"My petals are bruised but I'm still a flower"

[Kynde]

This is the new chapter of my life after ending a triad situation. My poly history is outlined in the first entry of my old blog.

So, I'm back home, safe, and still bits and pieces of the triad come forth. Red flags I totally glossed over. The slow water torture of the relationship getting more and more unhealthy, as my Dom got more and more controlling and crazy. I don't mind control, but that has to be balanced with respect, love, and protection. The most heartbreaking situation is when a Dom, who is supposed to protect his sub, harms them instead. And forces the sub to leave and fight back against the Dom. Looking back, there was a good deal of untreated mental illness at play, and untreated past traumas in them both. I think me coming into their lives may have churned up some of that. It was very unintentional, but maybe it forced them to look in the mirror and face things they did not want to face.

I miss my goat, Taco. And my chickens that I had to leave behind. I have one chicken left that I brought with me. I had promised my daughter that her special chicken that she raised as an FFA project would be cared for for her natural life. So she is with me and honestly seems very content to be an only chicken. She sees herself a person!

But anyway, love has entered my life again. Slowly. Sloooooowly!

I did have a rebound fling with someone. It was beautiful for a very short time, and then ended badly. I will never date baby poly again. He was a nice guy from an adjoining state who was entering poly along with his wife, who was exploring bisexuality. They were, of course, looking for a unicorn. I told them no thank you. I'm not bi and also I don't do the triad thing. Never again!!! It started as an on line friendship about a month before things blew up with the Homesteading triad. We got closer emotionally through text and video. We had a lovely romantic weekend at a national park. I got home and all his insecurities exploded. I had told him I will be dating others, and I'm into BDSM and there may be time I have marks on my body from that, or from sex with others. He has to be okay with that, and with me having sex with others. He asked me to put other romantic interests on hold while we developed our relationship. I was like, um, no, that's not how it works. You have your wife, who do I have besides a man who lives in another state? And he said BDSM was anti-feminist. In the end I tried to end it gently and as friends. I think his pride was hurt and he expressed anger and not a lot of grace at our parting. But lessons learned. And I'm very very proud of my boundaries!!

So, I have two new partners. Taking it slow. No sexual encounters for 60 days (starting a month ago). One reason is emotionally, trying to avoid the throes of NRE which will cloud my judgement and may crash and burn badly. I am looking for long term. Two, STI testing (allowing for latent period-- testing 60 days after last encounter) to make myself more available for new partners and them to me.

Both new partners are men who I've had previous history with, and who are safe to me. Both know my history, both past history and recent.
Their names here will be--

"Sid" and "Summit"


NOTE:
Name of the blog was inspired by this song Persephone by Allison Russell

 

[Kynde]

I love how as poly people, we can have relationships overlap. Some are new, some are running their course, some are mature and for a lifetime.

I had a wonderful relationship with a man "Sid" that ended 7 years ago. It was hot and passionate, but also so much in common, and truly we loved each other. Life forced us to part ways after 1.5 years of dating. We promised each other we'd love each other "til the end of time." And we have. We would send emails back and forth here and there, with months or even a year passing in between some of them. We had reconnected again about 6 weeks before I left the homestead. All platonic talk, but the love still burns there.

So a couple weeks ago, after I told him how it went down at the homestead, we both thought, when the time is right, we'd love to reconnect and have a proper relationship again. The first time he came to my house, the first time we've seen each other in 7 years, we just looked at each other, hugged, and kissed. It felt as if no time had passed, very familiar and cozy and wonderful. I have had three dates with him since then, daily check-ins by text and sharing memes, having conversations, and he calls me on the way home from work in the car.

Last week I met his wife and we all had dinner together, a nice conversation, and a soak in their hot tub (not sexual at all). The dinner and hot tub went very well. She is poly too, but only has one long distance partner. Due to her profession she can't be open at all. He has not had another partner since the pandemic, but together they do attend a sex-positive retreat a couple times a year. Part of my vetting process with a new partner is to meet any nesting partner they have to get a good feel on if they are truly accepting and okay with me dating their partner.

I stayed very non-sexual and didn't even kiss or hold hands in front of her, but at the end he pulled me into his arms and hugged and kissed me. When I looked at her, she was standing back and smiling, with a look of true compersion on her face.

We plan to have a date about once a week. Sometimes that will be at their house, and sometimes it will be a proper date out, or at my house. We are not planning to be intimate in any way until mid-December, at the earliest, a slow burn. This will also allow for him to be 60 days past his sex-positive retreat to be STI safe. It's wonderful. There is no NRE this time around, just warm fuzzies and love.

