Hi everyone. I don't even know where to start with this situation. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have 5 children. We recently moved from Texas to California in search of a more open lifestyle because we've always been interested in the poly lifestyle. It's always been a fantasy up until a couple of weeks ago when my wife developed an interest for one of her coworkers who happens to be a lesbian. Her coworker has also showed an interest in her as well. It's exciting because my wife and I have used this fantasy of her coworker a few times while having sex and it was extraordinary. The scary part is that her coworker has asked her to have drinks after the up coming office event this weekend where things might progress. My wife is frightful that it may break us a part but it's something that we are willing to take a chance on. Should I stop her or should we just throw caution to the wind and go for it because this is why we made the move in the first place?
Excited but anxious
- Thread starter Augmarie
- Start date
If you want to start living a poly life, you need to start somewhere. To me, this does not sound like a bad start at all 
Your wife has someone she is interested in and the interest seems to be reciprocated... Why would you want to "stop her"? Why would exploring this connection be "throwing caution to the wind"? What is the risk here? Do you mean that your wife would risk something regarding her employment by getting involved with a coworker?
A side note: you and your wife have been fantasizing about this woman while having sex together. She, being a lesbian, might not be that happy about you fantasizing about her, especially if she becomes intimate with your wife. Let them have their privacy!
Your wife has someone she is interested in and the interest seems to be reciprocated... Why would you want to "stop her"? Why would exploring this connection be "throwing caution to the wind"? What is the risk here? Do you mean that your wife would risk something regarding her employment by getting involved with a coworker?A side note: you and your wife have been fantasizing about this woman while having sex together. She, being a lesbian, might not be that happy about you fantasizing about her, especially if she becomes intimate with your wife. Let them have their privacy!
Thanks for the reply Nadya. You raise a good point about giving them their privacy but if it all goes down, when will it be a good time for me to say "hey, what about me?" I'm not looking to join because I respect her being a lesbian and all but I might eventually want to have my own encounter. Is this even considerd being poly or is it just open cheating? It's all just so confusing
Spork
Active member
Thanks for the reply Nadya. You raise a good point about giving them their privacy but if it all goes down, when will it be a good time for me to say "hey, what about me?" I'm not looking to join because I respect her being a lesbian and all but I might eventually want to have my own encounter. Is this even considerd being poly or is it just open cheating? It's all just so confusing
The main difference between poly and cheating, ETHICAL non-monogamy, and cheating, is HONESTY.
If your wife is telling you the truth, telling this other woman the truth, and you are telling her the truth, basically no secrets or broken promises are going down, then you're GOLDEN.
The main cautions here are:
1. Romance with coworkers has its own hazards.
2. Be careful, as beginners to poly, of having expectations, or making promises, that are difficult or impossible to keep.
That last one... So often, a married couple newly opening will try to make rules about the people in the relationship developing feelings for those outside of the relationship. An insecure partner may feel that meaningless sex is alright but feelings are not. The idea might be that both are exploring a kink together, and the additional parties to this are thought of only as "a female" or whatever, not an actual person who also has feelings. The only ethical way I can see, to do the "sex only, no feelings allowed" arrangement, is to engage in activity ONLY in swinger environments or with the very clear agreement that it's a ONS or something like that. You see someone multiple times, there is a chance for feelings to develop, even if all that's happening is sex. Even if we don't mean to, we are human. And then often, the insecure partner gets upset because the one with feelings broke the agreement...when it was an impossible agreement to begin with. A coworker for instance, is absolutely the wrong choice for a "sex only, no emotions" arrangement.
And might be a poor choice anyways, just based on the coworker thing. Especially if they are in the same room or department, etc. Have to see one another daily...what if it all goes wrong? Will there be drama? Think it through carefully and advise them to as well.
As to "what about me?" what is stopping you from dating right now? I take it you understand that this other woman is a lesbian, so you won't be involved in that, and will need to seek your own other partner...the right time is whenever you and your wife are comfortable with you doing it. Now. Today. Whenever. What are you waiting for, if this is the lifestyle you have both chosen and wish to pursue...?
Thanks for the reply Nadya. You raise a good point about giving them their privacy but if it all goes down, when will it be a good time for me to say "hey, what about me?" I'm not looking to join because I respect her being a lesbian and all but I might eventually want to have my own encounter. Is this even considerd being poly or is it just open cheating? It's all just so confusing
It's not open cheating. TheKnight and I have separate romantic lives, we know each others' partners but there aren't entangled relationships there. I am not even sure that "open cheating" is really a thing - what do you mean by that, anyway? (Actually I realize that monogamous people would think of it that way. But the first step to being _happily_ poly, IMO, is to work on breaking those monogamous thought patterns.
