Feeling All the Feels

This therapist's tone is very off putting. Is she his therapist or yours? If his, let him deal with her and stop going to couple things with her. If yours... consider a change in therapist.

But I think she's right about setting limits.

Boundaries are things you make for YOU. Other people do not have to accept or respect it. YOU do.

If I have a boundary of "I do not lend my things to careless people" and you borrow my lawn mower and break it? No apology, offers to repair or replace? And then you want to borrow my vac?

It's on ME to obey my boundary. I have to tell you "No. You may not have it."

You might not like hearing that answer cuz you want a vac to use. But so what? The boundary is not there for you. It is there for ME to help keep ME safe from new shenanigans. You can go ask someone else for a vac to borrow or save to buy your own or whatever. How you solve your part of it has nothing to do with me. I can solve MY side.

In your situation? I think you could make the boundaries for you. If Ponytail steps on your toes, there could be consequences that YOU do... Not Ponytail.

You could ask him once to cut it out. But if he keeps it up? You don't get sucked into a circle conversation about it. You could move on to solving it yourself by standing further back.

If what YOU need right now is 1x a week? Go to 1x a week. Let the chips fall where they may. Let him find people to hug. He has a therapist he can call. You are not ABANDONING him. You are taking care of your own mental health needs. What's horrible about that? :confused:

Stop doing JADE. (Justify, argue, defend, explain.) Whatever his illness or illnesses... if trying to explain things to him only becomes draining circle conversation that wears you out and go nowhere? You DO have to learn to "hang up" and stop doing that kind of circle conversation with him. The only way for the circle convo to stop is for one of the people to stop talking.

The only healthy thing on that situation is to disengage. Stop putting energy into keeping the circle going round and round.

It doesn't have to be like a rude abrupt phone hang up. You can be kind but FIRM and still end the conversation. Something like...

"This is starting to circle. I have already stated my position once. I will not repeat. I need a break now so I'm going for a walk."

And then just TAKE THE BREAK. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

You sound like you are punching fog here to me. I don't know if this website can help you any:

http://outofthefog.website/

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Updates on That Whole Situation

Well, Ponytail and I talked last Friday. We discussed boundaries and feelings and everything that had happened. Ponytail said that what his therapist had said was, in fact, true -- that it was okay (and might be necessary from time to time) for me to simply say that I can't talk with him right now and that I had already stated what I needed and hang up the phone. That he might want to keep talking and talking and if that is making me feel like my boundaries are being violated, then I need to just tell him that the boundary has already been stated and isn't open for negotiation. This was a little difficult to understand, but it was good to hear it from him directly and know that this is "okay" for me to do in the future, even though it feels totally bizarre to me to hang up on someone without both feeling okay with what's happening.

Anyway, he also told me that it was really good to hear how serious I was about this -- and that me walking out of the appointment made him realize how much I needed space and how difficult it was for me that I wasn't getting it. Crazy....but maybe that therapist was some kind of genius deep down.

So then we talked some more and he basically told me that he would just back off and let me schedule dates with him as often as I felt comfortable -- he'd let me set the pace of our relationship.

That's pretty much how it has been ever since then. It is a little weird, I will admit. There is some tension/nervousness between us that wasn't there before. He is worried about crossing boundaries and I am worried about sending mixed signals about how intense I want our relationship to be. But I think we will get back on track eventually.

I mentioned that I might be interested in dating Laptop. Ponytail didn't seem phased by this at first, but later told me that he needed to set the boundary that I not talk to him about dating Laptop -- that it was fine for me to do as I liked, but that there was a lot going on and that he didn't want to have to think about me dating more people and process adding another metamour. Fair enough, but it's a little confusing. Like, does he not want to hear about Laptop at all -- even if we never date and are always just friends?

Speaking of which, I asked Laptop if he wanted to go out for dinner after work a few days later. I was super nervous beforehand -- I thought of it as a date (it was our first time getting together after dusk) and planned a cute outfit and everything. I even thought of some other possible date ideas that we could do together. I had butterflies in my stomach. I had rehearsed how to clarify our relationship -- how to ask him if he was interested in exploring a romantic relationship together.

But when we actually sat down and had dinner together, I couldn't do it.

