Hi there,
I am new to this world and exploring whether I am poly/ open/ or a relationship anarchy person. I am unsure but I am aware I don't get romantic jealously and thrive when I have permission to kiss who I want- I believe we are animals who are mostly incapable of just kissing one person for the rest of their lives but I also do want a life partner with whom I can make a life with.
I'm looking for some advice because I am figuring things out with a new partner of mine who is very important to me.
The situation:
I realised I am someone who would thrive in an open relationship type situation after my first long term relationship with a woman which ended when I wanted to kiss other people. I was sad because I was still in love with her and later realised I would have loved to stay with her but ended it because society tells you that you should end things when you want to kiss other people. I read about open relationships and had one agreed with my last (male) partner. This was a fairly short relationship -only 6 months- and I only had sexual relations with one friend during that time but I felt so safe and secure knowing that I wasn't his property for all of my life and when it ended, it ended for other reasons.
My new partner is wonderful - we have so much in common and he is a queer man and I love and thrive on being a relationship with another queer person. I sent him an article about relationship anarchy early on and spoke with him quite openly about the fact I was an open relationship sort of person. When I asked him about how he felt about it, he said he didn't know. He said every person he had been with had cheated on him and that he had worked through that with them and not held it against them. His last relationship ended when he found out she had been cheating for a while and it was the lies which hurt the most. I promised him that I would never lie but that I am someone who may sometimes want to kiss other people which wouldn't mean I didn't love him or cherish him. He said he didn't want to agree to an open relationship because of the pre-concieved rules and connotations attached but that we would figure out an 'us' relationship and that he wanted me to be the fullest version of myself. I also said I wanted him to be the fullest version of him.
This weekend I got drunk at a wedding, was missing him and flirted with a woman who I then asked if I could kiss. She said no. I told my partner then next day and asked him how he felt about it. He said he's not angry but doesn't understand how I can send him 'I love you' texts whilst also hitting on someone else. I explained how wanting to kiss someone else doesn't mean I don't love him and I think he understood but the vibes with us still feel a bit weird. I am a bit sad because I feel like I've been really open about the fact I am an open relationship sort of person and now I am totally in love with him I see that he would find this hard.
I believe I shouldn't have hit on this woman without speaking with him first and that was not appropriate. I've told him that I perceive this makes him sad I am am happy to try monogamy for now but in truth that feels like cutting out a core part of myself. I can't tell if I'm being idealistic thinking I will find someone who matches and inspires me in the same amount of ways which this guy does but also accepts the relationship fluid part of myself.
I love him and don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to subscribe to outdated rules around monogamy...
Do you have any advice or pointers? Is this a deal breaker with this guy? I really want it to work and never want to lie to him like lots of people do but I also don't think I can commit to one person alone in this way for the rest of my life.
Any help appreciated.
Many thanks,
Irn Bru
I am new to this world and exploring whether I am poly/ open/ or a relationship anarchy person. I am unsure but I am aware I don't get romantic jealously and thrive when I have permission to kiss who I want- I believe we are animals who are mostly incapable of just kissing one person for the rest of their lives but I also do want a life partner with whom I can make a life with.
I'm looking for some advice because I am figuring things out with a new partner of mine who is very important to me.
The situation:
I realised I am someone who would thrive in an open relationship type situation after my first long term relationship with a woman which ended when I wanted to kiss other people. I was sad because I was still in love with her and later realised I would have loved to stay with her but ended it because society tells you that you should end things when you want to kiss other people. I read about open relationships and had one agreed with my last (male) partner. This was a fairly short relationship -only 6 months- and I only had sexual relations with one friend during that time but I felt so safe and secure knowing that I wasn't his property for all of my life and when it ended, it ended for other reasons.
My new partner is wonderful - we have so much in common and he is a queer man and I love and thrive on being a relationship with another queer person. I sent him an article about relationship anarchy early on and spoke with him quite openly about the fact I was an open relationship sort of person. When I asked him about how he felt about it, he said he didn't know. He said every person he had been with had cheated on him and that he had worked through that with them and not held it against them. His last relationship ended when he found out she had been cheating for a while and it was the lies which hurt the most. I promised him that I would never lie but that I am someone who may sometimes want to kiss other people which wouldn't mean I didn't love him or cherish him. He said he didn't want to agree to an open relationship because of the pre-concieved rules and connotations attached but that we would figure out an 'us' relationship and that he wanted me to be the fullest version of myself. I also said I wanted him to be the fullest version of him.
This weekend I got drunk at a wedding, was missing him and flirted with a woman who I then asked if I could kiss. She said no. I told my partner then next day and asked him how he felt about it. He said he's not angry but doesn't understand how I can send him 'I love you' texts whilst also hitting on someone else. I explained how wanting to kiss someone else doesn't mean I don't love him and I think he understood but the vibes with us still feel a bit weird. I am a bit sad because I feel like I've been really open about the fact I am an open relationship sort of person and now I am totally in love with him I see that he would find this hard.
I believe I shouldn't have hit on this woman without speaking with him first and that was not appropriate. I've told him that I perceive this makes him sad I am am happy to try monogamy for now but in truth that feels like cutting out a core part of myself. I can't tell if I'm being idealistic thinking I will find someone who matches and inspires me in the same amount of ways which this guy does but also accepts the relationship fluid part of myself.
I love him and don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to subscribe to outdated rules around monogamy...
Do you have any advice or pointers? Is this a deal breaker with this guy? I really want it to work and never want to lie to him like lots of people do but I also don't think I can commit to one person alone in this way for the rest of my life.
Any help appreciated.
Many thanks,
Irn Bru
