The Scenic Route-- third chapter of my poly blog

[Kynde]

It's time to start a new blog. This is my third blog on this website. The first was detailing my time on a Homestead and attempting to be in a polygamous type arrangement. It was great while it lasted, but ended spectacularly and dramatically. The second was me trying to put my life back together, including starting to date again and some of those stories of things that did not work out. Now I'm in a place of stability (knocking on some wood to make sure I don't jinx things!!!) and ready to start a third blog, to symbolically put the other stuff behind me and look forward, not backwards.

Today is Sunday and I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee on this wonderful spring day in the desert. My trees are starting to grow leaves again, including the one I planted 25 years ago in honor of the birth of my first child. I am big into trees, and setting down roots. Which is all I have ever wanted after a life of chaos and trauma starting the day I was born. My daffodill bulbs that were planted 3 years ago in the lawn are fully in bloom. I noticed that some of them have created off shoots of new plants next to the original bulbs. My lone chicken that I brought from the homestead, my original chicken who was my adult daughter's high school FFA project 6 years ago, is pecking around the new shoots of grass. I have two more pullets on order that I will pick up next month. My potted tomatoes are growing hopefully towards giving some fruit at some point, but will have to be pulled indoors in the heat of summer. This is the last part of spring. In about 2 weeks it will start to turn towards wicked hot and even the grass will give up and go dormant, but at the moment the air is cool and full of promise and new life.

My current situation-- I'm 51 years old as of this month. I have been poly off and on my entire adult life with breaks to have and raise kids. I've been married twice. Currently and permanantly divorced, but not given up on love and a full life. I live alone. I have a newish anchor partner Jay who I reconnected with a couple of months ago. We dated right after my last divorce a couple of years ago, but we both had our own personal work to do and parted ways. We are back together and things are going so great, very smooth and easy, no drama. It's wonderful so far. Time will tell. It always does. Our long term goal is to share a full life, share a home. But right now we each have our own homes and that's wise, until we see how things go. We do spend a lot of time together, with him spending more time with me at my home than at his own home. We are practicing living together, navigating life and poly, while still each having our backup plan if things down't work out. Life has taught us both to always have a backup plan.

Jay is monogamous. Although he has admitted more recently that he was never good at being monogamous. He has never cheated, but his heart has loved people that he was not free to fully love. He is realizing, through recent conversations, that poly is a great way of life for some of us who love big and choose to walk unconventional, although ethical paths. When I dated Jay the first time I was between other relationships. When I started dating him this time I told him I have two other partners and will not break up with them to date him, they are loved by me and did nothing other than not be available for the full time relationship I desire. He has bravely trusted me, and we have evolved from him being touchy if I even mention that I'm "busy" a certain night, to more open conversations. The last couple have been great. He was willing to hear about the full history of my two other partners, and I think putting names to them and giving their background, including that they are not a threat to us- and they will never steal me away- was reassuring.

My two other partners are Sid, who is a long time love. I loved him 8 years ago and we had an unsuccessful attempt at a triad. He's now remarried and we are both more mature and settled. We started a relationship again last year. His wife is wonderful and we are friendly to each other, but not close enough that I would call her a friend. We do KTP and sometimes hang out together at their house, and she is supportive of me dating her husband. My other partner is platonic and he travels a lot, and we are more friends than anything else these days. We cuddle, watch TV, and he likes to have the occasional sleepover with a warm body to sleep next to. I go days without hearing from him and that's okay.

A few days ago Jay and I, while eating Razzleberry pie in honor of "Pi Day," had a great open conversation. He told me that after he posted our relationship status on Facebook a former girlfriend of his came forward to congratulate him, and to express sadness that they had not worked out for various good reasons. He said he'd been talking to her and he wanted to tell me about it so I knew. In his past relationships (monogamous) his girlfriends/wife had been controlling and had not wanted him to even talk to other women. I told him I didn't own him, just as no one owns me. I feel secure in our relationship, and if he wants to talk to other women or men, that's his right. And I told him just as I am poly and expect him to be supportive of me having my other partners, I am supportive of him if he wishes to explore other relationships. Jay has such a huge heart and he feels the big feels like I do, and honestly I can see him being poly if he wanted to explore that.

