Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

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Wow. Just wow.

Last night I fell in love with Trip.

Yesterday was originally Rockys date night but he cancelled last minute, so I asked Trip if he was free.

Rocky compromised and met me outside earlier for an hour. I think using my free time to meet Trip instead made Rocky value our date time more. I didn't schedule it for that reason but that is what he jokingly said to me, that he wouldn't miss another date by last minute rescheduling someone over me. I was glad I was able to express my anger in a healthy way towards him about him prioritising other people over me and he took the point on board and apologised. Plus it was a legit reason with his family.

Anyway, we met for smoothies and hung out laughing so.hard I cried.

Yesterday was all about my men cheering me up and.making me laugh.

I am doing my best not to feel guilt for my moments of happiness during my sadness. Yes it's a hard time for me and the girls. But it's also the.first time in my life I am authentically and unapologetically living my life in a way that for the most part brings happiness and peace to myself.

So, back to my main point. I know that I am now in love with Trip. I saw him twice in one day, but the date night last night allowed me to really see him and his guard dropped down. We spent till past midnight curled up at our now favourite spot. The gastro pub we have been to four times now I think. It's very close to our connecting trains so it's a perfect middle ground.


My worry about simultaneously being in love with two people is now something I can confidently say that I can and will continue to do.

The major thing that sticks out to me last night is how vulnerable we were with each other and our desire for peace and soulful connection in each others arms. Not to say we don't have excitement we do, but there's so much more here than just physical. That is amazingly beautiful.

 

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I have been re reading More than two.
In it, near the end, talks about courage, being vulnerable, the dark side of the sun moments, and also letting go of control...facing the uncertainty. Finding your own sense of self when all else could or does fail.

This happened to me, over the space of a year, I faced the potential of my ME to kill me, (September 2014). I do not say these things lightly or with any pretence. I was admitted in hospital for 9 days delirious on morphine with a servers infection and unknown problem with my liver. They never figured out what that liver problem is. I went in and out of consciousness that entire time. I had no one for my kids except ex husband I rightly did not trust. I faced the vulnerability of this illness and the impact it had on my parenting. During this time, my grandma who is like a second mother to me was struggling with cancer halfway around the world, and I could not go to her. I faced the loss of my children to their dad via social services, in November 2014.

I faced the uncertainty of losing Rocky over this illness and the loss of my kids, it was a bit like the poly situations described here...will I lose him too? Eventually I clung so hard and was so depressed he did break up with me in February 2015. That ended monogamy for me. I was in court again as you all know, but by this point I had faced my worst fears and overcome a large majority of them.

One of the worst ones, was if I had no family, or my illness meant I could not protect my kids, could I live with myself? Could I be ok?

The answer is and was yes. Yes I can.

When my stepdad got diagnosed with cancer as well in March 2015, I reached out to Rocky. I was vulnerable again. We discussed, we agreed to an open relationship. One where I no longer had him be my sole support network, but more than that, I didn't try to exert any control anymore over any situations with him, or at least, I requested things and understood if it was a no. I knew I would be ok with or without him.

During this time I threw myself in my business until April. I quit my art course, and then dated a lot. I wanted to have happy fun memories with no requirement on it going anywhere, I was upfront and authentically to all I interacted with.

I lost in court. Being courageous, being poly, being vulnerable does not at all guarantee a fair outcome or happy one like More than two states. I know this very well. But at least I know I did everything I could. I feel OK in me, I feel like I know self care now. I feel stronger, and on the matter of the cancer in family, both my grandma and dad are on the mend. My grandma is in remission as of January 2015. And my step dad will be retested in September. If I can I will go visit in October.

Around this time I also confronted the rejection of my own mother, about a month ago. But you know what, I forgave her, and I realised, I could handle it. I now have self love for myself. I have the love of Rocky. He has seen my growth and hard work, in body mind and actions. I eat very carefully every day, I exercise as often as I am physically able to, and I treat myself with kindness. I tell people about my ME straight away. And life is just amazingly good.

On the poly front,
Yesterday was date night with Rocky and me. He had an issue where he decided something in advance and not tell me again. It will take constant repitition of my boundary for him to get it, I do not believe in tit for tat or holding a grudge so I still said it was ok to come over. We got dressed up nice and had a picnic in the local village, then went back to mine and made amazing love. He pushed previous insecurities aside in himself, and it was amazing. We talked frankly about his emerging feelings of jealousy. I didn't tell him I am in love with Trip, I felt he needed a night all about us and him, I don't want to enter into comparison world, and I wanted him to feel special and happy all on his own.

He is loved deeply by me, with all my heart, and I have stood by him in many things and vice versa. He has been there for me in some of my worse moments in life, and we are so different from when we met each other just a year ago.

For myself I have lost 2.5 stone since meeting Rocky, and he has become buff and healthy. We encourage each other's best side. We really communicate openly and honestly and it's very beautiful. I really love that man, and yes my connection with Trip feels a bit overwhelming right now, but that doesn't lessen what I want feel and need from Rocky.

I know he can tell I am falling in love with Trip, it was the unsaid words between us, but for now, there is a time and place, and focusing solely on each other and our connection was not the time or place.

My connection with Trip is amazing still. We are meeting this weekend with his current long term partner. Not 100% confirmed, but most likely. Very nervous about this, but I know I can handle it.

We have definitely confirmed to go on our full day date. That is for later in the month, later updates on that. I am one happy woman.

 

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Well this weekend is busy! Today I am off to look at second hand bikes. I want to buy one for the summer months, and get healthier. I am also meeting Trip for lunch again. I can't wait. Hehe. Mm mm trip hugs

I am spending Friday night and Saturday night with Rocky. We're going for a walk,eating watermelon, and catching up on our favourite TV shows. Also great fun to be had as Rocky promised to eat watermelon off me lol.

I also spoke to Rocky in depth about coming out on vacation with me for my 30th. Previously he didn't want to go as he just bought a home, and all that entails. But now I think he may be reconsidering. He said something that was a little yellow flag indirectly regarding Trip about him going on vacation with me, and Rocky not wanting that. But I will have to clarify that with him later. I see no reason why I can't invite Trip along if Rocky doesn't want to go...or even if Rocky does, because I am out there long enough to entertain them both separately. Also Rocky wasn't thinking in terms of going with just me, he was seeing if he could fit in Visit with family as well. But this flies in the face of him saying he doesn't have enough money. He just wants a cover story so no one will know he's going with me I think is the real reason.

I see the girls Saturday. I think I will take them to the movies and park...or maybe to Lego Land again?

Also...

It's confirmed.
I meet Trips long term partner, and my first real metamour on Sunday. Eep!
Trip has asked to meet Rocky as well....hopefully for next week? Another eep!

I can stay calm and relaxed, I think.

I am also going back to a kinky party on Sunday evening, with Siren and meeting Irishcoffee there for a few minutes beforehand.

On Tuesday I have a poly meet and greet. That will be nice too! I think Rocky might be going to that but unsure, may be a lot ask, kinky night, meet trip, and poly meet all in one week lol.