I'm so confused about how I feel about him. Sometimes I think I really want to date him -- other times I just have no freakin' clue. On paper he's kind of perfect for me, but in reality I don't know that we have all that much in common as far as recreational interests. I am having a hard time coming up with "date ideas" beyond just restaurants or getting coffee. And our general topics of conversation tend to revolve around how our relationships with other people are going. Plus, he's said multiple times that he is interested in finding a long-term, romantic secondary relationship AND that he probably only has enough space for one more relationship (besides his wife and his friend-with-benefits), and so I feel like if I were to initiate a romantic connection with him, I would be saying that I'm ready for something serious with him...and I'm just not sure. But I feel like our friendship is maybe getting to the point where some definition is expected....

Anyway, I just didn't feel strongly enough that I was ready with my own answer and so I didn't feel like I could ask, "Is this a date?" Besides, I had invited him out, so shouldn't I be the one to answer that question?

We walked back to our cars together and he asked me if I wanted a hug. I said yes and gave him a tight squeeze. He said, "Wow, that's a very enthusiastic hug!" and I laughed and as we pulled apart I held his arm for a moment, thinking that he was going to kiss me. But he didn't....just said goodnight and then we went to our cars. So I went home feeling kind of rejected, and also kind of confused, and also kind of annoyed at myself that I didn't just directly ask and put this whole thing to bed.

The next day he texted me and asked if I wanted to get together again next week. I wasn't available, but said I might be around the following week....bah. I'm so confused. It definitely feels like there's been a change in the relationship since I asked him to dinner. Before we had only ever gotten together during the daytime and never more than twice in a month -- so me asking him out a week after we got together last, and him asking me out for less than a week after that is kind of unusual for us. And we'd never touched -- not hands, not hugs, etc. So it feels like something has changed on both sides, but I'm not sure how exactly or if I'm reading too much into it. Are we just getting to know each other better? Or are we feeling each other out for possible interest. I feel like I am supposed to know what our status is -- and I don't!
 
First Sleepovers

Friday night was the first sleepover that Ponytail and I had had since all the drama. It was perfect. The next morning he and I took the kids out for breakfast and then to the zoo. It was their first time seeing him since Thanksgiving and they were SO excited. It was wonderful.

He also told me that he was feeling better about the idea of me dating someone else — that I didn’t need to refrain from talking about that with him anymore. So that’s good too, because that whole thing was kind of confusing for me.

Speaking of confusion around Laptop, I think he told me last week that he was going to have his first sleepover with his friend with benefits last night.

Between thinking about Laptop having a sleepover with his FWB and me feeling so amazing and wonderful with Ponytail, I just can’t really imagine investing in a relationship with Laptop right now. I like him, but I just don’t feel like a relationship with him is right for me. I will see how this all pans out, but I am not going to worry about whether he likes me or not.
 
And now, some clarity?

I talked to my therapist yesterday about how I am so confused about what's going on with Laptop -- like, are we dating? are we not dating? are we both dancing around the idea of dating?

She said that, based on some of the confused mixed signals and "feeling each other out" types of behaviors that we are exhibiting with each other, she thinks we are both equally confused and that I should just ask directly. I explained that I had planned to ask directly at our "date" last week, but had lost my nerve and so she suggested that I just ask over text.

So I did. She helped me draft a text and I sent it when I got home. I basically just said that I was looking forward to spending time with him and that I needed to ask whether it was a date -- and that I was comfortable either way. It took him like, a million years (#hyperbole), to respond and thankfully I was pretty sleepy and so it was easy to just wait. When I did get a response it was long.

He thanked me for asking, saying that he was going to ask for clarity about this soon if I hadn't done it first. He also said that he really valued our friendship and having someone to talk to about poly stuff and he didn't want to mess with that. But he also felt like it was kind of cowardly to not pursue a relationship just because he was afraid of screwing up the friendship.

I said I totally understood, because this is kind of exactly how I had been feeling too. (Basically, I think we're in the same place -- we are curious about dating each other, but aren't so "Fuck Yes!" about it that we are willing to risk the friendship in order to make it happen.)

