Extremely exposing my personal pain but needing to know. (TRIGGER WARNING)

C

Crazy

New member
I’m a bit scared to post office because I feel such a shame and I don’t want to be ridiculed. I’m talking to the sky that I really like and I really want to be intimate with but he brought up some thing that I never even thought about. He’s a First polyamorous individual that I’ve really talk to when searching for a relationship and I’m trying not to use him as the be all answer to my polyamorous questions which leads me to post here. What I’m going to say is gonna be extremely personal and extremely exposing. But I need advice. I need to know if I’m even allowed to be polyamorous.
I don’t have much of a dating history at all and my first and only relationship I was sexually assaulted. My ex/assaulter apparently got cold sores and when he assaulted me orally he was contagious without showing symptoms. So when I was sexually assaulted I was also given an STD herpes and everyone always jokes that it’s for life. I really hate those jokes. Every time I hear one it reminds me of how disgusting I am.
I’m currently having one of the most painful outbreaks that I’ve had since I was attacked 10 years ago and I’ve always been upfront and honest with anybody that shows any sexual interest in me. I’ve never really had to worry or concern myself with the outcome of the reaction because most of the people who show sexual interest in me or people that I can’t physically be with due to it being online so it’s not something really to concern ourselves about. However this guy I’m talking to we’ve actually talked about meeting in person and being intimate. Today he informed me when I asked him if he would still be interested in me that the plan to be intimate with me no longer exist basically. It puts not only himself at risk but it also puts everybody else that he sleeps with at risk.
I was having a really rough time with what’s going on right now and being someone who is constantly looking to be comforted I reached out asking him if he could still be with me despite my HSV thinking he already knew when it turns out somehow and never came up and I don’t know why. We have talked about my assault and every time I talk about my assault I bring up the fact that I was left with HSV. Somehow I guess I did it this time and I feel disgusted with myself.
So I’m turning to all of you the polyamorous community to hopefully answer a question that I didn’t even think I needed to ask. I’ve always known that anyone who is intimate with me chooses the risk but because I have HSV does that mean me wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship is not possible because it goes against polyamory and puts multiple people at risk? I think we all know what answer I am hoping for but I need to know the real answer even if it devastates me.
 
That sucks that happened to you.

Just be upfront with any potential partner about your sti status and let them weigh their own risk.

Polyamory is about excellent communication and ethical actions, in this case, your responsibility is to be honest about your sti status. It is up to your potential partner (s) to make decisions accordingly.
 
I'm sorry to hear you were assaulted. It is NOT your fault, and it does not make you a disgusting person. I'm also sorry you are dealing with a painful outbreak right now.

I don't know if you got counseling after the experience, or do continued counseling. But if you haven't yet? Maybe think about it.

I’ve always been upfront and honest with anybody that shows any sexual interest in me.
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And that's the responsible thing to do. Share sex health history, use protection, etc.

However this guy I’m talking to we’ve actually talked about meeting in person and being intimate. Today he informed me when I asked him if he would still be interested in me that the plan to be intimate with me no longer exist basically. It puts not only himself at risk but it also puts everybody else that he sleeps with at risk.
Click to expand...

And that sucks if you were looking forward to sharing sex, but he is doing the responsible thing. Slowing things down on this visit.

I was having a really rough time with what’s going on right now and being someone who is constantly looking to be comforted I reached out asking him if he could still be with me despite my HSV thinking he already knew when it turns out somehow and never came up and I don’t know why. We have talked about my assault and every time I talk about my assault I bring up the fact that I was left with HSV. Somehow I guess I did it this time and I feel disgusted with myself.
Click to expand...

You are being up front and honest. He may need time to take it in and digest.

Not everyone is educated about rape/sexual assault. So they don't know how to date a person who has been assaulted, and what extra care/considerations there may be for that person so they aren't accidentally triggering them or upsetting them. The assaulted person themselves is going to deal with things as they work to recover too. It's not like stubbing your toe on the coffee table, you get a bruise, and it is gone in 2 weeks or so and you forget about it. Trauma recovery is a different thing.

Then HSV -- thinking it over and getting to know you better, if you are responsible about your antiviral meds, what your sex health hygiene practices are, what is "safe enough" in their poly grouping because every person in the grouping is going to have a different level of comfort...

It's part of the "getting to know you" thing. And it takes time to sort out.

So I’m turning to all of you the polyamorous community to hopefully answer a question that I didn’t even think I needed to ask. I’ve always known that anyone who is intimate with me chooses the risk but because I have HSV does that mean me wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship is not possible because it goes against polyamory and puts multiple people at risk? I think we all know what answer I am hoping for but I need to know the real answer even if it devastates me.
Click to expand...

Consenting, ethical polyamory simply means "many loves" -- people could have more than 1 sweetie, and everyone in the group consents to practice a poly model. And whatever else that particular grouping agrees on.

Having STUFF doesn't go "against polyamory."

There are poly people who deal with STDs. It is going to bring its set of stuff, but not unheard of.

Not the same thing, but there are poly people with kids. Or dementia elders like me. Or divorces. Or being chronic patients. Assault survivors, veterans with PTSD, wheelchairs, canes, glasses, allergies, missing fingers, toes, limbs, ... just whatever LIFE STUFF they deal with.

Unless you are a teen or young adult in the 20s that JUST started dating? People are going to come with some with STUFF in their histories. And STUFF they are dealing with right now.

