"My petals are bruised but I'm still a flower"

It's another week gone by and things have been very smooth.
Traveler is, well, traveling this week and next. He has sent me some great photos of his adventures!
Sid and I had a nice evening at his house. He cooked me dinner and we soaked in the hot tub and had some sensual time. We were both pretty tired so it was kinda chill. It was the first time I was in his bed (wife was out of town again).

So the big entry is for Jay update. Things are going so good. Just really comfortable and easy. The one thing we've had to work out is the level of transparency and his boundaries on that with my poly partners. I am used to, and most comfortable with, a KTP or garden party polycule. Although he is very accepting and supportive of my need to have other partners, and wants me to be happy, he does not want to know the details at all. He is not interested in meeting the other partners at this time. He wants to know what days I'm "busy" and he knows their names and basic info. He said if he wants to know details he'll ask. He wants to practice Parallel Poly. That's his boundary and I accept it and respect it. He does not want to control my life, or have input on my relationships, or how I manage them. He wants me to be happy. He's not jealous. He just wants our time to be our time alone.

I know there are many poly people who practice this way and it works for them. It's just hard for me to compartmentalize the people I love and not talk about certain people to other people. But . . . I give him him lots and lots of credit for being on board with making me happy and embracing the poly part of me. My partners are important and part of my package deal, and he accepts this.

So we've had a great weekend together so far and enjoying our time together. I have an overnight planned with Sid next Saturday night, and Jay has already talked about making plans of his own with his best friend on that day. It's all good so far.
 
Weekend update---- another wonderful drama-free poly flowing week!

Jay and I are spending lots of time together when not at work or having personal times with friends/kids. It's just so easy and flowing. It's not the same NRE/love bombing I have experienced in the past and know well. It's just easy. I am getting used to his NADT policy which is not my usual MO. He seems much more relaxed about me having other partners. We'll see how it continues to go. I make sure he feels secure and loved and knows there is no competition between partners. He gets my full attention when we are together, which is quite a lot.

Traveler and I were able to spend a night together talking and cuddling. He brought me back a few small gifts from his travels and we caught up. Summer will be busy for him, he said, and we might not see each other for weeks at a time. And that's okay. It was part of the deal when we started getting together. I'm happy for him being able to travel and live his best life.

Sid and I went out to dinner one evening last week, then back to his house. His wife had just come home from work, and we all hung out in the hot tub together before I went home to my own bed. I rarely stay over at a partner's home on weekdays due to my very early waking time.

All is good! I'm happy to have a balance of these three men in my life. All are wonderful, and each fills a need for me and I for them.
 
Another smooth week so far. Sid and I had a nice date out to dinner, exchanged a nice small Valentine's Day gift, and intimate time in the new room I have set up just for us in my house. It doubles as a guest room, but I decorated it to his, and our tastes. It's more kinky than my master bedroom that Jay and I share, for one thing. Its wonderful to have different partners who have different "flavors" of vanilla and non-vanilla.

Jay gives me stability, the full relationship. Hanging out, grocery shopping together, watching a show together, sleeping next to each other several nights a week. Sid and I enjoy our time together fully, but it's limited with time, more concentrated, more about sensual play than a full life.

Traveler came over on Sunday night after the Superbowl and we had even less time together, as is the nature of that relationship. But we pillow talked and then cuddled all night. He is much bigger than I am and folds me into his arms and I feel so safe and wonderful. I have him sleeping in the master bedroom because we are not sexual. If in the future Jay and I were to share a home together I would move all other partners to the guest room to give Jay, who is monogamous, his own safe space.

I feel like things are finally falling into place thanks to my hard work to keep dating and find the partners that work for me, and with my life and needs. And being the giver I am, I feel I am also contributing to the lives of my partners in ways they need.
 
Another good few days. Jay was off Thurs-Sunday and spent a great deal of it with me. He helped me put together my new living room bookshelves while we watched TV. We went out the gym together for the first time-- he's trying to get in better shape and it doesn't hurt me either. We enjoyed intimate time together, and recovered from the gym time in the hot tub. It was just a really nice weekend.