He asked if we could leave things kind of undefined. Like, not rule out the potential of a relationship, but also prioritize the friendship if we did decide to take things further.

I thought this made sense.

But then when I thought about it later, I realized that I was even more confused. Like, how does one not rule out the possibility of a relationship, but still leave things undefined? If I tried to kiss him, would that mean that I wasn't prioritizing the friendship? Is he saying that we should stay friends unless one (or both of us) starts viewing this as a "Fuck yes" situation and it is going to affect the friendship one way or another? Is he saying he isn't really interested, but would like to keep me around as a back-up plan? Or is he saying he wants our friendship to get closer first before exploring the possibility of a relationship?

If he had said he only sees me as a friend, I would understand what I'm supposed to do. If he had said he was only interested in a friends-with-benefits kind of situation, I would understand what I'm supposed to do.* But this, "Let's not ruin the friendship, but keep ourselves open to the possibility of taking this further" thing is actually super confusing.

I just want to kiss him and figure out if there is chemistry. Is that so much to ask?

*I feel like it would be easy to suggest a FWB situation as kind of a "let's try this out" thing -- but he already has a FWB and has expressed that he thinks he only has space in his life for one more relationship and is really interested in finding a more serious relationship. So I think FWB is off the table with him.
 
Last edited:
I'm not hearing a "yes" so just call it a "working no" so you can get on with your life without confusion.

No. No relationship at this time. Friends only.

Then you know how to behave.

Galagirl
 
MsEmotional said:
I just want to kiss him and figure out if there is chemistry. Is that so much to ask?
Click to expand...

Just my experience, but if you have to actually kiss to know if there is chemistry, there isn't. The more it goes on, holding back on physical contact increases sexual attraction, to the point of it filling up the room to bursting. You can't help but feel it and are usually driven mad by it long before any actual sexual touch. Every time i've had to "check for chemistry," it was not really there, and the difference became all the more apparent when I did meet someone who gave me that zing. Again, just my experience.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Just my experience, but if you have to actually kiss to know if there is chemistry, there isn't. The more it goes on, holding back on physical contact increases sexual attraction, to the point of it filling up the room to bursting. You can't help but feel it and are usually driven mad by it long before any actual sexual touch. Every time i've had to "check for chemistry," it was not really there, and the difference became all the more apparent when I did meet someone who gave me that zing. Again, just my experience.
Click to expand...

Hmmm....this is a good point. I hadn't thought about it that way. You're probably right -- there probably just isn't chemistry on either side and I'm trying to force it whereas he is being more realistic.
 
In which I ask the age old question . . .

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Seriously? Why can't I just be happy? I've never thought of myself as being an emotionally volatile person, or a drama queen, or anything like that, but the more that I listen to the thoughts in my head, the more that I think I am. And that makes me want to puke. I want to stomp around the house slamming doors and crying my eyes out like a toddler. I'm so angry and hypocritical and selfish....

Ponytail has a new romantic interest. She's nice, she's reliable, she's cool with poly, she's someone he already knows and trusts....she's perfect. She's what I have been hoping for for him for months. I have been wishing and hoping that he would find another romantic interest and now my wish has come true. And I'm..... angry about it? Where did that come from?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I have been trying to process my emotions. Everyone says that jealousy comes from a place of insecurity, but I don't really feel insecure....just angry and sad. Am I worried that Ponytail will leave me? No. Am I worried that he will like her better than me? No. Am I worried that she's more compatible with him sexually? No. I'm not scared of anything really. Just viscerally angry when I have NO FUCKING RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. This is exactly what I asked for and I got it.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

And then there's Glasses. Glasses and Ginger had sex in the den last night while I was upstairs -- and I could hear them. It upset me at the time, but for some reason I was even more upset when I came down later and saw the evidence -- the rumpled sheets, the condom wrapper, my purse (which had been sitting on the couch) upside down, cast aside in what I assume was a passionate frenzy to clear a space to fuck. Ugh. None of that should bother me. I've forgotten to throw away condom wrappers. I've left the rumpled sheets on the fold-out couch. None of that has ever bothered Glasses, so why does it have me feeling like I want to slam doors and sulk in the corner?

