Exploring Polyamory, insecurities and boundaries?

[MG1998]

So first of all my partner and I are both in a straight relationship, however we are both bisexual. We are engaged and planning our life together to build our future together. We trust each other a lot and we are both open and honest with each other about all matters. We are both open to the idea of polyamory but until recently I have never really considered polyamory but I am very much open to it to it in order for myself and my partner to explore our sexuality with other people. I think we would learn more about ourselves and be able to make good memories by doing this.

For some reason I am more open to us both seeing same sex partners over seeing the opposite sex. I'm not completely closed off by it. I would be fine with my fiancee going on dates and sleeping with other men. But when it starts to become intimate and feelings develop I think I would be jealous. We are both very open with each other and we have spoken about this a lot and we know what situations would make the other feel uncomfortable.

I just have a few questions to those who are more experienced in this:

1) How do you deal with jealousy or your insecurities?

2)Do you set boundaries? or does that make it more confusing/difficult to follow?

3) We both have spoke and would eventually like to do this, is there a chance of almost feeling left out?

4) When you first began your poly experience, how did you approach it with others and each other? How did you originally feel?

5) How has it effected your relationship?

 

[Magdlyn]

First of all, my partner and I are in a straight relationship. However, we are both bisexual. We are engaged and planning our life together, to build our future together. We trust each other a lot and are open and honest with each other about all matters. We are both open to the idea of polyamory, but until recently I have never really considered polyamory. But I am very much open to it to it in order for myself and my partner to explore our sexuality with other people. I think we would learn more about ourselves and be able to make good memories by doing this.

For some reason, I am more open to us both seeing same sex partners over seeing the opposite sex. I'm not completely closed off by it. I would be fine with my fiancee going on dates and sleeping with other men. But when it starts to become intimate and feelings develop I think I would be jealous.

It seems to me that you are OK with polyamory (sex+love) with same sex relationships, male/male, female/female. But you feel that you'd get jealous and probably feel more competitive if your partner fell in love with a man.

Would she also feel jealous if you fell in love with another woman?

You could decide between yourselves that you will only date men and she will only date women. Then there will be no chance of falling in love with a member of the opposite sex.

If you decide you both WILL have sex with members of the opposite sex, there is still a good chance you both could fall in love despite not wanting to. After all, it's only natural to fall in love with someone whose company you enjoy enough to want to get naked with them!

Swingers deal with this problem by only swinging (having fun sex with no feelings allowed) with other coupled/married MF swingers who have all decided it's for fun only, friendship maybe, romance never. Everyone goes home with their spouse at the end of the night. (However, sometimes swingers do fall in love with their sex partner anyway, and have to deal with the fallout!)

We are both very open with each other and we have spoken about this a lot and we know what situations would make the other feel uncomfortable.

I just have a few questions to those who are more experienced in this:

1) How do you deal with jealousy or your insecurities?

If you want to be able to truly have the freedom to practice polyamory with either/any sex, you will have to overcome the built-in tendency to feel jealous. (In our monogamous culture, we have all been trained to equate love with sexual exclusivity and to think of jealousy as proof of love.)

After all, if your wife falls in love with another woman, believe it or not, you could get jealous of her female lover too! And don't imagine you should then just join in and do threesomes. That still doesn't guarantee a lack of jealousy. And there are other problems with sexual/romantic triads, which are covered in dozens of threads here.

2) Do you set boundaries, or does that make it more confusing/difficult to follow?

"Boundaries" are something for you to follow and enforce. "I will not do anal sex." "I will not have sex with your sister." "I do not want to meet your lover."

If you mean limits, such as not allowing your wife to have sex/fall in love with other men, that's not a boundary. It's rule for her to follow to prevent you feeling jealous (as you imagine). And yes, it does get confusing and difficult! You can't order your wife to feel or not feel things. And it's not fair to her or her male partner. If she has sex with him, but they fall in love, it would be extremely painful for both of them to break up just because they love each other!

3) We have spoken and would eventually like to do this. Is there a chance of almost feeling left out?

Yes. That can happen. There are ways to deal with this that you will have to learn. Feeling left out is "envy." "She's having fun without me!"

4) When you first began your poly experience, how did you approach it with others and each other? How did you originally feel?

5) How has it affected your relationship?

I recommend doing more research before you both start to look for other partners. Read around out board, and read the book Opening Up, for starters.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Everything @Magdlyn completely stands but there's another side of this that we don't often talk about and that's how the bisexual women often reinforce these heteronormative beliefs.

They do this by telling their partners that their attraction to women is inferior to their attraction to men and therefore the conclusion these same sex relationships mean less isn't entirely formed without inclusion from the woman.

I have had male partners assume that my same sex relationships are less significant in whatever sense, but it's me that corrects their assumption before we ever get to the stage where we're in a relationship. I tell them that there will be as intense feelings for women as there are for men (perhaps stronger if you really want to quantify).

There are women who openly admit (on dating profiles and the such) that their same sex attraction extends to no more than a sort of FWB situation. Whether or not this is just internalised homophobia is a different debate, but there does seem to be women who can give their male partners some assurance that a same sex relationship would stay within boundaries that a heterosexual relationship may not.

I know there are bi men like this too. But I think we sometimes give men a hard time for this idea when it could literally be their wife saying that a same sex relationship will indeed be lesser.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MG1998,
Here are some links to resources on how you can deal with jealousy or your insecurities:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

As for your questions:

• I have found (in the past) that when I felt jealous, it helped alleviate that when I spoke about my needs (rather than focusing on what I didn't like).
• I am in a closed MFM V. We mostly just have one rule, namely that we won't have sex with anyone outside our V unless we all like the new person and they become a part of our V (making it a Z or an N).
• Feeling left out is something than can and does happen, from time to time. Really, you just power through it. Finding fun things you can do on your own helps.
• We are not out to the world, we have not approached it with others. In the beginning, it took some getting used to, but we had the advantage that we were already friends (before the poly).
• I am not part of the original relationship, my partner and metamour are married to each other, and I am the "third" who was "added to their relationship." So poly has always been an integral part of my relationship with my (current) partner. It only affected our relationship in that my metamour was always in the picture, and we had to adjust to that. He had the bigger adjustment to make, since he was moving from a mono marriage to a poly one.

If you have any other questions for me, let me know.
Regards,
Kevin T.