 

[Kynde]

So "Summit"--- he has come and gone in my life. I met him 8 years ago on one date through a dating app. We had definite chemistry, and had a lovely brunch and conversation. At the time I felt he was too busy for me, as I put it, "Your dance card is too full." I was not sure how he would have room for me, and I needed more than I felt he could offer, time wise. Besides having a family, he had at least 2 or 3 other partners. He also didn't ever do sleepovers, and was very hesitant to meet the children of partners for a very long time, and not be involved in their lives as more than a friend.

Fast forward-- a year and a half ago I ran into him at a poly game night. I was with another partner at the time. He remembered me. About 7 months later I was on a dating site again, and there he was! I texted him to say hello and he texted back. We did some hiking, which is his main way of getting to know people. At that time I was also concentrating and focusing more on the homestead guy. I should have picked Summit instead, but homestead guy was offering more of what I was looking for- -the family package of him, his wife, a homestead, and acceptance of my child. And homestead guy was also requesting that I not date anyone else until we got to know each other better. Big mistake and red flag, but I didn't see it, of course. So after a couple of hikes I said I was going to focus on homestead guy. I did stay in touch with Summit through messaging and I ran into him a couple of times at poly events and we were friendly. During that time I also got to know his two other partners a little bit-- we all liked each other.

When things blew up with homestead guy and I moved back to my city home, I had let Summit know what was going on. He was so sympathetic. Summit is a BDSM Dom and has a great reputation in the community as being a good one. So he asked, when the time was right, if I'd like to go on a hike with him and talk again. Naturally he's very cautious after two false starts. I don't blame him. But we've been hiking weekly, long talks, and then we started the vetting process. It's very meticulous! He is doing it the right way. We've had two wonderful hikes where I gave him permission to give me a good spanking and it was wonderful. Vetting is complete, the feelings have grown in the heart for us both. We decided to officially move forward to dating!

Two weeks ago I attended a poly support group where he and one of his partners also attended, and it was wonderful to have him sit in the middle between us both and hold our hands. I had the chance to talk more with his partner and she's wonderful and friendly and told him she likes me a lot. A couple days ago we attended a poly pool party together and I sang Karaoke for the first time ever, and they both sang with me for moral support!

I see him about once a week, but he is available more than that by messaging. I don't expect him to be there all the time--- he is busy-- but he always gets back to me with thoughtful replies within hours. And that is important to me. We plan to have our first official BDSM scene soon.

So, having two partners who I see about once a week, it's perfect balance for me with my child time, work time, and very important personal time! I feel safe, cared about, and fulfilled.

 

[Kynde]

Weekend updates--
I am starting to think that Sid doesn't have enough time for the kind of relationship I was expecting. That is not a criticism, it's just perhaps a mismatch of needs or expectations. I get the feeling he's tiptoeing around and trying to fit me in where there is a little bit of room, when he and his wife are not together. I think he's trying to make her not feel impacted by a budding relationship with me.
--For example he texts to offer a phone call when he's driving to/from work, which I am sometimes able to take him up on. But not any other time.
--His weekends seem to be mostly free with just mundane chores and TV watching but he has not mentioned any time together, which I have requested booking a few weeks into the future.
--Last weekend I was in the neighborhood and I made arrangements to drop by and get my watch that I'd left there at the hottub dinner. He was standing outside with it when I drove up. He gave me the quickest hug and kiss, handed me the watch, and turned to go back inside. I asked if his wife was there, it felt rude to not say hi to her, and he said she was home. I asked if I could go in and just say a quick hi, and I did. But it didn't feel right.
--Last week was a very very significant date for us on the Harvest moon . . .I won't go into details here but I had asked him if he was free that night for just about an hour. He didn't get back to me. So that night I sent him a sentimental message. He did reply that maybe next year we can be together on that day. The next day during a phone call while he was driving I asked if he was busy and he said he wasn't doing much the night before, just watching TV, nothing special. I thought to myself, it would have been nice if he'd taken an hour to be with me.
-- The final straw was today I called him after he said he was just doing yardwork. He talked for a couple minutes, then I heard his wife's voice in the background. He said "I gotta go" and hung up on me.

I feel like I'm getting breadcrumbs. Or, what I wonder is maybe he is not trying to rock the boat with his wife. He had told me she was poly, but the more I learn, I think she's more of a swinger type, and their encounters with other people are at the sex positive events, not outside of that. So, I wonder if he's trying to manage her fears and feelings. I certainly don't want to cause trouble in their marriage-- I will exit if I think that's the problem. It feels like this is just fizzling out. Or maybe just on standby. It's okay if it is. I will talk about it with him soon--- if I'm able to get any time with him to have that conversation. Talking to him when he's driving to or from work in heavy traffic is not the time. But there never seems to be the time to talk. I am listening to my instincts on this one. And accepting it for what it is. Or maybe isn't. I deserve better.

