Experiencing some growing pains and would just love some support and advice

P

punkrockgirl

New member
Hi all!

Really excited to have found this forum after browsing through some judmental and irritating pages on reddit. I've never posted anything like this before but really felt as though I could use some community support and possibly advice.

My current primary/nesting partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years. When we first got together, it was on the terms that we would be non-monogamous. For the first few years of our relationship, non-monogamy for us just basically took the form of group sex that we participated in together. This wasn't specific to our arrangement, it was just how things ended up working out. We were still in college and figuring out what we wanted. A little over a year ago (just pre-COVID) we approached the topic of polyamory. We had recently moved to a new city and began making new connections and realized that this was always what was going to happen. However, during COVID we had to press pause for the most part. While we did have a few short term romantic connections over the last year (with unfortunately toxic people), nothing serious happened. However, that is all changing now as life slowly goes back to normal.

Recently, we started seeing a couple together who we had previously been friends with, but just as it began to get more serious, I left town for a few weeks. I've been having a lot of anxiety as the three of them continue to explore their relationship without me. Additionally, my primary partner has been going on solo dates for the first time in our relationship while I've been gone. While I'm happy for them to be doing this, we didn't have a conversation about it and I was a bit caught off guard when I learned about what was happening. Basically, I'm just having a lot of anxious feelings about these situations. Add to the mix our bad experiences over the last year with two separate toxic individuals who tried to shake our trust in each other and were absolutely NOT good introductions to polyamory.

For all intents and purposes, we are still very new at this. I am having trouble figuring out what I need to do to ease my anxiety and be 100% comfortable moving forward. I don't feel comfortable telling my partner what they can and can't do, but at the same time I feel as though some basic ground rules for now would be helpful for me to negotiate. From the experiences I've had with poly communities and forums thus far, I know this can be seen as a big no-no. However, my partner and I have been attached at the hip for so long that I really feel as though I need to take my time with this and do it right. It's going to be an adjustment for me, whereas dating and sex seems to come a lot more naturally to my partner. I think this difference is part of what is fueling my anxiety. I feel it necessary to add that our own brand of polyamory at the moment is 100% hierarchical, something I know might be a touchy subject to some, but the fact that this might change someday is another source of anxiety.

Overall I am happy to be on this journey and want this. But I just would love some advice getting past these growing pains. Does anyone have experience setting soft guidelines and is it a bad idea? Dealing with a quad situation where you feel like you're moving at a slower pace than everyone else? Easing into polyamory with a long-term partner comfortably? Moving past trauma from toxic partners? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Much love <3
 
One way you're actually making this harder than it needs to be is for you and your partner (let's call him Sid, assuming he's male, please correct me if I'm wrong) and you to be dating the same person or people. Doing triads and quads with a nesting partner may SEEM cozy and bonding (and reassuring if you're wanting hierarchy) but in actuality it can be super-complicated and stressful. You see that now. You're out of town and Sid is dating 2 people in a triad (assuming some bisexuality/pansexuality if there are different genders), and you have FOMO.

If you and Sid would each just choose partners of your own, and not try to "share," no "toxic people" would be able to triangulate you and Sid. Your partner and Sid's partner could perhaps be cordial or even friends, but if they weren't sex partners, it would take away a lot of stress.

Media makes us think that polyamory means triads and quads, but in reality, polyamory is far more V-shaped. A V would be you, Sid and your other partner. Or Sid, you and Sid's other partner. But you wouldn't share a partner.

Group sex can be fun I guess... but it's not required for polyamory. Sex isn't even required for polyamory. There are asexual poly people.
 
Magdlyn said:
One way you're actually making this harder than it needs to be is for you and your partner (let's call him Sid, assuming he's male, please correct me if I'm wrong) and you to be dating the same person or people. Doing triads and quads with a nesting partner may SEEM cozy and bonding (and reassuring if you're wanting hierarchy) but in actuality it can be super-complicated and stressful. You see that now. You're out of town and Sid is dating 2 people in a triad (assuming some bisexuality/pansexuality if there are different genders), and you have FOMO.

If you and Sid would each just choose partners of your own, and not try to "share," no "toxic people" would be able to triangulate you and Sid. Your partner and Sid's partner could perhaps be cordial or even friends, but if they weren't sex partners, it would take away a lot of stress.

