Feeling Abandoned

KC43

New member
I posted about this in my blog, but wanted people's thoughts on the situation.

Since September, I've been seeing a guy I refer to on here as "Facets." He's been good for me in a lot of ways, though we've also had issues (which have mostly been due to miscommunications and to incorrect beliefs on my part).

Early on, I told him that I worry about being ghosted, and that I find that an incredibly painful thing for someone to do. He promised he would never ghost me and that he would always answer my texts, though it might take him a little while to answer. A couple of months ago, while we were sorting out one of our issues, I told him I was afraid he would get tired of me and be done with me, and he said he wasn't going anywhere.

I haven't heard from him in two weeks. The last contact from him was him texting me to cancel our date for that weekend. Since then, he hasn't answered any of my texts or messages I've sent him online. I know two weeks isn't a long time, and people do get busy, but it isn't like him to just plain not answer me.

I do vaguely recall that during the "I'll never ghost you" conversation, he said that sometimes he pulls a disappearing act for a while because he's dealing with something. Realistically, I think that's what's going on now. He hasn't shown up the past two weekends at a sports place he took me to that he said he would be at every weekend (I've gone by myself the past two weeks because it's good exercise and I enjoy it), and as far as I know he hasn't been in contact with the other woman he's seeing either, both of which would indicate there's something going on with him right now. And the last thing I heard from him, when he canceled, was that something had happened to put him in a foul mood, though he didn't give any details.

But even knowing that there's very likely a reason for this that has nothing to do with me, and that if it's the reason I'm thinking it would be grounds for me to accept his breaking a promise (and that's something I almost never accept from anyone), this situation is hitting me hard. I have serious abandonment issues and a history of emotional abuse, and having someone vanish on me like this without warning or explanation not only causes me to turn my brain inside out trying to figure out what I did wrong, but also hits one of my deepest fears. (I am in therapy. I have been talking to my therapist about this. And my husband and boyfriend have been incredibly supportive.)

If he's dealing with something as I suspect, that means he will get back in touch when he's able/ready to. But meanwhile, how do I keep myself from spiraling back into "This is all my fault, what did I do wrong, why is he doing this to me?"

And... I hate having to say this, but since someone went behind my back a couple of years ago I feel I do have to: I can't control what people do or say, but if this gets taken off this site, that's at minimum a seriously shitty thing to do. I'm posting here so Facets *doesn't* hear about it or have to deal with it, because my issues with the situation are my issues, not his. So I hope people will respect me and this board enough to keep it here.
 
I deal with anxieties like that by being straight with myself. DID you do something? No. It's his behavior, it's his fault.
 
Whatever his reasons, you don't have to accept this behavior. Why put yourself through this?

Because I understand the mindfuck mental health issues can cause. If his mental health is playing a role, his behavior makes sense; isolating is a common behavior for some people with some types of mental health issues, and cutting contact with others is part of isolating. I don't *know* if that's the case here, obviously, since he hasn't told me anything, but it is possible.

Also because I love him, and sometimes love makes you stupid.

I deal with anxieties like that by being straight with myself. DID you do something? No. It's his behavior, it's his fault.

Thanks. That's what I keep telling myself. Unfortunately, anxiety is not always subject to logic.
 
Hi KC43,

To me, two weeks sounds like a long time. For not even responding when you reach out. I hate to say it, but this sounds like ghosting. If you had actually done something wrong, he could at least say so. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe message him with something like, "I'm guessing that you need space, so I won't message you again until I hear back from you. Please call or message me as soon as you can. I'm worried about you." Then after sending it, try to act, think, and feel as if you never expected to hear from him again. Grieve and move on. Be open to the possibility of dating someone new. If Facets contacts you, that's a bonus. But don't wait for him.

If you want to give him more than two weeks, determine how long you're willing to wait. Two months? Two years? Probably not two years. But whatever it is, wait that long, give him that long, and then, stop waiting. Resume living. Easier said than done I know. But try to do that anyway.

I feel bad that you're in that situation. Feeling abandoned is never easy.
Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I haven't heard from him in two weeks. The last contact from him was him texting me to cancel our date for that weekend.

Well, if he can text to cancel, could he add a few more words like "I need a time out for X weeks" so you know he's off on a mental health break and when he'd be likely to be back?

Galagirl
 
Galagirl, giving him the benefit of the doubt, when he texted to cancel our date he may not have known that the "foul mood" would become something longer lasting. For example, when I have a depressive episode, I have no way to predict whether it's going to last an hour or a day or a week.

Kevin, that's essentially what the last message I sent him said, that I can't keep messaging him because it's painful to not get a response, but I'll be here if and when he's ready to reach out, and that I hope he's okay and hope to hear from him soon.

As for how long I'll wait... I'll wait until it stops hurting, I guess. Or at least hurts less. Right now, I don't even want to think about dating anyone else, because it's incredibly difficult for me to meet people as it is, and right now I'm not in a headspace to let anyone get close to me.
 
