Feeling a little mind-boggled

[ClaraOswald]

Anyone else actually ever have the more reluctant partner in a formerly monogamous relationship do a complete 180? Capaldi initially went along with the idea of polyamory back when I first brought it up to him & Moog last year extremely reluctantly. After some really bad times over the summer, he was once again willing to let me try again with Moog. Since then, he has had it feel like a switch went off & he's super okay with things. And now he has gone even from being super mellow about my relationship with Moog, such as it is, to, kinda at my suggestion, creating his own OKC account. He's currently chatting with another lady here in town. Even though I'm the one who initiated the changes in our relationship and don't expect to have the same amount of issues that he had initially, it still feels kind of weird to me.

 

[anamikanon]

I always trust inexplicable feelings. You should probably talk to him and ask him to go slow.

I don't really see relationships as a scoreboard where everyone has "equal freedom" to pursue things. It may sound hypocritical, but in my view, every person is different and the challenges and strengths that come with it are different and what may be fine for one person to pull off, could be a problem for another.

I am just giving an example of this "inequality"

I was the one to insist that my relationship with Spexy be explicitly NOT one that promises monogamy. Neither of us were interested or inclined to pursue anyone else, so we didn't really discuss this beyond accepting that people feel what they feel and as long as we are committed to each other, we will not "own" sole rights to the other.

A year and a half down the road, Spexy got into an affair (cheating) out of the blue. Technically, we had not put a definition to our non-monogamy. But the way he handled it between the two of us didn't work and he pulled the plug (I was very close to an ultimatum if he hadn't). Even ending it was very messy.

I didn't have any intentions of finding another partner, and didn't bother just because Spexy had opened the relationship.

On the other hand, once the dust died down on his relationship, Spexy is convinced that at least at the moment he definitely doesn't have the skills to handle two relationships. I had concluded that in a moment of fury over how I was treated earlier and "grounded" him to monogamy unless he negotiated explicit exceptions (which sort of brings us to consensual poly, actually).

He took it a step forward and has chosen to remain monogamous. He is happy with me and while he doesn't believe that monogamy is inherently virtuous or anything, he believes it is practical for his skill level with relationships. I agree.

I have not committed myself to monogamy at all. I still am not looking for anyone, but if I choose to, I may.

At no point have we been "equally" non-monogamous. Sometimes the difference is from ill-advised action, sometimes from choice tailored to a specific person.

So I think, there is no rule that says that just because you are poly, you "have to" be ok with your husband being poly too. He is a different person. Will he make a good hinge? Will you be able to handle his being poly? What are the challenges? What are your needs to feel okay with it....? I think you should speak with him and find a safe space in which you can proceed. It may sound hypocritical, but IMO, it is a life hack - may not be "perfect" in terms of everyone being allowed on basis of one standard, etc but in my view will be emotionally safer and more likely to succeed if you pay special attention to each person.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Clara,

Overall, I think it is a good thing that Capaldi has done a 180. I'm sure it seems strange right now, but the new normal should settle in after awhile.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink....but now he sees its safe to drink what could be the problem? Don't look a drinking horse in the mouth.. What difference does it make how he got to his light bulb moment as long as you and he are happy.

I don't really see relationships as a scoreboard where everyone has "equal freedom" to pursue things. It may sound hypocritical, but in my view, every person is different and the challenges and strengths that come with it are different and what may be fine for one person to pull off, could be a problem for another.

YES IT SOUNDS SUPER HYPOCRITICAL


I'd like to know who gets to decide these things ?? Who evaluates the differences in personality and their personal conflicting challenges or the perceived lack of strengths to " pull it off " ?

Is this akin to an entrance exam? " sorry honey you're just not there yet....keep working on yourself and try again in a yr".

 

[anamikanon]

I'd like to know who gets to decide these things ??

The couple in question.

Who evaluates the differences in personality and their personal conflicting challenges or the perceived lack of strengths to " pull it off " ?

The two (or more) people in question evaluate.

Is this akin to an entrance exam? " sorry honey you're just not there yet....keep working on yourself and try again in a yr".

If there is an adverserial or patronizing attitude toward a partner, the relationship will have problems regardless of whether the partners open up or not or whether they communicate as I suggested or any other manner. A relationship runs on dialogue and assessment of situations together, not cutting assessments and judgments to punish.

I had assumed that the relationship was otherwise healthy and worth maintaining.

 

[dingedheart]

The couple in question.