I feel myself torn with Rocky lately. I love him with all my heart, and I know that the reason he is doing what he is doing is not to harm me, in fact his motives are ones of compassion for his family. So I find it difficult to fault him in that, but my boundary on this reoccurring issue of authenticity, that poly demands of me in my life, is clashing against his need to compartmentalise and hide. It's becoming a bit of a burden. Not to say we don't have lovely moments...we do, often! but I am weighed down by his inability to be authentic, and his need to control the situations in his life..even if the motives are pure. I also think it's affecting my ability to respect him, and myself. I want to him to consider me as an equal, and that's hard to do when I am being told conflicting messages. I am enough to see at my home or west London but not around people who I used to know with him. I am asked to sneak around...which I haven't and won't do. I am not on his list of callers as an actual name, just a number. I saw that one in passing and ground my teeth in annoyance. But kept silent.
I am not included in decisions of time and place we meet sometimes, and can be dropped for his best friend or family with out notice. Often he tells omissions of truth to family, and friends, to keep me a secret. This bugs me. A lot. I feel like I am not good enough for him to be a part of the rest of his world, and that makes me angry.

I see how brave I have been recently and I am not sure I can put up with his behaviour. I know he wants to change...but when? Where is the action plan? So far it's just promises, empty words that doesn't get actualised. The biggest slight recently is not being allowed to his new home, or to celebrate his new place, when he has a housewarming party. I need to understand what he is doing about my concerns if anything before I make any decisions.

 

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Rocky and I agreed to work on an action plan. We were going to implement yesterday in detail, but just as we went to go shopping, the back window In his BMW shattered. I could see the look of horror in his face, it's his baby. So I helped him clean up, seal it and tape it up so it could be sorted today. I handled the situation calmly and made jokes in order to lighten it up and cheer him up. He was so grateful and we went to Thai last night after our hard work.

But we did have a great heart to heart around needing to actually talk about the subject and he admitted he needs to work on his authenticity. So it was a real win. I felt really heard and validated that my feelings were real, and that he did indeed care about them. I explained how I understood his motives and where he was coming from but it was still a problem.

We also sat down and worked out a trip for the end of the month, for two days. Since we haven't been able to get a plan in place to fix the problem, we decided at the very least I needed to feel like I wasn't going to be abandoned, like an object, when he moves house. So we are headed to either Cornwall or lake district end of month.

Today I am too unwell to see girls and ended up going to out of hours doctor, they said something was going on with my liver or kidneys again, but I have no uti, so I need to get a scan next week with my GP.

Tomorrow is D day with new metamour. Wish me luck! I really like Trip a lot. When we had lunch yesterday I was pensive and worried and he just held me and said, I really like you and it will be ok. I think we're headed to Camden shopping district....should be good fun. I'm determined to get plenty of rest today, this illness thing kept me up all last night in hot and cold sweats. I swear it's all stress related or ME stuff. I don't know. I really hope it isn't kidney stones or liver problem.

 

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Happy Fourth of July!
I am taking some time to process this. It's amazing day.

I am writing again today because rocky and I are processing A Lot!

First there was me going to the doctors, sleeping for about 5 hours, while he fixed his car and did things around the house.

Afterwards I felt well enough to go out, so we went early evening to the nature reserve park. It was a gorgeous day, and we saw deer and celebrated Fourth of July there.

On the way back, Rocky told me he didn't see me ever being introduced to his family. I was so proud of him. I have known this for awhile, it was obvious in his behaviour, so, I wasn't worried. It's up to me to decide what do now. Besides I know things aren't inevitable, what he feels now could be different in six months. I was more concerned with him being truthful and direct in his communication so this was a huge breakthrough for him and me, and it made our life sooooooo much more peaceful. All my resentment faded because this was him DOING something about the problem, the problem of him being authentic and truthful which bothers me a hell of a lot more than meeting any of his family. His family was a symptom of the actual problem. The actual problem was I felt I couldn't trust him because he wasn't telling me his truth, now he is. Woo hoo!

I got to effictively practice my active listening skills by reframing the question back at him (mirroring) and we really connected.
Then we made love. Amazing, mind blowing.

We clarified so much, from issues around Trip, to his feelings about me, the truth came bubbling out and we figured out things he hadn't even figured out until that moment.

I feel so much better about our relationship now.

He even said he would come to both kinky night and poly meet, and meet up trip in a week or two. He also asked how I wanted to be referred to at the meetings. I told him girlfriend or partner is fine. seriously so much love for this man today. He's very awesome.
Edited to add brief synopsis of things discussed:

- He agreed to let his friend know he is seeing me, I said he could refer to me as a friend in that company, and let his friend work out the particulars himself. (Especially since I have a soon to be second partner, and Rocky could easily say in less-understanding company that I am a friend with the boyfriend Trip). I am not sure it's a good idea to encourage dishonesty after he's been so honest, but sometimes less is more, and I tend to over share. Plus as long as he's honest with himself and me, who he chooses to tell about us, and poly, etc, is his choice. I feel much more at peace on this subject.

- I found out the reason he doesn't want to say anything is because he is unsure 1) if we're back together long term (and by long term he means, living together marriage ladder route, we already established we will be friends for life even if we stop having sex), and 2) about how he feels about poly. This subject just needs time. A lot of it. I told him it took me ten years, I doubt it will take him that long. Lol.

- He agreed to let me come to his home to celebrate, even if private housewarming party. So I am allowed to his new home, I just assumed I wasn't. My bad. I apologised for assumptions made.

- Also we spoke briefly on how before we broke up that he wanted to marry me, and that's why he stressed out and broke up with me, (!!!???) because he didn't know how to communicate all the things he wanted in that. I told him I was really flattered and floored (!!) he was even considering that, since he knows my feelings on marriage, right now, are I am not ready at all. I don't know if I will be for awhile. This one was a big processing moment for me, as when he said he was trying to figure out how we would work out logistically, I had no idea that included marriage. I am still reeling from that one.

- So basically he needs more time to figure out what he wants and he definitely needs to date other women to figure it out. We agreed that when I go away, he can see, sleep with, date whomever he wants (and he's free to do that now but he said he isn't bothered when he has such a great person right here ) well he won brownie points for that one lol. But still he does need to spread his wings, and I need to back off...well I would rather the bird flew away and back all on its own, than to clip his wings and cage him. I know what I have to offer and the high standards he will be looking for, in communication, love, commitment, loyalty, sexual exploration/sex, etc.

More importantly I both know we'll both be ok and in each other's life regardless. But I do think we would find it hard not to get our freak on should he want to be just platonic friends. Lol. That would take some adjustment because he is very touchy feely lol. And we have amazing chemistry....

So yes, wow, a lot of processing!

 

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Another big processing day on Sunday.

I went out for around six hours with Trip and his partner, I will name her...Peti.

So,
We went to Camden market, we had lunch together, at first I was nervous. But then I quickly got over that.

There was truthfully not much that stuck out in my mind about her, I found her rather boring.

The things they did stick out, and I'll list them as facts on her behaviour that may or may not reflect her character. I don't know her well enough to say what her inside character is, however I do know that if I met her in a crowded room I wouldn't nessecarily gravitate towards her or have anything in common with her.

So facts:

She asked me one question the entire time out. She asked trip many questions, and talked loads about herself, but did not ask me any questions, except one when Trip went to the toilet and the question was a half hearted how long have you lived in London?

She complained most of the day, about everything.

Basically the entire day was me listening to her complaining, and watching Trip listen to her complain and try to appease her.

She was rude and dismissive to Trip most of the day.

