"My petals are bruised but I'm still a flower"

[Kynde]

This is the new chapter of my life after ending a triad situation. My poly history is outlined in the first entry of my old blog.

So, I'm back home, safe, and still bits and pieces of the triad come forth. Red flags I totally glossed over. The slow water torture of the relationship getting more and more unhealthy, as my Dom got more and more controlling and crazy. I don't mind control, but that has to be balanced with respect, love, and protection. The most heartbreaking situation is when a Dom, who is supposed to protect his sub, harms them instead. And forces the sub to leave and fight back against the Dom. Looking back, there was a good deal of untreated mental illness at play, and untreated past traumas in them both. I think me coming into their lives may have churned up some of that. It was very unintentional, but maybe it forced them to look in the mirror and face things they did not want to face.

I miss my goat, Taco. And my chickens that I had to leave behind. I have one chicken left that I brought with me. I had promised my daughter that her special chicken that she raised as an FFA project would be cared for for her natural life. So she is with me and honestly seems very content to be an only chicken. She sees herself a person!

But anyway, love has entered my life again. Slowly. Sloooooowly!

I did have a rebound fling with someone. It was beautiful for a very short time, and then ended badly. I will never date baby poly again. He was a nice guy from an adjoining state who was entering poly along with his wife, who was exploring bisexuality. They were, of course, looking for a unicorn. I told them no thank you. I'm not bi and also I don't do the triad thing. Never again!!! It started as an on line friendship about a month before things blew up with the Homesteading triad. We got closer emotionally through text and video. We had a lovely romantic weekend at a national park. I got home and all his insecurities exploded. I had told him I will be dating others, and I'm into BDSM and there may be time I have marks on my body from that, or from sex with others. He has to be okay with that, and with me having sex with others. He asked me to put other romantic interests on hold while we developed our relationship. I was like, um, no, that's not how it works. You have your wife, who do I have besides a man who lives in another state? And he said BDSM was anti-feminist. In the end I tried to end it gently and as friends. I think his pride was hurt and he expressed anger and not a lot of grace at our parting. But lessons learned. And I'm very very proud of my boundaries!!

So, I have two new partners. Taking it slow. No sexual encounters for 60 days (starting a month ago). One reason is emotionally, trying to avoid the throes of NRE which will cloud my judgement and may crash and burn badly. I am looking for long term. Two, STI testing (allowing for latent period-- testing 60 days after last encounter) to make myself more available for new partners and them to me.

Both new partners are men who I've had previous history with, and who are safe to me. Both know my history, both past history and recent.
Their names here will be--

"Sid" and "Summit"


NOTE:
Name of the blog was inspired by this song Persephone by Allison Russell

 

[Kynde]

I love how as poly people, we can have relationships overlap. Some are new, some are running their course, some are mature and for a lifetime.

I had a wonderful relationship with a man "Sid" that ended 7 years ago. It was hot and passionate, but also so much in common, and truly we loved each other. Life forced us to part ways after 1.5 years of dating. We promised each other we'd love each other "til the end of time." And we have. We would send emails back and forth here and there, with months or even a year passing in between some of them. We had reconnected again about 6 weeks before I left the homestead. All platonic talk, but the love still burns there.

So a couple weeks ago, after I told him how it went down at the homestead, we both thought, when the time is right, we'd love to reconnect and have a proper relationship again. The first time he came to my house, the first time we've seen each other in 7 years, we just looked at each other, hugged, and kissed. It felt as if no time had passed, very familiar and cozy and wonderful. I have had three dates with him since then, daily check-ins by text and sharing memes, having conversations, and he calls me on the way home from work in the car.

Last week I met his wife and we all had dinner together, a nice conversation, and a soak in their hot tub (not sexual at all). The dinner and hot tub went very well. She is poly too, but only has one long distance partner. Due to her profession she can't be open at all. He has not had another partner since the pandemic, but together they do attend a sex-positive retreat a couple times a year. Part of my vetting process with a new partner is to meet any nesting partner they have to get a good feel on if they are truly accepting and okay with me dating their partner.

I stayed very non-sexual and didn't even kiss or hold hands in front of her, but at the end he pulled me into his arms and hugged and kissed me. When I looked at her, she was standing back and smiling, with a look of true compersion on her face.

We plan to have a date about once a week. Sometimes that will be at their house, and sometimes it will be a proper date out, or at my house. We are not planning to be intimate in any way until mid-December, at the earliest, a slow burn. This will also allow for him to be 60 days past his sex-positive retreat to be STI safe. It's wonderful. There is no NRE this time around, just warm fuzzies and love.