Things with Summit, on the other hand, are growing wonderfully. We had another wonderful hike last week and talked deeply, kissed some, and connected. We plan to see each other again twice in the next 2 weeks. Once will be at my house for a more deeper intimate time (still within bounds of pre-STI final testing) and once will be our first official BDSM session! This is after weeks and hours and hours of talking things through, making sure we are on the same page, communication, and planning.

And yet more exciting news-- I have found myself a cuddle buddy! Summit never does overnights, which he told me up front, and I have accepted. I have no idea what's going on with Sid, but the bottom line is that I spend my nights alone wishing I had a warm body to sleep next to and cuddle with sometimes. So, I put up an ad on a local dating website looking for one. Amongst the icky replies, and nicer ones but they clearly didn't see what I was looking for, I found Traveler's reply. He has an excellent "resume" as having taken local cuddle workshops which teach boundaries and to state what you need and want. He is already part of our local poly community and known (but not well) by Summit. He was looking for a cuddle partner himself, who was already partnered with others. He doesn't have time for a full time relationship, but misses the warmth and connection of touch and cuddles. We have texted many texts the past few days, and after a background check, we decided to meet for dinner. There was a very good, warm connection there. So, I spent a lovely night in his arms at his house. Boundaries were respected, and it felt safe and wonderful. We figured out that we have room for twice per week of overnights most weeks. There are no expectations other than warmth, cuddles, and friendship.

 

[Kynde]

I texted Sid about my feelings, saying that I felt hurt about the abrupt ending of the phone call, and the other things mentioned above, and I was wondering if he was somewhat hiding our relationship from his wife, or tiptoeing around her feelings. I invited him to discuss the future of things, and to think about how he wants to fit me into his life-- or if he still does. I said until then I'd like to pause things. I feel I am getting breadcrumbs of his time and effort, and that his words that I'm important to him don't match his actions. I sent it later in the afternoon. He didn't read it until the next morning. He replied that did make an effort, such as calling me yesterday morning while doing yardwork even though it was a very busy day for him. (I, in fact, called him!! I don't know he got that mixed up!) He did not mention why he cut me off mid-sentence with "gotta go" and hung up on me when his wife started talking to him! So that's that.

I was not intimate with him, which was also wise. My head was thinking clearly. My body was tensing up telling me something was wrong here. I didn't have the physical connection with him to cloud my mind. Furthermore I am proud of myself. My boundaries. My expectations. I don't expect to be anyone's center of attention, especially someone with a spouse or nesting partners. I do expect to be treated with respect and made to feel wanted.

I updated Summit about this, not sharing a lot of details, but letting him know that my relationship with Sid was on pause and/or ended at the moment. Summit is a stark contrast to Sid, as far as him making me feel valued, heard, and wanted. His communication skills are excellent. I always know what to expect, and he often will ask me to clarify on things to make sure he understands. Summit has several partners. I don't expect to see him often, and I don't expect him to reply right away to messages. But, he makes time for me, and it's quality time. He always gets back to my messages with thoughtful replies. He is interested in my safety and personal growth. This is a good person and a good Dom.

 

[Kynde]

Summit and I and his 3 year partner Kitty met at the local BDSM dungeon for an impact class. I am loving the BDSM/kink community more and more. I feel like I've entered the "misfit club" of society, and they are some of the most supportive, accepting, loving, and ethical people I've ever met. They are all ages and walks of life. It was nice to sit there in a circle of folding chairs with Summit in the middle and me and Kitty each holding one of his hands, and no one batting an eye about it. There were other poly people there too. The more time I spend around Kitty the more I really like her as a person. She and I have a similar vibe, She's always been very warm and welcoming to me. I've let her know how much I appreciate that. We have a plan to attend an event together that Summit may not make, and that's okay-- it's more of something we are both interested in.

Sid has been texting me "good morning" and "pleasant dreams" nearly every day. He recently sent me an email expressing his feelings about how things are and what he hopes for things to be in the future. I told him thank you for the email, I will reply later when I have time for a thoughtful reply. I stand by my decision, more so based on his email, that it's not a good situation for me. I think he and his wife are both nice people and would never want to hurt me, but it's just not a good fit. I can see that someone (probably me) will get hurt eventually. The way he talks he is more about the ENM lifestyle than poly with a full romantic relationship with "feels." And that's fine, but it's not a good fit for me.

Traveler and I have been enjoying a lot of friendly texting and a 2 hour phone call this week. He plans to come and spend the night and we will cuddle. It's wonderful to be able to fulfill that need in each other. Summit and I have a scheduled BSDM scene today and afterwards Traveler has offered to provide some aftercare for me. I feel so embraced and cared about right now!