I told him about being a hinge and what that looked like. We talked about veto power and how I find that unethical and won't do that, just as I won't allow him to do that to my partners. We talked about my ideal of KTP but I know that's not for everyone. He has not yet met my other partners, although they are willing if and when that time comes. I stated my one firm boundary-- sexual health. That I prefer cul-de-sacs, because they are easier to manage. Testing is mandatory-- and if a new partner is introduced either directly or indirectly (a partner's new partner for example) I will have a 6 week waiting period and testing before being intimate again. This is why next month, when Sid goes for his body/sex positive retreat with his wife, I will require 6 weeks of us not having oral or penetrative sex, testing, and then resuming. It's complicated--- but I have managed to go my entire life without an STI and this is how.

Anyway, Jay relaxed after we had this lastest open talk. And I think I got him thinking a bit. All is so good right now in my life. I appreciate every good day that life gives me.

 

[Kynde]

Another Sunday night recap of the week. Sid and I had a lovely date on Weds night. It will be 10 days until we see each other again, skipping this coming Weds and instead having an overnight on the following Saturday. Although Sid and I have a lot of energy, Sid is in his 60's and I have a chronic health condition that often leaves me fatigued. The new schedule is working well, given those issues as well as each of our family demands and work schedules. We cherish our rare overnights.

I hope to see Traveler on Tuesday for a cuddle TV time and overnight. His communication continues to be spotty, and normally I require more constant connection (even if by text) to maintain some connection of the heart. But we still enjoy the friendship and cuddle time. He's kinda in the "gray" zone of more than just a friend, but less than an intimate partner.

Jay and I continue to do very well! He is truly the easiest relationship I have been in. It just falls into place. We enjoy spending time together just doing everyday things, but sprinkling in some nice dates or small trips. But mostly its the everyday things. He continues to support my poly life, and seems very much more secure about the two of us.

 

[Kynde]

Oh my goodness!!! What a week!!! Twists and turns galore! Ending on a good note.

The week was to go as follows: I was going to skip the weekly Weds night with Sid and instead do a rare Saturday overnight hosting Sid at my house. And then I was going to visit Jay at his work on Weds evening, bring him dinner and keep him company for part of his 24 hour shift.

But things went very sideways.

On Tuesday Jay (monoagmous-- ish) and I had a disagreement via text, based on both a miscommunication, and him being triggered by some things from his past. The disagreement was because it appeared that he was flirting with a friend (who he was once interested in) on his FB page. I honestly thought it was cute, but surprising, given that Jay is/was monogamous. I screen shotted it and ask him if he meant to come across as flirty. He then overreacted and got really defensive, and suddenly we were in an argument and I wasn't even sure what about fully. And it was, worst of all, by text because I was at work. During the texting he brought up that he was tired of getting leftovers with my other partners, and so what if he was flirting with her, why can't he? And some other things. It was clear he had been sitting on some things and stuffed them down until they came out during this incident. Then he said let him know when I wanted to talk about it, and went radio silent, and it was clear that his phone had been turned off. Which sent me into my own C-PTSD panic mode.

So I got off work and was thinking he was doing harm to himself since it has been 3 hours of radio silence and messages not being delivered (he has a past history of this but it was years ago---- but my mind goes places when I'm in PTSD-land) or that he was breaking up with me, or something. He had never snapped at me like that before, ever. I drove to his house and he was home, and okay. And very sad. We hugged but were both feeling defensive. I said let's talk about this and solve this, but we were both still pretty upset. It turns out along with the "accusation" of him flirting on FB (which truly I didn't care about other than being curious), he was upset that I had an overnight coming up with Sid this Saturday. I had told him about it that morning. He said he felt bumped off of our time since we usually spend the weekends together. But the thing is, Sid and I have done alternating Saturday nights for months, and I had actually reduced those (with Sid's blessing) to spend more time with Jay. This Saturday was the first one in over a month.

Jay and I didn't have time to talk until Thursday due to his 24 hour shift coming up Weds, he had to pretty much go to bed right then. I was totally falling apart. I texted Sid and told him things were falling apart, and Sid, as he has done many times, held me with his words (over the phone) and calmed me down. Normally I should be a good hinge and not let things from one relationship cross to the other, but Sid is also a friend, and poly, and gets it. He said let's step back for the time being (he and I) and give some room for Jay to talk and work things out over the weekend, we can just cancel this Saturday. I said thank you for your support, and I feel bad. Sid always has home projects on weekends so he said he would just do some of those.

So then Thursday comes around and I get off work and Jay and I talked, hugged, and cried. I was so exhausted. I have autism and admit I don't always communicate the best, or interpret things accurately-- and on top of that the trauma history. We cleared up the misunderstanding about the FB post, it turns out that Jay's abusive ex used to screen shot his posts and texts and then pick them apart, so that triggered him. He also was accused of flirting and cheating when he didn't.