Glasses asked me this morning what he needed to do to get out of the doghouse. I didn't even mean to put him in the doghouse and I felt even more horrible, knowing that my distress is so apparent to everyone around me. I feel like a general asshole. I don't know why I am so upset.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'd been so excited for Ginger to come back into town so that Glasses could have his partner back. I've been wanting Ponytail to find a new love interest so that he would be happy and I could also have space. Now both of those things are happening and I want to scream and cry.

I've tried to put these feelings into words with both of them. I have tried to explain that I think I just need to sit with my feelings, that I recognize that I am being hypocritical and irrational and that they have done nothing wrong. I have tried to identify what, if any, boundaries would help me navigate these feelings. They both try to support me, but as soon as they say, "I love you" or try to hold me I feel an intense desire to shove them away and run off and be by myself.

I want connection, I want love, I want sex. But as soon as the people I love try to give me these things I feel angry and upset. And if they back off, I feel sad and alone.

I ask, again:

What the FUCK is wrong with me?
 
I will hazard a guess. I might be wrong.

Maybe you are angry with Ponytail because after this long dragged out thing he just up and started dating. So maybe you are mad like -- "if you could do that so easily, then why drag me through thing and the therapist and all that? Why not just have started dated ages ago? Jeez!"

I'd been so excited for Ginger to come back into town so that Glasses could have his partner back. I've been wanting Ponytail to find a new love interest so that he would be happy and I could also have space. Now both of those things are happening and I want to scream and cry.
Click to expand...

Yeah, but you aren't really getting any emotional space yet.

First, long dragged out thing with Ponytail and at what seems the flip of a switch he starts dating.

Then emotional side trip with Laptop. Which went nowhere but used up some emotional energy regardless.

Now over here Glasses is having a partner over.... which also irritates because...When do you get time ALONE? Without partner here, partner there?

You sound like you need a rest from other people and maybe need some time on your own to recharge your batteries. Not that anyone is doing anything bad to you... just that it's too PEOPLE-Y right now and it makes you feel on edge. Like... "Dammit... NOW what?!"

Is it something like that? To me it sounds like you have been doing all this emotional labor attending to other people and you are bone dry. Might be time to attend to yourself.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks GalaGirl, you are always so insightful. I think you are right that I need time for myself.
 
One Breath at a Time

Things are smoother now. Glasses spent the night at Ginger's place last night and that really helped. Once I got the kids to bed, I had the rest of the evening to myself. I really have no problem with Glasses spending time with Ginger. It made me happy to be able to give them that time together. I just have a hard time being around them together. I think, in some ways, I am "parallel poly" when it comes to Glasses' relationship and "kitchen table poly" when it comes to my own. Glasses and Ginger had spent so little time around our house when Ginger was in town (Glasses almost always went over to their house instead of Ginger coming over to ours), that I never really experienced/witnessed their relationship firsthand.

So I think part of the problem is that I just need to be around them more often when they are together. I need to de-sensitize myself to their relationship and the awkwardness I feel at being a "third wheel" around them.

As I wrote "third wheel," I realized that Glasses doesn't show me much affection on the few occasioins when I've been around him and Ginger together. I wonder if that's part of this feeling. When Ponytail and I get home from a date, I always make sure to greet Glasses and give him a kiss. Maybe the fact that I don't get that from Glasses when he's around Ginger is what makes me feel so weird? Hmmm...perhaps that's another wondering to share with him.

As far as Ponytail, I'm doing a lot better. I'm not sure what I needed -- whether it was just time and space to process, or whether it was just recognizing that this feeling is likely more to do simply with the "newness" of it all than any particular fear or concern. I think I will ask Ponytail to share less of the relationship with me. I feel the need to ask for details about how the date went in part because I am curious and in part so that I am behaving the way a secure person would (cool as a cucumber..."oh honey, how was your date?") in order to make myself feel more secure. However, I think that it ultimately only feeds my anxieties to think about what they are doing and how they are feeling and what she's saying or doing to him right now, etc. It's probably healthier for me to not think too much about the details until I am more comfortable with the simple reality of Ponytail having another relationship -- and also until I have experienced firsthand what effect (if any) their relationship will have on me.

