Homesteading Triad, Dynamics, and the Family Calendar

[Kynde]

I've been poly off and on for most of my adult life. I was in a triad with a married couple several years ago. It blew up due to not being well managed. But when it was good it was very very good! I realized that I would love to be in a triad again long term.

Fast forward, several months ago, I found another couple similar to original triad. Married couple, I'm friends (dare I say "sister wife") with her and partnered with him. We are a family. Still working out the details, but for now I'm relocated to their many acres of land, living in a tiny home next to their standard sized home. I'm a minimalist and this is heaven for me. We are all nice, honest, decent people who want to make this work.

They have been married for 20+ years. He has always had the need for more than one, and has had previous partners with her knowledge and support. However this is the first time that it has worked well enough for us to all be living together and making a family and hoping for long-term. She and I truly are friends and like to hang out and have girl time, like last weekend we spent the whole day shopping together, which he hates so he's thankful she now has someone else to take her shopping.

We are all middle age, all in good shape. He works full time, so do I. She's very vanilla/conventional, housewife. Their marriage is very conventional-- other than her supporting and being accepting of his need to be poly. He's been into D/s culture for years and years, BDSM, kink, etc. That is more my style and I love being his sub. He is a good Dom/owner, very fair and consensual. Before we got started we both agreed that although he is my Dom/owner that stops at financial involvement, parenting/family/friends, and career choices. I do pay my share of utilities and help out with chores but that's it. It's a sweet deal.

We have just started a family calendar, even menu planning. Some days we eat together as a family, other days we have our much needed alone time. Still working out the sleeping/date night schedule but I think we are almost settled on it.

So far the weekly schedule is proposed as follows: Two date nights with me, two date nights with her, two family nights (dinner and hang out together) and one whole day and night he gets to himself to play video games or whatever. Unless he's with me on our date nights, he sleeps in their shared bed at night.

Sometimes we cuddle and sleep together all in the same bed, but she and I are not sexual, and we don't have sex in front of each other. And honestly I find it hard to sleep all of us together. He has prostate issues and has to get up to pee all night long, so he's on one side. She has a CPAP so she's on the other side. I'm stuck in the middle, and I have hot flashes- and being stuck between two warm bodies is not very fun . . . but they like it, so sometimes I do it out of love for them both, and because he asks it of me.

It's a small town. They are known in the town by many. The cover story is I'm there to help them out, especially her as she has some health issues and I'm in the medical field-- and it's true, I'm helping her quite a bit to get out more, be healthier, and get stronger. And they are helping me get a fresh start after a horribly abusive marriage and divorce a year ago. But most people in town know there's probably more to this. It's a case of don't ask, don't tell. If they ask we will all deny it. Those that are near and dear to us and matter the most, they know, and give their blessings and hopes that this works out. My dear ones can see how I'm physically happier, healthier.

If you are still reading this, feel free to ask questions or comment. I'll keep updating.

 

[MeeraReed]

That sounds very sweet and healthy!

 

[Kynde]

Meow and I went to the library together today after I got off work. Sir surprised us both by showing up there after he got off work (he works about a mile away). We both went up to him and he hugged us both, and kissed Meow. Then after a few minutes he left, and as he departed he kissed me. The librarian may or may not have seen . . it's a small town. I told Sir we should be more discrete. He said it just came natural to kiss us both, and sometimes he forgets. It's too bad the world is not more accepting.

 

[Kynde]

We had a rough week due to a misunderstanding. We are fine now, and understand each other more, so it's all good. We all are good, kind people who want to all make this work and love each other. The problem was because Sir misunderstood something, and he told me one thing and he told Meow another thing. Me and Meow got irritated with each other based on this mistaken information and never talked to each other. We can laugh about it now!