Examples:

He pointed out bags she might like, she shot it down. (Around ten or 12 times)

She pointed out a shirt he might like , that looked fantastic on him, and she said he looked fat in it (!!) even the lady who sold the items (owned the place) said it looked great on him.

When I showed her pictures of my girls and boyfriend, she not only didn't acknowledge it, she turned away and started a new topic with Trip like I hadn't even said anything.

She expected him to give her 100% attention, and showed this by pulling him away from me when he reached out to hold my hand., stepping between us when he would walk up to me, standing on the top escalator and saying loudly how much taller she was than me now, and how she could kiss Trip I couldn't.

She actually threw a tantrum like a three year old at one point, stamping her feet and shaking her fists as if this would amuse Trip. I was kind of like...what the fuck?

End of list for now...might add more later.

It was very silly, and very childish. I had a huge headache by the end of the day and I had only met her once. Ugh.

For myself, I am very patient and observant, I have years of dealing with people and politics, and strong personalities. I respect and like myself, and am generally respected and liked by most people in my community as well as clients work people, neighbours. I know my neighbours names and am invited to parties and outings. I enjoy being a sane stable human being.

Also her style of poly is hypocritical. She is not ok with me having sex with Trip, he put a mark in my shoulder with his teeth which was visible yesterday and I made an offhand flirty comment. It was the only real faux paux I made that day. I was intentionally deliberate and careful with all the things I said, as well as polite and cordial. I felt a little bad afterwards. I didn't feel first time meeting was the place for me to openly say, hey I think you're super selfish, rude, childish and only talk about yourself. Lol.

Anyway the rest of my day was lovely, but I wish I had had at least ten minutes of alone time with Trip. I was not jealous of Petit at all, and had no problem with them kissing, hugging, inside jokes etc. that's fine and I expected it, but I am not dating them, I am dating trip and I prefer not to be involved with her. Guess not my cuppa tea for triad, if that's what they want it's not happening with me. I would prefer a v with two men for me I think. They don't nessecarily have to live with me or be involved with each other either.

After r leaving around 430, I headed to the kinky party.

I met up with Irishcoffee and his metamour spontaneously. I didn't know they were attending, but I drifted away because after dealing all day with being a third wheel in established couple land I didn't want to do that again with Irishcoffee lol.

So, I found an Australian guy named Mike who sat with me. We got on like a house on fire and I also met an Italian man named Kore.
It was really strange, all evening Kore tried to flirt with both me and Mike, (but mostly Mike).
while I flirted mostly Kore,
and Mike flirted with me.
Lol triangular attraction...could make a fun threesome??

Unfortunately Mike is off to Berlin (moving) today, but we exchanged emails, and phone information and I'm seriously considering hoping a plane to visit some time! He extended the offer for the future haha. I know I'm crazy. I feel like I'm living up my last of my 20s like I am 18 and carefree. I am a really good judge of character and genuine people though (years of crazy people can teach you cautionary tales!) and I knew Mike was totally genuine in his offer.

Kore added me on fetlife and invited me to a rope private party he knew Irishcoffee loosely and we had fun bantering when he loosened up. i was trying to give him tips on flirting with guys

Anyway, then I did some play, I did rope play, and make up with Irishcoffee. At this point my friend Siren turned up and we hung out and caught up. And then Rocky showed up ! So it was awesome. Irishcoffee and I kissed playfully because we decided it's a role reversal between us, he's my girlfriend as I am totally into him when he's in a dress, lol. I don't know why. I just roll with it. It amuses Rocky, who loves how zany and free I am.

Interestingly I asked Rocky while drunk if he wanted to do a hand fasting ceremony. Lol. He asked what it was, I said it was like a marriage commitment but with out the legal stuff. That in case he decided he was monogamous, and had only one slot open legally married, that he should leave it open for someone who 100% would want a child with him. We talked very frankly about him being in a relationship with me and someone else if he is poly too, and having the child with someone else. But it would be ver y hard for him to find a woman if he is married to me. I love him enough to know that, and to be very aware I don't want to tie him down and leave him optionless. I have the obligation as the more experienced one in dating to keep those boundaries. So yes, it was all talk, but definitely the highlight of my day. I talked about poly for 5 years..ten before successfully doing it.

On my way home, I literally put out a forest fire. Some one had started one in the forest area across from my house, so I had to call up fire rescue at 130 am drunk. The people on the other end were more concerned about me than the fire, saying, go home and be careful, out alone at night and someone starting a fire...and me obviously drunk...not a good idea! Thankfully I was fine, and so is the forest. I went and checked this morning. And only a two foot scorched area. So glad I caught that last night!

My life is never boring that's for sure.

Trip and I are going away for a whole day date on Friday the 10th to a beachside village.i asked him if he had discussed sexual boundaries with his partner about me, and he hadn't. I have the full green light and blessing from Rocky. Trip couldn't answer my basic questions of, what about oral, necking, petting, clothes in clothes off, talking about sex, texting sexy stuff...what is considered sex to her and what is she comfortable with?

It's so freaking hypocritical though as she is going on a date with a Greek man this week, and has a long term female partner she does everything with.

 

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My days are very full and busy at the moment.

Monday was shopping, cleaning, errands. Then I had Pilates in the evening, had dinner with Lily.

I adore her, she's such a cool friend, I was totally wrong, she still very much wants to be friends, and leaving the door open to more down the road. She just wants some time with just the person she is with right now. That's cool with me . I am glad I was wrong. And I am glad we're still friends. She also said I have lost weight since she saw me last month...woo hoo definitely official that's three people in one week commenting on my continued weight loss.

I also bought my first pair of size 12 jeans and leggings since I was 17/18. Freaking yay!!

So I had fasted most of the day, and ate a large dinner of pizza and salad and a chocolate cake, yum yum yum! We had a good time chatting and went to a park to sit, and take a walk after dinner. I am sure we'll meet up soon again.

My stomach muscles are very sore today from Pilates, it was all core work and hip flexors muscles. Owie. I know I'll be flat out tomorrow. That tends to happen with my ME, when I push my muscles the next day I get completely brain fog and exhausted.

So then I met up with Irishcoffee at my home at ten pm, he came over and we chilled out. He had a death in the family and is really upset by it, so I just wanted to distract him. We played with rope, I learned some basic knot tying. Then we had sexy sexy fun times, meh i have stopped worrying what Irishcoffee is to me. We are primarily friends, there isn't love or romantic feelings there. But we have great physical connection and my god...he is good at oral. He told me he learned from a lesbian woman. Haha that explains a lot. Mmm.
So yes I have a very large libido compared to the men in my life...so I am lining up about four guys sexually, and that should work. lol

I love it. I am embracing my sexy sexy self.

Rocky has been emailing me all day yesterday because he still doesn't have a new phone. He said he missed talking to me and receiving my love notes in text. I usually send him little notes, we have phrases and things that are personal between us...for example one is SHMILY...I may leave that around the house or in his bag or end of text message...and it means: see how much I love you. It's a reminder that all the little things are love, not just grand gestures, but the every day small things that we do for one another.

So anyway, now Irishcoffee is upstairs asleep, maybe more sexy fun times today

Tonight is the poly drinks/meet. I am meeting Rocky there between 7-730. If I can I am going to get Trip to come up, and see me beforehand. I miss him and his hugs and kisses. He's so sweet. And I want to reconnect after the day out, I feel a bit of a surreal disconnect after seeing him the way Peti sees him because I see him so differently.

