Hi. Please give me some advice on how to deal with this situation and how avoid trouble moving forward. Thanks.
I've been married 6 years. My and I wife recently decided to open our relationship up. I've always kinda thought this was normal, and was actually surprised when she came to me about it a couple weeks ago. What prompted it was that she was at the bar the night before and almost kissed a boy. She apparently left the bar and cried in her friend's car.
The next day, we had a conversation about it, with the result being an agreement that we could "hook up."
My wife, who has OCD, immediately jumped into the rule structure of this agreement and came up with some things like "I can't use our bed," etc. I thought about everything for a couple days, and I thought of a rule- "You can't hook up with anyone you've had history with prior to the agreement." I just thought one of us finding out about the other with an old boyfriend/girlfriend might set someone off and it wasn't necessary. She then asked me if this applied to the boy she had almost kissed the other week. I said "I think it does." She asked why. Here is where it starts getting interesting.
Apparently that guy found my wife on Facebook the day before (I totally believe this) and she had already made tentative plans. I explained that I didn't like that she had already had an emotional experience that involved him, that her first "hook up" would be a follow-up, and that i knew about this guy pursuing my wife while she was on a weekend pass. I wasn't mad, it just made me feel a little weird. She said OK, and that she would call him and cancel.
Well, later she brought it up again and starting tying to make it a conversation about trust and relationships in general, and basically trying to twist my feelings until she could get her way. She was kinda relentless. I felt like she was trying to annoy me into giving her, her way. Now for the first time, I was upset. We fought and she agreed again that she would call him and cancel.
The next day, she was going to visit a friend and was supposed to hang out with this guy. She was acting weird during the day and i knew that she was feeling anxious about the phone call. Like I said before, my wife has OCD and the phone seemed real tough for her. It just bugged her out. Eventually, she mentioned the call and I told her, "I understand phone calls bug you out, and that you didn't make these plans thinking that you were doing something wrong, but sometimes stuff's not fair and I think you should do it." She said "OK, I will call him when I stop for coffee."
She left and called me a couple mins later from Starbucks. She told me she called him and that he told her some story about what he did just to get there, etc., etc. I told her "I am not scared of this guy, but I'm pissed at you b/c I feel like your tying to break me down by being annoying so you can get your way with my blessing."
Well, eventually I told her to go if she wants, but that I was pissed. She thanked me and went. A little bit later she called me from the bar. She told me she met him at the bar. When she got there, he and his friend wanted to go to another bar. She said no and told them to just go. She expected me to be happy that she decided not to hang out with him, but I was still pretty pissed about the way she acted.
She came home the next day. I had put a sizable fist hole in the wall the night before. We talked things out pretty good. I wrote her a note the next day telling her that we had to respect each others feelings, share things that are coming between us, and if we fight that we need to not just be fighting to win, and to fight fair.
We talked more the next couple of days. At some point, I told her if she needed to hang out with this boy then it was something she should do, but that she couldn't change my feelings and I didn't know how we would work it out. The next day she came to me and told me that she got another Facebook message from the kid that morning, telling her, "Look, if things change and you want to hang out, let me know". She told me that she might want to to. I told her to sit on it for a while, that I thought the best thing for us would be if she put him behind her, but that it was her decision.
The next day we talked again (pretty drunkenly) and she was again tying to manipulate me into flat-out giving my blessing. I felt like the first argument might have been repeating itself, just on more civil terms.
The next day, I got drunk again. I was upset. She could tell that I was upset. Eventually, I blew up. I said, if she does something with a guy knowing that it will hurt me, she is cheating. I told her she was not respecting my feelings, and that if she did this I honestly didn't know if I'd be living in this house long. I laid into her.
We talked a little. We went to bed with it unresolved, but we were getting along.
The next morning, I woke up angry. She could tell it was bothering me and asked why I was angry (since we had kinda gotten over the anger the night before). I shrugged and asked her what she thought our options were. She said she didn't know and asked me the same question.
I said, "You can stop being an asshole. I can kick this guy's ass so he is scared to come around you, and then we can work on things. I don't know". She went to shower. Eventually she called me in and told me she wouldn't see him. I believed her.
The next day (yesterday), we hung out and watched football. We had a good time, but I felt like the fight must be affecting her and I didn't like the way I won this fight at all. I guilted her into sacrifice. I think it was the right decision for us, but I don't like how it went down. I'm glad she chose me, but I don't like what I had to do to get there, and I'm not sure how to put true closure on this situation.
Additional details: I really don't care if she hooks up. I don't know if I came across as the jealous type, but I'm really not. If she has hooked up with someone else since this started, I don't know or care. I also don't know how much my wife's OCD played into her "need" to keep this going.