The two (or more) people in question evaluate.



If there is an adverserial or patronizing attitude toward a partner, the relationship will have problems regardless of whether the partners open up or not or whether they communicate as I suggested or any other manner. A relationship runs on dialogue and assessment of situations together, not cutting assessments and judgments to punish.

I had assumed that the relationship was otherwise healthy and worth maintaining.

I'm not sure how any of that works with the situation at hand. The guy has come around 180 degrees and he wants to start dating BUT his wife wants and needs to discuss his skills and ablitity.....why ?? Adversarial and patronizing ??? Unequal freedom ? oh wait that's not freedom now is it. And are we talking about the concept of a " score"board or fairness more like rules of the game or referee. General fairness.

To me the whole thing screams hypocrite so loud I couldn't get past the first few sentences. And believe me whatever good intentioned info that was trying to be passed would be lost in looking back at how their poly journey started and every slight and perceived mistake will come as a flashback. I don't see much upside in a conversation like this only a big fight. It's all very subjective and projecting since he hasn't gone on a date yet.

 

[sexyserb]

I'm not sure how any of that works with the situation at hand. The guy has come around 180 degrees and he wants to start dating BUT his wife wants and needs to discuss his skills and ablitity.....why ?? Adversarial and patronizing ??? Unequal freedom ? oh wait that's not freedom now is it. And are we talking about the concept of a " score"board or fairness more like rules of the game or referee. General fairness.

To me the whole thing screams hypocrite so loud I couldn't get past the first few sentences. And believe me whatever good intentioned info that was trying to be passed would be lost in looking back at how their poly journey started and every slight and perceived mistake will come as a flashback. I don't see much upside in a conversation like this only a big fight. It's all very subjective and projecting since he hasn't gone on a date yet.

Sorry, Clara. Dinged has it right. You got what you wanted, brought hubby into poly reluctantly. You have a boyfriend. You do not get to comment or decide on how or who he dates. He does it on his terms, the way he wants to, and with who he wants to.

 

[ClaraOswald]

I actually was just amazed at the complete turnaround. For the most part, I'm okay with the idea. I mean, I did start this whole thing, after all, lol. My main concern is time. With both guys working 40 hours (second shift & 40+ in Capaldi's case + school) and with the combined number of kids between us, I already feel like I don't see either of them enough. And, atm anyways, so far he's just been chatting with two or three chicks on OKC. Even that much has gotten me feeling the occasional twinge of compersion. It's kinda cute.

My secondary concern is what happens if Moog does end up moving on. He came to me shortly before we made our second attempt at things about a buddy of his looking to share an apartment. I obviously can't keep him from moving out if he is so inclined. Frankly, I'm surprised he hasn't run away screaming before now at times. But it seemed to me at the time that he decided to stay because I wanted him to. If me moves out and/or finds his own SO in the future I kinda feel like this is a situational poly situation for me. I never went looking for another guy, thought things were fine the way they were with Capaldi...Moog just kinda dropped into my lap, so to speak. I s'pose it could happen again, but I'm inclined to think that if/when our relationship ends that I'm more than likely done & would happily settle back into monogamy with Capaldi.

 

[SlowPoly]

As the partner who did a 180 (after about 15 years of monogamous marriage during which I was always explicitly free to seek other partners, without my spouse even requiring same freedom): Yes. This happens.

Yes, time is hard to find in most people's lives. Capaldi may have felt this same pressure in the year+ you've been with Moog. It's a challenge, but it would hardly be fair to try to limit His exploration once you are satisfied, if he feels he wants more. I hear others recommending that you throttle down, with you happily in a second relationship, just as he's testing the waters, but maybe I'm reading them wrong. Asking your partner accept to less opportunity than you claim for yourself seems obviously unfair to me, but again, that's ultimately just an opinion.

Yes, it will feel different if you have no additional partners and your spouse has one. And just as that (eventually) wasn't reason for your husband to refuse to allow it, it's really just something for you to come to terms with, within yourself.

You may think you'd be happy, in the hypothetical Moogless world, to settle back into monogamy, but (a) You may not, or only temporarily; and (b) Capaldi may no longer want that. For these reasons, you may want to be careful about how you couch any expressions of such hopes or expectations. It's a big demand to close back up, if one partner is feeling joy in polyamory.

Explore that sense of amazement, and maybe tell Capaldi you're feeling a bit. But maybe try to keep the vicarious/compersive excitement of exploration flowing, too?