One aspect of my jealousy that I have identified is the worry that Ponytail being intimate with someone else somehow cheapens the intimacy that we share -- that the intensity of our intimate experiences together is less valuable when I realize that he can share those same experiences with someone else. Ponytail has had a lot of relationships, as well as a lot of casual sex, with a lot of different people over the course of his adult life. But with me (at least according to him), it's much more enjoyable because of the intensity of the emotional connection that we share. I think somehow I assumed that sex without that strong bond would no longer appeal to him -- after all, casual sex doesn't interest me, so I don't really understand the appeal in the first place. He didn't go into detail about what he and his date did, but even just knowing that they were intimate with each other the other night drove home the reality that I am not so special that I've made sex with other people less interesting or fun. This should come as no surprise, but it still kinda stings.
 
Last edited:
Jealousy Triggers and Symptoms

So I did some exercises from my "Jealousy in Open Relationships" (or some similarly titled) book. One of them had me imagine my partner going through various stages of beginning a new relationship (flirting, dating, kissing, getting undressed and having sex, cuddling afterwards, etc), pausing it like a video and analyzing my feelings along the way.

I am able to do the entire visualization with Glasses in mind and I have a few pangs of jealousy, but it's not a huge deal. I get twinges when I think about Glasses having sex with someone and cuddling afterwards, but other than that, I'm generally okay.

With Ponytail? I felt uncomfortable the entire time and actively cried for about half of it. Interestingly, the hardest part was at the end, where you're supposed to replace the difficult visualization with pleasant memories of shared experiences with your partner as you gradually let the feelings fade away. Thinking of pleasant times with Ponytail actually made me feel even worse, even more sad and betrayed.

Betrayed. That's the word that came up throughout the exercises that surprised me the most. Ponytail hasn't broken any of our poly agreements. And yet the feeling that most resonates with me is betrayal. Why?

I've been trying to figure this out for the past few days. Why should I feel betrayed by someone doing something that I have, myself, been doing for months? Why should I feel betrayed by them doing something that I have been actively encouraging them to do?

It comes down to two main points:

1. Now that Ponytail does know that I'm struggling with these emotions, somehow it feels incredibly hurtful that he continues seeing her. He loves me. He's ambivalent about her. Why would he prioritize exploring a relationship with someone he feels ambivalent about when it hurts someone he loves?

Glasses was open to the idea of an open relationship for years before we opened up ours. Everytime he mentioned it, I said no, that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that unless he could do it too, and him doing it would hurt me too much. He always said that he never wanted to hurt me, that if I were ever interested in trying it, I could do it even if he couldn't -- that me being hurt was reason enough for him to not do it, but that him not being hurt by it was reason enough for me to not be held back if I were interested. So here I am, in tons of pain, and Ponytail is somehow still able to get down and dirty with his new love interest? Knowing how painful it is to me that he's doing it?

My therapist said that she encounters this amongst couples who are recovering from infidelity -- that the woman (with the cheating husband) cannot fathom how her husband could achieve an erection and orgasm, knowing that he was betraying his wife. YES. I totally agree. It is unfathomable to me how someone could enjoy sex knowing that engaging in it was causing someone else (someone they love) pain.

I know that Ponytail doesn't totally understand. He's said as much -- that he's surprised at my jealousy, that he doesn't understand how his attraction to one person have anything to do with his attraction to someone else, that he is jealous of not getting enough time with me and fearful of losing time with me, but that he's never been hurt or upset by the idea of me having sex with someone else. But even if he doesn't understand it, doesn't he get it that I am TELLING him that it is painful for me?

2. The other big thing is that this represents a substantial shift in our relationship dynamics. Over the last six months, Ponytail and I have developed a strong and wonderfully-satisfying D/s relationship. It feels perfect. Even when we are apart, I control when he's allowed to have an orgasm, what he should think about when he does so, etc. It's extremely hot, but it's also very intimate. When I asked for a break, it was one of the things that Ponytail missed the most -- and I missed it too.

Well, with a new partner in the picture, now what are we supposed to do?

Ponytail told the new girlfriend about our "arrangement" and said that he might not be allowed to have an orgasm when they are together and asked if that would be okay with her. She was cool with it, so he hasn't had one with her yet.

