Ever wonder if some "polyamorists" are just NRE junkies?

Magdlyn

Magdlyn

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I am fine to admit when I first separated from my ex husband and started dating from OK Cupid, I had a kid in a candy store attitude. I had been monogamous for over 30 years, and it was pretty amazing to be hit on by dozens of men, and to date some of them...

In the meantime, I met miss pixi there, and we fell in love.

So, for a few years, I kept dating. Gradually I was assured I was still attractive and desirable. I enjoyed NRE, but enjoyed ERE (established relationship energy) with miss pixi more. I met one man who I thought could be my other longterm SO, but that has just ended ugly after over 2 years.

So many "poly" people, those I know in real life, and those I have read about here, seem to be into meeting and dating many many people simultaneously, or one right after the other. When does it stop? When do you get to the point where dating gets tiring, there is too much pain, the NRE hormonal hit isn't worth it?

Is it really poly when you spend less and less time focused on your "primary," to get the NRE hit with this, that and the other person, week after week? Is that really the "love" bit in polyAMORY, or is it just a need for ego gratification and narcissistic behavior?
 
I will readily admit to being a bit of an NRE junkie.
BUT.... I also think that part of that is because I have not found the person yet with whom I can build a strong partnership (besides the one I already have with my husband). In the mean time, I enjoy dating, making new connections, flirting. I like the feeling that anything is possible.

For me dating (and being with someone for a couple of months) is what it takes to find out if there is a possibility for a long term partnership.

I don't really date simultaneously though. NRE hits me pretty hard and I could not deal with it from more than 1 person :)
 
Does it matter if that behavior is 'really' poly or not? It didn't meet your needs and you decided to end the relationship. How does asking this particular question help you sort out things? (I'm suggesting it won't - just keep you wrapped up in the drama.)

Many people go nuts on NRE brain chemicals - I don't believe that makes them not poly. Now, maybe doing poly poorly in my opinion - yes, certainly. But still poly.
 
opalescent said:
Does it matter if that behavior is 'really' poly or not? It didn't meet your needs and you decided to end the relationship. How does asking this particular question help you sort out things? (I'm suggesting it won't - just keep you wrapped up in the drama.)

Many people go nuts on NRE brain chemicals - I don't believe that makes them not poly. Now, maybe doing poly poorly in my opinion - yes, certainly. But still poly.
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I am not just asking about my own situation. I see it here with many, like the woman recently who thinks she needs to have complete compersion as her bf shags this, that or the other different woman in the next room several nights a week.

Is this polyamory? I ask because this is a board for polyamory, so it is interesting to see what comes up when people have free rein to date many at once. Are they "loving many" or just getting a rush, feeding an addiction, seeking ego gratification, scratching an itch?

I think polyamorists can end up with polysexuals. Maybe the polysexual thinks they are in love, but it's just NRE. Maybe the polysexual defines "love" more shallowly than the polyamorist. They love their partners like you love a good meal or a good movie. It entertains you for a couple hours, or you think about it for a couple months. But it's not something you commit to and wish to spend years with.

It's fine to be a polyamorist and also want some casual r'ships. But many can admit it. This person is just a booty call, or a playpartner, or toy. Some people just say they "love" everybody, however.

It's hard to take a look at one's motivations. I guess a question we can ask ourselves is, am I really looking for love? Or just some fun, just entertainment? And it's fine to want either. But being polyamorous, looking for actual love, sounds more noble than, I'm just looking for a good time, flirting is fun and flattering, sex feels great.
 
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There's nothing more noble in seeking love or sex. I prefer the love side. But I like sex too.
 
Re (from thread title):
"Ever wonder if some 'polyamorists' are just NRE junkies?"
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I have no doubt of it.

Re (from Magdlyn):
"I see it here with many, like the woman recently who thinks she needs to have complete compersion as her boyfriend shags this, that or the other different woman in the next room several nights a week."
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I don't see how that can be poly. An open relationship ... swinging ... something like that.

Re:
"Some people just say they 'love' everybody, however."
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Haha, reminds me of the 1960 movie "Elmer Gantry," where Elmer talks about what his tent revival preaching is like and how he gets all caught up in it. "I feel like I just love everybody!" he says. Then the guy he's talking to adds, "Especially the women." Elmer laughs (but doesn't deny it).