Traveler will be over Tuesday overnight to cuddle, and Sid will be overnight on Weds. Generally Traveler just comes over at bedtime, while Sid and I have a date including dinner out and then overnight. The two separate bedrooms are working out great for everyone. Sid was moved that I decorated "our" bedroom to be more to his taste and mine, while Jay's is a more traditional master bedroom.
 
I had a nice deep talk with Traveler last night as we spent the night together. He is very happy for me that he's, in his words, #3 partner. He loves our time together but knows he will never (at this time) be able to be more than what we have. His "primary partner" is traveling, his hobbies, and his alone time. He is happy for me to have found Jay, and to continue to be loved by Sid.

When I think about the differences between my two poly part time partners, and my anchor/primary partner, I see the difference. Not in my love for them, but in how we share life. While Traveler would be there for me in an extreme emergency, he would not do what Jay did over the weekend and spend time helping me put together a large shelving unit, cook together, do laundry together, shopping for the week together with our separate baskets. He is not sexually driven and is happy with not going there with any of his very part time relationships. He is unique in that way, and honest with himself and his partners. Last night we watched our show, cuddled, made popcorn, cuddled more in bed and overnight. In the morning we said goodbye and maybe will see each other in a week. We don't have daily text contact, and that's his norm and I'm okay with that. He sends me photos of his adventures, or an occasional meme.

When I met Traveler I needed him and he needed me. I was touch starved and needed a safe person who I knew would not hurt me or take advantage of me or manipulate me. He has been this person. He helped heal my heart and my nervous system. It's his gift. I am no longer touch deprived and my nervous system and heart are healed, but he remains in my life. I no longer *need* him. But I want him in my life as long as it's right for both of us.

He, being #3, gracefully fits into my schedule when I can find time. I try to make time, but my first priority of time is with Jay, and my second priority is with Sid. Sid is my long lost and rekindled love, my kink partner, my, as he puts it, nailed down carpet--- referring to how in my life the rug always seems to be pulled out from under me. He will always be there. He's proven that over time. He's married and his #1 is his wife, as it should be and as I am happy for it to be. I would not be the perfect fit of a wife that she is. We are each other's #2 partners. We have daily texting, usually brief but daily, and calls sometimes as he's driving home from work, and flirtly texts as we get close to a date night. We have adjusted our schedules back to accommodate his wife and my primary partner. It used to be every Weds evening and every other Saturday night, but we both realized he is too busy for that, and now I am with Jay. So we aim for once a week, usually Weds which works best for both his wife (she works late) and Jay (he is away doing a 24 hour shift). But sometimes we will have an overnight on Saturday as our schedules permit.

I don't like to rank partners, but that's the reality of it. Equal in the amount and depth of love, but not equal in time, sexual intimacy, or priorities. And yet I make it work and so do they. Poly, when practiced welll, can be so beautiful.
 
Happy Monday!
Jay got really sick with the flu last week, and spent a couple days at his house. I had to figure out the balance of not being a mother hen to him, but making sure he was okay. I was on high alert after he said he was not sure he could make it to the front door to unlock it for me to come over and drop off some Gatorade. He was feverish and looked awful, but reassured me he was "fine." On Saturday he came over in the morning looking very pale and said he thought he felt better but the 15 minute drive proved otherwise. He collapsed on the sofa. He absolutely refused my offer of driving him to urgent care or ER. I made sure he had Liquid IV and then later made him some baked potatoes, which is always something that seems to help people who are sick (full of lots of good stuff). I'm a nurse, by the way. I've already been exposed to the flu through work-- and was not afraid of catching it (and I'm fine, as predicted). Finally the color came back to him and he felt better by Saturday afternoon. He had not been hydrated enough and had not been eating that well.