But surely this isn't sustainable. How is their relationship supposed to grow if I am the constant specter of orgasm denial? My therapist asked what would happen if I just let him continue to ask me and allowed him to some of the time. But why would I? I don't get off on the idea of him having sex with someone else. Me giving him permission to have an orgasm with her feels false and stupid -- it holds no value for me. I don't want to be involved in what they do with each other.

Okay, so then the logical thing to do is to say that what they do with each other doesn't "count" -- that he gets a free ejaculation pass when he's with her, but that he has to ask me at all other times. That would take me out of their relationship, right?

But then the whole thing kind of loses interest for me. I mean, if he can cum whenever he's with her, then what's to stop him from just spending all his time with her? I basically lose all the joy of being able to tease and torment him if he can just go off and get his release elsewhere.

No, basically I have come to the conclusion that the D/s aspect of our relationship is unsustainable if he's in a relationship with someone else. And so that brings me to the other primary feeling I am experiencing: loss.

I will really miss this aspect of our relationship, but I think I have to just let it go. I know that Ponytail will be upset -- he really relishes that part of our relationship too and has never had a partner who indulges his submissive side before. But I don't think it is possible to be poly and continue this style of D/s.

Maybe we'll find a way to channel that energy into something else -- like pain or more scene-specific dominance....but I don't know that anything else holds the same level of interest for me, so I definitely feel this as a loss.
 
Those Dang Hormones

Okay, so remember how I said that I just wanted to kiss Laptop and see if there was chemistry? And how that kinda seemed like a silly idea because if I needed to kiss him in order to determine chemistry then it probably wasn't there?

I think there's chemistry there.

I don't know if it's just because I was feeling really confident and happy yesterday evening; or if it was because we were in a loud bar and had to lean in to talk to each other; or whether it was because he'd broken the touch barrier by hugging me the last time we saw each other and so now we both felt more comfortable touching each others arms and shoulders and stuff; or maybe it was because we opened up to each other about more intimate details . . .

Or maybe it's because we both got clarity that the other was at least somewhat attracted but we said that we just wanted to be friends and so the pressure is off.

Whatever it was, I felt....amazing.

But it's never going to happen. It can't. I can tell it would be really difficult to even try to make it happen. Too many rules.

Case in point, I got really quite tipsy. Too tipsy to drive myself home (although I didn't actually drink all that much, but I hadn't slept much the night before and I think my new medication makes it easier for me to feel the effects of alcohol...) and the bar was going to close before I felt comfortable driving. I was about 40 min from where I live, whereas we were maybe 10 min from where Laptop lives. The logical thing to do would be for me to crash on Laptop's couch for the night and then he could drive me back to my car in the morning. A total of 20 min of extra driving. Laptop called his wife to see if that would be okay. She wasn't comfortable with that. Okay, fair enough, she doesn't want a relative stranger crashing at her house. Laptop suggested that maybe he could drive me home, crash on my couch and then drive me back to my car in the morning. 80 min of extra driving. Definitely less convenient, but still within the realm of logic. Laptop calls his wife. She says no, she won't be able to sleep if he isn't there.

Oy vey.

Okay, so just as I was starting to wonder if there were any cheap hotels nearby, Ponytail happens to text me to ask how things are going. Upon finding out that I was pretty drunk, he offers to come get me and Glasses and I will retrieve my car tomorrow when he and the kids get back home. Total of 120 minutes of extra driving, but it's the only thing that works, so that's what we do.

I get it, she has her boundaries and one of them is not having unexpected overnight guests in her home. Just the same, if I heard that Glasses had a friend over who didn't have a safe way to get home on New Year's weekend, I would definitely say that s/he could crash at our house. Even with small kids, and everything, it doesn't make sense to me that someone would be in a situation where they have to decide between driving intoxicated or not.

The point is, if she's this sensitive about him being away from her and/or someone crashing on her couch, I just don't see this as a friendship that can naturally develop into a romance. I had had visions of us hanging out, and one thing leading to another....but it seems like there's a lot of planning that has to happen for me to even be allowed on the premises.

Laptop frequently talks about how much he envies the lack of poly rules in my household, that Ponytail can sleep over pretty much whenever, that we can all hang out, etc. But it doesn't seem like his wife is all that keen on any of those rules changing.