He shared that he was upset about how Sid and I go to dinner or fun things, but he and I rarely do, we just hang out around the house or go shopping or watch TV. I said I see your point, let's made a weekly date night just you and me, and we both talked about some things we want to do in the future on date nights! We decided Friday night was our standing date night going forward, or other times if we were both free and there was an event on another day we wanted to do together.

As far as the "leftovers" comment, Jay thought that on Weds I was going to spend time with Sid at his house, which is close to Jay's work, and then come and see Jay afterwards since it was convenient. I clarified that no, I was going there specifically to see Jay at work on Weds. Even though it was a 40 minute drive, I wanted to see him and make him feel loved. As far as the being bumped off Saturday to spend time with Sid, I said that I had invited Jay to talk about the schedule and get his input on my date nights with Sid and Traveler but he never wanted to know or think about it, and just to tell him when I had plans-- so I did. And the plans had been set about a month before (Sid and I plan out 4-6 weeks in advance). I asked if he felt comfortable seeing my Google calendar and he said okay and I showed it to him and asked if he wanted to be added so we can all talk about plans and schedules going forward, and he said yes! He said it makes sense and he sees that now.

He agreed that from now on if he has to take a deep breath and cool off, he will tell me he's doing that, not turn his phone totally off (in case of emergency) and I will give him that space and not text him . . but he has to check in every couple of hours given his past mental health issues.

We both agreed not to let things build up inside, but instead to ask for a time to talk and share our feelings, and address concerns/find solutions before it got really bad.

So . . . after all the misunderstandings were cleared up, Jay expressed he was afraid of losing me or having me choose them. I reminded him that he was my primary partner, my hopefully life partner, and that Sid was happily married and I hoped he stayed that way because he had a great marriage, and that Traveler was basically married to his travels and his bachelor life. There was no competition.

I asked if I could talk about Sid and my relationship a bit more-- since Jay had said he didn't really want to hear about him (don't ask don't tell). He said yes. I explained my deep friendship with Sid going back years and years, how we had been there for each other through dark times, that we had been lovers off and on, but were friends first. And that we had decided years ago that we could never be primary/anchor partners for each other. Jay then said, OH! Sid is your Andrea! I asked who is Andrea, and he explained that it was a woman from his past who had been there as his friend, sometimes lover, but they could never be full partners. I was thinking to myself, thank God for Andrea, whoever she was!! This was his lightbulb moment.

He relaxed. He apologized. He sent me flowers. We made up.

Here's the best part of all of this . . . . . the plot twist!!!

I told him I no longer had plans for Saturday, Sid and I had called it off and rescheduled. He said he felt bad about that. And he said that after hearing on Tuesday that I had made plans for Saturday, he had made his own plans . . . with a woman from his past! Who he might want to date!!! I said GREAT! Tell me more! He said it feels weird to tell you, and I said Honey, that's poly! So he gave me a brief synopsis of this lady, how she also was not a full relationship person but they had dated some. He shared they were going to dinner and an event.

I told him that I supported him dating others-- I just requested that I know about it if he was going to start dating someone, that ideally I would like to meet them if they were open to it (but would not force it), and that we both stick to our sexual safety policy of testing before sex, and that he tell me his intention to have sex with someone before it happens so I can be informed. He agreed and said this was very reasonable.

I called Sid back and asked if he still was open to a date on Saturday night and he said sorry, he had made other plans. I said I totally get it. I will see him on Weds as scheduled.

So at the time of this writing, I am sitting here on Saturday night, alone (with the dog), watching TV in my pajamas, writing this blog entry. Jay checked in with me about 2 hours ago per my request to let me know if he's going to come home from his date to my house, or go to his own house. The date started at 2:30 PM and he said it should be done around midnight-- so it sound like it's going very well!! And I'm happy about it.

Sid checked in with me a couple of times by text asking how it was going and how I was doing, because this is my first time having my own Primary parter out on a date with someone else! And we both marveled at the plot twist. And we expressed our love to each other, and how we have managed to stay together as friends and lovers through so much in our lives -- marriages (his and mine, to separate people), divorces (mine), deaths (his ex wife and his son), and the birth of my youngest child.

I hope through this date, Jay gets a sense of how things can go well with good communication and support from your partner(s). I hope he sees how deeply I love him, and how we trust each other-- and how we can love each other enough to let us each live our own lives - and how supporting partners in being happy makes us all happier when it's done right.