By Saturday evening he was able to give me my Valentine's gift that took it's time in the mail and then he got sick. It was a necklace, the charm on it meant something to us both. He stayed through Sunday night, after going home to get a few things from his house. He also gave me a key to his house. It was part of my Valentine's Day gift, and also will be handy for emergencies in the future.

Due to Jay being sick and me being tired-- it was a busy weekend for me with my own household and family stuff-- and extra deep cleaning of the house after Jay's illness-- I asked Traveler if we could push his day off by one. He is coming tonight instead of last night. He was fine with that, given Jay's illness. And even better, I have the two separate rooms and bathrooms, so Jay's germs can stay in the one room. ha!

Last Weds I saw Sid as usual, and we had a wonderful time together. We are skipping this week due to an event in his family, but will see each other on the following Saturday instead, for an overnight.

This is poly at its different levels. I was a true full partner to Jay by helping him with his illness, and we hung out while he got better. It was not about physical intimacy, it's about being a partner and a friend. Sid has his wife to help him through any illnesses or other needs, although we take care of each other as we can (such as me dropping off soup to him awhile back when his wife was out of town). I do worry a bit about Traveler, he has no close partners, and his parents are older and live in another city about 1.5 hours drive away. HIs sibling is in another state. But his life of being mostly alone and independent is by his own design. I told him he can call me if he needs anything, any time. And I know he would do the same for me--- but he has stated he's glad I have other people who can be closer to me than he is, with his constant traveling. He reminds me of the main character Ryan in the film Up in the Air. In fact we watched that film together for him to understand what kind of person he is and the life he has chosen. But he said I bring him comfort and love and warmth in our times together.
 
Trigger warning-- sexual assault history--- read with care.

Rough week for me personally. I have C-PTSD and thanks to therapy my emotional Flashbacks are less and less, but they still happen. I've had a lifetime of trauma dating back to childhood, but more recently, too. I'm proud that I'm healing, creating firm boundaries, and educating myself on good and bad relationships. This weekend showed that my partners are all wonderful people.

It started last Weds and Thursday with the anniversary of a traumatic event that happened just 2 years ago, when my ex husband R--d me and then claimed it was an accident. I was totally shocked and had to drag him to our therapist to have him explain that this was totally wrong, that consent cannot be given when someone is not awake or conscious. And then two months later he did it again. Which is why he moved out the next day and we got divorced (it was the last of many straws). So I started to feel not quite right, and I told Jay and Sid about my feelings and reminded them of this anniversay and said I might need extra support. On Thursday I had a just under the surface anxiety building at work, and Jay held me that evening for a long time and stayed the night. On Friday at work I was okay-ish, but then I got home and started to have a meltdown that I could not control. My mind knew I was safe but my body was in total crisis mode of being attacked. I was crying and Jay again held me and tried to distract me with TV. He has C-PTSD too and has been in dark places himself. I didn't sleep well on Friday night (Jay stayed the night again).

I woke up early Saturday morning and was in full crying mode and not able to calm down much. I was spiraling with my thoughts of all the traumas I've been through, and starting to dissociate to being the helpless child I once was, and wanting to just disappear into a hole until the emotional storm passed. I knew it always does pass, and my usual coping is to get into bed and just cry in my little nest until it passes. But this time I had partners who cared. Jay was still sleeping on Saturday so I called Sid and he heard my tears and talked to me and gave his love and support. We were supposed to have a date and overnight that night and I told him honestly I was not sure if I was going to be able to do that. He said no problem, please take care of me, and call if I needed him, and he knew Jay was with me. Sid has known me for 8 years and knows about my storms, and he has seen me through a couple of them himself. It is good to have him to lean on if needed. But, I also know how to deal with them on my own if I need to.

So then Jay woke up and saw the state I was in, and he said get dressed we are getting out of this house, and we went for a long drive, then to Jay's house. He put me in his bed and tucked me in and said try to sleep. I napped for about an hour, woke up with him beside me. I asked to be driven back home, so we did. I ate a little bit and called Sid to tell him I was still having a rough time. He said no problem, please just take care of me. I then went to bed and slept for 4 hours. Woke up feeling somewhat better and could tell my nervous system was finally calming down. Jay when home to get some clothes and came back, spent Saturday night with me, and by this morning (Sunday) I'm able to breathe again and not feel my chest is tight.