Media makes us think that polyamory means triads and quads, but in reality, polyamory is far more V-shaped. A V would be you, Sid and your other partner. Or Sid, you and Sid's other partner. But you wouldn't share a partner.

Group sex can be fun I guess... but it's not required for polyamory. Sex isn't even required for polyamory. There are asexual poly people.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for your response! Just to clarify a few things: Sid is non-binary and we are both queer individuals. I fully see what you're saying about dating the same people together. In this situation, we just happened to simultaneously fall for the same people and decided to give it a shot. It's not a requirement for us to share partners. I'm going to ride it out and hope for the best, but it's not a goal of mine to continuously share partners for the foreseeable future. Additionally, we all relate to one another independently and don't always hang out all together have sex as a group.

I'm sorry if my initial post made it sound like I was sexualizing polyamory... I'm very aware that that is not the case, in fact, one of my partners is asexual. While group sex can be fun and is something we enjoy from time to time, it's not why we are poly. Our initial experiences with non-monogamy being group sex situations were just a matter of circumstance and not really knowing what we wanted yet.

I appreciate your feedback immensely and have a lot to think about :)
 
However, my partner and I have been attached at the hip for so long that I really feel as though I need to take my time with this and do it right. It's going to be an adjustment for me, whereas dating and sex seems to come a lot more naturally to my partner.
Click to expand...

Could detangle some.

medium.com

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com medium.com

And accept you each have different styles.

And talk about the "messy people." Sounds like dating the same person could be messy. So don't do that if it is. You also probably don't want to date each other's parents, siblings, bosses, best friend, etc. Sounds obvious, but spelling it out is probably a good idea so there's no surprises.

Recently, we started seeing a couple together who we had previously been friends with, but just as it began to get more serious, I left town for a few weeks. I've been having a lot of anxiety as the three of them continue to explore their relationship without me. Additionally, my primary partner has been going on solo dates for the first time in our relationship while I've been gone. While I'm happy for them to be doing this, we didn't have a conversation about it and I was a bit caught off guard when I learned about what was happening.
Click to expand...

Some of your anxieties you list here stem from it being a surprise because you hadn't talked about it yet.

You cannot talk about EVERY little thing, but you could talk about the big main things.

In this situation, we just happened to simultaneously fall for the same people and decided to give it a shot. It's not a requirement for us to share partners. I'm going to ride it out and hope for the best, but it's not a goal of mine to continuously share partners for the foreseeable future. Additionally, we all relate to one another independently and don't always hang out all together have sex as a group.
Click to expand...

I think in future? You and Sid could agree to either NOT date them at all if you both crush on the same person. Or make the call for who pursues and who backs off.

In THIS case? How does "ride it out" end then if it doesn't match your goal?

I think you could pause to think that some more out before the emotions get stronger and people get more attached. What's "give this a shot" mean and where would it end up? And would it provoke anxiety or stress in kicking the decision down the road?

Because if you do not want to share partners with Sid? Why do it now? And what do you think will happen when the emotions ARE stronger?
  • You break up with them, and adjust to them dating Sid still while you have to get over your strong feelings for them?
  • You expect Sid to dump them to maintain primary-secondary? Even though Sid might have strong feelings for them?
  • You keep on participating, even though you really don't like sharing partners?
  • Something else?
Could opt out. Sid can see them, you don't.
  • Then you do not deal with Sid as your partner that you date AND as your meta who dates your other partner(s).
  • And the other partners? They can just be your friends. And your metas because they date Sid. Not ALSO being your partners too.
Reduce the loads here, so it can reduce the anxiety load. You probably don't want to be competing with Sid for the attention of the same new dating partner(s), right?

You can date your own separate people and go with people who match YOUR speed and dating style.

I feel it necessary to add that our own brand of polyamory at the moment is 100% hierarchical, something I know might be a touchy subject to some, but the fact that this might change someday is another source of anxiety.
Click to expand...

Nothing wrong with primary-secondary so long as all participants agree on the model they practice together. Is the other couple on board with that? Are they also primary-secondary? Like they are primary to each other and dating you/Sid is secondary?

Could talk about if/when/how primary-secondary model ends then. So expectations are clear.

Would it end by changing to a co-primary model?
You bowing out and breaking up with Sid?
Something else? What?

Overall I am happy to be on this journey and want this. But I just would love some advice getting past these growing pains. Does anyone have experience setting soft guidelines and is it a bad idea?
Click to expand...

