Exiting polyamory and choosing between partners

[Marco1585]

Hi,

As a new member to the forum, I have explored some topics and the most common cited advice thread but I haven't found much help on the topic of choosing relations. I'd be grateful to be redirected to other existing threads, or to hear about your experiences.

I've been in a stable monogamous relationship with Annette for several years before we eventually agreed to dip our toes into open relationship. So we are all still very new. I had met Cecilia, who was to become my secondary, more casual partner. After a few weeks, Annette has expressed the desire to go back to a monogamous relationship, basically asking me to choose between the two relationships.

I am really not prepared to make such a decision, and I have no idea how to start thinking about it, trying to compare two relationships with two completely different people at completely different stages. One the one hand there is this new relation sparkle with Cecilia, while on the other there is deep bond of love, care and trust with Annette.

Novelty vs Security?

I look forward to sharing with members of this community,
Sincerely,

 

[Openbook23]

If I understand you correctly, you have been with your new partner (Cecilia) for just a few weeks? Annette has decided that it's not working and would like to go back to monogamy? Is this correct?

I don't think novelty vs. security is the real option here. It's actually interesting that you are even thinking about this choice, when you have a partner of several years vs. a few weeks. You must care about Cecilia very much in a short time. You should consider how much of that is what is known as NRE (New Relationship Energy). We often idealize our new partners, and there are all sorts of hormones that release when we find a new partner. Telling the difference between these things and genuine feelings is difficult, especially if you aren't accustomed to it (new to poly and/or first new relationship in years).

There is a general rule in the poly community that you shouldn't make big life decisions within the first year of a new relationship for this reason. You are being asked to make one. I'm going to set aside all my questions about WHY Annette wants to close again (so many possibilities!) and focus on your question. Is losing a stable relationship of years worth the unknowns of the new one? Does the fact that you are even considering it mean that there are issues in your LTR that you aren't discussing here (or maybe haven't even deeply explored yourself)? I mean, the obvious answer is Annette, and yet here you are asking, which suggests that it's not so obvious to you.

Ask yourself what your ideal future with each partner would be one year from now...five years from now. See if that helps you decide. But also be realistic. You don't know this new person NEARLY as well. So try not to idealize and get carried away.

Finally, I'm sorry this is hard for you. You have ended up in a tough situation!

 

[ref2018]

new relation sparkle with Cecilia, while on the other there is deep bond of love, care and trust with Annette.

If Cecilia asked you for monogamy, would you be asking yourself this question?

 

[Marco1585]

Hello, your understanding of the situation is totally correct. I appreciate your taking the time to write an answer.

I don't think novelty vs. security is the real option here.

I didn't expect this. What would you rephrase the options? I indeed know myself to have NRE and it's hard to make keep a cool head and to make a genuine assessment of my feelings. Even if both relationships are at different stages, I already know that these two persons are gonna provide with very different qualities. I feel like trying to make an assessment based on their character/persons/who they are is going to be even more difficult than to choose between novelty and security. One is not better than the other, both are unique and special. That's what attracted me to being poly in the first place

Also interesting to realize that the obvious answer is Annette. Yes, I am happy with her. There are some issues in our relationship but we are able to freely talk about it without triggering each other. She's not comfortable with the idea of sharing me.

If Cecilia asked you for monogamy, would you be asking yourself this question?

If I understand you, you are asking if I'd be willing to go back into monogamy. Yes, I do. This new experience has given me so much to process and to grow from and this will take time and I could have this time in a monogamous relation. All of us three believe that these can be phases we can go in and out of.

 

[Openbook23]

Absolutely! Making the choice between them as people would be more difficult. But they ARE people, not abstract concepts. That's what I mean by saying I don't think it's about novelty vs security per se. You are choosing between partners. Which one do you think is a better partner for you right now? I know you aren't actually reducing them to security vs novelty. It's an abstraction---a way to help you think about your options. But the truth is that they ARE both special to you in their own ways. Is it possible you could rephrase it as taking a break from poly (and Cecilia or Annette) while you do this processing? In other words, leaving that door open.

The good news is that it sounds like everyone is being really mature about this. You haven't explained WHY Annette wants to return to monogamy and why you have to do so with her (why can't she see only you, but you get to see both). You don't have to explain that, but the answer could help you decide if seeing Cecilia again (assuming you choose Annette) remains a possibility.