 

[Kynde]

So "Summit"--- he has come and gone in my life. I met him 8 years ago on one date through a dating app. We had definite chemistry, and had a lovely brunch and conversation. At the time I felt he was too busy for me, as I put it, "Your dance card is too full." I was not sure how he would have room for me, and I needed more than I felt he could offer, time wise. Besides having a family, he had at least 2 or 3 other partners. He also didn't ever do sleepovers, and was very hesitant to meet the children of partners for a very long time, and not be involved in their lives as more than a friend.

Fast forward-- a year and a half ago I ran into him at a poly game night. I was with another partner at the time. He remembered me. About 7 months later I was on a dating site again, and there he was! I texted him to say hello and he texted back. We did some hiking, which is his main way of getting to know people. At that time I was also concentrating and focusing more on the homestead guy. I should have picked Summit instead, but homestead guy was offering more of what I was looking for- -the family package of him, his wife, a homestead, and acceptance of my child. And homestead guy was also requesting that I not date anyone else until we got to know each other better. Big mistake and red flag, but I didn't see it, of course. So after a couple of hikes I said I was going to focus on homestead guy. I did stay in touch with Summit through messaging and I ran into him a couple of times at poly events and we were friendly. During that time I also got to know his two other partners a little bit-- we all liked each other.

When things blew up with homestead guy and I moved back to my city home, I had let Summit know what was going on. He was so sympathetic. Summit is a BDSM Dom and has a great reputation in the community as being a good one. So he asked, when the time was right, if I'd like to go on a hike with him and talk again. Naturally he's very cautious after two false starts. I don't blame him. But we've been hiking weekly, long talks, and then we started the vetting process. It's very meticulous! He is doing it the right way. We've had two wonderful hikes where I gave him permission to give me a good spanking and it was wonderful. Vetting is complete, the feelings have grown in the heart for us both. We decided to officially move forward to dating!

Two weeks ago I attended a poly support group where he and one of his partners also attended, and it was wonderful to have him sit in the middle between us both and hold our hands. I had the chance to talk more with his partner and she's wonderful and friendly and told him she likes me a lot. A couple days ago we attended a poly pool party together and I sang Karaoke for the first time ever, and they both sang with me for moral support!

I see him about once a week, but he is available more than that by messaging. I don't expect him to be there all the time--- he is busy-- but he always gets back to me with thoughtful replies within hours. And that is important to me. We plan to have our first official BDSM scene soon.

So, having two partners who I see about once a week, it's perfect balance for me with my child time, work time, and very important personal time! I feel safe, cared about, and fulfilled.

 

[Kynde]

Weekend updates--
I am starting to think that Sid doesn't have enough time for the kind of relationship I was expecting. That is not a criticism, it's just perhaps a mismatch of needs or expectations. I get the feeling he's tiptoeing around and trying to fit me in where there is a little bit of room, when he and his wife are not together. I think he's trying to make her not feel impacted by a budding relationship with me.
--For example he texts to offer a phone call when he's driving to/from work, which I am sometimes able to take him up on. But not any other time.
--His weekends seem to be mostly free with just mundane chores and TV watching but he has not mentioned any time together, which I have requested booking a few weeks into the future.
--Last weekend I was in the neighborhood and I made arrangements to drop by and get my watch that I'd left there at the hottub dinner. He was standing outside with it when I drove up. He gave me the quickest hug and kiss, handed me the watch, and turned to go back inside. I asked if his wife was there, it felt rude to not say hi to her, and he said she was home. I asked if I could go in and just say a quick hi, and I did. But it didn't feel right.
--Last week was a very very significant date for us on the Harvest moon . . .I won't go into details here but I had asked him if he was free that night for just about an hour. He didn't get back to me. So that night I sent him a sentimental message. He did reply that maybe next year we can be together on that day. The next day during a phone call while he was driving I asked if he was busy and he said he wasn't doing much the night before, just watching TV, nothing special. I thought to myself, it would have been nice if he'd taken an hour to be with me.
-- The final straw was today I called him after he said he was just doing yardwork. He talked for a couple minutes, then I heard his wife's voice in the background. He said "I gotta go" and hung up on me.

I feel like I'm getting breadcrumbs. Or, what I wonder is maybe he is not trying to rock the boat with his wife. He had told me she was poly, but the more I learn, I think she's more of a swinger type, and their encounters with other people are at the sex positive events, not outside of that. So, I wonder if he's trying to manage her fears and feelings. I certainly don't want to cause trouble in their marriage-- I will exit if I think that's the problem. It feels like this is just fizzling out. Or maybe just on standby. It's okay if it is. I will talk about it with him soon--- if I'm able to get any time with him to have that conversation. Talking to him when he's driving to or from work in heavy traffic is not the time. But there never seems to be the time to talk. I am listening to my instincts on this one. And accepting it for what it is. Or maybe isn't. I deserve better.