Anyway, what do you think? Oh, and thank you. I'm a little lost.
I've been married 6 years. My and I wife recently decided to open our relationship up. I've always kinda thought this was normal, and was actually surprised when she came to me about it a couple weeks ago. What prompted it was that she was at the bar the night before and almost kissed a boy. She apparently left the bar and cried in her friend's car.
The next day, we had a conversation about it, with the result being an agreement that we could "hook up."
My wife, who has OCD, immediately jumped into the rule structure of this agreement and came up with some things like "I can't use our bed," etc. I thought about everything for a couple days, and I thought of a rule- "You can't hook up with anyone you've had history with prior to the agreement." I just thought one of us finding out about the other with an old boyfriend/girlfriend might set someone off and it wasn't necessary. She then asked me if this applied to the boy she had almost kissed the other week. I said "I think it does." She asked why. Here is where it starts getting interesting.
Apparently that guy found my wife on Facebook the day before (I totally believe this) and she had already made tentative plans. I explained that I didn't like that she had already had an emotional experience that involved him, that her first "hook up" would be a follow-up, and that i knew about this guy pursuing my wife while she was on a weekend pass. I wasn't mad, it just made me feel a little weird. She said OK, and that she would call him and cancel.
Well, later she brought it up again and starting tying to make it a conversation about trust and relationships in general, and basically trying to twist my feelings until she could get her way. She was kinda relentless. I felt like she was trying to annoy me into giving her, her way. Now for the first time, I was upset. We fought and she agreed again that she would call him and cancel.
The next day, she was going to visit a friend and was supposed to hang out with this guy. She was acting weird during the day and i knew that she was feeling anxious about the phone call. Like I said before, my wife has OCD and the phone seemed real tough for her. It just bugged her out. Eventually, she mentioned the call and I told her, "I understand phone calls bug you out, and that you didn't make these plans thinking that you were doing something wrong, but sometimes stuff's not fair and I think you should do it." She said "OK, I will call him when I stop for coffee."
She left and called me a couple mins later from Starbucks. She told me she called him and that he told her some story about what he did just to get there, etc., etc. I told her "I am not scared of this guy, but I'm pissed at you b/c I feel like your tying to break me down by being annoying so you can get your way with my blessing."
Well, eventually I told her to go if she wants, but that I was pissed. She thanked me and went. A little bit later she called me from the bar. She told me she met him at the bar. When she got there, he and his friend wanted to go to another bar. She said no and told them to just go. She expected me to be happy that she decided not to hang out with him, but I was still pretty pissed about the way she acted.
She came home the next day. I had put a sizable fist hole in the wall the night before. We talked things out pretty good. I wrote her a note the next day telling her that we had to respect each others feelings, share things that are coming between us, and if we fight that we need to not just be fighting to win, and to fight fair.
We talked more the next couple of days. At some point, I told her if she needed to hang out with this boy then it was something she should do, but that she couldn't change my feelings and I didn't know how we would work it out. The next day she came to me and told me that she got another Facebook message from the kid that morning, telling her, "Look, if things change and you want to hang out, let me know". She told me that she might want to to. I told her to sit on it for a while, that I thought the best thing for us would be if she put him behind her, but that it was her decision.
The next day we talked again (pretty drunkenly) and she was again tying to manipulate me into flat-out giving my blessing. I felt like the first argument might have been repeating itself, just on more civil terms.
The next day, I got drunk again. I was upset. She could tell that I was upset. Eventually, I blew up. I said, if she does something with a guy knowing that it will hurt me, she is cheating. I told her she was not respecting my feelings, and that if she did this I honestly didn't know if I'd be living in this house long. I laid into her.
We talked a little. We went to bed with it unresolved, but we were getting along.
The next morning, I woke up angry. She could tell it was bothering me and asked why I was angry (since we had kinda gotten over the anger the night before). I shrugged and asked her what she thought our options were. She said she didn't know and asked me the same question.
I said, "You can stop being an asshole. I can kick this guy's ass so he is scared to come around you, and then we can work on things. I don't know". She went to shower. Eventually she called me in and told me she wouldn't see him. I believed her.
The next day (yesterday), we hung out and watched football. We had a good time, but I felt like the fight must be affecting her and I didn't like the way I won this fight at all. I guilted her into sacrifice. I think it was the right decision for us, but I don't like how it went down. I'm glad she chose me, but I don't like what I had to do to get there, and I'm not sure how to put true closure on this situation.
Additional details: I really don't care if she hooks up. I don't know if I came across as the jealous type, but I'm really not. If she has hooked up with someone else since this started, I don't know or care. I also don't know how much my wife's OCD played into her "need" to keep this going.
Anyway, what do you think? Oh, and thank you. I'm a little lost.
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