Background:

Meow stays home all day and Sir and I work. We all stay in contact through group texting (funny memes or whatever) and through Marco Polo. Meow and I have our own MP channel as well since we often just chat all day about nothing much, and Sir is busy at work and can't keep up. At the end of the day I come home first and Meow greets me with a hug as I drive up. It's so lovely! And then both of us greet Sir when he comes home a bit later. And then depending on the evening plans, we either eat dinner together and have family evening of playing a card game or whatever. Or, we have evenings where I eat dinner by myself and do work, prepare for meetings the next day, etc. Or we have Date Nights where we eat dinner, then Sir comes to my home or stays at their home, and we all "go dark" after saying an early goodnight.

Problem:

So on Tuesday we had decided it was a day for me to have dinner by myself and prepare for a big work meeting the next day. I was actually stressed out and needed badly to talk to Meow after dinner about a problem I was having at work. I had sent her an email to help me look over, she was good at that stuff. I had understood that I would come over after dinner to talk to Meow about the work issue. Meow understood the same thing.

So, I came home from work, Meow greeted me and we hugged, I went to my tiny home to do my own dinner and work, and she went back to her house to cook dinner. Sir came home and I missed his arrival, but assumed they were having dinner. I heard a knock on my door at dinner time and Sir said he was saying goodnight, he and Meow were going to have Date Night. I was like, what the heck? When was that decided? Why didn't we talk about this? Why didn't Meow say anything to me about it when she hugged me when I got home from work? And then my mind started to go into overdrive/anxiety and I was thinking, "They are making decisions that affect me without involving me" and "I feel really blown off right now."

So I texted a very irritated "Good night I guess!" to the group text. And Meow was surprised and hurt by my quick goodnight. She was like, " Is she mad at me? What did I do? I guess she doesn't want to talk to me about it because she said goodnight."

The "weak link" was Sir. He had somehow mistakenly gotten the impression that he and Meow were going to have Date Night!! She had no idea it was Date Night either!! She had suggested that since I was working that evening, she and Sir could have movie night. Sir interpreted this as "Netflix and Chill." And, since I said "goodnight" very rudely in an irritated way, Meow didn't want to bother me further and didn't reach out to clarify. And since I thought they were having Date Night I didn't want to bother them. I went to bed angry. Unbeknownst to me, the "Date Night" was going poorly for Sir since Meow didn't know it was Date Night. She scrapped her plans for dinner thinking I was upset at her for some reason, she was too upset to cook, and Sir got frozen fish sticks instead of the nice dinner she had planned. haha! And she was not feeling at all romantic and let him know it!

Solution:

The next morning Sir came over to get my side of the story of why I was so upset and, hearing it, he realized his mistake. He called us together (I was late for work) and apologized for the assumptions he made and the misunderstanding it caused. We all hugged, and Meow and I made a promise to always, always call each other and check in, even if it's supposed to be Date Night or me needing to do work that evening. We would never go to bed angry again.

 

[Kynde]

Last night we talked about and decided on a schedule for the next month!! We are going to try out and make adjustments as needed---

Sunday-- Sir does weekly homestead chores in the morning. In the afternoon and evening he has time to himself to play video games or whatever. Meow and I do laundry and clean our respective homes. We have dinner in our own homes that night.

Monday-- Sir makes dinner, we have family dinner and a card game.

Tuesday- DATE NIGHT for Sir and Meow. We have dinner in our own homes.

Weds-- Family dinner, then Sir sleeps at my place that night for DATE NIGHT

Thursday- DATE NIGHT for Sir and Meow.

Friday- Family dinner and I sleep at their place all of us together. Note: Meow and I are platonic but emotionally connected.

Saturday- Meow and I have girls day since Sir works and it's my day off. We go shopping or other things. Family dinner. That evening it's DATE NIGHT for me and Sir.