So....meh. I guess it's good that we're sure we're just friends.
 
Well that’s not what I expected....

Literally seconds after I posted to this blog yesterday, saying that Laptop and I were definitely just friends, he texted me and asked if we could have some direct and honest communication. I said sure and I was shocked that he said he had thought we were going to explore the idea of a relationship between the two of us and was surprised that that hadn’t come up when we went out the previous night. He could have pushed me over with a feather, I was so shocked. I was like, “Uh, I wasn’t planning to bring it up again because I thought you’d already made it clear that you just wanted to be friends.” He said he hadn’t said that at all, that if he wasn’t interested he would have said that directly.

So we went back and forth for a bit about who had interpreted what in which ways. He said basically that we could try for something more. He kept using verbiage like “we could try” or “i’d be willing” and so I started to get a little concerned. I reminded him that I was also really fine with just being friends and that if he wasn’t really attracted to me then we should probably just stay friends. He said that he didn’t feel like had considered me as more than a friend and that therefore the attraction hadn’t built but that he thought there was potential for that. I was like....meh, if you don’t really feel any chemistry, then it probably isn’t something we should force at the expense of the friendship. Then his wife came home and he had to talk to her about something and so he disappeared for awhile.

Glasses came home and we had to go pick up my car. Since I was going to be basically right by Laptop’s house I texted and asked if he wanted me to come over and we could just chat in person.

He apologized for disappearing and said yes, it would be great if I came over. So I did and we chatted for a bit about the friendship, not wanting to complicate things, me feeling like If he didn’t already feel chemistry (and I did the night before) that things might get lopsided, etc.

He said he thought I was overthinking things — that differences in perception of chemistry were probably not major, that this was new and hadn’t had much time to develop yet, that if we took things slowly we could see how things would naturally progress. He said he saw the potential for a relationship to develop and was intrigued by what I had told him the previous night about some of my dominant interests as far as kinky relationship dynamics. He said he would be interested in exploring that with me if things went in that direction. This all seemed really reasonable and so I kinda nodded along and said sure, I’d be open to that.

Then he asked if he could cuddle me. And all of a sudden we were snuggling, talking, kissing, and groping. It was quite lovely, actually.

But as soon as I left I started panicking. What have I done? Is this a terrible idea? Is this what I want? Did I just let one night of chemistry and flirting make me think this was a good idea? He and his wife still have lots of rules, so in a way that makes it easy to make sure things don’t go too fast....but on the other hand, I don’t even know whether either of us is thinking clearly about this.

Should I talk to him about it? Send a text and ask if we can check in about how we are feeling after what happened yesterday? Or should I not overthink it and just figure we can play it by ear the next time we see each other?
 
Sudden Shifts

This is such a strange feeling.

Before Laptop and I made out, I felt this sense of flirtiness and excitement -- there was a feeling of, "Maybe?" along with a carefree attitude of "I can flirt with this guy and know that he isn't uncomfortable with it, but also that I have already stated my interest, so I don't have to do anything more -- ball is in his court!"

When he was stating his interest in me -- in confusingly half-hearted, "We can try for something more than friendship" ways, I kinda shrugged him off and felt a sense of "I can take it or leave it and you seem hesitant so let's just not do it."

Then when we talked in person and he said he thought we should give it a try and gave all his reasons, and talked me into it, I kinda felt like, "Hmmm...you make a logical argument."

Then when he asked if he could cuddle me, I felt awkward and weird. He was lying on my chest and staring into my eyes and when he leaned in to kiss me and I turned and kissed him back, he seemed surprised and said he'd been trying to kiss me on the cheek. Kissing on the cheek? Is this a thing?

Then when the actual make-outs started and it felt less awkward, I was turned on. I really enjoyed that part. Everything felt nice.

But now?

Now I just feel confused. He hasn't texted me all day and I haven't texted him. That's a little unusual for us -- not "red flag" unusual, but just a bit strange. I have no idea when I will see him next -- we have nothing on the calendar and I am so busy right now that I don't even know what I would suggest if I were to propose the next time or activity we see each other.