Re:
"But being polyamorous, looking for actual love, sounds more noble than, I'm just looking for a good time, flirting is fun and flattering, sex feels great."
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Maybe that's a reflection of the sex negativity that's in our mainstream society. People have been programmed to see the naked desire for sex as a dirty attribute, and "love" is such a flexible word. When some people say, "I'm polyamorous," or, "I'm practicing polyamory," they're actually just practicing wishful thinking. Or they're using polyamory as a cover, to avoid criticism and such.
 
I think quite a few are... i am at the whole ere stage with both my guys.

I much prefer ere...
 
To be poly, one has to be willing to have intimate relationships with more than one person at a time with all of the people involved knowing about it. Being poly doesn't mean that you're good at relationships or a good partner. Being an NRE Junkie doesn't disqualify you from being poly, it just means you're likely to be a bad partner.

On the other hand, some people choose to give negative labels to those who have different preferences to them in a relationship. It's easy to call the girlfriend who makes it clear that she enjoys casual sex a slut because she is unwilling to do what you want her to do and stop swinging.

I really protest against people who try to challenge how someone else identifies purely because they don't do things the way they want them to.
 
It's interesting to me that this question has come up twice here in the last few weeks. I think this is what Fleur was trying to ask in their thread titled "in the closet?"

I don't feel like I have the right to tell people whether or not they qualify as poly. I'm pretty sure people could look at my actions of the last few months and question whether I'm really looking for love or if I'm just looking for sexual partners. I think what we need at any moment can fluctuate and change. I've been the happiest with polyamory when I have a partner that I love in addition to my husband. But sometimes I'm not able to find that, I've only been able to find people who are interested in friends with benefits arrangements. If I like the person, I have no problem doing that. Does that mean I'm not poly? I don't think so, it just means that I'm alright being flexible with what I want at any moment. Since I don't know what is going on behind the scenes in anyone else's life, I don't feel like I have the right to judge their actions. I might decide that we wouldn't be a good match, relationship-wise, but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.
 
Magdlyn said:
I think polyamorists can end up with polysexuals. Maybe the polysexual thinks they are in love, but it's just NRE. Maybe the polysexual defines "love" more shallowly than the polyamorist. They love their partners like you love a good meal or a good movie. It entertains you for a couple hours, or you think about it for a couple months. But it's not something you commit to and wish to spend years with.

It's fine to be a polyamorist and also want some casual r'ships. But many can admit it. This person is just a booty call, or a playpartner, or toy. Some people just say they "love" everybody, however.
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Are you saying the only real way to define love is if you "commit" to someone and want to spend years together with that person? And that anything other than that is shallow?

See, I think that is just cultural conditioning. Love is a feeling; for me, it's at the core of who we are and a way to connect to others. We love people simply for who they are, it's like how gravity pulls planets toward each other. The parameters and expectations we place on loving someone, like "commitment," building lives together for the future, and the meaning we give it is a whole separate issue. It isn't part and parcel of loving someone to "commit to them" (whatever that means) and expect to spend years together. Expecting or wanting love between two people to go along a certain path is only what we've been taught to believe by our respective cultures and has nothing to do with love itself.
 
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The definition of "polyamory" really hasn't been around long, I believe it was coined in the 90's? When I first got involved in multiple relationships, back in NYC in the first years of the 1990's, we didn't have a name for what we were doing, there were no internet forums, I didn't know of any books, resources, etc., we were flying blind. I turned to literary references: Sartre and Simone De Beauvoir and their open relationship, bisexual Anais Nin and her many lovers....

Anyway, no two people define "love" or "polyamory" or "relationship" quite the same there's some subjectivity & nebulousness to such words in general. Have you ever been in what you thought was "a relationship" only to find the other person considered the exact same activities and level of emotion "casual?"

That being said, I've definitely been involved with people for whom the new lover always took precedence over the already established one. They were always chasing the next piece of tail. I don't deal well with it, either, @Magdyln. I love the term I'm seeing in this thread, "established relationship energy." I think I prefer ERE too. I wonder if it's partially and introvert/extrovert thing (I'm intro.)
 