 

[Kynde]

Living in the rural desert has its challenges, but it's so worth it. I wake up each morning to beautiful nature. I drive to the main paved road with quail, bunnies, and ground squirrels playing "chicken" in front of my car, and hawks, ravens, and turkey vultures soaring above. I drive 45 minutes to the city where I work. Due to a dispute with the well manager trying to overcharge everyone who shares the well, two of the families have withdrawn from using it. They now haul water to their properties. Sir and Meow are one of these families. Usually there is a water truck that comes and fills the large tank, but Sir has a backup smaller water container on a trailer for emergencies. The water pump broke late last afternoon and the house ran out of water. The animals each have their own backup containers, and my tiny home has its own water tank, so we were fine, but went into conservation mode. I took a "camping shower" with a bucket of warm water. This morning he's working on replacing the pump (he always keeps a spare), and we should be fine by the time I get home from work. But until the water truck guy comes a couple of days, Sir is going to be hauling water in small batches. And they won't be able to run the swamp cooler in the main house. They will be confined to the two small window a/c's in Meow's office and their bedroom. My tiny home has its own a/c, not a swamp cooler, so I'll be comfortable. But it's worth it! Here are some views from the land.

 

[Kynde]

Friday is sleepover night! I have to sleep in the middle, Meow on one side with her Cpap, and Sir on the other side so he can get out to pee with his prostate issue. Haha! But it's like a fun slumber party. A nice way to end the week. Right now as I'm typing this, Sir is sitting in his armchair playing video games, Meow is in her office finishing up her game on her phone, and I'm in the bed typing this on my laptop. It's nice to be together, but I also enjoy my own space sometimes. It does feel nice and safe and cozy us all sleeping together though. No canoodles-- just cuddles. I have wonderful compersion and love to see Sir and Meow share affections-- to a point. Beyond a point, it's private.

 

[Albert Ross]

It's nice to hear this arrangement is working for you both in enjoying your partner's and metamour's connection with each other, and also having space for yourself. Also,

Meow on one side with her Cpap

Sir on the other side so he can get out to pee

I'm in both these pictures and I don't like it.

 

[Kynde]

Yesterday was Sir and Meow’s 25th anniversary. I was expecting they would go out for a date on their own. I bought them a card. They have been through so much together in their 25 years and I admire them as the beautiful couple they are.

They surprised me by saying it would not be the same without us all together. When I lightly protested, saying “You two should have a date and celebrate together!” they said if their adult children or any other family were there that day, they would ask them to come along also. So, Meow and I dressed up and we went to the restaurant and waited for Sir to get off work and join us. He came in all dressed up from head to toe, down to his best cowboy boots!

We had a wonderful meal and took some photos in one corner of the restaurant that had a nice background– all of us together, him and her, her and me, me and him. This is the same restaurant where we all first met just a few months ago, and we made sure to sit at the same table. The comparison of the two sets of photos– when we first met, and last night– was remarkable, in a good way. We all look very good and comfortable together and happy. Last night when Sir kissed her, and then kissed me, for the first time I caught the look of compersion from Meow. She has always been fine with light affection between us, but that compersion look is on another level. It’s a precious gift and when you see it, you know it, and it’s a sign that things are good.

From the very beginning of our relationship, even before we met actually, it was my goal to look for long-term. It was also his goal. We are not young, and we are both tired of looking, being disappointed. We had mentioned in the beginning that if things worked out we would both love to have a handfasting In time. When we became "official" he gave me a copper ring he made himself. It has the double infinity on the top-- we were an 88% match on OKCupid and it became a special thing for us. And three strands of copper to make the body of the ring, for three of us. When we had our first encounter our hotel room was also 333. If and when we do a Handfasting, he will change out the copper ring for a silver one of the same design. This ring is a symbol of our love and family. I also wear a bracelet with "Sir" on it. That is my collar, per our unique Owner/sub Dynamic, which he got down on his knees and asked me if I would be honored to wear it. He would protect me and care for all of my needs, and love me well enough that I would want to give myself to him. Although it seems, on the surface, that he has the power, the reality is that I do. It is only with my willingness to give and keep giving that the Dynamic works. And he has to persuade me-- and keep persuading me every day-- to give myself.

 

[Kynde]

Continued from above . . .