For example, Peti said that Trip would never dance with her, and doesn't chill out at all ever. I told him, I didn't know what she means, because that's the only Trip I know. Literally, we just chill and enjoy each other. He curls up with me and we cuddle most of the time, I get this strong sense he is getting something from me he has never had before, and that is nonjudgemental total acceptance of who he is. I have lived with emotional blackmailers and indirect communicators, that's why I take very strong stance against Peti and why she rubs me the wrong way. And I am not one of those people who think this type of thing only happens to women, I totally have met men who have been abused by partners. It's not cool to ever treat someone like shit in that way, and I am against all asshats, regardless of what they got between their legs. Lol.

NVC by Marshall Rosenberg, is my choice of living communicating style.

Anyway, I am getting off my soap box. I just...ergh...I really really didn't like seeing him treated that way. It was very upsetting for me. I definitely couldn't deal with seeing that on a regular basis. And if that's her on her best foot foreword, what the fuck is her worst????

So anyway, hopefully he comes out tonight. And if he does woo hoo! and then I will be heading with Rocky, back to his, where I will spend the night, then maybe go home on Thursday. i have a few meetings to go to this week for stuffs. So Thursday will be for that, and then Friday is the day date! yay!

 

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Well,
I have wanted to update for a few days now. However I was doing a lot of processing. How do I see myself doing poly? how many relationships can I hold? What do I want with my life in general...education...work...etc?

The girls are moving to west city this summer. Very sad but nessecary for them. I won't be moving there. As much as I want to, I am nesting for the first time in my life, and I don't want to uproot to a new city. I am in fact moving soon, but I don't want to move to West City with them as it has a lot of negative past memories for me, and wouldn't do me any good being around ex or exes family, as well as being isolated from my friends and connections I have built here for three years.

So, yeah anyway synopsis of what I am doing right now in my life...
I went up to London to stay at Rockys last week for a few days. I left Friday morning. We had an ok time, he was sick a bit, so I took care of him, we went out to dinner which was sweet and endearing, we had an amazing session of love making, but I have been a bit off since Friday. I think I am PMSing. Not sure. It's either that or the reality of this whole situation with kids is finally hitting me, and I am just, ugh, not 100% and that's ok.
On Friday, I left at 630 am to meet Trip in his hometown, and we went on a further 2 hour journey to the beach.

The city was nice, but a bit run down, and first thing we saw was a man wanking in a park on our way to the sea side, this I tried not to let put a damper on my day...but UGH.


It was gorgeous (not the wanking obviously lol) and sunny and we laid on the beach for quite a few hours. We went to look at antiques, we had lunch and snacks. We talked about quite a few different topics. It was peaceful and relaxing. The part I enjoyed best was playing air hockey and racing at an arcade.
After we got back we went to a place to eat at my local village, where I know the owners. I am sure they are gossiping about me haha, because the owners had seen me with rocky less than a week ago and with trip this time, and they know me fairly well. Being poly can be fun
Anyway, then he came back to my home, where we sat on the couch and talked. It was hard letting him be at my home because I wasn't sure I wanted to be that vulnerable right now as my home is very sparse right now, and devoid of my family homey feel. Basically I was single, working from home, mother...to a single...who the fuck am I, woman, with out my kids...and my kids are the heart of my home and I am wondering who I am with out them, where my style is, my heart anymore...it's very vulnerable thing to share with someone else.
Also I can't afford to reinvent myself right now, because I choose going out and having fun, and travel, over redecorating . I wish I could afford both!
So I ended up a puddle of tears where Trip just held me, and said thank you for sharing and that he wasn't going anywhere. We did some soulful eye things, why we just looked at each other for long periods of time, it was quite moving for me.

Then on Saturday I had a lovely day with my kids, we went to a park and had a picnic, we played board games and puzzles and watched a show. Very relaxing lots of fun, and I made them super healthy lunch. I love cooking for them and doing things for them. I miss it too. I miss being a full time mother. And it will get better eventually.

Then today was super relaxed, I slept most the day recovering from the past two days. I am grateful I can rest and recover.

There is much to be figured out with my life, but I am doing it one day at a time.

 

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New information I need to jot down before I forget.

trip has been in relationship with Peti for almost a decade. During this time, Peti has had female relationships but no men as far as I know.

Trip has not had any relationships during the time that they have lived together almost a decade. They were practicing poly actively, when she was a LDR with him, before they were living together.

Peti has been in a FWB female relationship with a woman named X for this blog post. X and her apparently are more friends, than benefits, and have not benefitted in at least six months.

I am struggling to see how this is active poly. I went into dating trip with the incorrect assumption that he had actively practiced poly skills in the last 8 years since they both identified that way, and Peti has been seeing a woman as well. I guess that's subject to opinion on what is active poly.

Right now, Trip and I are basically pandering to the needs of Peti, and agreeing not to have sex because she won't let him.
I asked what we could and couldn't do. He didn't have an answer. I asked if there is a time limit on this sex restriction? He said he didn't know.

I asked why she wants to meet me, trip said pet is answer was so he trusts him more, and me with him more...????? this confused me and I need clarification. How will meeting me help with the first part?? Either she trusts him to choose sane partners or not, nothing to do with me.

And as far as trusting me? well, again that's on her, but I get how meeting me a few more times would maybe help with that. But don't see why it's nessecary for her to trust me, for him to have sex with me. I don't ask rocky or irishcoffee or anyone else if I need to trust them, or trust their metamours first??

What is this, a sexual interview? lol.

 

[starlight1]

This week is a quiet one. I cleared my calendar to give myself time to grieve. I was going to go on date with trip Monday, but I cancelled. I also cancelled my art meetings and art groups, I cancelled my friends this week, as well as Pilates group. I have been doing thenpilates at home and taking long walks in the heath.

Sometimes, you just need you time, and right now I need a lot of it, as it was getting messy and complex with trip, and I needed some time out to think about my girls, my new reality with out them.

I kept plans with B a long time friend who has been there for me and the girls a number of times. I have sobbed in her arms more than once, but this time we just were in the moment enjoying each other's company. She is like extended family to me. I am really grateful for her in my life.

Tomorrow rocky is coming over. I think he'll understand and appreciate why it's only him and B this week, as they are my closest confidants. I seriously just want to fall in Rockys arms and be held. I miss him this week since he still doesn't have a new phone, and it would be so nice to talk.

I took a long walk back from Bs today, it was really nice. I adore walking, and nature, and just being quietly contemplative.

Not a lot else to update on poly front, I am full steam ahead next week, but this week is quiet and I am enjoying being in my own home, my own bed, my house clean now...just things like that. It's comforting, slowly slowly, I am reacclimatising.

 

[starlight1]

I was an emotional wreck this week, as I finished the arduous task of clearing up and packing for my move in September. Mainly all my girls things. This was incredibly hard and it was on the first night Rocky spent over at mine. So I tried to get the crying out of the way, before he got there, but it was impossible for me. I was so fragile that day.

I am not 100% sure I am moving since it is down to the council with my housing needs. I need to contact them next week about this issue.