If he cannot estimate, he can't. But if can try, maybe it could help.

Alternately, as you get to know him and his patterns, you might be able to estimate over time.

For now, your plan of not texting him (so you don't deal with not getting responses back) might be best.

Galagirl
 
I don't know whether he could try or not. It's something I might bring up to him if I speak to him again. Right now, there isn't any way for me to ask him or suggest it.

I don't think this is a common occurrence with him, though as I think I mentioned, he did say something indicating that it's a possibility. This is the first time he's done something like this since we've been seeing each other, so first time in about 8 months.
 
He you talked to his other partner again? Maybe she knows already?
If she doesn't, I'd try calling. Possibly even visiting. IMHO it's seriously weird. I mean, you can ghost on people who you see once in a blue moon, not really on someone you call partner. If he did try that, and then he has to come out of his way to reject you after all and you have to take that ... well, then, at least you know.
 
Barring serious illness, hospitalisation or a death in the family, 2-3 days is about my limit of tolerance for any unexplained silence on the part of one of my partners. (That said, I do not have any casual relationships or fwb situations, so maybe it's different if it's not a primary partner.)

Even so, I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of this ASAP, in order to:
1.) allay fears for the person's safety, and
2.) to put an end to my own anxiety and feelings of abandonment, as I also suffer greatly from these issues, and more so in instances where absence is ongoing and without any valid explanation.

I'm with Tinwen in that I'd be pulling out all the stops at this point to make contact of any description, if only to find out for sure if it's a case of ghosting or if there is in fact some emergency or dire situation you need to know about.
 
He you talked to his other partner again? Maybe she knows already?
If she doesn't, I'd try calling. Possibly even visiting. IMHO it's seriously weird. I mean, you can ghost on people who you see once in a blue moon, not really on someone you call partner. If he did try that, and then he has to come out of his way to reject you after all and you have to take that ... well, then, at least you know.

I'm going to message his other partner later to ask if she's heard anything from him yet.

I have considered calling or visiting. But I *never* call him, and am concerned that doing so now could come across as pushy or disrespectful (if he is struggling with something, he knows I'm aware that that's the most likely cause, because I've said as much to him in a couple of the messages I sent). And I would never show up at anyone's home unannounced. That's way beyond what I'm comfortable with, just as I don't want anyone showing up at my house without warning.

I do know he's all right; or at least, I know that while he hasn't been active on one of the sites we belong to, he was on the site through which we met a day or two ago. As long as I can see that he's been on one or both sites, I know he's all right even if I don't know what's going on.

Barring serious illness, hospitalisation or a death in the family, 2-3 days is about my limit of tolerance for any unexplained silence on the part of one of my partners. (That said, I do not have any casual relationships or fwb situations, so maybe it's different if it's not a primary partner.)

Even so, I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of this ASAP, in order to:
1.) allay fears for the person's safety, and
2.) to put an end to my own anxiety and feelings of abandonment, as I also suffer greatly from these issues, and more so in instances where absence is ongoing and without any valid explanation.

I'm with Tinwen in that I'd be pulling out all the stops at this point to make contact of any description, if only to find out for sure if it's a case of ghosting or if there is in fact some emergency or dire situation you need to know about.

I don't consider Facets a casual or even FWB situation at this point; he's my partner and my Dom. As I said above, I know he's okay because he's been online within the past day or two. He might not be *emotionally* okay; I have no way of knowing that. But *physically*, at least, he's alive and doing things. It's just that those things don't include contacting me.

I hear you on the feelings of anxiety and abandonment, because that's exactly what I'm dealing with now. That's what I'm asking for help on *how* to deal with. I have tried messaging him repeatedly with no answer. Since it's someone I have literally never called before, it doesn't feel right to me to call him now. (If it were definitely an emergency, I would, but I don't consider this an emergency since I know he's all right.) Plus since he isn't responding to messages, and I've seen him ignore numerous phone calls when we're together, I don't think he would be likely to answer a call. And I don't even show up at my parents' house or my older kid's home without letting them know in advance; I would never go to a partner or friend's home without confirming with them that it's okay to do so.

I can only control what *I* do; I can't control how or whether he responds. While I understand what you're both saying about making sure he's okay, since I've seen evidence that he is, I need to *not* try to make any further contact at this point. It's a lot easier to manage my emotional response when it's a case of him not *contacting* me vs. a case of him not *answering* me, if that makes sense.
 
and just after I posted the above, he texted... He apologized and explained what happened, so we're talking now.
 
Glad to hear that; that is a relief.
 
I too am very glad for your sake that Facets got in contact again (and for his sake that he's okay.)