I am a fan of long term, through thick and thin, sickness and health, etc. Working through problems. I have unfortunately been with people in the past who, it turns out, were not committed or capable of those same long term goals even as they did marry me (twice) or date long term. When things got rough, instead of holding on to our relationship, they either fell apart, or they fled. My first husband decided, as we were pregnant with our second, and very much wanted and planned child, that he regretted getting married at all. It was too much responsibility, he said. He found religion, a cult in fact, and decided he would rather be a monastic. Although he did stay true to being present and raising our children, our marriage was over. I felt like he left me, not for another woman, but for the church. He never wanted to touch me again after I had our child. My second husband, again while pregnant with our very much wanted child, fell into a very bad mental health state and was diagnosed with Bipolar. He did some very terrible things to me and to our family. I eventually forgave him, he truly was mentally ill and not in control of himself, but I could not live with the things he did.

I am a fan of those shows like “Married at First Sight” were both people are ready and willing to get married and try to make it work. This is how I entered into the relationship with Sir and Meow, and him with me. We talked beforehand, made agreements, got the blessing of Meow, and proceeded.
In the past, Sir had dated women and Meow had met them, but that’s as far as it went. No one ever “clicked” enough to get along all together. Meow’s approval of Sir’s other partners was because he is wired that way, she knows it, and he is a complicated man. They are a very happily vanilla couple, but he is not fully vanilla and enjoys a non-vanilla partner. Sex is the icing on the cake for him, in any kind of relationship. It’s more about the Dynamics– the Dom/sub that he enjoys, outside of his traditional marriage with Meow. And the polyamory/polygamy.

Meow’s background is complicated from her childhood– biker gang family, where in her family at least, it was common for people to have multiple partners and for men especially to have multiple “wives”--- while some of the wives would actually have their own wives too! Such was the case with her mother. So she is very open minded to this kind of arrangement, as long as it is above board, although she’s not so much into that herself and is satisfied with just her one husband.

Meow ideally wanted to have a long term friend and sister in one of Sir’s partners. But none of them had ever clicked with her, or had respected her role. Some of the past partners had said they were okay with poly, but then as things developed they had a problem sharing him.
Meow is getting older, and is mostly housebound due to health issues and not being able to drive. She is a very brilliant lady who has been slowed down by her health issues and some hard times. As we have gotten to know each other, she and I have very similar traumatic childhood backgrounds, and we both have deep scars and losses. We both lost our only siblings, for example, and I think we have both felt that deep loss. She is warm in her heart but very prickly on the outside. I have fears and often see the negative in a situation first. I have had years of therapy and I’m better (and meds too when appropriate). Our challenge has been to not accidentally poke at each other’s scars. Which we are learning to do.

Last weekend we hurt each other very badly without meaning to. It was something that had built up and come to a head. The last two weeks of work were awful for me. I was bringing that home. My workplace was toxic and stressful, and I was being very snappy. I was doing things that annoyed/hurt her without knowing it. And she did not tell me about them– trying to just be polite, and not rock the boat– until they built up and exploded. Sir got very upset at the situation and he kinda freaked out, thinking he was going to lose both of us. Per the agreement in the beginning, which I myself stated, I was not a home wrecker, and if it was not going to work out, I would be the first one to exit. Which I almost did.

It was not a fun weekend, but we talked, cried, and put it all back together, and are stronger than before. With a new game plan. If someone needs to talk to someone else *early* in the situation, hand a bandanna to them. When that person is ready to talk, they come back to the giver of the bandanna. They both talk, in the right frame of mind to talk and listen, and make efforts to solve the problem and clear up the misunderstanding. Before it builds up and explodes. The bottom line is, we all want this to work.

After we put ourselves back together on Saturday night, we cuddled together in the same bed, and for the first time she let down her guard, and she and I actually cuddled some and held hands. Not in a sexual way at all, but a loving way all the same. We held each other, and then he held us both at the same time. It was so beautiful.