I kept apologizing to Jay, and he kept saying he knows what it's like to walk that path of anxiety and darkness and flashbacks, and he was honored to hold my hand and be there while I walked it. I texted Traveler on Saturday afternoon to let him know I was not doing great but was safe and okay and needed to cancel Sunday. I called him this evening (Sunday) and we talked a bit. He's glad I was okay and had support.

I took the chance to check in with him and tell him I'm spending a lot of time with Jay and he's turning out to be a great anchor partner so far. Which means I may not have a lot of time to spend with him (Traveler) -- and I am also aware that the summer travel season is coming up and he'll be gone even more than before. He was so wonderful and supportive, and said he's happy for me to have found Jay, he hopes it works out, and he'll be happy to see me whenever it works out, but to focus on Jay and Sid. Traveler- did a great deal to heal my heart as I was getting out of my last poly dynamic (the traid). He says he prides himself on healing broken women, and I told him he's very good at it--- but he admits he's not a great long term partner. The gift that Traveler is giving me is to not feel bad that I'm prioritizing Jay right now.

Jay still wants to have the boundary of not hearing about my other partners, and it's still hard for me-- I'm a very transparent person-- it comes with being honest. But . . I'm being honest in that I'm not cheating, so I just have to find that place in myself to be okay with the situation. Sid understands and doesn't feel slighted that he's not being introduced to Jay-- and it helps that he's married and busy with his wife-- and he's an experienced poly person.

So, Sid and I have it scheduled to see each other in 2 weeks. It's a long time to go, but it's just how the schedule works out. It will be special to see him again and we already have a nice date planned. And I text him daily and talk to him 2-3 times a week by phone.

Jay is going to take me on a small road trip for my birthday next week!

I continue to feel very greatful for my partners, and for poly life.
 
I'm sorry about the abuse. No child (or woman) deserves that. It's the greatest tragedy in life, child abuse. Even hardened criminals will punish child abusers who go to jail.

Hugs to your healing inner child from here. I'm glad things are smoothing out, and that your partners have been great. Good job on learning to pick good ones!
 
Hi Kynde, just a quick note of gratitude for all you have shared. Thank you. May there be many more "drama-free poly flowing weeks" ahead of you, and may you to continue to draw on the strength you have already demonstrated for any weeks that aren't.
 
Stem said:
Hi Kynde, just a quick note of gratitude for all you have shared. Thank you. May there be many more "drama-free poly flowing weeks" ahead of you, and may you to continue to draw on the strength you have already demonstrated for any weeks that aren't.
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Thank you for reading! :) I love the blog area because it helps me sort out my feelings and see trends in myself.
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm sorry about the abuse. No child (or woman) deserves that. It's the greatest tragedy in life, child abuse. Even hardened criminals will punish child abusers who go to jail.

Hugs to your healing inner child from here. I'm glad things are smoothing out, and that your partners have been great. Good job on learning to pick good ones!
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Thank you!! I'm learning for sure! Yay!
 
A wonderful weekend with Jay to the beach! It was cold and rainy and windy, and beautiful.
And, we finally talked about the elephant in the room. It started when we were driving home, and I was driving and I asked Jay to do something on my phone. And at that very moment Sid texted me "nice" in response to me telling him we were on our way home. That triggered Jay. He didn't say anything at that time, but the next day he texted me a long text expressing all kinds of insecurities and doubts. He said it was our vacation and why was I texting other partners. I said they were also my friends and they knew about our trip, and Sid was asking if I was safe, basically. I pointed out that my kids also knew about our trip and I called one of them on the trip. And I met his own sister, and he had texted one of his friends. He was also having vacation-wonderful weekend withdrawals. And, he has some struggles with depression. I recognized, because I do this also, that he was starting to ruminate and spiral. I took the day off work and went to his house and held him, and reassured him. I asked if he wanted to talk about the elephant in the room, my poly partners, the nature of those relationships, and the nature of our relationship in my eyes. He said yes. It was brave of him.