Life has shown me that things are never permanent, at least not for me. But right now I am feeling very lucky and blessed. And proud of myself that I'm maintaining boundaries, trying to make better choices, and still being open to opportunities for connection.

 

[Kynde]

Ahhhhh the highs and lows of dating life!!!!!
Summit-- we had our first full BDSM scene, and it was very wonderful. I was proud of myself, and I felt very close to him. But . . . it disinigrated and fell apart after that. I still am not sure what happened. I know it wasn't me. I shared the series of texts with two BSDM friends and two "regular" friends to make sure it was him being a jerk, and not me overreacting or misinterpreting things. It was him.

So . . .we are now broken up.

Here's how it went down.

Reminder-- Summit has three partners-- his long time collared partner, his 1 year married partner, and me. Plus he's always looking for more . . and very flirty.

Saturday-- we had the scene from 9AM to about 1PM, including talking beforehand, the scene, and some cuddles and aftercare. The aftercare was less than I expected. But I was also in a subspace state due to the endorphins, so thus a bit impaired.
* Subspace is caused by total submission and endorphins. It's a state of euphoria and amazing.
* Subdrop is a state that is caused by the drop of those endorphins and the Dom has to support the sub through that as part of their duty. Sub drop can happen hours to several days after the scene.

Sunday-- He told me he might be a bit distant due to prepping for a big public event he was hosting for the poly community, but to check in if I needed anything. Personally I felt that he should have been the one to check in with me, as the Dom-- even "how are you feeling?" But he didn't. I sent him a text on Sunday saying I was doing good. Part of this is that Traveler had come over on Saturday night to cuddle and spend the night (non sexual).

Monday-- I went to work and then to the event to support him. It was loud and crowded. He was playing host most of the night, but did take some time to come and kiss me and chat a bit. I had a nice conversation with my metamour. He was also flirting quite a bit with a very young woman in her 20's. I don't mind the flirting at all, but there is a reason I mentioned her age here. Summit is in his late 50's. At the event I was starting to feel off. I needed more than the causal attention. I needed to have some aftercare. I knew I was dropping.

Tuesday-- I felt like crap. I felt like I had the flu, emotionally. And tired physically. My body was still a bit sore from the scene and the endorphins were definitely worn off. And I was feeling insecure by him being less chatty by text since the scene and less available. I was initiating conversation and he was briefly replying when he was able. Also, he had not yet scheduled our time for the week, which was always Weds or Thurs. Usually we scheduled that by the prior Saturday. I started to feel anxious and something was definitely off. (I also have some abandonment trauma but was trying to power through that.) He finally got back to me in the afternoon, saying sorry he took so long to schedule, can we do Wednesday for our time together. I told him I was not feeling great emotionally.

Wednesday-- I make it through the workday, then we meet for an evening hike. Normally we greet warmly with kisses, but he was "off". He said he was not feeling great from some vaccines he had gotten. Understandable. During the hike this happened---
1) He was very excited about two women in their 20's that he was wanting to explore things with. He went on about this quite a bit while I listened. I thought- that's quite an age difference, and his other partners are more middle aged women. . but the bigger issue-- I asked him did he ever feel a time when he had more partners than he could give adequate time to. He said yes, and he was about at that point now.
2) He asked how things were going with Traveler. I told him that it was a lovely budding relationship, and we were starting to feel emotionally connected, and it had the probability of progressing to intimacy at some point, but it was going to be a slow burn. I wanted to be careful with my heart. He asked how often I see him and I said 2x a week overnights. Summit stopped suddenly, I almost bumped into him, and said, "Two times a week?? And overnights?? That's pretty fast!! That's a lot!" I started to feel defensive, and said it feels a mutual need for the two of us, and why not?
* Summit had expressed jealousy before, and it was clear this was becoming a problem. He had asked that if I bring partners to social events where we are all going, that I tell him ahead of time (reasonable request) and that if he's hosting (he only hosts in public places) I not bring partners because it might make him feel "trapped" with his jealousy (not reasonable). This has come up that Traveler had wanted to attend the Monday event, as he often did even before meeting me. But he bowed out to make Summit feel more comfortable. I told Summit I wanted to sit down and talk about this and see if we can work this out at a future date.
3) He then shared that he and his long time partner had been through something difficult in the past together, and he shared that situation with me. I offered that it must have been difficult to face that, but I was glad that since life threw that at them, the had been able to lean on each other for support. He stopped suddenly again and snapped at me "You are silver lining it! You totally just diminished the severity of the situation!" And he dropped my hand. I apologized right away and tried to explain myself. He was withdrawn the rest of the hike. I tried to explain that in my own life practice, I try to find something positive something to be grateful for in a bad situation, and I was sorry I had applied my own life practice instead of just listening. He still was sulky. We got back to the trail head and were about to head to our cars instead of the usual snuggles and kisses. He did try to do this at my request but it was very cold.