I am doing better now, and the weather has been gorgeous, but I have been sleeping a lot. I don't know if the stress of court, and the past four years is finally healing, or adjusting to my new medication, or what, but I have been super tired. Sleeping 3/4th the day and all night long. Very strange for me, even with my ME. It doesn't feel like an ME relapse that I have had in the past though. There is no pain, and I don't feel like I Have to sleep, I just feel,like I need to, to get better. Like I am healing. Where as before I didn't have the choice on sleep, I had to sleep or I would feint and my body would force me to sleep. And they were usually accompanied by pain all over my body, including intense migraines. I am not having any of that this time around, just a general, lazy fatigue of having nothing to do other than clean, and no demands on my time or energy, no work, no projects, no friends or social events scheduled, so just meditating, sleeping, healing. It's been rather cathartic, and it was the first time I have cried properly (without anyone present) since court about the girls. I really needed to do that.

I also cleaned my house top to bottom. Cupboards in the kitchen, laundry, sweeping, mopping, cobwebs, windows, dusting, hoovering...
I have made healthy meals all week. I am interested in cooking again, which is positive. And I've taken a lot of long walks, in nature. I have written a lot in personal journal.

Rocky has started calling me his girlfriend. I am pleased. We had a small disagreement on scheduling again. He finds it difficult to give me a straight answer on when he is going to meet me, time and place...etc. he is usually late for things, and changes plans last minute. This is great when I don't have plans that get disrupted. I know this will be a problem when I start work and school. So when he gets his new phone we are using google calendar.

He said he felt pressured to say yes on spending more time together. I told him the pressure is inside him, what he perceives from me and not actually coming from me. I make very little demands on his time or energy. I give him different open ended choices...my issue is not with him spending more time with me but clearly scheduling the time he does give.

He also gets frustrated when I don't open up more, like with my emotions, stating he can handle it from me. But after depending on him too much with my health in the past and pushing him away, I have been super careful of coming across needy, or putting any demands on him. I have a lot of guilt surrounding my illness, and how it has impacted on those I love right now.

We are still continuously reassessing things, and after our resolution we made love. Every time we recommit, we get closer, and it gets more intense for us physically.

I also reminded him it's his right and responbiltiy to tell me no if he doesn't want something. It's my responsibility to deal with how I feel about being told no, not his. I am not going to shout at him, and even if I am angry, I won't stay that way forever, it's important he can say no, and feel comfortable asserting his own space and time. I reminded him another time he told me no and I didn't get angry, and he said true, and he will keep telling me his truth instead of waffling. Lol. I can understand why he's worried though because in the past I put my rejection feelings on him. That was wrong.

Tonight is a Skype session with Trip, this is the second this week, I am not sure I have a lot to say as I haven't been up to much, but I am glad I am talking to him anyway. I could go out to a pub or bar or something on my own, but I am not quite ready to venture out into the world yet, this is a nice ending to my mental health week. I feel like I took a vacation even though I stayed in my own home, and I feel super proud of myself that I faced the emotions of this home, and my health and all that has happened head on. I wasn't always strong enough in the past to do this, but I think I am now.

It still hurts, a lot, but each day it gets easier to bear.

 

[starlight1]

Tonight I spoke to trip...
Mm is all I have to say. So many warm fuzzy feelings going on.

I get it he's dealing with stuff with Peti and wants us to get along...but it can't be forced. Keeping separate works for me.

I really enjoy talking to him, little bit by little bit he opens up more and more...so nice.

I put him in a box in my head, with big walls, then it all tumbles out when I speak to him, and it's like all that reservation dissapears. I feel so safe when I look in his eyes. I also feel so exposed like he sees in my soul. It's very difficult to explain in words.

I learned more about him and his life, what he likes how he thinks etc. As we spoke, we recognised the vulnerability and depth of connection on a soul level. We just grok each other a lot. I keep putting on the breaks when not around him, then find them completely broken when around him because I want to hold him. I want to cherish him, I want to be held...there's something...something neither of us can explain. That isn't just mental or physical. It's fucking with my logical list building self. And although I easily accept my connection with rocky, this one feels riskier for me, and also less clear as what I want with him other than hold each other. We want that.

In reality it isn't much different time wise than Rocky. I will see Rocky once or twice a week once he moves house. That's how often I will see trip too. So, why couldn't I wait to be Rocky's GF, and in my mind worried about being Trip's GF? We are both being so careful right now...

 

[starlight1]

Hmm,
Leo contacted me tonight. I know he is emotionally and physically connected to me strongly, and I was willing to give him a lot of chances, on scheduling...but he again hasn't confirmed a day. We had a good phone chat, but he asked if I was willing to Skype sexy chat tonight and I said no. We haven't seen each other in person intimately yet, and I am staunchly against online sexy times, after court for kids, I want no videos of anything like that ever...

He also wanted to read my blog. But he hasn't earned that trust yet. Not to say there is anything bad, it is the truth, he does flake on scheduling me. But for some reason I got enthusiastic about seeing him, instead of explaining that I think I don't want sex. And truthfully I don't know where I stand with him. I understand and commiserate on how hard doing a PhD is. I get it, being stressed, having no time to yourself, all work no play. But that doesn't mean he can't schedule once a month. Come down, have sexy fun times, then go home. No problem, it just seems our schedules never match up. And when they do, he waffles.

Ironically, both trip and Leo are from the same neck of woods, by only twenty minutes or so, however this doesn't stop trip from seeing me, and same with rocky. So I don't buy into excuses of too busy or too much travel.

So, yup, he won't be reading my blog. He hasn't earned that trust.

If he actually schedules for the 1st, great. If not, then I won't be rescheduling with him, I'll calmly explain that my life is very poly saturated, but also, that I have to schedule things carefully, and I have told him this a number of times and he hasn't gotten on board. So his loss.

Today I got in touch with Ria, we are meeting Thursday or Friday for lunch woo hoo finally!! This week is going to be crazy busy.

Off to church tomorrow with my friend T, she's a neighbour and I like keep in touch with her. Also, seeing rocky and trip Monday, and my first poly couples dinner night with new people form meetup. Yay. Then, trip date night Thursday..so very fun.

I also decided on my education course. This year I will start with open university, then move into access to university science by September 2016. So, this year I will tie up a lot of financial loose ends...new passports, my UK citizenship, moving house, being abroad for a bit...etc. the open university courses I need will be free to start with as I will do modules in math and science to start, to get my basics underway. I am also going to test for dyscalcula...that I have to pay for privately and will help me when I go into my access course.

All this prep work will help me build up discipline to then do the access to uni course, and I need more time working on health and Pilates this year, I want to make sure my ME is relatively stable first.

 

[starlight1]

I need to write this monumentally awesome night last night before I forget all the details.

Last night I organised the first meet up of Rocky and Trip.

Yesterday had started as a bad day for me for various reasons. I tried to do a nude photo shoot but my time of the month started, and I was all sorts of nervous about that night. The nude photo shoot is of my bottom, for an artist exhibit on the beauty of all women's bottoms. Kinda cool, and not really identifying. I thought I'd participate as the artist is local poly, and I like his message, and I have done nude modelling before for visual artists(non photography) my only stipulation usually is not to photograph my face.

I know that flies in the face of the last post about photography. But there's a huge difference between a contractual artist agreement to get photography done and a man wanting to Skype sexy times...lol.

So the agreement between me and the artist is that when he's done, he will give me copies of the photos, and I am specifically looking foreword to the bum one because I want to give one to Rocky for his birthday in December. Or sooner as a housewarming gift.

