Cookie (whatever that may mean for you) is ok or not.