Ex wants me back

Should we get back together?

  • Do not get back together

    Votes: 3 50.0%
  • Nothing has changed yet, maybe in time

    Votes: 3 50.0%
  • Might work out, give it a shot

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Other

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    6
  • Poll closed .
My partner Lake dumped me two days ago. This morning they messaged asking to talk, saying they made the wrong choice. I am going to hear them out cause not knowing where they are at will be harder on me. Will update post-convo.

We broke up because they said they needed space to be single and figure out how to be with themselves and figure out what they want. They needed healing space post-divorce after their 9 year marriage ended and to figure out being a single parent again. They were not able to show up in the ways I needed/wanted in a relationship and I was unhappy. Tho prior to about 4ish months ago, we were happy and things were great.

I cant help but wonder if perhaps there is some middle ground? some way of being together *differently* that might work better with what we want/need now? I miss them already but I have always thought getting back with an ex is a bad idea and swore I would never do it again.

I could use some outside perspective.
 
I voted "no."

Because I think it is ok for you to honor your own personal boundary of "I have always thought getting back with an ex is a bad idea and swore I would never do it again." You put that in place for a reason.

Additionally...

We broke up because they said they needed space to be single and figure out how to be with themselves and figure out what they want. They needed healing space post-divorce after their 9 year marriage ended and to figure out being a single parent again.

This has not be learned in 2 days.

They were not able to show up in the ways I needed/wanted in a relationship and I was unhappy.

This has not been solved in 2 days.

The whole custody thread sounded super draining for you. While I'm glad Lake finally sought legal custody of his kid? Lake could have done that years ago. If this was the main source of ugh in the last 4 months? Lake and Alexa breaking up and then all the kid custody drama? That drama is still not over.

If the main source was Lake being passive in their life and letting other people run the show? That's not over either.

Cali is up and downy. Alexa no longer speaks to Lake. Whatever "buffer from Cali" services Alexa provided in the past are def gone since their break up.

So why's Lake coming around here when they just ended it with you?

To use you for buffer? To have you run the show now that Lake and Alexa broke up? Ava stayed over and Lake realized being a single parent is hard and wants to give you some of that work?

I'd be leery of going back into that mess. Might be helpful for Lake if you are there doing things to smooth his path, but I don't know how great that is for you.

Galagirl
 
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If the main source was Lake being passive in their life and letting other people run the show? That's not over either.

This is true. This is why they felt they needed space I think. I think in this regard stepping back from each other is the right choice. Their rebound girlfriend, or more accurately, their relationship management/hinge skills in regards to their rebound girlfriend, was another major part of the problem for our relationship. It seems that in the past two days they have ended that relationship. So that is something that has changed.

The whole custody mess was more a drain on them than me - that thread helped me realize I needed to step back, which I then did. But it draining on them definitely affected us. Thankfully the buffer with Cali is now a court enforced application; that and the legal framework has gone well as far as Lake & Cali coparenting goes. Now lake doesn't need Cali to like them or be friends in order for them to see their daughter.

So why's he coming around here when he just ended it with you?

I asked that sort of when we talked today. When we broke up on Thursday it was as we were having a feelings talk about us. They said that in hearing what I had to say they panicked and got scared that we would end up hating each other and not talking as that is how things went with Alexa. They chose to end things because they didn't want to push to make something work that wasn't working only to keep hurting me and make me hate them. Now they regret pushing me away when I was trying to work on things and they say they are willing to do the work needed to heal themselves and want me in their life for/during/after that.

My boundaries with Ava/Parenting are very clear and have never been an issue for me/them/Ava. I also have no relationship or communication with Cali. As for running the show? maybe? But I def should not be in that role right now. They need to run their own show and decided where they want it to go.
 
They said that in hearing what I had to say they panicked and got scared that we would end up hating each other and not talking as that is how things went with Alexa. They chose to end things because they didn't want to push to make something work that wasn't working only to keep hurting me and make me hate them.

You are not Alexa. Is Lake good at keeping their "other dyad stuff" over there in the other dyads? Or would Lake leak things over on to this dyad a lot?

Their rebound girlfriend, or more accurately, their relationship management/hinge skills in regards to their rebound girlfriend, was another major part of the problem for our relationship. It seems that in the past two days they have ended that relationship. So that is something that has changed.

Let me repeat back so I know I get it how you mean.

So there was this other person around called "Pink" (generic color nickname) who Lake was dating since breaking up with Alexa. Which caused problems in the (You + Lake) dyad because of Lake's relationship management/hinge skills. And now Pink is gone because they broke up. So that part is alleviated. Is that what you are saying?

Is it really alleviated? Because the issues were from Pink? Or not really alleviated, because the issues were with Lake's hinge skills, and likely to pop up again with a new partner later down?

I think your willingness is something only you can answer based on what exactly is left here as problems. You could think about the remaining problems and reflect...
  • Even though I wasn't the one to do the breaking up... is it better left broken up?
  • Do I even have it in me to try more?
  • How confident am I in the remaining problems getting resolved within a reasonable time frame? Or would this be me waiting forever?
  • And based on those answers... where do I land?
    • Stay broken up and not bend my personal boundary about not getting back with exes?
    • Have a time out for X weeks for emotions to settle. Then try getting back together a bit later down rather than just 2 days later when emotions are high?
    • Get back together now?
I suggest you do your soul searching.

Galagirl
 
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It sounds like Lake is a big source of drama. Lake seems to have failed at every major relationship they have been in. Until and unless they address the underlying issues causing all this drama and failed relationships, you should not getting back together with Lake.
 
Hi Jay,

If things are bad enough that Lake broke up with you, then they are bad enough to warrant at least a two-month separation period. Two days is too soon for getting back together: That's my opinion. You need some time to reflect on the problems in the relationship, and on what the possible solutions to those problems might be. Like I said at least two months. Maybe longer.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I think y'all are not wrong. I think more space/time is needed. I am going to think on this and do some soul searching.
 
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