I also had to sort financial stuff out yesterday which is never fun or interesting. Yesterday's was particularly not fun.
Ok so on to the fun bits!

We met up in central, Rocky and I around 620, so we had forty minutes until Trip got there, so we hung out had a coffee and cuddled and kissed. I wanted to see him first because I knew that both of them are so unflappable on the outside, but that doesn't mean that they aren't worried inside. I know Rocky particularly well this way. So it was nice to hug him and give him some special attention. He was feeling a bit like he had a cold, so was a bit sniffly and worried about that.

Then, when trip showed up we all hung out. I immediately took them to an activity I had planned. We went to a meetup group that is for board games. They have heaps of these around the city, and it was an awesome ice breaker. It was a predominately male place, with lots of cool games. Some were working together games and some were working against each other.

We played "wolverine one night", "Good cops bad cops", "cobra", and "fireworks".

Most of the games were short card games, or tile games, or mystery guess games. We met some interesting people. I am not sure what they thought of me, I openly flirted and kissed and cuddled both of the guys.

The nice thing about organising this sort of thing, and the guys had never been to anything like this and hadn't played hardly any games like this before and it was fun to get to know each other's personalities and strengths and weaknesses.
We quickly found out that Rocky was very good at a poker face, and hiding things. Very intelligent, don't underestimate him with his good looking face and sweet mannerisms.

Trip was good at analysing situations and understanding the games premise quickly. He was very good at card games.

I am slower at processing things at first, and ask a lot of questions...but I think of outside of the box solutions and have a good knack at being right with hunches/gut instinct that can usually win me a second place ending score in most competitive games.

We ate dinner while at the board games evening and stayed there from 7:30 -11:00 when the pub kicked us out. We were one of the last groups of people hehe.

Then we wandered down the waterfront, looking at iconic London places, while wandering to a local eclectic pub that Trip and I had been to numerous times and I have mentioned here. The guys got in like a house in fire, they had similar music tastes, and talked easily. They really opened up at the end, making jokes and teasing me. Rocky sat opposite me and Trip next to me, there was lots of touchy feely going on.

At one point Trip shared how we had met, which I had told Rocky about, but it was nice to hear it and say it together. Because when I met him at the poly meetup I had asked a whole group of guys to let me have 15 minutes to talk to Trip lol. And trip turns to Rocky in the retelling going, "and 'Starlight1' had some cahones on her! " lol that nearly made me spit my drink everywhere. I like his view of me.

But over all a really cool night, they shared stories about me, and I still have to check in with Rocky to see how he felt, but we all left the pub and went to Train station afterwards. Many times I tuned out and watched people while they got on like a house on fire. At one point they asked what I was doing the rest of the week and teased about me having all these dates lined up, and that they were just one of many and should they start a group. I think they will be relieved to know I don't plan on dating anymore men seriously. Lol. But for now let them squirm, silly guys teasing me like that lol. It was really good fun.

The entire time we were walking around outside I felt so awesome putting my hands in both guys hands, and at one point I looked down and saw our shadows all linked together and had a squee happy moment. It was so nice. I felt so happy I had introduced them.

We were all taking different transport so we all converged at the station to part ways. Rocky gave me a sweet goodbye hug and kiss, and then I spent a few minutes alone with Trip.

I couldn't think of a better way to start and end my evening, than one on one time with both.

Trip and I shared a very hot moment on the escalator, kissing, then again before his train went, we had about 20 minutes until it left, so we held and snuggled and kissed. We hadn't seen each other in person for over a week and we really needed to physically reconnect. We are very tactile that way.

I was going to go home, but decided to head to Rocky's place, because it was relatively closer, and one night bus home.

So while on the way home Trip and I texted back and forth. I knew Rocky and I wouldn't because he didn't have his phone charged, and I brought the wrong extension cord with power pack to charge it. Oh well, live and learn. Trip and I had some very intimate moments and it was very very nice. I really enjoy getting to know him, he's intellectual interesting, multifaceted, and incredibly smart. I adore his brain. Actually I adore a lot of things about him.

I wanted to tell him I love him, but I held back. I have a strong feeling he will say this on Thursday, because he said he had important things to tell me then. I thought he just meant stuff about Peti, but now I am thinking it's about his feelings for me. I am nervous but excited to see him then!

 

[starlight1]

I am so hungover today. But it's totally worth it!!

Yesterday, I woke up at Rockys alternate living space, and got ready to go out, I spent the afternoon/evening at a park in London watching people, and clouds and enjoying the sunshine and open air, listening to music etc.

Before I left a I helped get Rockys place sorted for moving, tidied it up for him, organised things in boxes, cleaned out his kitchen cubbards, took some of my stuff home etc. I thought he might appreciate the help as he's only there for one more week.

Then I met up with him at 745 near the friends house. I am not sure what to name them, so for now they will be M (male)and F (female).

When we met up and bought a bottle of wine, and walked down to theirs the back way. The google maps redirected us through a nature park in the middle of residential area, that felt like we weren't in the middle of the city anymore, but we were. It was beautiful and quiet and we really enjoyed that walk.

When we got to M and Fs house, they had made us gorgeous healthy food, and we all started to get to know each other. We spent ages talking. It was soooooo much fun. We moved to the couch after dinner. I tried to pimp Rocky out to F, just because he had misunderstood a comment by F at the meet up thinking she wanted to make out with him haha. We all had a really great time though, and we stayed up till almost 2 am all of us conversing. We had a lot in common. M was way chatty, so was F, and even Rocky opened up all about his past and family. We all just really bonded as friends and it was seriously awesome.

F and I have agreed to go out for drinks and dancing and I am so glad to make a female friend. We spoke about theology, magical thinking, critical thinking, books we read. Their place was like walking into a set on "friends". There was floor to ceiling walls of books, but with modern cubical bookshelves of varying sizes. Their living room and kitchen were open planned but they had inerse ted it with the same design mod book shelves, and it was so warm and welcoming! Seriously impressive home. I was like, omg I want this home. Lol.

So I have a feeling we're all definitely going to be hanging out again, was such a good night and I am so glad I have met them. No matter what happens with me and rocky from this point on I know we will be mutually friend bonded for life.

I got completely drunk by the way, and rocky forgot his keys, so he asked to crash at mine. I said sure, And we went back to mine by bus, I fell a sleep in the way on his lap. He sat there rubbing my head and stroking my hair. This man really loves me, he really does, and he goes above and beyond to make sure I am loved. I just wish he wasn't in a personal crisis of culture family and lived experiences. He said this was one of the best nights he's had in a long time, besides yesterday and he wouldn't trade these memories for the world. That he loves my adventurous side and coming along to social things and trying new things.

So all is well that ends well. Neither of us were feeling 100% though as he has a nasty cold, and I have period plus the beginning of same cold.

He left around 830 this morning as he had to sort out stuff for his new place.
I hope he's ok.

As for myself tonight is girls Skype night. I spoke to F on the phone, and I am cleaning house, having dinner, etc. I sorted out my financial problem and saw my friend B who is a near and dear friend I mentioned earlier. We went out today and ran some errands. I also did my physical activity of walking and Pilates.

Life is good. I will update tomorrow or the day after about meeting up with Ria, and seeing Trip tomorrow evening. I also want to try to fit in seeing Irishcoffee tomorrow too.
Edited to add I am meeting with Irishcoffee tomorrow afternoon at the park to hang out before his meetings. Very cool, going to be a social day I think I am turning into an extrovert.