I know a new chapter has started today, and there will be more rough patches and growth. I am thankful for today after a long week of chaos, tears, and lots and lots of growth all around. I am very thankful that polyamory has taught me such wonderful communication skills!

I have also reinforced the recent personal decision to not seek out or start any new relationships for the foreseeable future. I want to see how things grow and settle where they are.

 

[Kynde]

So, Jay's date had some interesting effects. First of all I was able to experience this from the other point of view, of having my primary partner on a date. I was very happy, but then I became very unhappy as he checked in and said he'd be home by 9, then midnight, then he wasn't going to make it home that night. So I was annoyed that the expectations kept changing. As an autistic person this was more unsettling perhaps than it might be for other people. I was also thinking sex might be happening which annoyed me because we agreed he'd tell me first, and the other party would get tested first. Also I am having a menopausal hormone flare up and that didn't help. At all. So I basically got no sleep on Saturday night.

By 6:30 Saturday morning I sent him a pretty upset text about trust. He immediately replied back and drove over to my house. It turns out I was overreacting, except he did apologize for continuing to change the times he would come home. He at least did communicate that. So the woman he took on the date turned out to be someone he's dated on and off for years, but had never told him she loved him. He has broken it off with her to reconnect with me. He was offering her to date again, if she didn't mind that he was also dating me and in a serious relationship with me. She didn't want to do that. They did stay up talking for most of the night, and she was emotional, and they both ended up falling asleep in each other's arms. They never had sex. I believe him.

So then he had to deal with me being all upset, and I was feeling more upset than I should have been, which has been my theme the past week, along with insomnia, increased hot flashes, body aches, and other things. Menopause sucks. I've been in it, in waves, for a few years. On top of C-PTSD, anxiety, depression. I decided to up my meds from half dose to full dose on Saturday after putting the pieces together. I feel better already in that department. He had me lie down on the sofa on Saturday afternoon, put on a boring TV show, and sat next to me stroking my head until I finally fell alsleep.

Anyway, Jay said he didn't feel the need to date others, but was trying out the concept with this one woman because of all the people, it might work with her. I told him I was sorry it didn't work out, and I supported whatever he wanted to do.

He also shared that he supports my relationship with Sid, but sometimes feels that I keep him in my life because he is "less than" in certain ways, even though he understands that it's not the case. All kinds of feelings. I will be meeting with Sid on Weds to talk about things shifting as I spend more time with Jay. I honestly thing Sid will be relieved that I won't be leaning on him so much for my needs, as Sid is very busy with his wife and life. Their lives are very busy right now with various things. And it may be that we dial back a bit. Sid is going to his retreat soon and we will be taking a hiatus from full physical intimacy to allow for a window of STI testing after the retreat. Sid has always been very supportive of me finding a full time partner. I will never cut Sid out of my life completely, we are life partners, but how it looks often changes over the years.

 

[Magdlyn]

I must say I am a bit shocked at Jay testing the waters with his ex! You didn't even know about her, and he just kind of did this out of the blue... explaining who she was after the fact/the date.

When you say he didn't come "home" as first promised, you mean to his own home, right? Not to your place. So actually, you didn't really NEED to know when he'd be coming home? But you wanted to. But then when he kept changing it, you got upset anyway, to the point you couldn't sleep all night.

 

[Magdlyn]

Jay kinda thinks Sid is "less than" whom, exactly? Less than Jay? Less than you? Maybe Jay thinks Sid is "less than" himself? Or he thinks Sid is "more than" himself, secretly, because he's more poly, or has known you longer?

 

[Kynde]

Jay kinda thinks Sid is "less than" whom, exactly? Less than Jay? Less than you? Maybe Jay thinks Sid is "less than" himself? Or he thinks Sid is "more than" himself, secretly, because he's more poly, or has known you longer?

I reread what I wrote and it does sound very confusing. Sleep deprivation probably. I think Sid can't understand why I need another person unless I'm not satisfied with him. And also that Sid is half a relationship whereas Jay is a full relationship. Remember he's been mono his whole life. It's hard to understand loving more than one and having two full but very different relationships.

 

[Kynde]

I must say I am a bit shocked at Jay testing the waters with his ex! You didn't even know about her, and he just kind of did this out of the blue... explaining who she was after the fact/the date.

When you say he didn't come "home" as first promised, you mean to his own home, right? Not to your place. So actually, you didn't really NEED to know when he'd be coming home? But you wanted to. But then when he kept changing it, you got upset anyway, to the point you couldn't sleep all night.

