Fearing this may not work

P

Poetikpagan

New member
My wife and I have been together for 4 years now, and are very happy together. We are open and poly, but haven't had much experience in polyamory. We shared a girlfriend for five months, but we ended breaking up with her because I felt like I couldn't give her the attention she deserved. Recently my wife has started dating one of our mutual friends, lets call him T. I've felt really heartbroken since this began. My wife has been very compassionate towards me, telling me that she still loves me just as much as ever, that she will never stop loving me, that this doesn't demean our relationship in any way, but whenever I see her with T, I die a little on the inside. I don't know why. Logically I know I have nothing to worry about, and I wan't to give her this, so she can be happy in our relationship, but I'm beginning to fear that I am not polyamorous. Have any of you guys experienced soul crushing jealousy over one of your partners partners? Do any of you have any advise for me? I miss being happy in my marriage.
 
Poetikpagan said:
Have any of you guys experienced soul crushing jealousy over one of your partners partners?
Click to expand...

You don't sound very poly. For many people, they are truly happy for their partner's happiness with others. It sounds like you can only be happy when the poly relationship is directly benefiting you (i.e. a shared girlfriend.)
 
Candiedlove said:
You don't sound very poly. For many people, they are truly happy for their partner's happiness with others. It sounds like you can only be happy when the poly relationship is directly benefiting you (i.e. a shared girlfriend.)
Click to expand...

What she said.

I am not jealous of my husbands gf one iota and they are in the throws of NRE.
 
Galagirl usually has a pretty good post regarding how one set of skills (having multiple relationships) is not the same as another (having a partner with multiple relationships). You admit to not having much poly experience, so give yourself a bit of a break... many people have those emotions, and they do take time and experience to work out.

The good thing is, you're communicating with your wife. Please continue to do so, even if you feel you're hitting the same topics over and over and over again.

I'd recommend starting with the "More Than Two" site (and by reading their new book): http://www.morethantwo.com/

The "Common Myths" section does touch on jealousy and how poly people aren't immune. Jealousy DOES happen to poly people (my metamour has been hit by it every so often), and not every poly person is all that great at compersion. Some people want a family-poly model, some want their relationships more separate, and this is a difference that can really cause friction.

Keep communicating and keep doing the self-introspection necessary to try to get closer to figuring out what it is that triggers the jealousy. I've found it easier over time, once some things get aired and worked through, to tackle the remaining issues. Keep in mind that some issues may never get resolved, but once you know them, you can at least work on managing them.

If it comes down to it and you're NOT poly? That's okay. I'm not. My partner and I still have a damned good relationship. Just work on figuring out what your needs are, and see if they can be met. Sometimes it takes some creativity or planning. And hang in there - you're not alone. :)
 
New developments in poly relationships can be hard, and ESPECIALLY when you're new to being poly. Sounds like you're in poly hell: http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell . That article was incredibly validating for me when I was struggling with jealousy when my husband started dating his girlfriend. I had asked him to read it too to know where I was coming from and help us problem solve how to mend our relationship. Give yourself time - I needed a few months to get where I am now, and they were incredibly painful months for me. If you're willing to continue processing this on your own and with your wife, you can get through it. Read as much as you can on this forum about being poly (not just the relationship corner where people come for advice about problems). Even if you decide you are not poly, it sounds like your wife is.

Best of luck and feel free to keep posting on here to get support and advice!
 
Today I saw how much she cared for her new partner and realized that this is something permanent and not fleeting and my heart sank a little. I know that is really selfish, but I am not adapting to my new situation at all. One really messed up thought I was having to help me cope with this was "It's ok, this isn't going to last for long, and before you know it, you'll have your wife back again." but I can't use that anymore (which is probably for the best, as it wasn't a healthy coping mechanism.) I am terrified of the future...
 
I am sorry you struggle right now with emotions surrounding change.

I agree with previous posters. I also don't know if any of these questions could help you clarify anything:

  • If it helps any, here's a picture. Change takes time to adapt to, even wanted change. Did you want this change? Or did you agree to Open again so she could date T from fear of losing her?
  • What is it that you fear exactly? Did anything in the poly hell article resonate with you?
  • If you read the needs inventory, can you circle any that are not being met? for you by you? Her? T?
  • Could you be willing to ask (you, her, T) to help you meet a need?
  • When you observe her with T, seeing how she cares for him... what are you thinking to yourself? Do your thoughts contribute to your upset?
  • Have you read jealousy? What about more jealousy first aid or more jealousy?
  • Is it that T is not a shared BF and you feel left out of the NRE?
  • What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I don't know if this is helpful, but my spending time with lady when sirreal and I were in NRE was very helpful to lady. It let her get to know me as a person and learn to trust that I had no motivation to damage or interfere negatively with their relationship. I was very fortunate that this led to further ground for more relationship, but even before that happened, she was able to be less anxious.
This is not how everyone practices poly but it did work for us. So you might look at that as something to think about.
 
Hi Poetikpagan,

Here's some more links in case it'll help ...

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I've always found that when I've felt jealous, it's because I had some unmet need in the relationship. Jealousy was just my way of projecting that need onto my metamour.
 
I've been practicing radical acceptance lately, telling myself things like "this is how my relationship is now, it isn't a bad thing, it's just new, and I have to adapt." (My wife is a psych major with an interest in becoming a therapist, she knows a lot of these tricks) It's helping a little, but I can't help but feel like my bond with her is somehow lessened, or cheapened. She tells me it isn't, that she loves him differently than she loves me, but it's hard for me to grasp the concept. A lot of the links you've posted have helped me express my feelings better, so I am appreciative of that... heres hoping things get better
 
I also felt that my bond was lessened when my husband started dating his girlfriend. I needed lots of reassurance and time to get over that. It got better, for me at least. I no longer feel that way, because I know that his relationship with her doesn't take away anything from his relationship with me. If anything, it has strengthened it.

Wishing you the best in this difficult time - you're not alone.
 
It's helping a little, but I can't help but feel like my bond with her is somehow lessened, or cheapened. She tells me it isn't, that she loves him differently than she loves me, but it's hard for me to grasp the concept.
Click to expand...

Maybe read poly hell together?

It has changed. It IS less in terms of time. You need time to mourn that loss. Before you were the only one. 100% access to all her "share with partner time." Cuz you were the only partner. It just is what it is. Her not seeing that or acknowledging that at this time could mean she isn't able to help comfort you on that.

It is NOT less in terms of loving you -- I am sure she loves you. Her love isn't cheap. You need to be able to see that. Because you not seeing that is you not believing in her word, devaluing her love which is still worth the same as it ever was -- can lead to her feeling less than, erode trust, good faith in each other, etc.

It's a pretty weird time. That too is just what it is. Things will feel weird because the "old normal" isn't any more, and the "new normal" has not arrived yet. It's ok to feel weird.

Guard against it blowing up out of proportion though. Give it time, communicate. Process.

Remember you are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. You are the person thinking the thoughts and experiencing the feelings. One can change one's mind. One can weather out emotional weather.

You will be ok.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top