Thursday-- I felt like crap emotionally. I was really feeling low and something was off and I could see that I was losing trust in what I thought had been a very stable loving budding relationship. I summed up my feelings that morning in a long text-- and apologized again for not just simply listening to his problem. I told him I was feeling emotionally down. He replied later that afternoon with the summary being that if I continued to diminish his feelings during the recounting of a painful experience, he would not tell me anything deep again. I lost it. Broke down, had complete sub drop and abandonment issues, and was crying when I left work. Tried to pull myself out of it, but was really bad. I was talking myself down. He did try to send me positive affirmations and told me I was a good girl, but made no efforts to try to call me or anything.

Friday-- In the morning I reached out to him, told him I think we needed to pause emotional and deep conversation until we could meet face to face again. He agreed. He then went silent. I was in so much pain, I did lean on a Dom friend in Canada (I'm in the U.S). for help and he talked me through things and helped me more than Summit even came close to. He checked on me every few hours.

Saturday-- I sent Summit a couple of memes and some neutral conversation. He did respond back with some emojis but that's it.

Sunday-- Radio silence from Summit.

Monday-- I sent him a text asking if he was okay, it's been 1.5 days, etc.

I have attached the screen shots of the texting from there. His final reply was "As you wish, peace, Namaste"

I am very sad. But also proud of myself for holding my own boundaries. I still am not sure how this went down so fast, but I don't think it was me. It felt like I was entering the "devalue" and "discard" phase of a narcissistic cycle. Perhaps he was letting things with me go as he was pursuing the 20 year olds. Perhaps he was having some kind of mental health issue of his own. I don't know. But it was crappy.

 

[Magdlyn]

Ugh! Summit sounds like a NRE junkie and user/player. He got what he wanted out of you-- one session. Now he's moved on to pursuing the 20 year olds. That sucks and I feel bad for you, especially with your severe sub drop and abandonment issues making everything worse.

Doms can be real immature assholes. Sometimes you find out right away. Sometimes it takes months or even years.

And Sid obviously does not have his wife's full consent to date you.

Next!

 

[Kynde]

So . . . update #2. It was too much to write on both updates at once.
This is the update on Sid (the long time love, we took a long break, tried to date, put it on pause).

He has stayed in touch with small texts every day or every other day. We had agreed on this. To build a friendship, and give him a chance to work on his own personal issues, wife consent, etc. Last week we had a long conversation. He admitted he was trying to preemptively manage his wife's jealousy or what he felt might be her jealousy. He never talked to her about it. This led to some very fishy behavior on his part (as described previously). When he told his wife I put things on pause, apparently she was upset at him, after finding out why. He is now talking to his wife about things more openly. She is on board, wants to have more metamour time at their home (dinner, hang out etc). And talk and get to know each other better. She also has encouraged him to have more one on one time with me. He says he feels foolish that he tried to manage this the wrong way. But at the same time ,he was basing it on our previous shared experience of the metamour/partner who had been very jealous and was also crazymaking.
I am attaching part of a text conversation.
Time will tell on this one. I'm letting it have the time, I'm letting it go forward again. He has to prove himself.
I told him no intimacy until at least mid-December. That will be 2 months to see where it might or might not go. And how it will go.

By the way TTEOT was our thing we used to say to each other-- Til The End of Time-- our love. And what we said last time we broke up years ago. That life was not working out for us to be together, but we would love each other TTEOT.

"Love is the Law" is in reference to a retreat we both went to way back in the day. "For you I take the Holy Risk to love as I must. Love is the Law."

Update #3-- I am in the very very early stages of vetting another possible Dom. At this point just a play partner, but the D/s partnership is one of trust, even if it's just in scene and not in "real life." It takes time also.

 

[Kynde]

I'm going to try to keep these more frequent so I am not writing novels every time I come here.
Traveler told me by phone last night that he's reconnecting with an old love. That person had been close to him, but had needed a NP and he does not offer that. So, the broke up and she went with an abusive, controlling man. She is now out of that relationship and wants to reconnect with Traveler. He and I were just starting to get closer, moving towards greater intimacy. I am very happy for him---and for her-- good for her for getting out of that situation and back to the arms of Traveler!! He is amazing and safe and wonderful! But . . . . of course I had some momentary anxiety of how that would affect me. I have enjoyed that he was pretty much just with me. He travels a lot, has limited time, and enjoys his personal time too (as is healthy). We had been trying to do 2x a week. Now I wonder if our time will be reduced. And he will probably have some NRE going on (ORE?? old relationship energy? LOL) with this lady. This is where I put on my big girl panties, step back, be happy for them, and trust in the process. I have some abandonment issues and I need to work through them. It will run its course, how it is meant to be. And today I am blessed to have other partners who are also flowing in my life. If Traveler needs to pull back a little, maybe I can pull someone else forward. And maybe that will even be more me-time. Or a new connection.