Hang in there. It may or may not work out with this dude. But you know what? That's what happens with dating in general. That it may or may not work out with a potential.

I don't know if that's comforting any. But you are NOT disgusting for being an assault survivor just trying to life your life.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry to hear you were assaulted. It is NOT your fault, and it does not make you a disgusting person. I'm also sorry you are dealing with a painful outbreak right now.

I don't know if you got counseling after the experience, or do continued counseling. But if you haven't yet? Maybe think about it.



And that's the responsible thing to do. Share sex health history, use protection, etc.



And that sucks if you were looking forward to sharing sex, but he is doing the responsible thing. Slowing things down on this visit.



You are being up front and honest. He may need time to take it in and digest.

Not everyone is educated about rape/sexual assault. So they don't know how to date a person who has been assaulted, and what extra care/considerations there may be for that person so they aren't accidentally trigger them or upsetting them. The assaulted person themselves is going to deal with things as they work to recover too. It's not like stubbing your toe on the coffee table, you get a bruise, and it is gone in 2 weeks or so and you forget about it. Trauma recovery is a different thing.

Then HSV -- thinking it over and getting to know you better, if you are responsible about your antiviral meds, what your sex health hygiene practices are, what is "safe enough" in their poly grouping because ever person in the grouping is going to have a different level of comfort...

It's part of the "getting to know you" thing. And it takes time to sort out.



Consenting, ethical polyamory simply means "many loves" -- people could have more than 1 sweetie, and everyone in the group consents to be practicing a poly model. And whatever else that particular grouping agrees on.

Having STUFF doesn't go "against polyamory."

There are poly people who deal with STDs. It's going to bring it's set of stuff, but not unheard of.

Not the same thing, but there are poly people with kids. Or dementia elders like me. Or divorces. Or being chronic patients. Assault survivors, veterans with PTSD, wheelchairs, canes, glasses, allergies, missing fingers, toes, limbs, ... just whatever LIFE STUFF they deal with.

Unless you are a teen or young adult in the 20s that JUST started dating? People are going to some with STUFF in their histories. And STUFF they are dealing with right now.

Hang in there. It may or may not work out with this dude. But you know what? That's what happens with dating in general. That it may or may not work out with a potential.

I don't know if that's comforting any. But you are NOT disgusting for being an assault survivor just trying to life your life.

Galagirl
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I thank you so much for your kind words and answering my post. It’s good to know that his reaction to not wanting to be intimate with me it’s not a be all. I finally found the kind of relationships that I wanna have are polyamorous one and I am so ready to be involved in it. I’m fully embraced & loving the idea of a few poly dynamics I would hope for. The idea of being in a poly relationship is more realistic to me than the idea of a monogamous one. I didn’t want to be told that I had to change my mind or that once again something else in my life that I wanted I could a have. So I appreciate you taking so much time and energy in answering my post.
 
Evie said:
That sucks that happened to you.

Just be upfront with any potential partner about your sti status and let them weigh their own risk.

Polyamory is about excellent communication and ethical actions, in this case, your responsibility is to be honest about your sti status. It is up to your potential partner (s) to make decisions accordingly.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your support.
 
Hi Crazy,

You are absolutely allowed to be polyamorous, and I want to point out that the HSV is not your fault. The only qualifier here is that you do have to be honest with potential lovers about the HSV, they have to be able to make an informed decision. And it's my hope and belief that there will be people who will want to be intimate with you in spite of the HSV.

The important things in polyamory are knowledge and consent. As long as someone knows of your condition, and then consents to be sexually intimate with you, then you are going in the right direction with poly, and the HSV in and of itself does not go against poly. If you kept it a secret from your (poly) lovers, then that would go against poly. But I don't think you would do that.

I'm very sorry that you were sexually assaulted. And I'm sorry that you contracted HSV as a result of that assault. Again I want to emphasize that those things are (and were) not your fault. Just be honest with prospective lovers, and hold out for the ones that are willing to take the risk with you. You are neither dirty nor disgusting; you are a good person who deserves to be loved.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Crazy,
kdt26417 said:
You are absolutely allowed to be polyamorous, and I want to point out that the HSV is not your fault. The only qualifier here is that you do have to be honest with potential lovers about the HSV, they have to be able to make an informed decision. And it's my hope and belief that there will be people who will want to be intimate with you in spite of the HSV.

The important things in polyamory are knowledge and consent. As long as someone knows of your condition, and then consents to be sexually intimate with you, then you are going in the right direction with poly, and the HSV in and of itself does not go against poly. If you kept it a secret from your (poly) lovers, then that would go against poly. But I don't think you would do that.

I'm very sorry that you were sexually assaulted. And I'm sorry that you contracted HSV as a result of that assault. Again I want to emphasize that those things are (and were) not your fault. Just be honest with prospective lovers, and hold out for the ones that are willing to take the risk with you. You are neither dirty nor disgusting; you are a good person who deserves to be loved.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for your kind words & support. I’m really grateful that I didn’t need to give up on polyamorous relationships.
 
You're very welcome.
 
So sorry that happend to you. I don't know how much insight I can give on this but I'm also new to the polyamorous world and I'm semi into a relationship with some who is HSV positive. He made me aware of it before we did anything. I didn't look at him or feel any different about him. I appreciated his honesty about it. It just took us a little longer to be intimate with eachother, plus other stuff unrelated to that but as long as your honest with current or future potential partners I think you will do just fine.
 
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