Things with Summit, on the other hand, are growing wonderfully. We had another wonderful hike last week and talked deeply, kissed some, and connected. We plan to see each other again twice in the next 2 weeks. Once will be at my house for a more deeper intimate time (still within bounds of pre-STI final testing) and once will be our first official BDSM session! This is after weeks and hours and hours of talking things through, making sure we are on the same page, communication, and planning.

And yet more exciting news-- I have found myself a cuddle buddy! Summit never does overnights, which he told me up front, and I have accepted. I have no idea what's going on with Sid, but the bottom line is that I spend my nights alone wishing I had a warm body to sleep next to and cuddle with sometimes. So, I put up an ad on a local dating website looking for one. Amongst the icky replies, and nicer ones but they clearly didn't see what I was looking for, I found Traveler's reply. He has an excellent "resume" as having taken local cuddle workshops which teach boundaries and to state what you need and want. He is already part of our local poly community and known (but not well) by Summit. He was looking for a cuddle partner himself, who was already partnered with others. He doesn't have time for a full time relationship, but misses the warmth and connection of touch and cuddles. We have texted many texts the past few days, and after a background check, we decided to meet for dinner. There was a very good, warm connection there. So, I spent a lovely night in his arms at his house. Boundaries were respected, and it felt safe and wonderful. We figured out that we have room for twice per week of overnights most weeks. There are no expectations other than warmth, cuddles, and friendship.

 

[Kynde]

I texted Sid about my feelings, saying that I felt hurt about the abrupt ending of the phone call, and the other things mentioned above, and I was wondering if he was somewhat hiding our relationship from his wife, or tiptoeing around her feelings. I invited him to discuss the future of things, and to think about how he wants to fit me into his life-- or if he still does. I said until then I'd like to pause things. I feel I am getting breadcrumbs of his time and effort, and that his words that I'm important to him don't match his actions. I sent it later in the afternoon. He didn't read it until the next morning. He replied that did make an effort, such as calling me yesterday morning while doing yardwork even though it was a very busy day for him. (I, in fact, called him!! I don't know he got that mixed up!) He did not mention why he cut me off mid-sentence with "gotta go" and hung up on me when his wife started talking to him! So that's that.

I was not intimate with him, which was also wise. My head was thinking clearly. My body was tensing up telling me something was wrong here. I didn't have the physical connection with him to cloud my mind. Furthermore I am proud of myself. My boundaries. My expectations. I don't expect to be anyone's center of attention, especially someone with a spouse or nesting partners. I do expect to be treated with respect and made to feel wanted.

I updated Summit about this, not sharing a lot of details, but letting him know that my relationship with Sid was on pause and/or ended at the moment. Summit is a stark contrast to Sid, as far as him making me feel valued, heard, and wanted. His communication skills are excellent. I always know what to expect, and he often will ask me to clarify on things to make sure he understands. Summit has several partners. I don't expect to see him often, and I don't expect him to reply right away to messages. But, he makes time for me, and it's quality time. He always gets back to my messages with thoughtful replies. He is interested in my safety and personal growth. This is a good person and a good Dom.

 

[Kynde]

Summit and I and his 3 year partner Kitty met at the local BDSM dungeon for an impact class. I am loving the BDSM/kink community more and more. I feel like I've entered the "misfit club" of society, and they are some of the most supportive, accepting, loving, and ethical people I've ever met. They are all ages and walks of life. It was nice to sit there in a circle of folding chairs with Summit in the middle and me and Kitty each holding one of his hands, and no one batting an eye about it. There were other poly people there too. The more time I spend around Kitty the more I really like her as a person. She and I have a similar vibe, She's always been very warm and welcoming to me. I've let her know how much I appreciate that. We have a plan to attend an event together that Summit may not make, and that's okay-- it's more of something we are both interested in.

Sid has been texting me "good morning" and "pleasant dreams" nearly every day. He recently sent me an email expressing his feelings about how things are and what he hopes for things to be in the future. I told him thank you for the email, I will reply later when I have time for a thoughtful reply. I stand by my decision, more so based on his email, that it's not a good situation for me. I think he and his wife are both nice people and would never want to hurt me, but it's just not a good fit. I can see that someone (probably me) will get hurt eventually. The way he talks he is more about the ENM lifestyle than poly with a full romantic relationship with "feels." And that's fine, but it's not a good fit for me.

Traveler and I have been enjoying a lot of friendly texting and a 2 hour phone call this week. He plans to come and spend the night and we will cuddle. It's wonderful to be able to fulfill that need in each other. Summit and I have a scheduled BSDM scene today and afterwards Traveler has offered to provide some aftercare for me. I feel so embraced and cared about right now!

Life has shown me that things are never permanent, at least not for me. But right now I am feeling very lucky and blessed. And proud of myself that I'm maintaining boundaries, trying to make better choices, and still being open to opportunities for connection.