Nothing wrong with having personal boundaries. Or articulating your dealbreakers, hard limits, soft limits, uncertain places, etc. People cannot mind reader you.

Using condoms and other safer sex practices? Sounds reasonable to me.

Not spending the household money on dates with partners and leaving the rent and power bill unpaid? Sounds reasonable to me.

What sorts of guidelines or agreements are you wanting?

Could print this out and use color markers on it.

  • Green for "Good to go."
  • Yellow for "Go slow. It's a yes, but go proceed with caution."
  • Red for "Stop. Might be a hard limit or a soft limit. Needs discussion to discern."
    • A soft limit might change over time.
    • A hard limit will likely not change over time.
  • Black for "No way in hell, EVER." Instant, total dealbreaker. (The partner wants to eat children.)

Then compare sheets and see what lines up and what does not. And over time do it again, and see if some of the yellow things can become green, and some of the red things can become yellow.

Could add extra lines if you need to on the sheets.

Dealing with a quad situation where you feel like you're moving at a slower pace than everyone else?
Click to expand...

Why do you have to go fast? You can't just go at the right speed for YOU? And if that doesn't work for others, break up? That's the point to dating right? See what is compatible or not?

And maybe reflect. Why START there in a quad? Rather than you and Sid dating separate people? Would that ease up your poly dating experience significantly?

Moving past trauma from toxic partners?
Click to expand...

How have you healed from this? What did you learn from the experience that could help you now?

Easing into polyamory with a long-term partner comfortably?
Click to expand...

Group sex is not a requirement in poly. Maybe you want to put that on hold and deal with one thing at a time. If poly is your main interest, focus on that.

Don't know if reading these helps any.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

Subpages - kathylabriola.com

To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com


For all intents and purposes, we are still very new at this. I am having trouble figuring out what I need to do to ease my anxiety and be 100% comfortable moving forward.
Click to expand...

You won't be 100%. That is not realistic. Because you are trying to grow and change.

It's normal to feel weird. The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't here yet. There's a transition time. And there will be growing pains and learning mistakes. Be prepared for that. Make your initial agreements knowing they won't be perfect and might need adjustments along the way.

You agree to go there and be "comfortably uncomfortable" for a time. A person grows by going outside their comfort zone. Not staying in it. But taking a jump 3 feet out, then another jump, then another... That is different than trying to jump 3 miles out in one go.

Maybe you think you can deal with this transition time if you were like 80% of the time comfortable, and only 20% uncertain or anxious. But being 20% ok and then 80% of the time feeling UGH -- that would not be worth it or it's too many changes at once.

In choosing to change things? You don't want to bite off more than you can chew and end up at UNCOMFORTABLE uncomfortable or flat out Crazy Town where things hurt you.

YKWIM?

You are also responsible for your own emergency preparedness. If this all goes wahoonie... even down to everyone single again... Can you make it on your own, get a new flat, pay your bills, etc? Cuz knowing that can alleviate a lot of stress/anxiety.

Galagirl
 
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Hello punkrockgirl,

I think you are doing well at poly so far, you don't have to break up with that couple unless that's what you want to do. Poly is hard for most people in the beginning. You might not always need this, but some basic ground rules can help a lot when you're just starting out. And it is not a bad thing as long as the people involved agree to it. Can I ask, what are some of the rules you were thinking of?

It is okay to move slower than the others, you will catch up eventually. As for the toxic people you were seeing last year, you have learned wisdom from that, and are no longer seeing those people. Are there leftover effects that still bother you from those relationships? What are some of your triggers?

You will do okay. Hang in there. Keep posting in this thread, keep us updated as your situation evolves. We will give up-to-date advice and support. You can do this!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship​

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com
medium.com
Click to expand...
This helped IMMENSELY and I think actually covered a lot of what I was concerned about. I shared it with my partner right away and we decided to put a pause on things outside of our quad and do this first.
GalaGirl said:
Nothing wrong with primary-secondary so long as all participants agree on the model they practice together. Is the other couple on board with that? Are they also primary-secondary? Like they are primary to each other and dating you/Sid is secondary?
Click to expand...
Yes, everyone is on board with this. That's partially why I'm comfortable with the arrangement because we have similar relationship structures and I know we can relate.
GalaGirl said:
I think in future? You and Sid could agree to either NOT date them at all if you both crush on the same person. Or make the call for who pursues and who backs off.