Hannahfluke said:
It's interesting to me that this question has come up twice here in the last few weeks. I think this is what Fleur was trying to ask in their thread titled "in the closet?"
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Oops! I hadn't looked at that thread. I now see there was already a lively discussion around some of the things I was wondering about. Thanks for the headsup. It has a misleading title.
 
Magdlyn said:
So many "poly" people, those I know in real life, and those I have read about here, seem to be into meeting and dating many many people simultaneously, or one right after the other. When does it stop? When do you get to the point where dating gets tiring, there is too much pain, the NRE hormonal hit isn't worth it?

Is it really poly when you spend less and less time focused on your "primary," to get the NRE hit with this, that and the other person, week after week? Is that really the "love" bit in polyAMORY, or is it just a need for ego gratification and narcissistic behavior?
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I have a husband that I love dearly, a LDR BF and a new BF that I am involved with romantically and physically, yet I also see other men purely for sexual reasons.

My husband and my LDR BF are my main men in my life. They are the ones that I love deepest and most often. My FWBs are men I just really like having sex with.

I think that too many people put to many labels on people and their actions. I love my husband and my LDR BF and my new BF, as well as other men. I love the intimacy I have with my husband and my LDR BF, but I also really enjoy the connection I have with the men I just have sex with.

I think that many people like the NRE that comes with new relationships, and there is nothing wrong with that.

What I feel is wrong is people who have opportunities that could make them happy, if even just momentary, and let them pass because of what other people might think.
 
nycindie said:
Are you saying the only real way to define love is if you "commit" to someone and want to spend years together with that person? And that anything other than that is shallow?
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Well, in a way, but with more nuance. I mean, if you really and truly fall in love (not just lust, but connecting on many different levels) why wouldn't you want to spend years together? Not necessarily "til death do us part," but actively choosing to hang out since it just feels damn great.

See, I think that is just cultural conditioning. Love is a feeling; for me, it's at the core of who we are and a way to connect to others. We love people simply for who they are, it's like how gravity pulls planets toward each other. The parameters and expectations we place on loving someone, like "commitment," building lives together for the future, and the meaning we give it is a whole separate issue.
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Cindie, you are reading more into my words than I meant. It isn't necessary to live together, much less marry, have kids, etc, but I think it is common for 2 lovers to arrange to at least get together as often as possible. Even polyamorous people may move closer to a lover who seems to have a lot to offer (romance, sex, support for life's issues, shared spirituality and politics, complementary life skills, taste in food, drink, entertainment and exercise, etc). Why stay away from a person you love DEEPLY, unless family or work or health or something else definable actively keep you apart?

It isn't part and parcel of loving someone to "commit to them" (whatever that means) and expect to spend years together. Expecting or wanting love between two people to go along a certain path is only what we've been taught to believe by our respective cultures and has nothing to do with love itself.
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I disagree. I think wanting to see a loved one, anyone, could be your mother, your daughter, your sister, a great platonic friend, or a romantic partner, frequently is just what loved ones like to do! Be together, for goodness sakes.

Perhaps, if one is deeply introverted, that is an emotional issue that can cause one to stay away from seeing loved ones frequently. But unless you're deeply misanthropic or sociopathic, I think even many introverts want to get together with friends and lovers on a regular basis. They just need alone time afterwards.

LoveBunny said:
... I've definitely been involved with people for whom the new lover always took precedence over the already established one. They were always chasing the next piece of tail. I don't deal well with it, either, @Magdyln. I love the term I'm seeing in this thread, "established relationship energy." I think I prefer ERE too. I wonder if it's partially and introvert/extrovert thing (I'm intro.)
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No, I am extroverted but I still like the stability and depth of feeling an established r'ship brings. I love discovering more and more about a lover. One can discover unexpected things that can be so exciting, when deep intimacy and trust is in the picture. And an established r'ship involves growth and change in its duration. Both partners grow and change, the r'ship grows and changes. Sometimes you grow apart, but sometimes you grow in ways that enhance the growth of the other, and the rewarding nature of the r'ship.