Yeah--- I asked him about this, and remember his policy for me was don't ask don't tell . . . so he was following his own rules. He was going to tell me he had a date but not with whom or what would happen (other than STI safety agreement). Now he understands my strong preference is to know at least a bit about the other person, and ideally if it works out I'd love to meet them. He is very baby poly and not used to open communication about dating others.

Home-- He was supposed to come back to my house after his date. He said he was going out with her to some art thing and then dinner. They were both talking (and she was apparently crying at some points) and it got very late. He didn't want to just cut her off when she was crying because he had promised to go back to my house after the date. Instead they went back to his house and she fell asleep but they did not have sex. I believe him on that. His mistake was to promise me he was going to come back home to my house. Next time (if there is one) I'm just going to keep it open to his discretion and assume he won't be coming home, or he needs to tell his date that he agreed to be home by a certain time, and then do it.

As far as being an ex-- she is a long time friend who has seen him through a lot of things, and a sometimes friend with benefits. She is in fact similar to Sid in my life. Always a friend, sometimes a lover. They have a history of breaking things off to date someone else who might offer a more long term and deeper relationship because she only wants to go so far.

 

[Kynde]

An overdue update. I was doing some "hinge work" to fill the needs of my partners and also of myself, as well as balancing time with my youngest child who lives with me half the time.

I sat down and had a heart to heart talk with both partners. With Jay it continues to be, so far, a very healthy relationship. It continues to be mostly easy except the handling with finesse and care the feelings of a man who is mostly monogamous, and who is still learning that loving more people does not mean loving him any less. He knew I came with other partners as part of my package deal. We are spending most of our time together when not at work. We continue to keep separate houses and will for the foreseeable future, but Jay spends most of his time at my house now. And it's lovely.

I asked Jay what is most important to him with me being poly. If he were to have all his wishes met this is what they would be---
--No overnights on nights when the two of us (Jay and I) would be together, and to limit any overnights to when he's working his 24 hour shifts.
-- Same with date nights, would prefer if we could time those with his 24 hour shifts, but if we have a date on another day, that I come home to him.
-- He continues for now to want the don't ask don't tell policy.
-- He expressed that he also doesn't want to be the one to put me in a cage or cut my flight feathers. I need to be happy, too.

I asked Sid what was most important to him. Sid continue stop be very supportive of me building a primary/nesting partnership and is happy for me.
-- He wants a weekly date night, schedules permitting
-- He wants to continue to enjoy a sensual/physical relationship.
-- He would love to meet Jay someday but is patient on this.
-- He admits that our twice monthly overnights were more for my needs than his-- before I was dating Jay I didn't have a lot of opportunity to be held all night and wake up next to someone. His wife would prefer he not have overnights, either, but was supportive of him if he wanted to.

Here's how it stands for now---
-- Most of my date nights with Sid will be on Jay's normal 24 hour shifts. These shifts are on weekdays, so overnights are not very practical for Sid or myself because we both have to get up early and drive to work the next day. Wednesday nights have worked for Sid and I even before Jay and I started dating, and will continue to be our preferred date night.
-- If I have a date with Sid on a day that Jay is not working, that is okay if I give him a heads up. I will always come home to him at the end of the evening.
-- Sid and I will not have overnights for the time being. Neither of us really needs them, and both of our partners will be happier about this.
-- Jay is not currently dating anyone, but he has that "hall pass" and support from me if he chooses to do so. I just ask that he tell me if he's considering dating a specific person, and that the practice our agreed upon STI policy. He is thankful for my support, as he has in the past found total monogamy to be challenging with his big heart that he has.

A note on Traveler--- he has become more distant and preoccupied. He's never been a great communicator, and will drop conversations for days at a time. He checks in and asks how it's going, but a couple of times I've told him some updates that needed a reply and didn't get one. I think I'm falling out of love with Traveler. I guess I am more "needy" as a partner in that I need consistency and emotional closeness. Even though Sid and I don't see each other that often--sometimes even for 2 weeks if one of us is sick or busy, we text daily. Even just a good morning good night text, or sending a funny meme, or talking as he's driving home from work in rush hour. I have never had that with Traveler. And he doesn't seem to need that from me. And that's okay. I feel it's run its course. And that's okay, too.

I am not currently looking for or open to new partners at this time. I'm too busy. I'm also dating myself more. I have recently gotten back into reading books and realized how much I've missed it. My child is busier with extracirricular activities. and I'm satisfied.

