Thank you to this community for your support and feedback! I listen to a lot of podcasts and have watched Youtube videos about Narcissistic Abuse. I have some family history of this . . . but not until I look back and am out of the situation do I see the full patterns that happened here.
First he built me up, made me feel more amazing than I've felt in years. Honestly I like some of the changes he suggested like my new hair color and style, the nipple piercings, the feeling sexy again. I will keep those at least!!
Then he heard enough of my background story to figure out what I really wanted (love, family). He presented himself as someone who could offer those things to me. His wife went along with it-- I honestly think she's so deep into the abuse she just follows along. I am concerned for her, but she does have a son who checks on her every so often, so at least she has someone safe in her life.
He gave those things to me and made me feel great and safe for awhile.
He future-faked me. He told me all of these grand plans of things we could all do. As the abuse continued he started to withdraw those promises, even go so far as to say he doesn't remember saying that (gaslighting). This is where things started to feel weird.
Then he pounced. He started to slowly criticize everything the things that brought me joy, or the things that previously he had built up in me.
-- example-- I come from a traumatic childhood, and he knew this. He used to tell me how strong I was, how he was proud of me for surviving and being successful. That slowly turned into how broken I was, how many scars I had. And then, how messed up I was. How I needed help and therapy for those problems. And then--- "even though" I had those traumas and trauma responses and was "messed up" he loved me anyway.
-- simpler example-- not only in the big ways but the small way-- I bought the goat as a source of joy, a pet, and also to do weed control which he desperately needed on the property. I had a few days to bond with the goat. He thanked me for the addition of the goat. Then slowly he started to complain about the goat, say "it's just one more thing to take care of" even though I was taking care of it. He told me that the goat, who we were planning to let roam in the fenced in area, was "too destructive" and needed to stay in its pen. Therefore the weed problem continued. By the way the fenced area had nothing in it that the goat could have harmed. So I felt bad that the goat was in its pen all day and started to walk the goat, which brought me great joy. He then told me it was not safe to walk it around the property, he would rather he be home when I walked it. etc. In the end I offered to sell the goat to stop him complaining so much.
The Dynamic was something he introduced in the beginning of the relationship. I joined an online community and learned a lot about what a good Dom should be like. At first he was this--- or claimed to be. Then he slowly started saying he made his own rules, etc. He built me up as a good sub, and I did enjoy the clear black and white rules. It gave me security. And the power to use a safeword if needed. But then he kept telling me I was "not quite there" and needed to still work on xyz to be a good sub. So again, from building me up to tearing me down.
I remember one argument where he did a lot of circular arguing to the point where I was frustrated to tears. So I felt like I couldn't say anything right, and I just stopped talking at all. He asked me why didn't I respond, and I said because every time I open my mouth to reply you either take it in a way I didn't mean it, or you think it's wrong. So I'm done with this conversation. And that made him more upset. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. By the end I was resenting the Dynamic, which was my signal to myself that it was time to end it. Even before we had the final blow up I was planning to end it.
He would tell things to Meow and then tell different things to me, causing the two of us to have disagreements, confusion, or misunderstandings. I think that final day when things blew up, he was threatened that I wanted us to all talk together at the family meeting to clear up misunderstandings. In the past I had gone to her and she to me, and we figured out he was telling us different things, that maybe he was confused--- but then he would tell us that "you two are hanging up on me and I'm tired of it. Stop talking about me between yourselves:
He found out my most tender spots from my trauma background and history I had shared with him. At first he comforted me (as mentioned above) but later he used those things against me and did the exact same things to me that hurt me in the past. And then, is typical of this kind of abuser, he swooped in to apologize and offer comfort to me---- after just hurting me.
For example, in my past I have this scar from my mom kicking me out of my home when I was a teen. I had told him, if we don't work out, let's part peacefully, please don't just walk out or kick me out. Well, during fights he often would say, "I'd done!" and turn to leave-- for the dumbest disagreements. I felt like I'd been slapped in the heart and said don't do that again.
Well, the final day, he said, "Get the Hell out!" when I was sitting at the kitchen table in what was supposed to be "our" family home. And we had not even had a chance to start an argument yet-- it was supposed to be a family meeting. That realllly hurt me and sent me into huge fight or flight. So I fled, started packing my things. He then rushed out and tried to hug me and say sorry and I just kept saying excuse me and going around him to pack. Then when I didn't accept his offer of comfort he would shout at me and tell me fine, leave, I will delete you and block you. And then when I didn't reply, or would say, "That's fine, it's your choice what to do." he would then try to comfort me and say sorry again. And things like "We are your true family" and "No one else understands your form of crazy like I do."
Anyway, I am proud of myself, and thankful for those podcasts, YouTube videos, self help books, and personal therapists that I had in years past. I will list those in another entry. I want to turn this disaster of an experiment into something good.
I have to stop for now and get ready for work.
Thanks again for the support. This is certainly not how I saw this going, but I'm glad I'm safe and out.