I started by telling him (again) of my past history as a poly person, from my early adulthood to the present time. 30 years of being poly, with some breaks to have and raise children. I told him that I don't fit into normal society, but I find what works for me. Just as gay and trans people have to live outside the box, and those who choose their own unconventional religious or spiritual paths do, many people choose their own relationship paths. (Jay is very supportive of the rights of others to live true to themselves.) My compass of life is to always be kind, honest, and ethical in life and relationships. He understood and agreed with this. I said that I exist in the "gray" zone between being monogamous and being single. I am loyal and faithful to my partners, and I don't let society dictate the nature or structure of those relationships. I am currently not seeking other partners. I am very happy and blessed with what I have.

I said that I have a big heart and a big capacity to love those in my inner circle. I gave the example that I have three children, and I fiercely and fully love all of them. But I love them differently-- two are adult children who are out of state and living independently. I have an easy relationship with one of them and a more challenging relationship with the other, but I love them both without limit and would move the earth for them. And my third child is young, she lives at home, she gets most of my time and needs more from me and is my main focus. Similarly, I have three partners, whom I love, but each relationship is different in its nature. Unlike the path of a monogamous person when they find a potential long-term partner, I cannot and will not break up with them, they have done nothing wrong, and they continue to be special people in my life. He nodded understanding.

I then asked him if he would like to know about my partners and what those relationships are like. I also told him that both of them are very happy for me that I have found Jay, and are supportive of our relationship, and have even made accomodations to allow for me to develop my relationship with him. I said that Sid is someone I have loved for 8 years. We started as a triad with his wife, but that blew up due to her drinking problem. And even after they broke up, I did not go back to Sid because we all had to some healing to do (his wife eventually died of alcoholism). Now Sid is married to his second wife for the past 5 years and they are a perfect match for each other. I could never be his wife in that role. His wife is also poly, and we all get along. I defer to her as the wife, and she gives her blessing for me to spend time with her husband. Sid and I are friends as well as lovers. And although my love and Sid's are full, we we never share a full life together. Neither Sid nor his wife are out as poly to their family or friends. I will always be unknown to all of them except his wife.

Traveler is a permanantly solo poly man who has other relationships that I don't know much about-- and we have more or less evolved and settled into a comfortable, slightly more than platonic relationship and friendship. He made it clear he would never be interested in being a primary or nesting partner with me or anyone, and never be out to his parents and siblings. We have a special thing, but very limited. I shared that he was there for me when I was having a very hard time last November, he's a safe person, and he's also very happy for me to have find a primary/anchor partner.

I ended with the fact that if my partners ended up in the hospital, here's how it would look with each of them: Traveler's family would not know about me to call me. They would care for him while I would never know what happened to him unless he was able to tell me himself. Sad but true, and illustrates the limits of that relationship. Sid's wife would most certainly call me to his bedside; however I'd have to be there when rest of their family was not around, or else I'd just be a "friend." But no one would understand my love for him except his wife. And with Jay, I would be *the* partner by his side, supporting him and being there with him.

Jay listened and relaxed. I think it helped for him to hear about my partners and have names and some details. I thanked him for listening. We then had a very nice close afternoon of holding each other and being intimate. He had to leave to get ready for his 24 hour shift, but he sent me lots of nice texts this evening and I sent some back. We are in a good place.

I am sure we have things to work through in the future as far as poly. Being the hinge of three partners who are very different from each other has been challenging. Protecting the security of my established relationships in the face of a new one-- making sure those partners feel secure-- is an act of trust on their part and communications kills on my part. And accomodations all around, including this new monogamous man who wants to love a polyamourous woman. I feel so lucky in love right now. But it's more than luck, it's work, skill, trust, and a great deal of finesse.
 
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