 

[Kynde]

Another wonderful week of no drama! Sid returned from his sex positive retreat, announcing that he has a new comet partner! Yay him! She lives across the country but the have been video chatting for months, and finally were able to meet at the retreat. He is planning to go to another retreat to see her in mid July. Per our STI policy, we are going to pause oral and penetrative sex for some time to allow for STI testing after a latent period. On Weds we had a very hot date despite our boundaries. Luckily there are many ways to be hot that don't involve oral or penetrative, and this is the time to explore those things! He also was overflowing with stories about his retreat and his face was all lit up with those stories, as well as NRE for his new comet. I love seeing him like this!

Jay and I are still having a wonderful, close relationship. We have our weekly date night, but he has been spending all but his work nights with me. We are essentially living together at this point (he mostly stays at my place since I have a young child living with me part time), while still keeping separate houses and taking it slow in that regard.

In personal news, I have been worried about the latest political atmosphere and what it means for our country and those I love, including my two adult children who fall into the LBTGQ+ category. I am hoping we can turn things around to be safer for them, and for others who may fall under the attack of discrimination and be prosecuted or deported for their lifestyles, wiring, or beliefs. Sigh. I had taken a break from the news for about 1.5 years but now I'm paying attention again.

 

[Kynde]

It's been a month, time for an update. The short story is that Jay started to show the narcissistic cycle, which I had suspected he might given our past history of dating last time . . . and after the third time of that I let him go. I don't need to go into the details except where it relates to poly.

I had told him that I was poly and would continue to be, and that my partners came with me and I was not breaking up with them. He said he was okay with that. It was clear he was insecure about it. He did not want to do KTP or GPP which I would have preferred. He wanted to do DADT. I agreed, with some trepidation, because Jay was otherwise showing at that time to be a great partner. Over time he became consumed with jealousy. He become moody as I approached date night and afterwards. He refused to be part of a shared calendar (even my own, not Sid's) so he could see my schedule. He pressured me to break up with Sid. When that didn't work he threw a couple of tantrums. Even as he was talking to a woman, with my encouragement, and seeing if they could date being openly poly.

I think it came down to the fact that I was so open, transparent, and wanted to sit down and talk about feelings (with many areas of the relationship) he could not be as controlling and manipulative as he wanted to be. I know the playbook. And, I should not have to play games in any relationship.

It was a wonderful time when it was good. I have no regrets at all. I am wiser, and proud of myself.

Sid and I are still very solid and hopefully will be for a long long time.

I am talking to two poly potentials, taking it verrrrry slow. I am looking for a life/nesting partner who is poly and okay with me having my small child in the home, and I'm in my early 50's. Still very attractive and fun, but not 20 or 30. I'm both a wonderful partner to the right person, and a hard fit for most everyone else. I am not desperate, and I'm okay being alone in my home if needed. I have a good life.

I'm not alone right now though . . . I have a wonderful house guest/friend. She and I met on line through a narcissist abuse support group, and we have a lot in common including she's poly and in the BDSM lifestyle. She has her you know what together, but is coming out of an abusive marriage. She decided to start over in my area after talking to me. Her apartment is available in 2 more weeks, and she starts her new job next week. She's been amazing to have around, and I enjoy her company, as well as her feedback. She was here when I broke up with Jay and she validated and confirmed my feelings and observations about him.

Not all men are narcissists. I found a good one in Sid, and a good one in Traveler. Sometimes relationships just run their course, and that's okay. I have a tendency to attract men with narcissistic traits, but I'm getting better and better with each experience in detecting that.

 

[MeeraReed]

I am sorry to hear about Jay. It sounds like it would have been a lot of trouble navigating his monogamous mindset even without the narcissism.

I'm glad you're doing well on your own. Good luck with your continued journey!

 

[Kynde]

I have taken some time away from this blog, but not away from life.
Jay kept sending me letters in the mail, alternating sweet ones with nasty ones stating why the relationship failure was my fault. One of the sweet ones had my last name hyphenated with his last name, as if we were married. I sent him a letter stating that if he continued to contact me (and I spelled out all the ways someone can contact someone) I would file a restraining order. I have not heard from him since.

I went on FEELD and met a few nice people, none of them with partnership potential though. One was a nice gentleman my age who, it turned out, literally ran in the same circles I did in high school (we were both long distance runners). He was in the middle of a messy divorce and child custody battle, and living in a halfway house, 7 months sober. I told him I would love to be his friend but he had too much going on in his life, and he needed to prioritize himself and his child. He was crushed, but then about 2 weeks later he contacted me and said he and his wife are going to try to work things out, and she requested that he not date or talk to any women. I told him I wished him luck and I was here if he needed to talk in the future. So bravo on my instincts!! He was apparently newly dating another poly woman and had to break it off with her.

