I had a rough mental health week. Life threw three big things at me last week and it was hard to handle all of them. It would have been hard to handle just one of them. On top of that I have the CPTSD, anxiety, etc. So that got triggered. I ended up having a very bad couple of days of emotional storming. I have an online therapy appt in a couple of hours. Time to start that again.
First big thing was Radha had big feels after our trip. All kinds of fears came up, some jealousy, and some stuff in her personal life she is working on. The things that involved me was apparently she saw how well matched Dino and I are, and she feared she would be squeezed out. I tried to initiate a group text and an invitation for us to all sit down together and hug and talk, but schedules didn't permit it-- and I am not sure people were trying too hard. I learned from Dino that Radha is not as experienced poly as I was led to believe . . .I don't think he was being deceptive, he just didn't tell me. Apparently she's very new poly and fell into it accidentally from dating him. Eek! Not a good situation. She is now newly dating someone of her own, and navigating that, and then I come into the picture.
So naturally that threw me all off balance and I told them both in the group text that I was not going to be someone who was going to cause problems between an established couple and I hoped we could talk this out soon. My feelings were compounded by my past trauma history and my reactionary state of being. Sid called me on my anxiety stuff-- he has it too-- and "ordered" me to get therapy. He acknowledged the difficult situation and reassured me that he and I were still good and we would get through the rest, and he does not have hierarchy in his relationships. So even though he and Radha have been together longer, I am not less important or welcomed. Still. It gives me reason to pause.
I will continue to date Dino. He and I get along very well. I welcome Radha's friendship. But I think the best thing to do right now is just let things fall where they may.
Secondly Sid and I are having some troubles. Back when we first were dating as part of a throuple years and years ago, my metamour, under the heavily into the throes of alcholism, would get drunk and tell our entire "tribe" (we were closer than just a friend group) how she felt threatened by me and I was stealing her partner away. But to my face she would tell me how I was loved and wanted. I tried to exit the situation several times but she kept apologizing and leading me back into the throuple. Sid plays "Switzerland" and instead of trying to help work this out or correct the lies to our friends, he just sat there and let things fall apart, and let my name get smeared. I eventually did leave, and so did she, and then she died of alcoholism two years later. In the meantime Sid continues to be friends with the tribe and apparently never corrected the lies that I was trying to steal him away, broke up their relationship, etc. So they shunned me and I lost all of them too.
I was very triggered that he continues to hang out with these people. He told me last week how they were all going to get together for a big dinner or something. I told him if I'm going to be part of his life, I would like to sit down with them and make things right and have him sit down with me and back me up. Or even better, he sits down and tells them the truth. (Note-- if he was no longer in touch with them that would be fine-- I would let it go-- but he still hangs out with them-- and apparently they are all concerned about his wife and me breaking them up and keep checking in on her well being!) It's now been a whole year since we have been dating, and he has not yet made this right. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum that either we correct the lies or I can't continue things. The truth matters very much to me. And he sat there all those years ago and let the lies stand, it's time to stand up for the truth.
Secondly with Sid, I have asked for a whole year if he and I can take a day trip, or small overnight trip locally, or camping. He always says yes he would like that too but every time I propose a date for this he says no. I asked him point blank if he has an understanding with his wife about overnight trips and he said no, but then why does he say he wants to do this and then he doesn't? He has been unemployed for the past 2.5 months. I proposed another trip, a short camping trip since he loves to camp, and he said no he was busy that weekend. Later I asked him, how was your weekend, and he said he puttered around the yard and went to CostCo and it was a slow weekend. This is so irritating to me. I have asked him to host our dates and he always says no, and again I asked him if his wife is objecting about him hosting, and he says no but doesn't offer an explanation. (The dates happen when his wife is working, so it's not that she's home and that would make things awkward with us being intimate and her hearing us or something). Now, his wife and I have sat down to dinner together at the beginning of dating, and we have hung out at the hot tub at his house a few times, so I know she's on board with us dating. I just suspect they have some agreements that he's not sharing with me.
So, things with Sid are on pause until I figure out what's going on and we can resolve it to my satisfaction. Why does it bother me so much? It's like me being Black, and my partner being White, and he is hanging out with a bunch of racist people, and not giving them the opportunity to grow or see another perspective. While they are his friends and no longer mine, it does not sit well with me that he keeps company with people who believe lies about someone he supposedly loves. IF he solves the lies things, and we survive that, I want to call a meeting with him, his wife, and I and talk about agreements with overnight trips and hosting at their house. If we get that far.
The last thing I'm dealing with has to do with my adult daughter, who has always had a difficult personality. She is 24 and being so rude and hurtful to me, her dad, and her 21 year old sister. This is not out of the blue, this child has been wired differently from birth to be a little short on empathy and a little tall on manipulation and selfishness. We have raised her, and her sister, with love and acceptance and trying to teach kindness and honesty and respect. My 21 year old turned out great and reassures me that I was a good mom and her dad was a good dad. The 24 year old was supported by me and her father to attend and graduate college and she now has a decent job, paying her own rent, has a partner, and seems to be doing well for someone her age. This was due to her own hard work, but also because of the love and sacrifice of her parents, who made sure she could follow her passions and get an education.
My kids' dad is here visiting from out of country (he moved back to his country a few years ago), and I think my 24 year old was threatened that both her parents, who have been divorced since 2016, are getting along well and had a pleasant dinner together to talk about our children a couple weeks ago. The usual strategy of 24 year old is to try to triangulate me and her dad but it's not working. Her dad and I both agree that her behavior is unacceptable, and her 21 year old sister is also feeling alienated. So 24 year old had a big temper tantrum. And I decided this is the last straw, and told her that until she and I can do some family therapy together, I still love her and will be there in an emergency, but t I need space. I offered that I will pay for the therapy, she just has to tell me when she's ready. It breaks my heart. I love my children deeply. Both her father and sister saw the tantrum and support me.
So, my next new "partner" for a while is going to be my own personal therapist.
But realistically we were very tired from the drive/kids/camping setup. We are not in our 20's anymore. And we had not really discussed together our feelings about intimacy in front of each other. This is the difference between different types of relationships, including poly. While some relationships-- especially comet partners where time is of the essence-- physical intimacy may play a bigger part-- in more tradtional poly it's about the "amor" part, the love, the relationship. Being Demisexual, I find more meaning in the heart feelings and the brain feelings than physical feelings. Those are a bonus-- when people have not just driven 6 hours and then set up a tent and tucked children into bed way too late.