 

[starlight1]

Weekend update

Well! This last week was so fun.

So picking up where my last post left off.
I skyped with girls which is great they are busy with various family fun activities and told me in great detail about that. I am not seeing them the next two weekends and instead on Monday or Tuesday because of the SS summer scheduling planning. I will be complaining if they don't come through as they haven't confirmed. I swear she jerks me around and I will be lodging a formal complaint.

Anyway, then, Thursday:

I went out with Ria for coffee and lunch, then met up with Irishcoffee, in the afternoon. That was really fun, the sun was shining. We talked about loads of stuff and all hung out until 530 pm. Then. I went straight from there to see Trip. Ah he wore his purple suit, and he looked so nice. It was gorgeous. I adore kissing him and holding him, and talking about everything under the sun. It would have been nicer if we were at my place because we both wanted to snuggle a lot, but it was what it was. He and I haven't progressed to overnight stay with or without sex. Although he did get the green light from partner, but he said he hadn't properly talked through it with her, and so I think she is not OK yet as she says she is, I agreed with him that we should wait and see if her answer is still the same a few weeks from now to make sure.

We went walking around central, we went to American diner joint with gluten free burgers, I was in heaven. Seriously good food! Then we went on a carousel that night and was so fun. Trip took a picture of me, and that was cute. I really like him a lot. After that we went to a secluded bar with a couch and sat and cuddled talking about various things. We got on the subject of poetry, and he read sock in fox to me, which was cute and adorable, and he's quite good at it.

I emailed him the next day about the new Dr. Seuss book uncovered: what pet should I get?

We have been writing emails to each other, and poetry, and this has brought up a lot of conversations. I am very calm and sure about Trip. I feel clarity and clear communication a long with mutual respect and similar intelligence. I enjoy him in the simple moments, but also in the intellectual conversations. He also has a killer sense of humour that comes out with impeccable dry timing.

We talked politics as he wants to run as a poly politician. A poly-tician?

Over all an amazing night. I went home, feeling on cloud nine. I had an intense dream about him that night to Friday morning. I woke up hearing him call my name in the dream, and it was so real that I was disorientated and had to figure out I wasn't asleep and Trip wasn't there. Lol..I really want to get to know him more in every way possible.

Then Friday I caught up on house work, laundry etc.etc. I also spoke to Honour my aunt as I very soon go out to see her on September 15. I also had an intense conversation with my mother as she was guilt tripping me I wasn't going out to see her, I said, look I am coming half way around the world and she could met me part of the way. It's not like she won't be in the area either as she is heading to a work conference not too far away, she could easily stay here a week or so before and catch up. And besides she's never been out to see me. If she was that upset over me not seeing her she could make the effort once in 9 years.

So yes I dealt with her like a pro, aiming for apathy instead of anger at her baiting. There were other words exchanged and I realised I needed to start doing the adult thing with her and stop telling her about my life except in the most superficial way possible. It's not nessecary for her to know and causes me unnessecary grief.

Anyway, Friday night I had Rocky over to my house. We watched TV, he wanted to make love and I was angry and agitated about his move and being excluded as a factor in his life. So we talked about this, and I questioned him a lot on an lot of things. I started to dig deep in what is really bothering me. And what needs are not being met for me in this relationship. We agreed to talk in one week time to decide if we're going to continue this relationship or not, or how to make it something else, like friends only, etc.
However the problem with us, is we say these things to deal with, then we never making an action plan that's stuck to. This will be different this time. This time an action plan is being implemented, and then if not followed through I will end the relationship or migrate it to friends only.

So, then he stayed till Saturday morning, then went off to sort things out.

I asked myself some really hard questions on what I need with him to feel OK in the relationship, and to respect myself. These aren't wants they are basic needs.

1)" need to let his family, know he is dating someone". This is not not him meeting me, or combining family events and all that. This is simply him saying, stop pushing family on me, I am seeing someone and I am happy.
2) allow me to come to his new home/ introduce me to his sister. These are the same point because he is now living with his sister in a bought home for the next ten years at least. So I will not be demoted from coming and going at his to now never being allowed over. I also have now been dating him almost 1 year 6 months. There's no reason to not be able to come over to his place, and it shows a level of maturity to have that sort of adult conversation with his sister where he goes; I am seeing someone, and she will come over sometime and it is an adult relationship. That doesn't mean I am going to throw myself on Rocky while in his new place, I can be discreet and respectful, but at the same time he's going to be living there and he has the right to be an adult. So does his sister.

3) let the best friend who lives upstairs know he is seeing me. They are childhood friends, and we have been in social situations together. I went to his best friends wedding, and I was Facebook friends with them etc. I basically want social acknowledgement so it doesn't blow up in his face when his friend does find out. Also if his friends opinion is going to be the deciding factor in this relationship then I don't want the relationship.

Basically it boils down to if Anyone is going to influence how we do our relationship, and he won't stand up for me, and own his own choices in life, then he is NOT respecting himself, or me, and I cannot respect him, because I own my shit as an adult, the good the bad the ugly.

I own, that I chose him thinking he was able to own his stuff. But now that I am no sure if he will then this needs to be addressed. I will not date boys, I want to date men.

And more importantly, these words need to be followed through with actions. Actions are what sets men apart from boys. Boys will say good talk and not walk it. Men will act.

And my timeline for the action nessecary for these needs to be met is before I leave to go to vacation. I will be gone a long time, so if he cannot follow through then I want to be able to start the separation process properly.

These were issues before I got involved with anyone else. And they will continue to be issues because they are basic respect things for me, I get not everyone else may need these things, but I do. So, yeah after he left on Saturday I went to a board games thing in Central. After that I went up to see Irishcoffee, he helped me work on my basic needs as he has a "user manual" for relationships which he showed me. Very good points!

So he helped me hash out these ideas on what to me means respect and what I need as a basic minimum in my life. We played music, had kinky sexy fun times, talked about our various life things, and snuggled, and watched house of cards. Good times! we made pizza bread, and generally had a good time. I totally go off my lifestyle choices around him. Lol. I spoke how he's sort of like a family member. We preserve our friendship first, and sexy times is added bonus. We have really frank discussions like that that make life easier. I like what we have its easy and uncomplicated. We're good friends.

I am still here today, then we're going out to eat, then I will go home, and see the girlies tomorrow for bowling. Life is good!

 

[starlight1]

I had the talk with Rocky. He agreed that he needed to give me social regonition. It was a simply and easy talk where he agreed but wasn't sure he could give me what I want. I pointed out he would have to give this even if I was just a friend with out sex. And that he had already told me he wanted me in his life long term.

We didn't talk timeline, so I will be doing that tonight.

I told him if he couldn't step up and own his choices as a man, and tell other people it's none of their business, then I would be downgrading him to just friend. Not FWB, no sex at all.

Now for the tough part. I have to make sure MY actions are in line with my words.

I also told him frankly when he asked what I would be doing on my trip, as he is unsure he can last close to three months with out sex. I said I wasn't actively looking for anyone, but if I happened to find a fling while there I would enjoy myself. I told him all the more reason to socially acknowledge me, so we could have sex when I get back, lol.