One thing that almost every poly book discusses is that when you open your relationship, you are deconstructing that notion that older relationships are automatically the priority. Sounds like you get that. That's great! So, when I say Annette is the 'obvious' choice, I mean from a traditional standpoint. You've been with her a lot longer and you know what that relationship is, and you still seem to want it. But from a poly standpoint, there is no obvious answer here. BOTH relationships are viable, as you say.

I'll add one thing, just for you to consider. The idea of 'sharing' a partner is problematic to me (maybe not to you, though!). I think of my partners as autonomous beings. We don't belong to each other, and thus we cannot 'share' each other. We freely choose to be together, and if we choose otherwise, then we will end that partnership. When I am with my girlfriend, my wife is not sharing me with her. Sure, there is a time factor, opportunity costs, etc. But I don't belong to my wife (hahahaha, the U.S. govt. might disagree!). She doesn't belong to me, either. We negotiate our time together so that we are both happy. When she sees someone else, I'm not being generous and sharing her. She's choosing to be with that person at that time. However, this is just how I (and my partners) see this issue. You don't have to agree with it.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am just wondering how long you and Annette did research into poly before you (and/or she) began to actually date others. It's a shame that you both decided you were ready, only to have you find a person you seem to really like and are now being requested to dump because Annette changed her mind. It's not easy at all to find a good person to date.

Whose idea was it to open the relationship? What were the benefits they expected and now, what is the fear?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Marco1585,

I would point out that Annette is the one who is making you choose. Cecilia isn't making you choose. In that regard, Cecilia is the one you should choose. On the other hand, choosing Annette would be the dutiful choice. You decide. Which one in your heart of hearts is the one you would choose if you had to choose? the one you have the most history with, or the one who isn't making you choose?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[SlowPoly]

. . . I had met Cecilia, who was to become my secondary, more casual partner.

When you say “who was to become” are you declaring a fact with narrative style, or are you saying there was prescribed hierarchy in your relating, with Annette as primary?

After a few weeks, Annette has expressed the desire to go back to a monogamous relationship, basically asking me to choose between the two relationships.

Was this kind of option discussed when you decided to try open relationship? Did you and Annette agree that she (or either of you) could call an end to the experiment at any time? Did you share this possibility with Cecilia, or is your relationship with her so explicitly casual or so new that she is on a date-to-date basis?

I am really not prepared to make such a decision, and I have no idea how to start thinking about it, trying to compare two relationships with two completely different people at completely different stages. One the one hand there is this new relation sparkle with Cecilia, while on the other there is deep bond of love, care and trust with Annette.

I guess I don’t understand the conundrum, if the relationship with Cecilia is (prescriptively or descriptively) “secondary” and “more casual.” It sounds like you’ve defined her as the less important/committed/central of your two partners. And it’s only been a few weeks? Why would you leave your (apparently) primary relationship?

You don’t mention anything about Cecilia’s expectations or wants, but the fact that you would consider “choosing” her over Annette doesn’t totally jibe with the newness and casual status you say that relationship has.

For me (since I’m not interested in monogamy) the question would never be “Which to choose?” but for each partner “Do they fit right now in the life I want for me?” I’m polyamorous, so Annette would not fit the life I want for me. But you … ?

If I understand you, you are asking if I'd be willing to go back into monogamy. Yes, I do. This new experience has given me so much to process and to grow from and this will take time and I could have this time in a monogamous relation. All of us three believe that these can be phases we can go in and out of.

You say you’d be fine in monogamy. So … why not go back to monogamy with Annette and process what you’ve learned for a while?

If you later decide you need polyamory in your life, you can work out with Annette whether that means splitting up, or whether she has concluded the same for herself.

Heck, if you have treated Cecilia with loving kindness, she might still be up for a relationship if it someday turns out you are no longer monogamous. (I always told my “comet” partner he could settle into monogamy with someone anytime he wanted to, and I’d probably still be polyamorous and interested if he ended up single again, or poly himself.)

Good luck! I hope you learn and consider a lot more and find answers that help you all get what you need.

 

[Marcus]

I am really not prepared to make such a decision, and I have no idea how to start thinking about it, trying to compare two relationships with two completely different people at completely different stages.

I'm not monogamous, so someone "offering" me that choice is a firm indicator that this person and I are not doing the same thing. I wouldn't entertain weighing the two relationships, because asking me to do that in the first place is a hard stop for me.

Have you discussed this with Annette? Did you guys talk about the possibility of a new partner trying to filch one of you away from the other? (it's apparently pretty common)