 

[Kynde]

Updates---

Traveler (night time cuddle buddy/sensual play) was out of town for 5 days, back in town for a few days, and he's now gone for a week. Thus his nickname. We had two wonderful cuddle/snuggle/suckle sessions overnight. He has wonderful pillow talk. I can tell him anything. We stay in touch with infrequent texts, at least once per day. He sends me photos of interesting things he sees. It remains a wonderful, emotionally safe, sensual relationship. I am very satisfied with it staying where it is for the long term . . and open to it developing into more if that is the natural coarse of things. Over time. Right now basically we see each other only from about 9PM to early morning when we both leave for work. We take turns hosting.

Sid (old love, rekindling) and I had a wonderful date of cuddling and sensual play. He is now attending a 5 day body positive retreat with his wife. He has managed to text me once or twice a day with a brief "good morning" or "thinking of you" message. He has let me know that if there is any kind of emergency he is reachable by phone, my number will go through if I call. That makes me feel important to him, and I like that. We are working towards a full relationship but it will take time and work. I love him, have never stopped loving him, and will love him forever, even if we can't have a relationship beyond our feelings for each other.

BDSM Dom has been checking in with me daily to see how I feel after our scene. He likes to keep his personal and kink lives separate. We don't have a lot in common outside of BDSM. So, I doubt he will ever be a full partner to me in the romantic and personal sense. And that's okay. We can be occasional scene partners. I think he may become frustrated that I don't want to have intercourse with him. I don't know enough about his sexual practices, and I don't know him personally well enough for that. I am not even sure if we will meet again. because Ned (below) may fill that role-- and be more of a full partner that I am seeking.

And introducing . . . three more!!!

Ned -- (Local, just starting to date) We found each other through a dating app about 2 weeks ago. We have texted volumes. He passed the background check with flying colors. He is using his real phone number from the start. His partners have provided letters of recommendation!! I was questioning before the date if he was even for real!! He is a very experienced poly man. He currently has a platonic wife/NP, and partners who are married to each other. They all sat down at Thanksgiving together last year. He matches my intelligence, but has quite a bit more energy. We had a wonderful date last week, and after dinner we walked around outside near the water, and we kissed under the nearly full moon. I was dizzy. We have much in common on an intellectual level, he is into BDSM to the level that a partner desires, which may be none at all, or full impact. He is being very transparent. We went ot the same middle school and high school, but missed each other by a few years. I feel that he is experiencing NRE right now. I am on guard for that. I am not having NRE. I am pleased with the way things are going, but I am too guarded after my recent breakup with Summit to have my heart open fully for NRE. I am more waiting and giving this time to develop and see. But so far things are promising.

Legolas- (comet?) the LoR character fits the heart of this man. We met through a local poly group. He is younger than I am, neurospicy like me, and very warm hearted, open, flirty with my consent, and very consistent in his communications. He has expressed his interest in me and followed through with great communication including two phone calls. He lives hours away. He is married and has another partner. He goes back and forth between their homes. He has a couple of comet partners, one is on hold. He seems wonderful but due to distance he may be a comet. And that's okay. We still have nice emotional connection. He's planning to come to see me next week for an overnight cuddle/make out session. He knows intercourse is off the table, and he's fine with that. He is well versed in our local community/cuddle parties/consent.

Blue-- (LD, virtual) lives in another country. We are very close, have daily contact, have strong feelings for each other. He is a Dom and tells me "good girl" and has a pet name for me. I love it! I doubt we will meet in person. If we do it will be months from now. I had a bad thing happen to me last week, very traumatic (I assisted a shooting victim who later died while visiting my adult child in a big city!!), he was the one I called right away to talk about it and cry. And he was there for me. Calmed me down, reassured me, checked in with me.

So . . I am definitely polysaturated right now!!! And it's wonderful!! I feel I am making good choices, taking it slow, have very good boundaries, and very good expectations for what I will and will not settle for! I'm proud of myself!

 

[MeeraReed]

I'm glad your dating life is currently so full!

I didn't actually realize you were the same person from the Homesteading Triad...now I've read back through everything that happened...I am glad you were able to get out safely and quickly when things went south. Maintaining your independence and not giving up your own city dwelling (if I understand that correctly, that you simply were able to leave the homestead and move back to your normal residence) was a good choice.