On Monday I went in and resigned from the stressful toxic job. No job is worth my peace of mind, or hurting those I love. I am interviewing for new jobs now, with a big boundary that I will not ever bring work home with me. I will clock out and leave work at work. I have enough in savings to be okay for a couple of months. Meow went with me yesterday for moral support to resign and sat in the parking lot while I did it. She then went with me to the library to use their computer and apply for private health insurance. She has been such a supportive and good friend.

On the way home from the city we passed a pretty little farm, and right at the moment we both looked, a cow gave birth to a calf in the field next to the road. We stopped and watched mama cow licking her baby and we watched baby’s first steps in the world. We also saw the usual bunnies and ground squirrels and quail and lizards dashing across the roads, “our” Harris Hawk sitting on a very very tall Saguaro cactus on our property, and a couple of turkey vultures soaring overhead. I checked on the quail nest that’s hidden in the hay bales by the horse– mama quail moved off them to show 11 eggs. Soon we will have little dark brown puffs running around following mama quail.

Last night during the anniversary dinner they both asked me, that when the time felt right, we all have a hand fasting together. They said they hoped to make it another 25 years – with me. It was so loving. After dinner Sir had to drive home separately since his car was full of homestead/farm stuff from the farm supply store. As we headed home with Meow in the front seat next to me, I told her I never expected to find such a good person and friend in her, and I thanked her for working through the hard times together, and wanting to keep me and make this work. I told her I appreciated her position and was so grateful. She said she was grateful for me being her friend too, driving her places, hanging out with her, and seeing her for who she really was inside. I grabbed her hand to squeeze it briefly, and she, in turn, held onto my hand the whole way home.

This morning I went out to feed the chickens and then leave to drive to the city for my first job interview. Sir met me at the car as usual to give me a goodbye hug and kiss. Meow usually is a later sleeper, but this morning after he came out and did that, she came out and gave me a hug too. I drove into the city a very happy and fulfilled person, cherishing where I am today. Life is short, and very precious.

 

[Kynde]

Short entry--
Family sleepover night. Apparently I was snoring and restless. I do remember Sir telling me to roll over a couple of times. So, no one got any sleep. I am embarrassed and told them next time just send me back to my tinyhome I won't be offended at all. They said nope we love cuddles and family sleepover night. We'll just keep telling you to roll over when you snore.
(I don't snore all the time-- but was very tired last night)

 

[Kynde]

Today Meow and I went into town to do shopping and laundry. We had some nice heart to heart talks on the drive there and back. It's nice to have family harmony and love, and a built in friend in each other.

 

[Kynde]

Lots of small wildfires in our area right now. The closest ones was 2.5 miles away, this morning, but the wind was blowing it away from our property. Within a few hours it had been put out. The volunteer firefighters were busy with a tractor and water truck to create a fire line on someone's property and another volunteer was ready to load some horses onto a trailer to evacuate. I have grown up and lived in the city until my move to this homestead, so it was worrisome. We have a pretty good fire line around our property.

Sir is going to give up his quail operation. They are not cost effective. The eggs are not selling well, and he has not had time to process the adults for food for the deep freeze or to eat right away. Their food is expensive for what we get. (I am vegetarian and don't partake, and Meow doesn't care for them.) We are going to work on building a garden area for fall planting. That will be the summer project. It will have to be water conserving. Eventually we'll try to do aquaponics but not for at least a year most likely.

Last night was sleepover night, and Meow expressed in the morning that she felt left out. We never have sex in the bed or make out during group sleepovers. Sir and I are big cuddlers, while Meow does not like to be touched as she sleeps, to the point where there is a body pillow separating her from us. Sir and I were whispering here and there in the middle of the night. Neither of us are great sleepers, and I snore, and he was telling me to roll over. Or, with my hot flashes, and me sleeping in the middle, I was asking him to adjust the blankets. But, she felt left out. We agreed that if she heard us she would touch one of us (she has a CPAP mask on) and we would include her and reassure her. We just try to make sure everyone's feelings are taken care of and no one feels left out or slighted. It's a balancing act. We all are trying, with love.

Meow and I have been watching the latest season of Married at First Sight together. It's been fun and interesting to comment on the relationships, as we sit there as two women who belong to the same man. Life is certainly interesting!