In THIS case? How does "ride it out" end then if it doesn't match your goal?
Click to expand...
I think I phrased this part of my original post poorly- I see myself dating the couple we currently are for the foreseeable future, I just don't plan on dating the same people as my partner outside of them for the foreseeable future.
GalaGirl said:
Nothing wrong with having personal boundaries. Or articulating your dealbreakers, hard limits, soft limits, uncertain places, etc. People cannot mind reader you.

Using condoms and other safer sex practices? Sounds reasonable to me.

Not spending the household money on dates with partners and leaving the rent and power bill unpaid? Sounds reasonable to me.

What sorts of guidelines or agreements are you wanting?

Could print this out and use color markers on it.

Free Downloads from Opening Up – OpeningUp.net
  • Green for "Good to go."
  • Yellow for "Go slow. It's a yes, but go proceed with caution."
  • Red for "Stop. Might be a hard limit or a soft limit. Needs discussion to discern."
    • A soft limit might change over time.
    • A hard limit will likely not change over time.
  • Black for "No way in hell, EVER." Instant, total dealbreaker. (The partner wants to eat children.)
Click to expand...
These are essentially in line with the boundaries I was thinking of. A big one for me is that I'm not ready for Sid to be sleeping over anywhere YET. Another is that I want to focus on each other when we are around each other (not constantly calling/texting/messaging other partners). Small things like that. Unfortunately, the link you provided isn't working, which is sad because it seemed like a really good idea!!

I also want to reiterate that I'm sorry if it seemed like I was sexualizing polyamory in my original post. Group sex is not a requirement for me, it's just been coincidental. With the couple we are seeing now, we all have individual relationships together and group sex is not always a thing we do. One of them is asexual too!

Your response was very validating and made me feel much better. I appreciate it.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello punkrockgirl,

I think you are doing well at poly so far, you don't have to break up with that couple unless that's what you want to do. Poly is hard for most people in the beginning
Click to expand...
Hi Kevin! Thank you! I'm already in a much better place emotionally than I was yesterday when I posted this.
kdt26417 said:
Are there leftover effects that still bother you from those relationships? What are some of your triggers?
Click to expand...
Both of the people I was seeing did things to try and shake my trust in my partner and didn't respect our relationship. I suppose I just worry that someone will successfully shake our trust in each other, although that is mostly irrational. Also, both of these people were from what I could consider a toxic poly crowd who believed that monogamy is bad and wrong, that hierarchical polyamory is bad and wrong, that jealousy is bad and wrong, etc.
kdt26417 said:
Can I ask, what are some of the rules you were thinking of?
Click to expand...
The rules I'm thinking of are mostly simple and some of them would be temporary just as we get more comfortable. Condoms with anyone but me are a must. For now, I am not comfortable with my partner sleeping over anywhere, but I expect this to change, I just want the comfort and security of having them in my bed at the end of the day. I also want to make sure we are focused on each other during our alone time and aren't constantly calling/messaging other partners. I'd also like to know when they are going on dates just so that I am not caught off guard when hearing about it later, not to approve or disapprove.
kdt26417 said:
You will do okay. Hang in there. Keep posting in this thread, keep us updated as your situation evolves. We will give up-to-date advice and support. You can do this!
Click to expand...
Thank you so much, I will absolutely come back with updates and the support is so appreciated.
 
Hi punkrockgirl,
As it stands, I think you should establish the following rules:
  • Condoms with anyone but you (this would be a permanent rule. Or would it? What if it was someone you knew really well, and absolutely trusted?).
  • Sid must not sleep over anywhere yet (this would be a temporary rule, to be dissolved just as you get more comfortable).
  • No constantly calling/texting/messaging other partners when you are around each other (this is a super good rule, and really is just good manners!).
  • Notify you of when they are going on dates (just so that you're not caught off guard when hearing about it later, not to approve or disapprove).
Start with those rules, then add or subtract periodically as your situation evolves.

Those people you were seeing before sound really toxic! They seem to have an uppity attitude, and *their* poly is superior to *other* people's poly. You were right to break up with them, and I would advise being on the lookout for that sort of thing in the future. Unfortunately, not all polyamorists can be trusted. At the same time, work to strengthen your trust in Sid, and Sid's trust in you. What are some of the things you really trust about each other? What are some of the weak areas in your trust? Build upon the strong areas, and have conversations about the weak areas, brainstorm about how to strengthen them.

Looking forward to your continued posts,
Kevin T.
 
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