After this conversation we watched TV, made love, then went to sleep cuddling. We had talked while he took me to dinner, and he seems very happy in the relationship. I still feel it isn't quite resolved. He asked if I wanted to start no sex right away. But I don't think I do. I think I will wait until my trip that is a month away. I need to sleep on this. Maybe I will sooner so I can go on my trip without worrying about this.

I found out some new information on Trips side, that is making me reconsider a relationship with him. Let's just say my gut instinct was right concerning Peti, and it's a possible serious deal breaker for me. I am still pondering this, and I won't go into specifics, it's not my place...but it is concerning and I need to mull it over for a bit.

In the mean time, holy fuck I like sex with Irishcoffee. He is VERY creative in bed, and we have such a frank easy rapport. Except when he likes to intentionally irritate me (his sense of humour), and he's way to financially and practically incompatible with me, but that doesn't mean we can't romp in the sheets. I know poly is about loving connections, but that doesn't preclude consenting adults. Plus we are friends first. I like how it is, and we're both happy with the current arrangement.

My medication right now is making me feel a little flat and less connected emotionally, so my posts feel a bit off to me. Less of myself in them, even though I am telling everything factually...

I cleaned my house top to bottom again yesterday. Nothing like a clean home to clear out the cobwebs of the mind too. When I can't get a handle on something, cleaning usually helps me sort it out and feel better. It was nice to have clean linens and kitchen, among other things.

I am at the moment over at rocky's, I will be here until Thursday, then I will be going to see trip that night. He is also coming by this weekend either Saturday or Sunday. It will be our first weekend day together and I am looking forward to it. No sexy times planned yet, as I need to decide on the dilemma, and I have yet to tell him I love him, again, waiting to decide on the issue. I just need to give it a few more days. Sometimes the best course of action is nothing, waiting patiently and seeing how things play out.

I know trip is an amazing kind man, who is very generous and loyal, which makes my decision even harder. much pondering on my side to do.

 

[IndieSolo]

I told him if he couldn't step up and own his choices as a man, and tell other people it's none of their business, then I would be downgrading him to just friend. Not FWB, no sex at all.

. . . He asked if I wanted to start no sex right away.

So, he basically told you he's not going to step up.

 

[starlight1]

Not exactly, he said that but also said he wanted more time to think about it. I pinned him down to before I go away to holiday from September 15th. So either he tells people about me by the 14th or we break up. That's our game plan. I am not waiting any longer after that.

We had another clarifying of what he had said yesterday today.

After this we laughed and cried and kissed and made love, and I gave him my blessing to see other people. I said this is the true test of poly for me, letting the man I love, love others, and see if he returns. You have to understand he is not sure he has "two slots" to fill with love, and right now I fill all his needs and wants in that area. So he needs to let me go since he's not down for finding out just yet if poly is for him or not. I think not, and that's ok. Regardless I will be meeting his family, friends, etc One way or another, as friend or girlfriend...after I get back from America, that's for sure. And I feel good about sticking to my guns.

Tonight, I am off to Caberet with Trip, and I could use a good laugh. Life is full of surprises. I am still weighing out pros and cons of can I accept my lovers other love right now. I need more time and to meet her a few more times.

 

[starlight1]

Thursday and Friday have been pretty intense for me.
So many conflicting emotions. So much processing.

First the big things. I blurted out in a spur of the moment, unplanned, that I was falling in love with Trip. I wasn't planning on telling him yet, but then the moment felt right and I said it.

Then later that night, Trip said it back to me.

It was vulnerable, real, and very intimate.

After that we went to burlesque Caberet show...and it was amazing. We had such a good time! It was both sexy, funny, tititalting and enchanting. I tried a new mixer drink with amererto and diet coke.

We danced and hooted and called out during the show, and as we are both into both genders, it was lots of fun permissible eye candy for both of us,

Then, we walked a long spending time together.

It was really overwhelming in such good ways, for both of us.

Saying those words to each other earlier, was almost like a wishing on a star: in that saying it allowed again may ruin the magic.

We both held onto it in that moment and processed it, we continued to say it non verbally, with our hands, our glances, our shy smiles.

We still haven't had sex, we aren't ready. I want to, but not yet. I am still processing my feelings. I have never fallen for anyone this fast. My ex husband I fell for him, in a kind of love, after five years of knowing him online, and 2 in person. With H, it was three years. With Rocky it was 6 months roughly.

That's pretty much it in love, the rest were infatuations, and adoration but not True love for me. And in fact I am not sure any of those people besides rocky truly loved me in return. So I am new to this, and I know what real love looks like now, and what behaviours I want in it. Even though I am hurt by rocky's inability to stand up right now and own his stuff, he Has come a long way in the last year stepping up in many many many ways. So I know he is growing, but I'm just not holding my breathe that includes me.

Where I succeed in bravery, I have other failings.

I am guilty of comparing. Jealousy is not my issue, I am happy for my men to be happy, with whomever. I do compare what they offer though, and I more often compare who I am when I am around each of them. I know they bring different things to the table. But something struck me hard both on Thursday and Friday about who I am with each of them.

It's hard for me to explain accurately. But I am going to try so bear with me.

Thursday, I declared my love and emotional vulnerability to a man I know can handle whatever I tell him. I know because I know that he has similar skeletons. I know because I recognise the pain and anguish and the overcoming of much crap in life, and yet still being open, still loving, and still being brave enough to stay in the moment with me, that is huge props in my books. We are equal. This is not idealised version of him, but after very personal conversations and backed up by Trips actions towards me. Every time I worry he will walk away, he proves me wrong. Every time I worry he will back down or not deal, he does, and then some. I do not need to handle him with kid gloves. I also like how he sees me. He sees me as a woman in her own right. Strong, capable, sexy, elegant, fierce, loyal, hardworking. These are how he sees me.

Skip to tonight, and There is Rocky, going through old photos, and enjoying one of me looking innocent and naive. He points out to one of the beach photos. He says he loves this one the most because it shows my soft, gentle, caring nature, my naivety and motherly side. He only sees that side of me. He does not see the woman part of me. The part that is sexy, and naughty, and strong as steel. He cannot see it, because he does not know what it's like to live through hell and back. I am not that girl anymore. I cannot be her. I don't know how. Court changed me, and I cannot get her back, or if she is there, I find it increasingly difficult to show that side of myself to rocky. I have been dissapointed one too many times.

Rocky, and my love for him, represents where I was a year ago, my past, my childlike innocence and girl hood.

Trip represents where I am going. Bad ass don't fuck me with me woman.

That's not to say, I don't hold that innocence and girl good inside me, but it's tempered by wisdom, life experience, etc. It's been a pivotal life change point in my life in the last few months particularly. Can I have both parts of me together at the same time? be strong but with kindness? Be firm, but gentle? be fierce and skeptical, but still open and vulnerable?

I am not sure I like who I am becoming or terrified of it. But I know it is more rational, skeptical, logical, solution driven, determined, and tough as nails.

But I had to Slough off my skin of naivety and innocence to find the steel underneath.

In this fire, as I go from unpolished metal into a sword, I hope I can retain some of the softeness, kindness, goodness, but with the ability to balance it with the new learned skills and way of being.

I see Trip on Sunday. I am going to sleep in tomorrow, do some more Pilates (down to size 12 now yay) and then clean house. I am making lamb roast on Sunday so should be awesome to have time together at my own home. No rushing around anywhere. Just me him and cuddles and good food and company.