Other news-- I found a new job! I am doing the training and should start in about 2 weeks. It's been a nice break to be able to spend more time as a family ironing out the wrinkles. Meow and I will be driving out of state next weekend to attend a family funeral for a family member of mine. She will meet my adult children for the first time. They are very aware of our family structure, and very accepting as long as I'm happy and it's a healthy situation.

 

[Kynde]

Meow and I went on a road trip to attend the funeral of one of my family members. Although it was sad to lose them, they lived a good long life. Which made me think more about living life while you can, loving, celebrating. And although our way of life is not conventional, neither are we, and that's okay.
On the trip Meow got to meet my two adult children! They are very supportive of whatever makes me happy and is healthy for me. We were able to hang out and see some sights, before heading back home. We had some nice heart to heart conversations in the car, and I feel we are even closer now.

Sir has expressed his desire for me to pierce my nipples, and after looking at photos and weighing the pros and cons, I did it!!! It was not as painful as I expected-- and it's a sad but true testament that I live with chronic pain, and piercing barbells under my nipples was not as painful as what I live with, and function with, every day. I think it's very sexy looking and of course he was totally flattered that I did it for him. He held one hand and Meow held the other hand during that process, and hugs all around afterwards.

I jumped right into training for my new job, which I will start next week. I have an hour commute each way but it's so worth it! There is a 10-12 degree drop in temperature from city to country due to the heat island/asphalt/concrete effect in the city. It cools off at night in the desert. Not so much in the city.

This morning as I drove out of the homestead I saw our quail family including at least 8 small babies and the two parents, 3 good sized lizards, several ground squirrels, one large squirrel, 2 fat cottontail bunnies, and a snake. Last week as I was coming home there were two large coyotes that casually walked across the road. One of them is too bold, he stood there while Meow tried to scare him off the back porch. We all have walking sticks with spikes on the ends if needed. Chickens are doing good with laying eggs. My five personal chickens lay 3-4 eggs per day. Last week I was cooking and the recipe called for eggs-- I just walked right outside and collected some! Pretty blue and brown ones, too.

It's good to be home!

 

[Kynde]

This life is both complete and lonely. I cannot share my very special relationship and family with my co workers, casual friends, neighbors, or the general public. To do so would risk my job and other negative consequences.

Living in the country, and in our area of the country, there are many folks who choose to live in alternative lifestyles of their own kind. Many of our neighbors are preppers, and/or have strong political or religious views, and some have blended families of their own, we suspect. A couple of Sir's friends know of us. He talks openly to three friends at work about it-- they each have their own brand of "lifestyle." One of those friends will sometimes come and help us with jobs on the homestead. It's nice to be open to them and be accepted, but there is a code that we don't share outside of those confidences. Those co-workers are not people I have much in common with myself. We are friendly but they are Sir's friends, not mine. My grown children know and see how happy I am, how I have lifted out of my depression, and I look physically better and healthier. Friends/co workers who don't know the source of my happiness have commented that I look great, and whatever I'm doing, it must be working for me.

Last week I had orientation and training for my new job. While generally people in my line of work are open minded, some are not, and it could potentially affect my employment. We are not a state with unions or anti discrimination policies. I got to know one women during training well, we just clicked and we had lunch together and told each other about our families. She is recently divorced with children. She asked if I was married or with anyone and I said no. I did tell her I was living on a homestead with an older couple, in my own tiny home on their property, and I help them out and we are all friends. That's the cover story. I will deny anything else, always, if anyone asks and so will Sir and Meow, except to our very closest friends and family.

I wish I knew some other families like ours in real life, where we could hang out and be ourselves. There are some poly groups in the city and we could go to those events, but I would love to have another female friend or two who I can talk to about these things, or hang out and be open about our family. I would love to be able to tell my co worker and others about my beloved chosen family. It's precious and unique, and it works for us.