I met an older gentleman who was also separated but still living with his wife, but they date separately. That part was a bit messy. He's also new to poly so I was happy to send him local groups and resources. He said he LOVED me before we even met and I said hold on a minute. Then we met and he told me that he has a 24 year old girlfriend. This man is in his 70's and my own adult child is around this age. Also, this girlfriend had a lot of health issues, and needed frequent trips to ER for pain meds but they were not able to find the problem. Red flags abounding. I ended it before it really had a chance to start.

And then I met Art, who is 37 to my 51 years. I set my age window to 45-65 but somehow both Art and the older gentleman snuck through. Art is very poly, prefers KTP if possible, and is pretty mature for his 37 years. His wife died a few years ago, he has a health issue that makes him understand my own chronic pain, but he's still very active and trying to take care of his health, and leads an emotional support group. His emotional intelligence is very high. We've had hard conversations and very open conversations on what we both want. He wants to settle down and have a family. He wants an anchor/nesting partner. He totally accepts Sid in my life and wants to meet him at some point-- the two men have already texted a few times. And I accept and encourage his new partner and future partners. His kinks are what have been hard for many partners in the past, but I am fine with them. So, we shall see.

I keep trying and moving forward. I am getting smarter and wiser along the way, learning my boundaries, and making great memories.

My biggest blessing is my new friend who moved here locally and is starting a new life after leaving an abusive marriage. She's poly, in the kink community, and a beautiful kind person. I had needed and wanted a best girlfriend and we both feel we have found that. She stayed with me for 3 weeks until her new apartment opened up, and she was so sweet and kind the whole time. She has since moved and started her new job, but yesterday we talked on the phone for 2 hours. We just have an easy friendship. And that is what I really need right now more than anything.

Until next time . . . .

 

[Kynde]

It's been a LONG time since I've posted an update!
I have been doing a lot of personal work, growth, and I'm in a better place now, with more growth ahead.

Partner update---- 37 year old did not work out. I am learning to listen to my body and if I start to feel anxious or tense inside, then it's not a good situation. Art was a nice guy. He initially said he was very interested in settling down and doing the family thing. He had lots of green flags (I even double checked with a couple of friends to make sure-- not trusting my own judgement). It turns out Art loved the *idea* of settling down, but it turns out he has anxious attachment style. So . . he would get closer to me, we'd have a great day or so together, he would say (and probably mean) all the right things. But then he would freak out, back out of things, become very busy for days on end. Then I would express confusion and he would apologize and come back closer again.

Some issues and examples--

--We together planned a weekend camping trip over a month in advance. I made the reservations. Then 2 weeks before the vacation he *texted me* saying he had overbooked and forgotten that he had something going on with his brother that day. He asked if I could move the reservations because "he wouldn't want me to go alone." I asked if he could instead reschedule his brother's thing. He hummed and hawed and protested. And then, it turned out he could. But it was really stressful to deal with that situation, and it showed me how little he valued our vacation together and our time together.
Note: I have 50/50 custody of a small child, work full time, etc. so scheduling the vacation took some coordination and he totally did not respect that.

-- He had a partner he was dating, but he never told me the full truth about her. He said they were progressing, then stepping back, over and over. Or, maybe he was doing the same dance with her as he was with me. Even though he advertised he wanted KTP, he never in 3 months introduced her to me, even though I asked several times. One of my boundaries was that she had a swinger boyfriend (she's also poly). I was not comfortable sleeping with him if he was sleeping with her-- since we didn't know the status of the boyfriend's STI practices and testing. During one of our last arguments he slipped and indicated SHE was the swinger! (Note: I have nothing against swingers or other lifestyles, kinks, fetishes, etc but swinging can present some challenging STI control issues).

-- He was addicted to porn, and although we in theory could have been intimate, he often had to finish the deed with his hand and sometimes even a video on his phone while I was lying there next to him! I mentioned my concern and boundary that I did not want him looking at porn when we were together.

-- He kept me separate from some mutual friends. Although we did go and meet some friends early on at a cabin vacation with them, other than that I never met his circle people. He went to Karaoke night most Saturdays, and I asked to join him but he always said no. He said there was a woman he liked there, they had kissed and flirted, and she was not poly, and he felt that bringing me would "make things weird."

-- In addition he started to become more critical of my home, the color of my walls, the way I organized my silverware drawer, etc. I saw my future that he would get more picky and controlling, similar to my first ex husband.