While I understand what you're both saying about making sure he's okay, since I've seen evidence that he is, I need to *not* try to make any further contact at this point. It's a lot easier to manage my emotional response when it's a case of him not *contacting* me vs. a case of him not *answering* me, if that makes sense

Yes, it DOES make a great deal of sense to me, now you put it that way. For myself, I find it easier to deal with things if I KNOW what's going on for sure (good or bad), but I realise that for others, an outright rejection might be harder to deal with. We all react differently.

What you have to understand is that, until your last post (which came after mine and Tinwen's), I was unaware that you had seen him active on social media quite recently and therefore concluded he was physically okay and not harmed in any way. (Unless I missed that part earlier.)



I don't consider Facets a casual or even FWB situation at this point; he's my partner and my Dom.

I *never* call him, and am concerned that doing so now could come across as pushy or disrespectful... I have tried messaging him repeatedly with no answer. Since it's someone I have literally never called before, it doesn't feel right to me to call him now.
And I would never show up at anyone's home unannounced. That's way beyond what I'm comfortable with.

I wasn't quite sure of the level of commitment between you and Facets either, at the time of writing, sorry.

Once again, I realise that everyone has their own way of doing things, but since you don't consider this a casual relationship, it strikes me as somewhat off-kilter that you don't feel comfortable calling him or visiting without an invitation.

This isn't directed at you specifically, KC43, but out of interest I'll ask other readers: Is it a common part of "poly etiquette" to not call or show up at the homes of non-nesting partners unannounced?

I'd never thought of it before... but I guess, due to issues of privacy and the fact that one's partners may have several other partners, it may come across as intrusive to simply show up, yes/no?
 
This isn't directed at you specifically, KC43, but out of interest I'll ask other readers: Is it a common part of "poly etiquette" to not call or show up at the homes of non-nesting partners unannounced?
I don't think so, not generally speaking; there could be specific agreements, for sure. Since it's 2018 and everybody has a phone it's not common for anyone to visit anyone unannounced ;), but I don't think there's a problem with that beyond risking that the person won't have time for you 9 out of 10 times.
 
I don't think so, not generally speaking; there could be specific agreements, for sure. Since it's 2018 and everybody has a phone it's not common for anyone to visit anyone unannounced ;), but I don't think there's a problem with that beyond risking that the person won't have time for you 9 out of 10 times.

Well, yes... there is that. :D

But exactly *because* everyone has a phone, I thought it odd that even calling itself would prove a problem for anyone, at least not with someone they consider a true "partner". If I were worried about one of my partners, the first thing I'd do would be call them.
 
Since I am in a closed V and the three of us live in the same house, I'm not in a position to say whether it would be weird to show up at someone's house without notice ahead of time. It's not like my companions have to text me for permission before they can come into my room. But that's different, that's three people living in the same house.

When either of my companions is out and about and needs to call me, they just call, I don't need notice ahead of time. But as I said, that's a little bit different, we are (a hinge and two) nesting partners.
 
Lunabunny, I probably did forget to say that I'd seen him online and so knew he was physically okay.

The calling thing... It isn't that calling is a problem, necessarily. It's just that we've been seeing each other since September, and I have NEVER called him. And the only time he has called me was the first time I went to his place, when i was trying to follow him from the restaurant we'd eaten at and missed a turn. All of our communication has been either texting or messaging online. So it would feel weird to me to call him out of the blue unless it was a definite emergency. (I also tend to avoid phone calls because it's difficult for me to process what someone's saying unless I can see them speaking. The only people I regularly talk to on the phone are my boyfriend, who is aware of the issue, and my mother, who doesn't know how to text or use a computer, as unbelievable as that might sound.)

I don't know how common it is for people not to show up at partners' homes without warning. Facets and I have never discussed it, but my boyfriend and previous partners have specifically asked me not to come over unless I've asked and they've said it's okay. Plus, as I said, I'm not comfortable going to ANYONE's house without asking. Dropping in on people out of the blue, regardless of who they are, just plain isn't something I do. When my kids and I first moved in with Hubby, we lived across the street from his parents, and I didn't even visit them without calling and asking first.
 
I also tend to avoid phone calls because it's difficult for me to process what someone's saying unless I can see them speaking. The only people I regularly talk to on the phone are my boyfriend, who is aware of the issue, and my mother, who doesn't know how to text or use a computer, as unbelievable as that might sound.

My parents are almost Luddites when it comes to technology, so I get that.

And because of my own issues (autism, social phobia, agoraphobia) I can relate to what you're saying. Texting/messaging/email is my preferred methods of communication, however I will call on occasion, say, in an emergency, or if the phone is the most expedient way to get the answers I seek. And I guess I'd do the "pop in" if I was desperate or had no other option.

Thank you, KC, and everyone else who answered my rather off-topic question. I was just curious how other poly folk operate in this way, as it's not something I'd thought much about.

Anyway, I'm sure glad Facets got in contact and that all is (hopefully) well.
 
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