There was another poster here who was similarly in a homesteading situation with a Dom and his wife...he seemed to be very abusive and had been outright lying to her about his marriage...she seemed very naive and was completely isolated and dependent and trapped. I worry about her sometimes.

Good luck to you! I enjoy your posts.

 

[Kynde]

Friday evening update---- My heart is full, my spirit content.
I am officially polysaturated.
No more dating new people as long as these present partners work out.
I have not had full intercourse for 10 weeks, even with all the dating and now 3 local partners! I have learned to take it slow. Develop the emotional connection first. Celebrate that with intercourse at some point.

Legolas-- we never had our cuddle date. It was supposed to be tonight actually. But he started to come on way, way too strong sexually and love bombing. He sent me a self-pleasuring video where he said my name. He sent me his STI results when I didn't ask for them. He told me about his condom policy. Which I also didn't ask for since were not going to be sexual. I called him to ask if he expected intercourse and he said no . .. he and his wife have an agreement of no intercourse with a new partner/potential partner for 6 months. Which is the first I'd heard of that-- and it begged the question if the wife had veto power or rules that would affect her husband's partners. I texted the wife to touch base with her, told her our boundaries and she was comfortable with that. She also mentioned the no intercourse for 6 months rule. It started to feel very very off. Oh, he also sent me a playlist just for me of 12 songs! Like it was feeling uncomfortable. So, I called it off. And I told him next time he's in town we can have dinner and remain friends, but I felt he was too aggressive and giving mixed messages. He apologized and asked for another chance, but I declined.

Sid-- Was at the body positive retreat all week with his wife. He texted good morning and good evening all week, which was more than I expected given that he was busy. I was very touched. He's back in town, called me a couple of times, and we plan to have a nap snuggle date tomorrow afternoon. We are both exhausted. I am invited to go to their house for hot tub and KTP time with he and his wife, but I don't have a free day next week to do that due to Halloween and work and parenting schedule.

Traveler-- has been out of town all week. We have texted daily. He's so big hearted. He's a very good people reader, has been a wonderful person to continue to seek advice from about other potential dating partners. He's very supportive of my seeking other partners, he's been a real cheerleader when it goes well, and a comfort when it doesn't. I miss him. We hope to see each other on Sunday overnight.

Ned-- It's official, we are dating! We just click in all the areas. Very very well-matched. We both grew up here locally, went to the same middle school and high school but missed each other due to age differences. I went to school with his sister but don't remember her (big school). His background check is clear. More than that, he is openly poly in front of his NP/separated wife, their kids, his mother, his sister and friends. In fact last Thanksgiving he had his partners at the same table with all of the above mentioned people! He has told his partners about me, and they have asked some questions and I answered. I said hello briefly to his mom when she called to say hello, he answered and said he was on a date, and she said, "oh that sweet lady ___ you were telling me about?" So he stayed over, and we had boundaries, we cuddled a lot, talked all night long, kissed, and sometime at around 2 we fell asleep finally. It was amazing. He also is a BDSM Dom with good training and experience. He is partnered with a married lesbian couple and one of them is collared by him.

So I officially have 3 partners! Plus the comet guy Blue in another country. Blue checks in daily and we have a weekly video chat, but he's been less active lately. He has been exploring some local connections (good for him!!). It may be that we eventually fade to friendship, or we just remain comets. But either way I'm glad to have him in my life, too.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's AMAZING all this has happened in one month since your breakup with the desert dom-ass. You've been a busy lady!

 

[Kynde]

It's AMAZING all this has happened in one month since your breakup with the desert dom-ass. You've been a busy lady!

Yessss I've been working hard! I have been blessed to have an abundance of potential connections, made some friends along the way, and now feel I have a nice "posse" of partners developing.
I have really really taken to heart my lessons about boundaries, red flags, and the courage to walk away if it doesn't feel right.

 

[Kynde]

Today my heart is filled with an abundance of joy and love. Emotional safety and connection is the key.

My schedule has been--
Sunday I met Ned at an indoor pool park and was able to meet his teenaged child and that child's teen partner. We all got along beautifully.

Monday (yesterday) I had wonderful parenting time with my young child.

Tuesday (today) I am going to eat dinner with my child's father and will have my child for overnight parenting time.

Weds Ned will have an overnight at my home. We are going to learn a board game together and then snuggle all night.

Thursday I will go trick or treating with my child, her father and his mother. That night I will spend the night with Traveler cuddling.

Friday I have overnight parenting time with child.

Saturday same. Probably will take my child to the aquarium for a mommy and me date.

Sunday will take child to go swimming and hang out with Sid at his house. He has met my child already and they get along (Sid was also close to my older children some years ago- he even taught one of them to drive!) Sunday afternoon, if the schedule works out, I may introduce my child to Traveler. We will have a picnic and easy hike.