I wouldn't give this a second thought if we hadn't made out and talked about a relationship and everything. Now I don't know if it's fine to not talk everyday and not worry about whether we see each other in a week or a month or whatever.

Was this a terrible idea? Should I have been more firm about saying I didn't think we should try this*? Is it too late to go back now? Friendship ruined?

*What are we even trying? FWB? A relationship? The only thing he really called it was "removing the friendship limitations" -- what does that mean?
Does that basically mean friends who have sex with each other?

Fuck. I wish I were better at understanding people.
 
MsEmotional said:
*What are we even trying? FWB? A relationship? The only thing he really called it was "removing the friendship limitations" -- what does that mean?
Does that basically mean friends who have sex with each other?

Fuck. I wish I were better at understanding people.
Click to expand...

What if you ask Laptop these questions?
 
rauhajoule said:
What if you ask Laptop these questions?
Click to expand...

Well that sounds awfully reasonable and logical. :)

I might. Today we texted more and it was nice -- the right blend of flirty and friendly. We made plans to see each other on Saturday. I might ask him then....or maybe I'll let go of my anxieties and just enjoy whatever it is that is going on.
 
On Love and Security...

I wish I could say that things were going smoothly. They are not.

Ponytail has been having a really difficult time with the idea of me entering a relationship with Laptop. Like . . . really difficult. It has made it difficult for us to even enjoy time together, because Ponytail is so anxious about Laptop. Laptop and I have only seen each other twice in the last couple weeks -- and yet Ponytail is more affected by my relationship with Laptop than I am affected by my relationship with Laptop.

We are on the mend now, but yesterday things got super intense. Ponytail called me in the morning as I was getting ready for work, told me that this situation was too intense, and that he was hurting himself and needed space from my relationship with Laptop. He asked me to stop seeing Laptop until he felt more comfortable.

I don't know how other people feel about this, but this is categorically not how I feel about polyamory. I don't feel that any partner has the right to interfere with someone else's relationship for their own comfort level. They can have boundaries, expectations of safety, etc. But at the point where someone asks their partner to stop seeing someone else (with no reason other than "it makes me uncomfortable") then something is wrong. I didn't ask Ponytail to stop seeing Chef -- I questioned whether I should be in a relationship with Ponytail and whether Ponytail really loved me, but I never asked him to stop seeing her.

So I said no, my time is my time and I choose how I spend it. I can keep things to myself and not discuss Laptop with him if he needs space from the relationship, but I cannot promise to just stop seeing him entirely, with no end date in sight.

Ponytail got really upset and said that he needed to not be in a relationship with me if I was in a relationship with Laptop. He said that he needed space for a few weeks -- he said "I can't talk right now. Just call me when this thing with [Laptop] is over, if that's a month, if that's two months...."

Now, let's be clear. I am not in love with Laptop. I am in no way "choosing" Laptop over Ponytail. But Laptop is my only poly friend and I don't want to just make rash decisions about that relationship. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of Ponytail controlling my friendships and relationships and threatening to leave anytime that he feels insecure. Laptop is very patient and supportive of my relationship with Ponytail...if Ponytail's reaction to me dating Laptop is to try to veto the relationship, then that will be his reaction to me dating anyone.

I told Ponytail this in an email yesterday evening and we had a good conversation over the phone. Kinda good. Kinda strained. I don't know.

I really love Ponytail. But as many folks on here have said, this relationship has been full of drama from the very beginning. We both value having calm, compassionate relationships . . . why is it that we are constantly letting our emotions get in the way of that?

He's afraid of losing me.
I'm afraid of losing myself to him.

I think what draws me to Laptop is that he feels safe, in a way. I don't feel this kind of passion towards him and he doesn't seem to feel this kind of passion towards me. If, tomorrow, he said he didn't want to talk to me me ever again, I would be sad. But if he said he was feeling polysaturated with his other folks and wanted to not pursue a relationship -- just be friends with me? I would be okay.

There's something very appealing about that -- about being involved with someone you care about and feel comfortable with, but where you don't feel like there's a risk of them breaking your heart. There is a steadiness that I appreciate.

I just hope I can ride through the ups and downs with Ponytail and come out steadier on the other side.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top