I do better with names. I will give them generic food names ok? If you like some else I'm willing to go with what you pick.
Here's what I understand. You correct me if I am wrong. I quote just to visually block it off. My comments in parenthesis.
Mango has a wife. Her name is Nutella. She's been in the dark about everything.
Mango has been cheating on his Closed marriage agreements with two partners.
- One is Banana.
- The other one is Kiwi.
Banana, Mango and Kiwi have decided to come clean to Nutella and stop this cheating behind her back. But they cannot agree on how to tell her.
- Option 1 - Nobody tells N anything (So the plan is to keep treating Nutella poorly? Keep her in the dark forever? Do not do this. I grey it out.)
- Option 2 - M tells N about poly relationship with K (You are not in a consenting 4 people polyship network at this time. You are in a 3 people cheating affair with 1 player in the dark. Don't sugar coat. But yes. I think Mango should take responsibility and come clean to Nutella about the cheating with Kiwi and Banana.)
- Option 3 K tells N about her relationship with M (To do what? Apologize? If so, Kiwi and Banana might need to apologize to Nutella for being Mango accomplices in cheating at some point, but not FIRST. To me Mango has to go first. I grey it out.)
- Option 4 B, K, M & N all get together to talk about their relationships with each other. (That can come across like 3 people ganging up on Nutella. Don't do ambush like that. Bad enough to hear cheating news from you spouse. No need to have the cheating partners there for an audience. I grey it out.)
The original marriage agreements were between (Mango and Nutella.)
Had Mango gone about it clean, Mango would have been the one to tell Nutella...
- Mango could tell Nutella Mango is no longer willing to keep old marriage agreements.
- Mango could have ask to renegotiate agreements to include Open Marriage or ask to part ways respectfully.
Either way could have left Mango free to date other people without cheating on any agreements. But Mango did not go about it clean. Mango did not employ ethical behavior.
Now Mango wants to employ ethical behavior. Well...Mango could take personal responsibility and clean up the mess Mango made.
- Mango could come clean about the cheating to Nutella. Apologize, ask for forgiveness.
- Mango could tell Nutella Mango is no longer willing to keep old marriage agreements.
- Mango could have ask to renegotiate agreements to include Open Marriage or ask to part ways respectfully.
Which does Mango want?
- If Mango wants divorce -- just ask for the divorce and end it clean. Even if the rest was a mess, the parting could be respectful, ethical, clean, and with some dignity.
- If Mango wants to ask Nutella to poly with Mango? Mango could ask. But Mango could be prepared for Nutella wanting no part of it if Kiwi and Banana are still in the mix. Or wanting no part of it at all.
Whatever Nutella says, I think Mango should respect her stance on the matter and not try to railroad her into poly anyway. If Nutella prefers to part ways, then go for a respectful divorce instead.
At least that part can be clean. The rest of it does not sound like it has been.
Kiwi and Banana failed to say to Mango at the beginning of the potential cheating -- "Mango, I want to date you, but you are not ABLE to date clean right now. Sort it with your wife, THEN come talk to me. Don't be putting cart before horse. I don't want to be your cheating accomplice."
After Mango has cleaned up his mess, if Kiwi and Banana want to apologize to Nutella for their part in the situation making? They can apologize. Nutella may or may not accept the apologies, but at least Kiwi and Banana have tried to employ ethical behavior and clean up their portion of the mess too.
Hopefully from this point on , Mango, Banana, and Kiwi all employ ethical behavior all the time and don't create these messes any more.
Regardless of how it turns out with Nutella.
Galagirl