I raised my older children as poly, and they turned out great. Very accepting and open minded people. My young child is also a poly child. When I met her dad I was in a triad and he was my other partner. He accepts that I'm poly and is okay with it, although he himself is not poly.

 

[Kynde]

Weekend update-- everything is SO GOOD!

This week's topic-- STI testing and when each of us may be ready for intercourse. And integrating into each other's circles.

Traveler-- We decided we are putting intercourse on the shelf indefinitely. We had already talked about this a bit, but we decided that there were too many variables at play in his life for me to feel safe. I prefer cul-de-sacs, and he can't provide that. And that's fine. He's amazing for what we have. Still doing overnight cuddle dates. He is my friend, too, and has given me great feedback through my various relationship explorations. His advice has been spot on. He gives full enthusiastic endorsement of Ned, and now that Sid has worked out some of the issues, full endorsement of him too.

Sid-- I had brunch today with Sid, his wife, and my young child at their house! My child loved Sid's wife. It was warm and friendly and felt easy. We still have the date set for December to consummate and I think it's going to happen. He and his wife will both get tested right before that, and test results will be shared with Ned and partners.

Ned-- Amazing connection! Deep conversations! Passionate cuddles and kisses. He brought up STI testing this week, and we are going to do that next week together as a date! We are not sure when intercourse will happen, we haven't even gotten to heavy petting yet. Ned is a hinge, and one of the partners needs a bit of time to get used to things. The other is fully on board and supportive with huge compersion. But, when we are ready to go forward, the testing will have happened. Test results will be shared with Sid/wife. He has now introduced me to his daughter, his mom (via the phone), and next week we are going to have lunch with two of his friends from out of town. All of his circle know he is poly and are supportive.

Blue-- we have a weekly video date and daily texting. Things are still going well. He is going to be a lifelong friend, if not more.

 

[Kynde]

Last night was wonderful! Ned and Sid and I met all of us together at my home for a meet and greet, with the agenda to discuss STI testing and sexual health agreements and boundaries. Ned has two other partners who are married, it's a perfect cul-de-sac of several years duration. Sid has his wife and they are an almost perfect cul-de-sac. The exception is him going to body positive events with his wife 2-3 times a year. She has a comet partner that she sees there. He sometimes engages in oral with people. All are tested before the event, but still. We came away with two things-- Ned judges Sid as trustworthy. When Sid and wife go to one of these retreats, he and I will not engage in intercourse for 6 weeks afterwards and testing.

Ned got some difficult news later that night, that his two married partners are going to move out of country permanently soon. This has partly to do with one of them being from that country and wanting to be closer to family and better healthcare. But the recent U.S. elections have made them want to move sooner. They don't feel safe. I am there for Ned and can hold him in his grief with great compersion and love.

 

[Magdlyn]

Last night was wonderful! Ned and Sid and I met all of us together at my home for a meet and greet, with the agenda to discuss STI testing and sexual health agreements and boundaries. Ned has two other partners who are married, it's a perfect cul-de-sac of several years duration. Sid has his wife and they are an almost perfect cul-de-sac.

I've never heard any other poly person describe their (prospective) partner as being in a ("perfect") cul-de-sac! I guess that means this dating partner has a certain number of partners and none of them are open to dating anyone new?

Ned got some difficult news later that night, that his two married partners are going to move out of country permanently soon. This has partly to do with one of them being from that country and wanting to be closer to family and better healthcare. But the recent U.S. elections have made them want to move sooner. They don't feel safe. I am there for Ned and can hold him in his grief with great compersion and love.

Ned is dating a married couple? Or two people who both happen to be married to others? If these folks, whether you mean one couple, or two unrelated individuals, are moving away, will Ned no longer be in his "perfect cul-de-sac"? Will he feel the loss and want to start dating others (besides you), wrecking his "dead end" closed status? How would you feel about that?

Let me know if I'm being intrusive.

 

[Kynde]

I've never heard any other poly person describe their (prospective) partner as being in a ("perfect") cul-de-sac! I guess that means this dating partner has a certain number of partners and none of them are open to dating anyone new?

Ned is dating a married couple? Or two people who both happen to be married to others? If these folks, whether you mean one couple, or two unrelated individuals, are moving away, will Ned no longer be in his "perfect cul-de-sac"? Will he feel the loss and want to start dating others (besides you), wrecking his "dead end" closed status? How would you feel about that?

Let me know if I'm being intrusive.

Good questions-- by perfect I meant, and he meant, for STI purposes. He is dating two women who are married to each other, and they are a throuple. The two women are not dating anyone else.

I'm sure Ned will want to find another partner or two once he grieves his loss. I support Ned dating others, as long as we all talk about safe STI practices.