 

[Kynde]

I had a "wonderful" run in with a scorpion and was stung twice on my ring finger while tending to the chickens! I spent the next 12 hours in lots of pain from that finger, up my hand, arm and ending just under my armpit. That then turned to numbness. As I write this almost a week later the tip of the finger is still numb but at least it works again! Those scorpions are no joke!

We had a tense conversation at dinner a couple of days ago. Meow and I decided to make plans that involved him without telling him. He was upset, didn't want to do the plans (go to the local aquatic center-- said he hadn't been in shorts in years and didn't want to start now) but was mostly feeling we were hanging up on him as we tried to persuade him. He then felt he was going to disappoint us by saying no, and didn't take to our teasing about his white legs needing a tan too well after a certain point. He forgot about the bandanna rule-- and allowed it to get beyond a point before getting up from the table and storming off. Tonight things had settled enough that we could talk, and agree on saying "bandanna" if needed. We are still figuring things out. We sat around the table holding hands while we talked tonight. It was very nice.

Tomorrow morning we are going to look at getting a couple of goats for weed and grass control.

Edited to add the photo-- meet Taco

 

[Kynde]

It's monsoon season officially, but only a little rain so far. Temp was over 115 and a transformer blew at the power plant. That left our whole area without electricity (including air conditioners and working well pumps) for thousands of people. It turned into an emergency. We made sure the outdoor animals had plenty of water and food, including water they could dip their feet in or lay in, packed up the house pets and fled in my very small car to my home and hour away in the city. We took showers and slept in the A/C. I let Sir and Meow have the master bedroom, and I slept in the kiddo's bed (kiddo is at their dad's house this weekend). At about 5AM I woke up and slipped into bed next to Sir. He smiled sleepily as he realized this, and said he was a Very Happy Man Indeed. Power was restored this morning, and we left back to the homestead.

Sir took this photo as we were packing up. If you look at the details you can see the horse in the foreground and a rain storm in the distance.

 

[Kynde]

We almost broke up a few days ago. For the second time, Sir's inner demons came out. He has never, and would never, hurt anyone physically except in self defense. However, he has a background of trauma from childhood with extreme verbal and emotional abuse by his father. Every so often, he gets frustrated and snaps, and he turns into another person for a little while. He did warn me about this-- that he will blow his top, walk away, cool off, come back, and apologize.

Unfortunately I also have my own demons from my traumatic childhood of abuse. So, once in awhile these two trauma personalities clash. It started out with some dumb argument via text, which is never a good idea. It escalated and he said stop, give it a break. Which he would say *as I was texting* so his "stop" came through and then my text would come after that. So he thought I was not listening to him, and then he would reply to the delayed text. To make it worse he was using voice to text and some of the things he said got lost in translation. He was seeing red and didn't read before sending. One of the texts he sent me was, "I told you that you weren't ready for Dom/sub dynamic . . . so I'm done." I was so shocked that he apparently was breaking up with me. I asked him a couple of times did he really mean this and, because he wasn't reading it, he said yes. My heart broke into pieces. (after he calmed down and read it again, he said it was two statements that got all mixed up in voice to text and he apologized profusely) He continued to text angry stuff, I did too-- that I couldn't believe he was talking to me like that, I though he loved me, etc. I had my own trauma response and mine is to flee. So I said fine, I'll come get my stuff out of the tiny home this evening and we are done, and I'll move back to my home in the city. Then he got all upset and let out a string of very nasty stuff. I called him and he then yelled at me on the phone and I hung up. I would not take that kind of treatment.

Then I texted Meow all heartbroken and said she would always be family and my sister, and let her know what was going on. She stepped in and said let's take a break from communication, and this evening she would be the moderator between Sir and I. Well, after lots of tears on my part, apologies on his part, and promises to look into anger management, as well as acknowledging he had been verbally abusive (a big step for a man who has a degree of pride), we hugged and made up. Meow really wants us to stay together as much as me and Sir do. So we are fine again.