People who skim along the surface, loving and nurturing each other and the r'ship less deeply than I like to do, miss out, I feel, on the amazing quality of this depth, in trade for the ... cheap thrill of momentary NRE/hormonal rush and the ego boost of the conquest, the notch in the bedpost. But hey, to each his own. Just my opinion and all that.
 
Magdlyn said:
I love discovering more and more about a lover. One can discover unexpected things that can be so exciting, when deep intimacy and trust is in the picture. And an established r'ship involves growth and change in its duration. Both partners grow and change, the r'ship grows and changes. Sometimes you grow apart, but sometimes you grow in ways that enhance the growth of the other, and the rewarding nature of the r'ship.
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I agree with this so much. :D Really well put.

I find a great deal of value in long relationships and knowledges of people and things. I experience more fulfilment in longer, deeper relationships.

I'm not an introvert either. I love nothing more than meeting new people and getting to chat with them. I work part time and spend much of my spare time travelling to meet up with old and new friends.

For all that I have more spare time available to me than pretty much anybody I know, there are limits on my time and energy and for that reason, I prefer to concentrate on established relationships.
 
I'm good with the ERE myself.

I feel like there is NRE in ERE (if that makes sense), because the more you know where you stand with your/a partner, the more you begin to open up, grow together, and find even more things you enjoy about them.

Idk, ERE to me is like finally scaling that mountain, and having a nice little party with your partners when you're there :) it's a happy medium that I think a lot of polys look for. :) <3
 
This question is of great interest to me. My best friend has "accused" me of being an NRE junkie because a) I get SOOO swept up in love when I first fall for someone, b) I haven't spent much time single in my life, and c) I'm super eager to find a second person, even though I already have one amazing partner in my life.

But she's historically been pretty solidly mono, and it's also really tough for her to fall in love, so I think she just doesn't understand that aspect of me maybe.

The model of poly that my current partner and I have is a total-freedom openness model. It works for us in that we never have to miss an opportunity to have some fun, since life is so short. It's less about chasing NRE than about carpe diem. Right now, he has me (8 months in) and another girlfriend that he's been established with for quite some time, plus a host of various crushes that he'd seize the opportunity to forge a casual connection with. Right now, I have him and a handful of long-distance connections of varying levels of closeness, plus a local FWB.

I actually really, really want to have two established local relationships that go mega long-term. I'm kind of tired of "dating" and meeting and getting to know new people is rather exhausting to me. However, I understand that the only way to even get to the point of multiple established relationships is to actually interact with and get to know people, and see if I can get excited and hopeful about them.

I don't THINK I would ever neglect my partner to pursue new NRE. As it stands, I want to see him as much as possible, and everyone else seems less interesting to me than he is. However, we're only 8 months in and are still in fairly heavy (though no longer consuming and insane) NRE ourselves. I'd like to think that when we mellow out into ERE a couple of years down the line, we both will remember and respect the magic of our connection and will not devalue it in comparison with the new shiny things that might come our way.

This is both of our first go-rounds with long-term poly, so I guess that it's rather impossible to say until we get there. Those of you with longer experience with poly, what has your experience been? Have you found yourself emotionally abandoning a previously cherished partner to chase newer things? Have you been on the other side and been abandoned?

I'm very curious about all of this, because earlier in my relationship, I've had to kind of walk my partner through making sure he treated his established partner fairly once I came along, with nothing but my sense of justice to guide me. Of course, it is a worry that he could stumble into the same thoughtlessness to me as he did to her...or even that I could do the same to him if I am not careful. Any further discussion on this topic is of great interest to me.
 
Re:
"Those of you with longer experience with poly, what has your experience been? Have you found yourself emotionally abandoning a previously cherished partner to chase newer things?"
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Once. And I have no greater shame or regret.

Re:
"Have you been on the other side and been abandoned?"
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No (though I deserved it).
 
What do you think the best preventative measure against this is? Just hyper-vigilance and application of the Golden Rule? I mostly used my common sense and strong sense of fairness when I was advising my partner not to neglect his original relationship, but I know sometimes the brain can become clouded and when "intoxicated" it can be easy to lose sight of common sense.
 
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