In the end I started to have more and more episodes of CPTSD trauma response, and it was because of all this uncertaintly and hot/cold. I started to think I was getting more unstable and he was glad to point this out as well. Funny thing is, once I broke it off with him, I stopped having those episodes.

Continued in a minute . . .

 

[Kynde]

I went on two dates with a gentleman who I suspect may be cheating on his wife. So, I told him I would love to be his friend and do friend stuff, but I am not comfortable dating a married man without some kind of permission or blessing from his wife. Which he was unable to give, and admitted that beyond DADT, she is not very happy with his dating and doesn't even want to know if he is dating anyone or not!

 

[Magdlyn]

Kynde, welcome back! Some of us have been wondering where our former regulars have been.

I'm sorry how it ended with Jay. Him writing to you and hyphenating your last names was super creepy (as was the other stuff). Good for you for having no patience with his red flags.

I'm sorry you've met some duds since. I can sure relate from back in my dating days!

 

[Kynde]

And then enter Dino. I met him and had been chatting for 2 months on a dating app for autistic people. We met on our first date with him presenting a card game, which he laid out on the table. We began to talk once the game had started. I'm also autistic and this was a sweet way to connect. We had a long date and realllly felt we were both looking for the same thing. Green flags:

-- He is experienced poly, and will only date people who do KTP.
-- He is a soft Dom and I enjoy a D/s dynamic (if it's ethical and fair).
-- He has children the same age as my little one
-- He's looking for a blended polycule family. He has experience with this (his children have two moms who are partners--- they were at one point a throuple).
-- He is kind.
-- His nesting partners is also warm and welcoming

We started to date and it's been wonderful so far. I met his nesting partner early and he met my partners (including the one I later broke up with mentioned above). Our children have had a playdate together and got along, which is beautiful. He has a great co parenting relationship with the moms of his kids. This past week his a/c has been broken, so he and his nesting partner have been at my house. We all get along great, and very easily. We all wish to work towards living together and being a blended poly family.

Last night Sid came over to my house for our weekly date, and everyone warmly greeted, then they ran some errands to give Sid and I some privacy. However they came back as we were finishing dinner and we all sat together for a bit, then Sid and I went to my room. We are all nudists, so after making sure we were all okay with this, when Sid and I emerged we hung out for a few minutes all of us, and there was much compersion flowing. (Note: none of the kids were home-- they were with their other parents-- just adults in the house last night).

This coming weekend we are going to go camping, him, his NP, me, and our three combined children. The adults will sleep in one tent and the kids in another. (Since Art is out, the camping reservations are still there, why not?)

 

[Kynde]

Kynde, welcome back! Some of us have been wondering where our former regulars have been.

I'm sorry how it ended with Jay. Him writing to you and hyphenating your last names was super creepy (as was the other stuff). Good for you for having no patience with his red flags.

I'm sorry you've met some duds since. I can sure relate from back in my dating days!

Nice to see you again too Magdlyn!

 

[Magdlyn]

Nice to see you again too Magdlyn!

It's not clear how long you've been seeing Dino. Hosting him and his partner (and kids, I assume, except on the nudist night) is pretty big of you, so early on in the relationship! But I am glad things seem to be going so well. Have fun camping.

 

[Kynde]

It's not clear how long you've been seeing Dino. Hosting him and his partner (and kids, I assume, except on the nudist night) is pretty big of you, so early on in the relationship! But I am glad things seem to be going so well. Have fun camping.

It's definitely a newer relationship, and we are all being mindful of this. It's Phoenix and not having a/c is a life or death situation. Not everyone can afford a one week stay at a hotel on a moment's notice. I don't use my master bedroom/bathroom except for guests, so it was a natural solution. I always do a basic background check on potential partners as well as anyone else who will be around my children.

A couple of other factors are at play:
Dino and I are both very autistic, We are "older" and have life experience. I have noticed that most autistics see that goals are matching, so why do all the song and dance of social timelines based on social rules we don't understand. If the shoe fits, wear it for awhile and walk around in it. If it turns out to cause blisters, then it's not a good fit after all, Move on. By the way Dino's partner (I'll call her Radha from now on) is also on the spectrum. She is saying she is "mulling it over" even as she is being very warm and friendly and open to the possibilities.

NRE is not really happening. It's nice, happy, joyful, hopeful, but not crazy. We have even talked about what if it doesn't work out, but we will try it and have no regrets on trying, and will be making good memories either way. I have had crazy NRE and have now taught myself that it's a signal to step WAY back until it's run it's course. ;-)