Hi Augmarie,
I think you should go ahead with your plans. And that you should start looking right away for your own additional person to date. It's poly as long as everyone is honest with each other. Even without a chain of romantic links, at least it's responsible nonmonogamy. I wouldn't call it cheating unless someone was acting in secret, or acting without the others' consent.
Keep us posted if you're willing,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I think you should go ahead with your plans. And that you should start looking right away for your own additional person to date. It's poly as long as everyone is honest with each other. Even without a chain of romantic links, at least it's responsible nonmonogamy. I wouldn't call it cheating unless someone was acting in secret, or acting without the others' consent.
Keep us posted if you're willing,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Ravenscroft
Banned
Back to basics, maybe...?
Augmarie, the one thing I'm unclear on is how much your SO has done to inform the potential girlfriend as to the situation.
If she's hardcore monogamous, she could be working under the assumption that your wife is looking to leave you.
If she's monogamous-mostly, she might believe that you are being kept totally "in the dark," & be hurt or resentful when she learns you are kept informed of their interactions, essentially invading her privacy.
And when are you going to tell her that she's already a sexual aid...?
To make it "polyamory," there has to be free-flowing communication for everyone. And not eventually -- it's already overdue. I suppose you could pull back from poly a bit & maintain a "don't ask, don't tell" sexually open relationship, but DADT has its own set of problems.
I hope you moved to California for some reason better than "in search of a more open lifestyle." (After all, it's the state that gave us governors Nixon, Reagan, & Schwarzenegger, those free-thinking liberals!)
Augmarie, the one thing I'm unclear on is how much your SO has done to inform the potential girlfriend as to the situation.
If she's hardcore monogamous, she could be working under the assumption that your wife is looking to leave you.
If she's monogamous-mostly, she might believe that you are being kept totally "in the dark," & be hurt or resentful when she learns you are kept informed of their interactions, essentially invading her privacy.
And when are you going to tell her that she's already a sexual aid...?
To make it "polyamory," there has to be free-flowing communication for everyone. And not eventually -- it's already overdue. I suppose you could pull back from poly a bit & maintain a "don't ask, don't tell" sexually open relationship, but DADT has its own set of problems.
I hope you moved to California for some reason better than "in search of a more open lifestyle."
(After all, it's the state that gave us governors Nixon, Reagan, & Schwarzenegger, those free-thinking liberals!)So, you and your wife have been interested in "the poly lifestyle" for a while... What is your idea of "poly lifestyle"? Why would separate relationships for one or both of you NOT be poly? If you read these boards, you'll see that the majority of us here do have separate relationships - including me. I have three partners that are not romantically connected. Yes, I live with two of them as is, but that did not happen overnight. If you educate yourself about polyamory, you'll notice that very many experienced poly people do actually prefer to date separately. If you doubt the model that I dare say majority of polyfolk think is the best way to conduct poly relationships is polyamory at all, what is?Thanks for the reply Nadya. You raise a good point about giving them their privacy but if it all goes down, when will it be a good time for me to say "hey, what about me?" I'm not looking to join because I respect her being a lesbian and all but I might eventually want to have my own encounter. Is this even considerd being poly or is it just open cheating? It's all just so confusing
And, you ask us: "What about me?" So, what about you? What do you want? Your own separate relationship? Why not start looking for it? I think the good time to raise that question is right now, as you are wondering about it. Talk about it with your wife, tell her your wants and concerns.
Spork
Active member
I think the part that I'm a little unclear on, and would like to ask the OP to explain, is this:
When you say, "what about me?" and "my own encounter"... Are you saying you want an encounter with the lesbian coworker involved? Even though you claim to understand that she isn't into men? Or are you asking when it's the right time to pursue another person outside of the marriage, yourself?
If you expect or hope that this lesbian will be "a third" for you and your wife, then NO. Full stop. Don't go there. If she identifies as a lesbian, then she is not for you. Even expecting that her relationship with your wife is there to be fuel for your sexual excitement, isn't quite right.
If you are wondering when it's time for you to date and pursue someone else, then that is totally in your hands, and again...what are you waiting for?
When you say, "what about me?" and "my own encounter"... Are you saying you want an encounter with the lesbian coworker involved? Even though you claim to understand that she isn't into men? Or are you asking when it's the right time to pursue another person outside of the marriage, yourself?
If you expect or hope that this lesbian will be "a third" for you and your wife, then NO. Full stop. Don't go there. If she identifies as a lesbian, then she is not for you. Even expecting that her relationship with your wife is there to be fuel for your sexual excitement, isn't quite right.
If you are wondering when it's time for you to date and pursue someone else, then that is totally in your hands, and again...what are you waiting for?