The biggest thing that came out of this was Sir acknowledging that he had this anger problem that was hurtful. It's like he becomes another person for a time. And me acknowledging to him that I had my own other person when I get triggered into a trauma response and I flee rather than try to stick it out. We gave names to our two alter egos and promised we would try to keep them away. I have had lots of therapy over the years and he has had none and it's time for him. He accepts this.

We also have extended our safe words out of the bedroom, to any time we need to ask the other person to stop a behavior. And, as my Dom he has the ability to put me in a time out for up to 2 hours, and then we will talk if we feel we are up to it by then. Otherwise we will check back in another 2 hours later. And although our dynamic does not allow me to put him a time out, if I use the safe word he will put himself in a time out for 2 hours.

No more text debates or arguments!! Or phone calls even! If we have an issue brewing we will STOP and then only talk about it next time we are face to face.

Meow told Sir he needs to spend more time with me! Right now he has 2 nights with me and 5 at the big house. Sometimes we have family sleepovers but most of the time it's them for most of the time, and me alone in my bed most of the time. And with our busy scheduled it does sometimes feel that Sir and my 1 on 1 time is limited to Weds nights from about 8PM to 10 PM until we fall asleep (have to get up for work the next day) and Saturday nights to Sunday mornings. I've never complained about this or felt deprived, but she has a point.

This issue is beyond our poly/blended family, but when it comes up, it not only affects Sir and I, it affects Meow, who also very much wants this family to work. And my young child who I don't talk about much, but that child sees Sir and Meow as family too, and loves them.

Being in a complicated family or having a complicated lifestyle has a way of making each member examine themselves and improve themselves for the good of the whole family.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh, I had no idea you had a young child. I'd assumed there were no kids in the mix. Do Sir and Meow have kids too?

I would imagine your child is impacted by your sleeping schedule with your partner(s).

I am sorry Sir blew up at you. That sounds scary. I've found that sometimes Dom/mes are really rather fucked up, so adopt a dominant position to keep themselves safe. BDSM can be therapeutic, but it doesn't replace actual medical/behavioral therapy.

 

[Kynde]

Oh, I had no idea you had a young child. I'd assumed there were no kids in the mix. Do Sir and Meow have kids too?

I would imagine your child is impacted by your sleeping schedule with your partner(s).

I am sorry Sir blew up at you. That sounds scary. I've found that sometimes Dom/mes are really rather fucked up, so adopt a dominant position to keep themselves safe. BDSM can be therapeutic, but it doesn't replace actual medical/behavioral therapy.

I have 50/50 custody of one small child, and when I have her with me, we are discrete and don't do sleepovers or anything. We all agree the child comes first. They love her like a grandchild (we have an age difference here) and she loves them very much too. She asks to spend time with Meow a lot-- Meow has the patience to sit and do activities with child whereas I am tired out from work. The child's father is aware of our situation and is fine with it-- when I met him I was still part of my old triad. Anyway, it's all good. Many people who don't know the poly lifestyle assume it's all about sex--- but it's actually about family and love. The sex thing is a very minor part. Sir and Meow both have adult children. I have met Meow's son and he is wonderful and kind. Sir's son is out of country. My own two adult children have commented how happy I am and how happy kiddo is and give their full blessing. Which is very important to me.

RE anger issues and Dom-- the Dom/sub thing is a kink. I have never feared that he would ever physically be out of control. In 25 years of marriage to Meow he has never laid a hand on her, and he shows great respect and love for her-- and for me. It's just that right now my traumas are bumping against his traumas. Relationships do that. He has been so sorry and is getting help. I have had years of therapy and continue to do so. It's harder for men to admit they have an issue, especially his generation. He just turned 58. He's humbling himself and getting help, and is talking about his past openly rather than clamming up. I love him for doing this.

BDSM-- for me it's a way to explore and heal from my own trauma. He is the right kind of Dom-- he knows I am the one who's really in control, and he has to earn my love and respect and permission. We have a very loose contract that allows for safe words, and he is actually hesitant to explore certain things with me for fear of traumatizing me. We are taking it slow.