Erectile Dysfunction

B

B&JENM

New member
Hello.

I am married to Jay. My boyfriend is Dalton. Dalton and I have been dating for 5 months. We have done everything except intercourse, due to his erectile dysfunction (ED). Well, he has done things to me, anyway, since I can’t return the favor.

We think it’s psychological. He is able to get an erection just fine with his wife. He doesn't want to take meds, as he feels he wants to keep working through the source, whatever that is. He’s still trying to figure it out.

I know it’s irrational, but it leaves me feeling undesirable, unsexy, and almost dread getting sexy with him due to the disappointment he or I might feel.

I really enjoy him as a person, but I feel like his ED issue gets to me emotionally. Also I feel like it makes him less interrelated in sexy things, which in turn makes me feel like he doesn't want me like that. It hurts my feelings!

I haven’t dated other guys, because we talk a lot and I care about Dalton. Between him and Jay I don’t have much energy left to devote to another partner.

But going 5 months without being able to experience each other fully leaves me with a lot of emotions and thinking maybe Dalton and I should be platonic until he figures it out, and I look for a new partner to date.

I should add that Dalton and Jay get along great and I couldn’t ask for a better ENM partner, except for this issue.

It’s been a rollercoaster, guys. Thanks for listening. Really just looking for any words of wisdom.
 
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Can you accept it's perhaps not going to happen? Pushing for the result isn't going to help. Trying too hard to figure out the "psychological issue" likely doesn't help either. It may not even be possible to get to the root cause. Some issues are like that. Could be some remnant of monogamous programming, or something entirely different.

While it feels frustrating for you now, because this is not what you hoped for, you can have satisfying intimacy without erection. It's not like you're trying to conceive. It's not like you're married to him, and if he can't, you're never gonna have sex again. There's no real pressing issue in your case, except for you doubting yourself.

You can go platonic, or you can keep this great partner and just explore everything that can be done without PIV.
 
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Hi B&J,

If Dalton has no problems getting erect with his wife, then his ED with you is definitely psychological. Actually it's psychological for both of you, him because he can't get it up, you because in that case you feel like he must not desire you. That's not good for either of you, so maybe holding off on sexual encounters with him, or at least reducing the frequency, is the thing to do here. Is Dalton also seeing your ENM therapist/mentor? Maybe the therapist could help him unpack the psychological block that is leaving him limp. Certainly the therapist could help you with the insecurity the ED causes in you. I think it's very possible that monogamous programming is the main cause of what's blocking him, but he may need to get some professional help to know for sure and work through it.

Good luck,
Kevin T.
 
Sometimes the issue is performance pressure. You are a new partner and just the thought of wanting to badly to perform for you is enough to cause that. Try both you and your partner being pleasure oriented and not orgasm oriented.

For me, I get way more out of giving my partner pleasure (and yes I desire piv strongly and want that connection but my actual pleasure is in making my partner feel amazing). I love giving oral to a soft cock. I can take my time, have all of it in my mouth and move it around and suck in it in ways I can't when hard and it feels oh so good to them. The penis does not need to be hard to feel pleasure or even orgasm. Reassure him that you don't want or need an erection. That you just want him to feel pleasure. For you, the goal is pleasure, NOT to get him hard or make him cum. You may find that he actually can get an erection this way. If not, you know you both had good pleasure. If so, then you can take it other areas.
 
I wanted to chime in here that, as a woman in her 50s, most of my male partners for the last few years have had some form of difficulty in this department. I have found, as Bobbi stated, that even if a man can't get fully erect, he can still orgasm with enough hand stimulation. I had my partner teach me how to pleasure him. It took lots of coconut oil and patience, but it happened big time. I accepted that he might never have penetrative sex with me, and that was okay.

As far as him performing for wife, but not you, I have had that happen too, when someone gets performance anxiety. Just take the pressure off and have no expectations for awhile. You can perhaps explore toys and other things.

I have a non-sexual cuddle partner who can suck my toes nearly to orgasm!!! It's special because no one else has ever done that for me, so it's "our" thing. And the cuddles have been amazing, and the pillow talk.
 
B&JENM said:
Hello.

I am married to Jay. My boyfriend is Dalton. Dalton and I have been dating for 5 months. We have done everything except intercourse, due to his erectile dysfunction (ED). Well, he has done things to me, anyway, since I can’t return the favor.

We think it’s psychological. He is able to get an erection just fine with his wife. He doesn't want to take meds, as he feels he wants to keep working through the source, whatever that is. He’s still trying to figure it out.

I know it’s irrational, but it leaves me feeling undesirable, unsexy, and almost dread getting sexy with him due to the disappointment he or I might feel.

I really enjoy him as a person, but I feel like his ED issue gets to me emotionally. Also I feel like it makes him less interrelated in sexy things, which in turn makes me feel like he doesn't want me like that. It hurts my feelings!

I haven’t dated other guys, because we talk a lot and I care about Dalton. Between him and Jay I don’t have much energy left to devote to another partner.

But going 5 months without being able to experience each other fully leaves me with a lot of emotions and thinking maybe Dalton and I should be platonic until he figures it out, and I look for a new partner to date.

I should add that Dalton and Jay get along great and I couldn’t ask for a better ENM partner, except for this issue.

It’s been a rollercoaster, guys. Thanks for listening. Really just looking for any words of wisdom.
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at some point he ll have to accept the meds...age is but a number but aging is a different story ...wish you all the best
 
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